


Moon river

by lallemaurys



Category: SKAM (France)
Genre: A lot of jealous, A lot of things, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Daddy Issues, Dark Academia, Discomunnication as always, Eliott POV, Family Drama, Flirting, Happy ending? I don't know we'll see, I'm just kidding, Imagine if we were villains but very gay, M/M, Mystery, Romance, Secrets, Sexual Tension, Slow burn lovers, Some og cameos, You are probably going to hate me, it does have a happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-27
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:02:27
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 148,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22915933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lallemaurys/pseuds/lallemaurys
Summary: It's been eleven years since Eliott's life took a surprising turn. From the first moment he knew that Lucas was anything but what he looked like. A normal guy but with a lot of secrets in the background, and Eliott was willing to go anywhere, if that meant standing next to the blue-eyed boy. Eleven years later Eliott is ready to tell what happened at the boarding school in Sainte-Mère.What were those secrets? Was true what people were mumbling? What happened that night? Who was Lucas Lallemant really? Who committed that murder? And most importantly, why?or the dark academia that no one asked for, really.
Relationships: Eliott Demaury/Lucas Lallemant
Comments: 75
Kudos: 151





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So, I had this idea of the story a few weeks ago and suddenly I wanted to write it. This is my first official story, so i'm sorry if it's not as good as you'd like, i'm sorry too if there's any mistake. English is not my first language but feel free to correct me in something. I hope you enjoy it, I will continue to publish the story little by little.

Now that the room was quiet, Eliott set out to order some papers that were resting in the corner of his desk for about four days. The day had been a little tiring but mostly productive, his morning students were very excited to receive his class even though they already knew it was the last Eliott was going to teach until he returned from his vacation. It was starting to feel a little bad, his head and throat ached a little bit. Please, whoever's up there, don't let me get sick. Eliott begged. He had been waiting for this trip months ago, he kind of looked forward to finally stepping on those white sands, seeing the sea, resting, breathing after so long.

"Mr. Demaury?" A voice interrupted his thoughts. At the door was a small girl, could not measure more than five feet, the white complexion, from afar could not guess but her eyes like her hair were a black color. She was pretty. She didn't seem to be more than twenty-five years old, but the dark circles she hadn't managed to cover with her makeup made her look a little tired. Eliott settled. The girl opened her eyes. "Are you Mr. Demaury?" She asked again.

"Yes, it's me. How can I help you?" The girl approached the desk where Eliott was now leaning. With a movement in his head he offered her a seat but she ignored it or probably didn't notice it, she looked a little lost, almost in shock as if she had just seen a ghost. Eliott didn't understand. "Do I know you?"

"No, no, sorry, don't introduce me. I'm Aimée, Aimée Béringer. You don't know me but I know you." Eliott could feel the frown that was beginning to form on his forehead. He still didn't understand. "I'm a columnist in a small newspaper in the south of France..." The girl soaked her lips trying to find the words "and I've been studying Lallemant's case for about two years,” Eliott felt all the air flooding his lungs had disappeared, swallowed saliva and tried to keep his composure "and I really need to talk to you, Mr. Demaury, I need to understand what happened that night with Lucas." _Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas_ , suddenly that was all Eliott could hear. _Lucas._

"Excuse me but I told the police everything I knew" His stomach was turning, his hands were sweating, God, at any moment he could explode if he doesn't leave there right now.

Aimée carefully inspected Eliott's entire face hoping to find something but Eliott had already closed, had placed the best selfless and boring face trying to hide any emotion that would give him away.

"I know, I read the reports as I've told you, I've been following this story for some time but..."

"Then as you know, I know absolutely nothing. He and I weren't that close, we were just classmates, we never spoke more than in the classroom," Every word burned in his mouth, "I never met Lucas." He let out that last sentence in a whisper, everything inside him was collapsing and that girl was still there, with a slightly frown and suspicious eyes. She wasn't buying it, just as the cops didn't believe that morning at the station. Perhaps his lying skills had never improved, perhaps it would always be so with Lucas, something that had to be discussed in murmurs and never mentioned in front of him.

Even after eleven years his friends continued to do so, they continued to avoid the subject, exchanging glances when one of them accidentally mentioned Lucas. The eyes of all of them full of pity, sadness, pain, as if that night they had been the ones who lost a part of themselves and not Eliott.

He placed his briefcase on his left shoulder and set out to walk to the exit of the study.

"He loved you," Eliott froze where he was, "Lucas Lallemant loved you too much." Her whole body had forgotten how it worked, he was sure she understood this silence. The question was blowing the air. "Yann Cazas told me." 

"Did you talk to him?" Now that he had turned his body could see it, Aimée seemed smaller. His worried eyes did not take his gaze off, his hands moved from one side to the other. Eliott felt bad for her, she didn't know what she was getting into but he suspected it was too late, she was already involved enough and that didn't make him feel any better.

"He told me about you, about your relationship" Relationship? Eliott snorted, revealing a slightly bitter laugh. He still felt like that seventeen-year-old boy, that boy who thought everything could be fixed, that happy tales existed, and that love beat everything. A naive, that's what he'd been, but did he regret it? No, Christ, he didn't and he never would, even if it completely destroyed it. "Eliott, I know there are things they hid. There are evidence, witnesses, papers, connections that they never exposed, that the police hid, I know what could have happened and I need to know why nobody said anything. Why they hid all that. Eliott, Lucas deserves it. He deserves for the world to hear what really happened. You know that."

That was enough. Who did she think she would come and tell him those things? Tell him Lucas deserves a chance after what happened? Talk as if she knew what happened, what really happened that year in boarding school. Assume that he did not fight, that he did not fight shield and sword for Lucas, who was unwilling to give his life for him, to give up everything he knew for that blue-eyed boy. God, he never gave up. If he could travel back in time and do different things he would have done it, he would have seen the signs, he would have been there by his side, he would never have hesitated for a moment. He would have jumped out of a building if it meant being next to Lucas his whole life. His head was hurting more, his whole body had become tense, he was shaking, and Aimée noticed. She looked down in regret, had realized her mistake. 

And yet Eliott kept quiet, he wanted to scream, run, hide, he wanted to do something. Whatever it was, but he didn't. He stood there in the middle of the studio in the evening sun illuminating the corners of his shoes.

The eighteen-year-old Elliott would have spoken without thinking twice, but he wasn't that boy anymore, he had learned his lesson. He had grown up, now he could tell when something was bigger and stronger than him, when he had to bow his head and continue his way. 

"Eliott," Aimée interrupted him before he had a chance to say something else "please think about it." She slowly approached him and extended a card that he took, had not noticed that his hands were wielded on the sides of his body. "I'll be in Paris all this week, you can call me anytime." Eliott took the card and pulled out of the building at full speed, even as he had already left the building his feet kept walking. He didn't know where he was going, but he couldn't stop, _he didn't want to stop_.

* * *

Having practically rushed out of his work, Eliott had headed without thinking too much to the only place where he felt safe. It's been a long time since he went to that cafeteria, when he was a kid, he used to come with his mother very often. The two sat in the same armchair, which was at the entrance of the restaurant and enjoyed breakfast together. Two scrambled eggs with bacon with a cup of latte for his mom, and two honey pancakes for Eliott. Now he was in the chair in the back. The same place where he and Lucas had had their first and only date. He had spent the last two hours there, letting the ghosts of his past haunt him, letting himself be consumed by all those words they shared that cold December night.

Eliott had seen it. He had seen the way Lucas had laughed, had tilted his face with a smile on his lips, the way he had taken from his coffee and enjoyed it though it had been a cheap coffee and was a little bitter for taste. The way Lucas took his hand without fear for a moment, he bit his bottom lip and gave him that look. That soft look full of so many desires. Eliott had seen him, had seen Lucas bloom in front of him. How it was filled with life and colors. Eliott would have given everything he had to freeze time, to let those two teenagers be happy forever.

The restaurant door opened and there she was. Aimée searched all over the place until she encountered Eliott's messy hair. She approached to where he was and took a seat in front, leaving Lucas' memory erased. Eliott had called her about twenty minutes ago and she had answered the first ring, and then assured him she would be there in less than half an hour and she did. She really must care about this story, Eliott thought.

"Eliott I want to apologize, I didn't mean to get into something like your relationship," there it was, again the word: Relationship. Lucas would be just as surprised as he is. "I don't know what happened to you two and I'm sorry if I offended you in any way." She dropped her shoulders. "I just want all this to be cleared up once and for all. I don't think it's fair."

Eliott understood it and that's why he called her. He had realized that it was what Lucas deserved, for someone to clear his name and he too, he deserved to tell the part of his story and maybe leave all that in the past but before he had to warn her what she was about to hear. 

"Look, Aimée, I don't know who you are or why you want to know all this, and that doesn't interest me, but you should be careful. The people who are involved in all this are not friendly at all, on the contrary, they have a lot of power and could do you some harm if they find out what you're trying to do, what we're doing." Aimée nodded. "I need you to give me your words that you're not going to do something stupid with what I'm going to tell you, I couldn't live with the burden of something bad happening to you. No any more, do you understand?"

"I understand, Eliott, and I have an idea where this is going but I want to hear from you. You knew him better." It wasn't a question, it was a statement and somehow that made Eliott sadder. **_You knew him better._ **

"Where would you like me to start?" Aimée let out a small sigh and pulled a notebook out of her purse, she began to go over the leaves focused on reading some words she had written in haste. 

"Here it says that you went to study at boarding school on September 4th." Wow, that girl had really done her job, how did she know that? She probably read it on his school records but it was still surprising, he wasn't expected to have any information about him. "Then you could start with when did you meet Lucas Lallemant?" She looked up from the notebook and was looking at him expectantly.

"That same day, I met Lucas on the fourth of September. He was the first person I saw, the only person I saw, really, and from that day on, nothing mattered..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I'm going to try to upload a chapter every weekend because I'm really really really enjoying writing this. I don't promise anything because college, but I'm going to try. I hope you enjoy this second chapter.

It was huge. Eliott had never seen anything like it in his life. His parents had told him several times about that place but he never imagined it to be anything like it. The main building was giant, it had four levels. The walls were stone with a beige color, the roof sloping sideways was pale grey which gave everything a slightly older look. It was ridiculous. Suddenly Eliott felt smaller, a little overwhelmed, afraid that this would be the place where he would live for a year. His mother, realizing his change of mood, placed a hand on Eliott's arm and stroked him. Trying to give him some support. Eliott tried to smile at her a little. One year, come on, just a year and you'll be gone.

The boarding school consisted of four large buildings, the main building had four levels and the other building only three levels. It wouldn't be so hard to get lost, he'd just have to memorize where his room and his classes are and he'll gradually get used to it. Mrs. Dumont, the director, a fairly tall woman with short brown hair, was a few steps ahead of them, right next to his father who kept observing everything around him. From what he had heard, the boarding school had been built in the early twentieth century. It was to be a convent but then the first world war exploded and was used for a few years as a hospital, where people in need or soldiers were housed. Then it was closed and the doors reopened in 1967 deciding that it could be useful for educational purposes. It was astonishing, how despite the years the buildings were still standing. If the walls could talk, Eliott couldn't imagine how many things they would have to say.

"In the main building are our offices, Building B and C is used for the elementary area." He pointed to both buildings next to the main one. "There they receive classes, while in this building is the high school area," her gaze looked a little proud as she watched the huge three-level building "each building has its own library, science lab, study, art and music room. Students need to develop in all areas."

Well, at least he'd have something to distract himself from. And they headed for that building, the place was pretty big too. Walls of the same color, about eight classrooms on each side of the corridor and large stairs leading to the upper levels.

"All buildings are anti-seismic, we have a protocol in case of emergency but don’t worry, we have never needed it." Alice, he remembered it was her name, gave them a confident smile to his parents and then with a shake of her head she instructed them to follow her. "Your classes are on the last level, Eliott. You will have a class every two hours in different classroom, you should not leave the building except at lunchtime." 

The third level was exactly the same as the previous two except that it was more illuminated in this one. The ceilings had skylights that allowed the sun to rise more intensely.

And there he saw him. Eliott was watching a small theater ad from last year when something caught his attention. It was a boy, short and with messy hair. He was next to another boy, a little taller than him and dark complexion, he was laughing at something the other guy had told him.

He looked like he just woke up, which was impossible because it would almost be noon. The boys turned right entering a classroom followed by another bunch of students.

Maybe it wasn't so bad after all.

Eliott met his mother's gaze inspecting him. She smiled at him and then pushed him slightly sideways with his shoulder. It was impossible. He would have to stop being so transparent.

His father was now explaining, for umpteenth time, his situation. None of this was really part of the plan. Eliott would not be in that boarding school for more than a year, only until his graduation and then he would go to college and life would continue his current course. Now he understood, but if someone had told him the same thing about two months ago, he was sure he would have laughed at that stupid idea. 

What change? His parents were both professors at the university but his father applied a year ago for a job in the United States and soon his mother did too What was the surprise? Both were approved and offered the opportunity to go and teach professorships. It was something unique. Eliott was filled with happy and sadness at the same time, and his parents knew it instantly. Eliott did not want to leave Paris, he did not want to go to another country and start living from scratch, it was a lot of pressure for him and for them besides that he only had one more year left in high school. It wasn't long that they'd be separated. His parents are likely to return by mid-December next year when their contract will end.

"I completely understand. Terrance told me a little bit and I couldn't refuse." Terrance was one of his parents' co-workers. He and Alice had studied at this same boarding school all his life and apparently maintained a good friendship because after his father had told Terrance about the job opportunity, the move, Eliott, his studies, he had proposed this place and just immediately contacted the director who did his best to accept the application of Eliott and allow him to enter to study there. "Don't worry, Eliott is in good hands."

All the way to the principal's office, they spent a little more about boarding school. Apparently as the place had been built mainly for a convent, the original structure was like that but it was too small to receive the students. There was no space for the rooms and the classroom, that's why they built the rest the boarding school out of there. Leaving through the main building following a small path to the left and walking about five hundred meters were the bedrooms. There were four other large three-level buildings distributed in the same way as the classrooms and there were two other towers high at the ends. The teachers apparently had their own building on the other side of the boarding school, not far from the property.

* * *

Eliott's parents had embraced him to the point of exhaustion, promised that they would call him when his flight landed and that they would miss him. Eliott told them the same thing. I wasn't used to that, goodbyes.

He had never been so far from his fathers in so long, yes, they used to travel sometimes but they were small things like work conferences, vacations, more work but nothing more than a week and nothing further than a few kilometers. A feeling of sadness flooded his father's face as his mother tried to hold back tears. Eliott had rushed them. "You're going to miss the plane if you're still here," he had told them as he trying to put his best smile. He felt again like a frightened child but did everything he could to hide it. They have done everything for him and the least Eliott could do for them was to support them.

Now that his parents had left, Eliott had to settle down and begin to accommodate this new life that awaited him.

"Well Eliott, here in this envelope is your class schedule, room number and also the key. As you know, the classes have just started two days ago, but you'll have to catch up." He spread the mustard-colored envelope that weighed a little. "The boarding school only has a capacity for one hundred and ten people but we tried to accommodate you as best we could. Your room is one of the last on the third floor, it's a little smaller before it was used as a warehouse but you will understand, with this at the last minute and well, also for your condition".

Eliott nodded.

She knew, of course she knew. Terrance sure knew and told her or maybe it was his parents, it must have been them. They couldn't hide something like that from the headmistress. She knew there would be days when he wouldn't be well, days when he would never come down to eat, days when he'd lock himself in his room and not go to school. She couldn't not notice something like that, and also not be aware. Eliott didn't blame her, it was difficult, he was a different boy not like everyone else. And she was just trying to protect others, to protect her institution, to avoid the biggest possible problem.

"The good thing is that you will have a room for yourself but don't forget that the area of boys and girls is separated, Eliott, so I recommend you don't do something silly."

Eliott had to suppress the urge of roll his eyes. At least she wasn't aware of that. Instead, Eliott rose from his seat, thanked for everything, shook the director's hand and withdrew.

Already on the first level of the main building in a corner of the door he found his belongings, a large suitcase, a backpack containing some books, some discs and a box where he carried his turntable. Unbelievable, his seventeen years could be summed up in that. He took all his stuff as he could and headed towards the dorm area. The road had seemed to him easy, at first, not so hard to get lost besides the trees that surrounded it but as the road went further it was getting rocky and his suitcase was beginning to present some problems, his shoulders hurt and his hands were tired of so much effort. Jesus God, who thought this was a good idea?

Just as Eliott was giving up, a voice interrupted him. "Do you need help?" He turned his whole body looking for the voice and found a boy, a little smaller and curly hair. He looked a little confused but also surprised. Eliott could imagine how he looked himself, messy hair, crooked clothes, hunched body soaked in sweat. He was unpleasant but the boy didn't seem to think the same way because he was looking stunned.

"Please, I'm trying to get to the dorms but it seems like an impossible mission." The boy nodded quite encouragement and took in his arms the large suitcase of Eliott surprising the latter. Okay, that's pretty enthusiastic.

The boy began to walk hastily to the buildings and Eliott tried to keep up as close as he could. Arriving at the entrance, the boy dropped the suitcase and snorted. "That was good," he said.

"Are you sure? You didn't have to carry it, it's a little heavy."

“Are you kidding me? Not at all,” all his looks said otherwise. The red face of the heat, the drops of sweat covering his face and not to mention that now his black shoes were full of mud just like the lower part of his white shirt "you saved me a trip to the gym thanks to you." 

"You're welcome, I suppose." The place was a bit like the boarding school except for the towers that made everything seem bigger.

"What building are you staying in?"

"In the D." Eliott replied. The boy's eyes had gotten bigger, if it was possible.

"Wow," he slightly shook his head, pulling himself out of his thoughts, "I was going to the same, would you like me to come with you?" Eliott responded with a tilt of shoulders. What wrong could I do a little help?

Both went up to the last level, the boy insisted again on carrying his suitcase but this time Eliott insisted that he would not carry on, could not let him go backwards on the stairs and he could get hurt because of him.

Eliott advanced to the end of the corridor and opened the door with the key given to him by the principal. It definitely wasn't the nicest place in the world. The room was small, had a small window on the right side and some skylights on the ceiling. There was a small bed in the corner by the window with a side table, a somewhat old desk and a lamp. That was it. It was no more or less than I expected.

"Do you have a room for yourself?" Eliott had forgotten for a moment that the curly boy was still there. "How? How did you get it?" He asked again, looking a little intrigued. "I mean, we all have roommates here, that's the rules. And it's not that I complain about my partner, he's a good person, smart, fun, he's got good weed but if I'm given a choice I prefer the empty room. The boy came into the room and inspected everything up close. "Though on second thought, it better not, it's a little filthy." It was true.

"The principal told me that they only had this room for me, which was apparently a place where things were stored."

He sat next to the boy in bed and sneezed. He must have passed a clean rag to things and bed, too.

"Yes, they've never opened it before. It's a little scary." He said it with a little grimace on his face. "Sorry," he quickly apologized denying his head "not that it's so bad, with a little paint, better furniture, a little more safe ventilation and it will look like a bachelor apartment and you won't have any problems bringing girls." Then he quickly spoke again "It's not that I think you're having trouble bringing girls, I mean, look at you're quite a model. Who could resist that face of yours?"

Eliott had to stop him right there before he kept saying meaningless things but instead he just laughed at what he heard and the boy started laughing too, now he looked that he was more relaxed. Not bad.

"What year are you in?" The boy asked breaking the silence.

"I'm in Terminale." His companion opened his mouth forming a small "o". Eliott had never seen anyone so surprised in his life.

"Are you senior?" He nodded. "Would you like to eat with us today?" He nodded again, he found it no problem sharing a table besides that it was his first day and it would be bad for him to make a few friends.

He had never been good at making friends, people used to assume that because of his "good" appearance he had no problem approaching others but it was quite the opposite. Since childhood he has always been quite shy and introverted, he always felt weird among crowds and that's why his old school had only had four friends and he didn't even believe that they could really consider friends, considering that he hadn't talked to none of them since the holidays and they had not been surprised when Eliott had announced that he would finish his studies elsewhere.

He had not gotten there in the hope that now it would be different, that was his way of being and period, but perhaps this year things might be somewhat different.

He could discover new things about himself, give new experiences a chance. At the end of the day, that was his last year, as his mother would say, the last year to create memories that will last a lifetime.

The boy stretched out his arms and then took a little leap out of bed. "Hey, but if you want me to help you settle in, no problem."

Eliott smiled. He liked him, he was quite a character.

"It’s okay, maybe I'll do it later. I'm really hungry right now."

"Yes, well, the food here isn't a five-star thing but some good stuff. Just avoid the meatloaf, a few years ago a girl ate a little and got really sick." He explained as they walked down the stairs. "She threw up for hours."

"I don't think I got to have that kind of trouble," Eliott told him " I'm a vegetarian."

The boy let out a snort. "Worse, you're going to starve. Almost everything here is meat."

The short way from the rooms to the dining room and the rest of the time they spent together sitting at one of the middle tables that was closer to the window, they were talking about everything a little bit. He was still not sure exactly what he wanted to study but his father had already decided that he would work at the same firm as him, his father was a major lawyer, and his parents travel too far, and all his brothers were already married and lived away from home. And that's why they had decided that the best thing for Basile was for him to go to boarding school. He had been very upset at first but little by little he had come up with the idea. He told him about his grandfather, who had a small farm in Kathmandu, and Basile often goes to visit him on vacation and help him with the animals. He assured Eliott that he was pretty good at feeding the animals and that that place had the best sunsets, even invited Eliott to go one day with him and his friends.

He also told him a little about boarding school, the teachers, the principal who, unlike everyone, apparently lived out a few miles from the place. Basile told him about the time the cook had fallen ill and they had to eat mushroom soup for two weeks in a row, many had chosen to stop eating altogether and others, like him, made the sacrifice to feed theself by eating those fourteen days from mushroom soup. There were a lot of managers in the kitchen but no one dared put their hands in the pot and feed a hundred and ten kids. 

And finally he spoke to him with great enthusiasm about his girlfriend, Daphné. They were dating for ten months, it had been a little hard to convince her to agree to go on a date with him, but he had made it. After that first date, which from what Eliott understood, had been a complete disaster, she had agreed to go out with him again and so had fallen in love. It seemed like a very nice story.

Most time, Eliott spent time nodding trying to encourage Basile to keep telling his stories. He didn't stop laughing for a moment until Basile's friends began to appear. 

In that, they were joined by a couple. A tall girl who wore her hair up in a tail and a boy of equally tall, with dark hair. The girl rolled her eyes to the boy just as they both sat in front of each other. Eliott, who stood in front of Basile and with his back to the big window, was now next to the boy. He had forgotten his food, the pasta rested on the side of the plate and there was no trace of the salad. Basile, on the other hand, was devouring his second portion of food and was now spreading the bread with some butter on the plate.

The girl gave him a little smile and presented herself as Imane, and the boy as Sofiane. Sofiane was also in his last year, and Imane offering to give him math tutoring after Eliott complained that he was very bad in that numerical area. 

Eliott told her he was going to take her word, he had to start preparing for his final exam if he wanted to graduate and receive his high school degree.

After a few minutes, a blond-haired boy hit the back of Basile's head causing him to complain. Then he sat next to him. He didn't look happy at all.

"Could you stop doing that?" Basile complained.

"Could you stop making Mr. Peeters kick you out of class?"

Imane snorted. "And now what did he do?"

"What didn't he do? I'd rather say." The boy didn't remove his eyes from Basile. Eliott was sure that if the looks killed, the ones he was throwing at his friend would have wiped him out a long time ago.

"What? I didn't do anything." The boy defended himself, now everyone at the table was watching him carefully. No one was believing the role of victim.

The boy with glasses rolled his eyes. "Cheating on an exam is not doing nothing, Basile."

"How hard is it for you to study?" Imane asked.

"It was a surprise test! How was I supposed to know I had to study?" Basile answered as he stretched his palms up along with his shoulders. Eliott suspected that this was a situation that often happened between them.

  
  


"Then how did you have time to cheat?" Basile's friend asked this time raising an eyebrow.

"I'm always ready, Arthur, don't underestimate me."

"Once again, Baz, and you're going to be expelled." He warned with his index finger pointing at Basile seriously.

Now it was Basile's turn to roll his eyes. "I don't think so, they would have already done it."

"You're right, it would be a lot to ask to the universe for something like that happen." Arthur had a mocking smile on his face now.

"Come on, Art, what would you do without me?"

"Many things, including to stop bringing your things." Arthur raised with his right hand a black backpack and dropped it on the bench between them two. "Have it." He threw a thick book of biology next to Basile’s tray. Basile ignored everything and went on to open the container containing his dessert, orange jelly.

  
  


"Thank you, my dear. Mr. Peeters asked you to tell me something?

"You're an idiot. What did she tell you?"

"Who?" Basile with his mouth almost full of food.

"Who else? Mrs. Dumont.”

"Ah, yes, nothing."

"What's "nothing"? It's the second day of school and you're already being sent to the principal's office." Arthur looked angrier than at first, Eliott could see the way he was squeezing his jaw.

"Yes, I didn't go." Basile said simply as if it weren't something important.

And that's when Eliott understood why he had met Basile in the first place, it wasn't because he had left before school but because the professor had run him out of class after finding him cheating on a surprise exam and had ordered him to go to the principal's office, who was probably already used to this situation as much as Basile's friends, but instead of following the biology professor's orders. He had headed to his room. If Basile was so sure that one, the professor would not learn that he never went to the principal's office and two, they were not going to expel him or withdraw him for a time from boarding school for his actions. So he really had experience in all that.

"God, Basile, one of these days." Arthur said, pointing it out again.

"I doubt it."

"Don't tempt your luck." Arthur replied, something caught the boy's attention and sighing he took his backpack and got up. "I must go. We'll keep talking about this later." Basile nodded. "Imane." He addressed the girl with a slight movement in her head.

"Arthur." She replied with a dry and at the same time a slightly funny tone in the background.

"Nice to see you again."

"The same goes."

"Goodbye, Dad." Even though Basile was with Arthur's back, that didn't stop the other from lifting his middle finger as he made his way to another table.

"Basile? If you need help, you know where to find us." Sophiane was talking now.

Basile sighed, leaving his dishes clean by the side of the table and nodded to Sofiane. "I know, I know, and I promise you guys I'll stop cheating this year and start studying more."

"And why don't you say that to Arthur?"

"No, I like to make him nervous." He answered with a smile on his face. "Besides, I know he enjoys it too even if he denies it." He moved his eyebrows up and down.

"What do you mean?" It was Eliott's turn to ask.

"Arthur is bisexual. All that toxic masculinity stuff has never been good for me, and I don't have a problem." Basile explained. "Besides he has a girlfriend, she's also bisexual, by the way."

Eliott had never had a problem accepting his sexuality. At first maybe a little but after he opened up and told the truth to his parents and they supported him, and he was no longer afraid. He had believed that everyone would understand it, and there he had been wrong. His girlfriend at the time, Lucille, was very upset with the news. She became more paranoid and controlling than usual, thought that just because of his sexuality he was going to cheat on her with whoever, and it took him a lot of work to convince her otherwise. School was another story, much had spread from word of mouth, his friends had not had the courage to ask him until Eliott couldn't take any more awkward silences and had to tell them. 

No one had bothered him, that was the worst, there were no offensive comments, punches or insults. There was only that silent rejection.

"I am pansexual." Eliott let go after a few seconds of silence. The words had come out without warning, an urgent need to drop that weight on his shoulders had flooded him and now that he had said it aloud he felt a little more relieved.

No one at the table seemed surprised, except Basile.

"Pan what?"

"Pansexual, Basile, is when you're attracted to a person regardless of gender." Imane explained.

"How do you know that?" The boy asked again.

"There are many things I know you don't, such as math, chemistry, physics, biology, French, history." Sofiane laughed under when Imane began to list the courses with his fingers. Eliott also laughed.

"I know those things, a little help in the exams never gets too much."

Imane let out a resigned sigh and put her hands on the table rising from her seat. "Before this conversation becomes impossible and I can't get out of it," she addressed Sofiane "we have things to do."

"No." Imane shut Basile up before he had a chance to make a comment.

Basile must have noticed the question that was drawn on Eliott's face because he laughed and said, "You'll find out."

After Imane and Sofiane pulled out of the table together, Eliott turned to see Basile who was now struggling to keep the thick book in his backpack. He began to enjoy his dessert, a grape jelly, when a girl with bright blonde hair like the sun, pale complexion and light green eyes sat next to Basile.

His cheeks were hot but still wearing the jacket, the whole uniform remained flawless, except for his hair, there were a few locks that had escaped from his tail.

"Hello, my love." Basile greeted her, to which the girl answered with a short kiss on the lips. "He is Eliott, Eliott she is Daphné. My girlfriend."

Daphné was aware of Eliott's presence, her eyes opened in surprise but then quickly composed herself on a smile as she extended her hand to Eliott. He answered the greeting.

"Nice to meet you. Basile told me a lot about you."

"I hope he didn't tell you about that time he made me go to his grandfather's farm and he let the roosters slip away and we had to chase them for half an hour."

In fact, Basile had told you about that journey, but perhaps she had omitted that part of the story. Eliott looked confused at Basile, who was now sporting a little embarrassed smile.

"Are you going to study here?" Daphné ignored Basile. "What year are you in?"

"Terminal. Last year." Eliott replied.

Now Daphné was watching Basile with a frown. "And how did you two meet?"

Eliott was unsure whether the question was for him or Basile, either whether or not he should answer it, taking into account the situation his new friend was in now, and so he decided to be quiet.

"Aren't you going to eat?" Basil asked quickly, changing the subject. "There's not much time left for lunch."

"Yes, I know." Daphné sighed. She let Basile distract her. "I had to talk to the English teacher a few things, and I had to go to the principal to talk about Friday's party." Basile was stroking his back affectionately. Daphné turned his gaze to Eliott again.

"Every year a welcome party is organized, it's the second Friday of the month of September, it's like a start-of-year celebration but last year the seniors made a mess, got drunk, went into the lake naked and they shattered the Cabin. The headmistress had said she was canceling this year's party but I think I managed to convince her."

"That's fine." Basile replied. "See? I told you, she's amazing." He told Eliott with a huge smile on his lips. Which caused Daphné's cheeks to be slightly dyed crimson. Basile put a short kiss on one of her cheeks.

"Will you come?" Daphné asked.

"Sure."

"That's good, that's going to attract a lot of first year's girls." Basile let out a little squeal. "What?"

Basile winced a little. "Daphné, honey, Eliott is pan..." His frown was frowning trying to remember the words.

"Pansexual." Eliott reminded him.

"Yes, pansexual, that is, it is available to anyone."

"Oh, well, perfect." Daphné saw him and nodded with a smile. "Although there aren't many boys open sexually. Most are straight or as your roommate," he addressed Basile "bisexuals. The first pansexual boy." She raised her hands in a little celebration.

Both towards an adorable couple, it was as if they complemented each other. The way Basile looked at Daphné with a mixture of adoration and respect as if everything she said was important, and the way Daphné smiled at Basile and leaned toward him. Those displays of affection that make you want something like that. 

And he saw it again. It was the same boy he'd seen in the building a few hours ago. He was talking to the same guy, only now he wasn't wearing the jacket. His trousers hung at his waist, the shirt stuck a little to his chest, his sleeves were buttoned on his wrists. Eliott could better enjoy his silhouette now that he didn't have that huge jacket on him. He had a beautiful face. 

He had a face that was impossible not to see and even more, impossible to forget.

His cheekbones were sharp, his nose thin, his hair. _God_. Who could have hair like that and look like that? Now that Eliott had seen him, with the light delicately bathing his features and illuminating his hair, giving him a brighter tone, Eliott didn't want to see anything else.

"And what about him?" He asked pointing with his head at where the boy was, a few tables away from them. The couple flipped their faces. "The boy on the right."

"Lucas Lallemant?" She answered with a tone of doubt.

Lucas. 

"Really?" Basile was now seeing him with much confusion drawn on his face. Eliott shrugged and nodded.

"Yes, I don't think so." Daphné said looking unsafe. "Also, it's a little complicated."

He frowned. "How?"

"I don't like gossip or anything like that but since you're new, sooner or later you're going to find out so, "Daphné rested his elbows on the table approaching him. "Lucas might be in love with his step-sister."

Her tone of voice had descended to almost a whisper, if it wasn't because Eliott approached, he was also sure that he would not have been able to hear all the sentence.

Eliott frowned more. "What?"

"He and his step-sister were very close when they were little, before his father married his stepmother, and apparently they were kind a couple. Something childish but for Lucas it was a real thing, then they went away with the time after his father's wedding. She started dating a boy and that made Lucas pretty furious." Daphné turned his head for a moment, checking that no one was listening to them. Something impossible, even Eliott himself was having trouble understanding all that. "A few years ago someone heard him confess his love to Manon, that's his stepsister's name, and she was very upset with him. There was a dreadful fight, since that day they don't talk at all, I don't know what the situation will be like in his family." Daphné denies. "Some say parents know and others say they just ignore it."

Eliott wanted to laugh at the time but stopped when he saw the serious faces of his companions. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, it was absurd. Everything Daphné had just told him was based mostly on gossip and assumptions, in love with his stepsister? What kind of drama novel do these people read to believe something like that? But he realized something, he didn't know that boy, Lucas, he didn't know who he really was. He had just seen him about two hours ago.

Eliott looked away for a few seconds and met Lucas, who was now next to a girl. Her face bent to one side as she laughed at something, her hand resting on Lucas’s forearm. 

Eliott was about to tell Daphné that he may have deserved the benefit of the doubt when Lucas saw him. 

His eyes from a distance had found him. Eliott's heart leaped into his chest of surprise. Suddenly Eliott was more aware of the heat in the dining room, the air was a little more charged, the noise of the people was slowly fading out around him. They both held their gaze for a few more seconds until Daphné's voice interrupted him.

"He also has a girlfriend."

Ouch.

"I'm sorry, Eliott, but I'm sure there are a lot of girls and boys who would die to be with you." Lucas's eyes strayed making Eliott feel a little alone.

"Thank you, Daphné," he replied after a short time "but for now I'm not looking for a relationship."

Eliott could feel like someone was watching him. And he knew exactly where those eyes came from. The rest of the meal, Eliott did not look again at that table, but every now and then he was aware of when Lucas did, and that made him smile inside. Yes, maybe he didn't know Lucas. Yes, maybe they were all rumors. Yes, maybe it was true what was said or maybe not so much. But in reality Eliott had already made up his mind. All that didn't matter.

He wanted to meet Lucas, he was going to do everything he could to see those eyes up close, and for the first time, he wanted to take a chance because he knew those looks.

And if he got hurt, well, at least he tried.

_Conceal, Lucas, if you want me to believe this whole story._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thank you for every comment or kudo! Seriously, I wasn't expecting anyone to actually read this story, but I thank you for taking your time.


	3. Chapter 3

He didn't find it so difficult to settle into the routine. Every day he had classes at eight in the morning, so he would get up a few minutes before six o'clock to go for a bath after Basile advised him to shower early or at night because the hot water didn't usually last long. And indeed, as his friend had told him, on the first day Eliott had to take a shower of cold water.

Their schedule was simple, every morning he would come in at the same time and there were days when he was leaving after three o'clock in the afternoon and others, like Tuesdays, who were free of classes at noon. Nor was it difficult for him to find his classes, as they were all in the same area. Eliott soon found himself comfortable with everything around him. Except for his bed, the mattress was a little bigger than him but not enough and he made a lot of noise every time he changed position. Which forced him to have to adopt a strategy of not moving too much at night.

The first two days he struggled to fall asleep, even though his mind had adapted to the new place, his body had not. In the dark of night, he could hear the wind moving the trees, the sounds of some doors closing and opening, the silent footsteps of one of his companions, the squeaky from his bed.

And a few minutes later –after his ears ignored the sounds around him– he surprised himself thinking of something else. Remembering when he saw Lucas in the dining room. When he grazed his shoulders with him as they both advanced the aisle following opposite paths. As he was returning to his room and saw Lucas sitting on a garden bench next to the girl. He also felt the emptiness in his stomach mouth again when she approached to Lucas and planted a short kiss on his lips. Eliott didn't want to think about it. Eliott concentrated on the details. In the little things he had managed to capture at those moments. Lucas's profile, his hands that most of the time hid in his pockets and if not, were moving around him as he spoke. How his hair moved as he walked, and above all, how Lucas had seen it.

On more than one occasion Eliott was caught watching him and felt shame at first but then not, he did not remove his gaze. He knew he was probably just getting excited and maybe that was all a silly thing to do. Lucas could be straight and he could, as everyone here claims, have some kind of relationship with his step-sister. Chills. But I didn't want to let him go. Even in those seconds, still in the distance, Eliott felt something was beating there. There was something strong enough that pushed him towards Lucas and that he couldn't resist. Something was waiting for him.

The first week passed fast when he felt it was Friday and then Friday made way for the weekend. On those days’ students were allowed to leave boarding school and go to visit the surrounding area. Some went out with their friends to the movies, others for lunch, and some, like Eliott, had stayed at boarding school or in their rooms. Those two days he took every time to catch up on his studies and do his homework, and he realized that it was going to be a difficult thing to settle in on that. He had a lot of trouble understanding numerical inputs, the signs mixed, the processes were confusing. Those three hours he had been sitting at the old desk had been torture for him, and at that moment he decided to accept Imane's offer to help him.

Eliott met Sofiane in one of the classes they both shared and thus obtained the number of Imane. Sofiane assure him that she was very good at teaching and even though she was a year back, she was very intelligent. _The smartest_ , specifying his words.

* * *

And that's how Eliott ended up in the study area on a Tuesday afternoon. Waiting for her now-teacher to come to solve his math problems and bring order to that chaos. Eliott sighed by dropping the pen –which had been nibbling for the last five minutes– in front of his book of History when his gaze met another. One blue eyes. Even in the distance he could clearly see the blue ocean that was hiding in those eyes.

Lucas was sitting on one of the armchairs about eight yards from him. One of his feet rested on his knee and he wore black pants and a grey hoodie with the blue letters: "AMOUR". He seemed a little tired or maybe bored. Eliott wanted to get close to him, introduce himself, ask him how he was, talk to him, anything but he couldn't take that anymore. He could not continue to sit there watching in the distance waiting for God, fate, the universe, whatever, to get the two of them to know each other. Maybe this time fate was telling him that for the first time he'll stop being a coward, shake up and go there and do something.

"Here you are." It was Imane. She was next to another straight-haired girl. "Have you been waiting long?"

The truth is that hours ago he had finished classes but after lunch he took advantage of that time and went to his room to drop off some things and change for more comfortable clothes. He had been sitting at that table for about three hours but he just denied. Imane smiled at him and then sat at the head of the table, the girl took a seat in front of Eliott and a few seconds later someone else joined the group. Lucas. He dropped next to the girl, releasing a sigh as he opened a book.

Eliott's whole body had frozen. At first he felt surprise, then emotion and in the end panic. Well, apparently fate worked a little fast on that.

Imane took her things out of her backpack and rested her elbows on the table. "What do you need me to explain?" She asked looking towards the guys on her left.

"The first thing." The girl answered.

"What thing?" He asked again Imane frowning.

"First of all," the girl answered again, "the first thing she taught in first class."

Imane squinted looking at the girl and then shook her head saying a soft "Emma" in disapproval. Imane opened her notes by going over them. Lucas was writing something on his cell phone when the girl in front of him, Emma, spoke to him.

"I'm Emma." Eliott took his hand in greeting and replied: Delighted. With a short polite smile. Emma raised an expectant eyebrow.

"What about you? What's your name?"

"Eliott, my name is Eliott." Lucas had looked up from his cell phone and was now he was gaze towards him.

Emma asked him some questions, like, if was he new, what year he was going to go in, if he knew what he was going to follow in college, if he already had any idea which universities he wanted to apply to, what thought his parents of his choice. Imane would occasionally roll her eyes and try to do, in vain, that Emma would concentrate on exercise.

She had told him, among small interruptions, that she did not know what she was going to study, complained that she had no plan and expressed exactly her disagreement with that "education system" in which they forced teenagers to choose a career that probably all they were going to end up hating in their third year at college. Eliott was having fun.

Eliott was a little funny. Between her groaning in frustration with mathematics and her future and Imane explaining to her over and over again what the procedure of variables was like.

Lucas had been silent all that time, turning his gaze to Eliott from time to time. Eliott assumed that maybe that was Lucas personality, or perhaps his presence made him uncomfortable.

"Are you okay?" Emma asked Lucas.

"Yes, why?"

"Because I've been protesting these exercises for half an hour and you haven't done the same thing or told me to shut up." Eliott was looking at his notebook but his hand had stopped moving. "What's going on? Did you fight with Chloé again?"

"No." The boy answered in the dry.

"So?" Emma pressed. "Whatever it is, is going to be fixed. She's got to be crazy to go out with you, but she's a good girl," Eliott looked up and found himself with Lucas' eyes watching him and quickly turned to his friend. "just stop, Lucas, one of these days she's going to broke up with you."

Lucas rolled his eyes. Emma now made her way to Eliott forgetting completely what she was doing. Now she understood why she needed Imane's help so much, was very easy to distract, talked about everything and talked at the rate of a thousand per hour.

And she was very funny, she had a lot of things to say even when no one asked her, and she had a somewhat curious look.

"What about you, Eliott? Don't you have a girlfriend?" Imane let out a little tired growl, Emma also ignored it.

Eliott denied. "No." He could have simply denied with his head but it wasn't enough, he wanted Lucas to hear it. "A few months ago I ended a relationship."

Emma raised both eyebrows in surprise. "Was it a serious relationship?"

Eliott made a little grimace, he really didn't want to talk about it. Eliott made a little face, he really didn't want to talk about it. What Lucille and he had, was something special, at the time, but over the years it became a complete routine and after she received the news of Eliott's disease everything had changed. She cared all the time for him. He knew she did it because she wanted it but that was not what he needed. He needed a partner, someone who could distract him a bit from all that shit. Not someone who will remember him every moment, to ask him how he felt every hour, or that the first message he received was one that said, "Have you taken your medications?" He needed his girlfriend. And it wasn't Lucille's fault, or him's, just the two of them together no longer worked.

"We were together for three years. It was a good relationship at first but over time we both changed too much and things got a little tricky to continue."

Eliott really didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to make Lucas believe something it wasn't, that he was hurt by a relationship that he had actually already overcome and that he didn't think he was just looking to be with a girl because he wasn't. His heart was beating at a pace a little faster. Lucas hadn't moved yet; he was still focused on some numbers.

"And are you looking for any girls for now?"

Thank you, Emma.

"I don't know, maybe if I met the right girl" he waited a moment before continuing. "or the right boy." God, Eliott wanted to laugh. From his peripheral vision he could see how Adam's apple of Lucas moved when he swallowed saliva. He had provoked that, he didn't know if it was a good thing or a bad thing, but he preferred to take it as a sign. He couldn't contain the emotion anymore and smiled.

Emma was more surprised. "Then you'll have no problem getting someone." Emma said convinced. "If Lucas got a girlfriend, so can you." She slightly pushed Lucas' shoulder laughing at her own joke.

Lucas gave Emma a fulminant glance, but Emma just kept laughing. The girl wiped off an imaginary tear and spoke to him again.

"You know? I like you, you are a free soul who does not seek compromises, has no problem asking for help when he needs it and you are attractive." He emphasized that last one. "You're like my male version."

Imane released, for the tenth time in the afternoon, a snort. "Yes, well, that male version understands lessons faster than your version."

True, he had managed to fully understand Imane's explanation and was able to do most of his exercises without much trouble.

Eliott was a little proud of himself, if he kept this up at the end of the year he won't have a hard time doing his baccalauréat exam.

"As insurance you know Imane, each person is unique and each person has different learning process." Emma raised her face to one side. "Maybe these things aren't my thing."

"We know what your thing is, Emma, and that's not in the student pensum." Emma gave up and resumed her difficult job of finishing her homework.

Eliott noticed something different on Lucas' face, now he was seeing it as angry? Was Lucas mad at him or did he just decide to put that expression on? Did he say anything wrong? Or didn't Lucas like him enough? Something inside him broke down thinking that maybe the things people were saying were true, and all those little signs I'd sent him until now were the product of Eliott's imagination.

The rest of the time they spent in silence, except for the times Emma snorts, asked Imane to explain again how to do a mathematical operation or throw a comment at Lucas, who simply answered him with monosyllables or rolling his eyes.

Eliott was walking down the aisle counter-the way out after refusing Emma's invitation to go to the dorms together, he had made it an excuse that he had forgotten something in his history class, when he turned his face towards the group Lucas did not see it but he could catch for a few seconds the gaze of Lucas' eyes. There was no trace of his previous anger, instead a feeling of sadness now flooded his eyes. And Eliott knew, Lucas had turned it to see him, too.

He went up to the third level and then circled the entire aisle down the side stairs that were all the way to the end so he could go down without any of the guys seeing him but Eliott stopped when he heard something that caught his eye. A voice that came from one of the classrooms.

"Manon, how many times do you want me to tell you? She and I have nothing. We're just friends, our relationship is platonic. There's nothing between us." The whole building was practically silent except for that voice that was growing higher and higher. "Damn, Manon, once. It was once I was wrong and now you're suspicious of me. I told you it would never happen again, I swore, what's this about? What do you want from me? You want me to leave my friends? Is that what you want? You want to be with me all the time? Watch me for a little mistake I made over a year ago? Is that what you want? A relationship like that?"

There was a little pause where he heard someone let breath go. "No, of course not, Charles, but you have to understand me she sees you −”

"See me how? I don't understand, Manon, if you dislike her so much, why are you her friend?" Another pause but it was long. "I don't like this, not anymore, I can't be with someone who has these paranoia attacks and insecurities." The voice had calmed down a little but had adopted a slightly accusatory tone. Eliott didn't like anything he was hearing. "You're not the same girl I started dating. You were different, Manon, what happened? Now you want to control me all the time, know where this, with whom, why, I don't understand. I thought you were different."

"Charles, please." The girl spoke in a quiet voice.

"No, none of that, Manon. You come here to accuse me of having something with a friend of mine. It's exhausting, this relationship is exhausting, _you were getting exhausting_."

Silence filled every corner of the place.

Eliott did not know whether or not to leave, he feared that if at any time any of them would come out of the classroom they could meet someone spying on them, but he could not move. I've heard enough. Now he knew who Manon's boyfriend, Lucas' stepsister, was, and by "accident" he had learned that they were having trouble. Mainly because, from what he had understood, Charles had been unfaithful Manon before and now they were having trouble keeping that relationship afloat. Eliott felt bad about still standing there listening to something that was private.

That same night he was thinking about everything that had happened in the day.

His conversation with Emma where he had practically hinted at his sexuality, the two glances that Lucas had directed to him, the fight he had heard from Charles and Manon. After a few hours when Eliott was beginning to fall asleep, it was when Charles' image appeared in his mind. They both share a class together, biology, at nine in the morning, on Mondays and Thursdays. He hadn't noticed the boy so much but he just remembered he was quite tall.

* * *

On the Thursday of that week, Eliott saw him again and this time he saw him carefully. He was a tall boy with brown hair, he sat in the second row on the right next to another boy. All the rest of the class did not stop spinning that talk that he had heard from Charles with his girlfriend, he had not liked at all the tone with him that had addressed her and even though he did not quite know what Manon had told him or as it was the situation of both, he knew how to identify when someone was looking to manipulate and no doubt, and Eliott, could said, that Charles was of that kind of person.

That same day, later, he found himself again in the study area. He had written to Imane again asking for help, which he didn't really need, but it was a small excuse to see Lucas again.

"Hey, the smart guy." It was Emma, she took a seat in the same place as last time, in front of him. "I thought you didn't need any more help." The girl was smiling on him in a stinging way, as if she knew something he didn't.

Eliott prefers not to try to understand that and changed the subject. "What about you? Are you still fighting with the multiplication of seven?"

Emma winced. "I hate it. Who came up with the idea of inventing the multiplication of seven? It's the most complicated number of all of them." Eliott laughed when he heard her complaints.

"I don't know, boring people who thought it was a good idea to go and fuck the new generations." Emma nodded approvingly.

"You know what happened?" She asked, Eliott waited. "I don't think those people have ever had sex. Why do you think Albert Einstein got married until he was fifty? I bet he was like _new_ when he got married. Untouchable."

He couldn't help it and laughed again. All the people around him strike him with their eyes, but he couldn't care less. A few minutes later, when Emma told him about her boyfriend, Yann, of their relationship, that they had had highands and low moments, from when they took some time in their courtship but then came back. Emma was recounting the dinner where her boyfriend met her parents when Imane appeared apologizing for the delay.

"What about Lucas?" Emma shrugged.

"He said he had things to do," Eliott bowed his head trying to hide the disappointment of his face "but I think he was going to meet Chloé or something."

"Well, then it'll be just the three of us today."

And so it was, the three spent the next two hours sitting at that table listening to Imane's explanations, occasionally asking for her help, biting the tip of his pencils, erasing mistakes they made. In the end it had been partly good because Eliott needed to reinforce his lesson but also a little exhausting, his whole body was there but his mind was flying to thousands of different places. Asking himself where Lucas could be, if he met his girlfriend, if he had a good day, if he didn't feel the same as him, just as tired.

Eliott still had hope that Lucas would come through that door at some point but it didn't happen. They finished studying a little before five, Eliott offered to accompany both girls to their rooms. He didn't pay much attention to the conversation they kept all the way, his whole body was moving in automatic. The weight of the week was beginning to come to fruition and the only thing that kept it still a little motivated was that the next day would be the start-of-year party.

* * *

His mind completely forgot the invitation Daphné had extended to him the first day he arrived at boarding school, but Basile did the favor of reminding him of it today at lunch.

That Friday night Basile knocked on his door quite enthusiastically. Eliott had opted for a short-sleeved shirt with black jeans and boots. He wasn't sure if there were any essential rules in these kinds of events so he chose the most casual thing he found in his closet.

Basile was wearing a white long-sleeved shirt with black jeans and sneakers. Perfect, it wasn't fancy at all. Arthur was also by side wearing an equally long-sleeved shirt but dark blue that at first glance appeared to be black.

"Ready to go and conquer some girls?" Basile asked as he moved his eyebrows.

It turned out that a few meters from the bedrooms, further into the forest, following a small path it was a small lake with a pier and a wooden house that was originally from the convent ranger but which was leaving for decades. The start-of-year party was for high school teens. Most people, so Eliott noticed, were from first and second years, and he met some of his classmates.

"Hi." Daphné put a kiss on each cheek. "I have a surprise for you."

Daphné moved aside giving way to a girl. She was a few centimeters shorter than Daphné, dark-haired and green-colored eyes with a little gray on the edge of her iris. Her eyes were awesome. The girl was very pretty; he couldn't deny it.

"She's Paulette. Paulette, he's Eliott." The girl, as Daphné had done, planted a kiss on each of his cheeks. His friend was now behind her and she was nodding him with a smile of approval on her lips. God, he'd have to have a serious talk with Daphné, but for now he had to find a way to undo all that and maybe later, if he had time, he'd find a way to conduct that talk.

"Do you want a drink?" Eliott offered him. Paulette opened her eyes in surprise and seconds later her cheeks lit up.

Both of them were, about what seemed to be hours but maybe it had only been a few minutes, talking. She was at second year; she was studying recently at boarding school so she was almost new just like him. Eliott had a hard time following the conversation, not that she wasn't interesting or pretty, but his eyes drifted every fifteen seconds to see around him looking for someone else. Looking for Lucas in that crowd.

The house was dark, on the side of the dance floor was the table where all the drinks were. Eliott didn't know and didn't want to know how all those alcoholic beverages had got there. Daphné had told him that the principal gave students certain "freedoms" in those situations but did not imagine that she was referring to letting minors consume alcohol. He preferred to think she wasn't aware of all that.

From afar he viewed Basile and Daphné dancing next to Arthur. Basile was moving his arms in the air following the rhythm of the music while Arthur spin Daphné in her feet holding her by the hand. Some walked with drinks or cigars in their hand and others were dancing too.

Paulette must have noticed what was distracting Eliott and took his hand. "Do you want to go dancing?" He was surprised but then he nodded and gave her a smile. Losing himself a little wouldn't hurt anyone. He made his way to both of them in the crowd and that's when his body collided with someone else. Lucas lifted his face and found himself within inches of him. His blue eyes were inspecting him and Eliott could feel his heart about to come out of his chest. His whole body had frozen. He had completely forgotten what he was doing before. He swallowed saliva slowly and then Lucas was pushed by someone to get them both away.

Eliott flickered several times, had that really happened or imagined it? Paulette pulled him out of his thoughts by gently pinching his hand.

He resumed his path until a suitable place was found where both could move freely enough. Eliott closed his eyes deciding he was going to get carried away by the music. He hadn't had a drink because that used to affect his medication but for the first time he felt the need to have drunk even a little of that vodka that had served Paulette. Eliott was having a lot of fun with the girl who kept coming up to him and laughing when he made her spin in his arms. And he was aware that someone was watching him, insistent eyes pressed on him but this time he did not look back. He ignored him and kept dancing as if nothing that was going on at the time would affect him.

The music was louder than before. The bodies around them were increasingly together, making it impossible to continue breathing normally. His lungs together with his heart vibrated in every note. Paulette under her eyes up to his lips and smiled broadly. Well, she wasn't so shy after all. Eliott took her waist bringing her a little closer to him. And his treacherous eyes turned to Lucas, who was no longer seeing him. Now he was making out with his girlfriend, Chloé. A hot fire went up from the mouth of his stomach to his chest, he couldn't help but laugh a little while witnessing the scene. Even though one part of him was a little upset, another larger part of him ignored it and formulated a much better idea.

_All right, if you want to. That's how you're going to have it._

He brought his face to Paulette's, who never stopped seeing towards his lips, lowered his face to hers brushing their lips. For a moment Eliott was able to swear that the girl stopped breathing but quickly surrounded his neck attracting him to her while he raised his hands up her back. Eliott smiled just as the two put their lips together. Everything tasted like vodka and vanilla. When he opened his eyes he met Lucas's. The heat he initially felt in his chest spread through his body, the underhist on his skin had all his nerves being sending small short circuits through the tips of his fingers and his lips tingling. It was a pleasant feeling that Eliott was experiencing at the time. He had never imagined that an act like this could be so exciting.

Lucas's eyes never took away from his own, as did the kiss he kept with his girlfriend. Eliott closed his eyes again enjoying the moment. Throughout his short life, he liked to think that he had kissed a considerable number of women and men but nothing was like that. It was so strange. It was a very intimate act. Connect from a distance with a person that way, without any physical contact simply through the eyes and lips. Eliott bit the girl's lower lip leaving his mind to imagine that it was someone else's lips, that those arms belonged to someone else, that the body he was clinging to it was someone smaller than him with messy hair, thin lips, sharp cheekbones. _God_. Eliott hoped Lucas was watching this, that he was feeling the same excitement and emotion that he was feeling everywhere. Let him know this was for him, and for no one else.

He met Lucas again. Eliott couldn't figure out what he was trying to tell him or what he was thinking. His eyes were simply watching him, his lips had stopped moving, letting Chloé follow the work on her own. Eliott felt like laughing, jumping, screaming, he had provoked that. He amazes Lucas Lallemant. He was taking all the self-control in the world so as not to run to him and do exactly the same thing, show him what he was capable of.

The arms around his neck began to come down his chest. Eliott had completely forgotten that he was still attached to Paulette when she parted with a smile on her lips, which now slightly swollen, and approached him.

"Do you want to go somewhere else?" The sound of the music was beginning to get a little annoying, the heat was actually quite unbearable and he realized that all that time he had been being pushed by a wave of bodies, men and women, moving around. Eliott wanted, in fact, to leave but at the same time not, he wanted to be able to continue seeing Lucas, maybe at some point approaching him when his girlfriend was not there but also, very deep down, Eliott knows he won't. He won't come close and they won't talk. They could spend the whole night there playing that game they both invented and neither of them would do anything.

Instead Eliott nodded to what made the girl smile more enthusiastically and will plant another short kiss on his lips.

Eliott turned one last time to look for Lucas but couldn't find him. Surely, like him, he retired with his girlfriend.

The cold air hit his face as he left the house, some teenagers were resting or drinking by the lake and at the pier. Some in the distance were sharing moments as a couple. His hand was intertwined with Paulette's and they headed for the bedroom sand when arms surrounded him from behind, attracting him in a hug.

"My male version!"

Eliott fought a little to get rid of that hug. Emma's eyes were squinted and her whole body was hunched over, and he could tell she was having a hard time standing. Eliott placed his hands on her shoulders trying to stabilize her.

"I was going to ask you where you'd been all night, but I can imagine." Emma whispered the latter as she raised her eyebrows upwards hinting to Eliott that she noticed the girl next to him and the way they both looked.

Eliott ignored her.

"How much did you drink?"

Emma denied moving her hand to her side. "Not much, a few shots. Five, six or seven, I don't know, I lost count."

"What about your boyfriend? Where's Yann?" Eliott asked as he searched around him for any signs telling him where Yann was at the time.

Emma let out a snort, rolling her eyes. Okay, that didn't seem to be good.

"I think we should call him. Tell him, I'm sure he’s looking for you." Continued.

"I doubt it." Emma said. She looked a little hurt and upset. Eliott did not know what had happened between them and did not want to enter territory that he did not know so he decided to say the only thing he thought was wise.

"We were on our way to the rooms, would you like to join us?"

Emma opened her eyes wide and saw them both. "Eli, you're a very handsome boy but I don't like you that way."

Eliott laughed pushing Emma close to him to one side and circled his shoulders.

"A pity, Emma. It would have been nice." She opened her mouth in surprise and then joined Eliott's laughter.

The path to the bedrooms was not so difficult except for the times he had to lift her a little or hold her so that she would not slip on any stone but the cell light helped that those accidents did not occur. Eliott completely forgot that Paulette, who was a few steps behind, continued with them until they reached the buildings and began to climb the stairs.

Emma whispered in his ear. "She's very pretty, I think we're in the same class together but I've never seen her well until now."

"Are you sure you're not bisexual, Em?" Eliott asked him with a joke tone.

"Well, I'll have to try it to know, won't I?" She answered him with a raised eyebrow. They reached Emma's room and she freed herself from gripping him by dropping her arm that had been circling his neck all that time.

"Be careful, when you try that snack it's hard to want another one." They both laughed again. Eliott needed to do something else before letting Emma go.

"Em," called her before she closed the door "could you lend me your cell phone? I think I forgot my room key inside and I have nowhere to stay." Emma nodded and with her hand that was not holding on to the door, she pulled out her cell phone and handed it to him.

He opened her friend's contacts looking for the person she was going to send the message to, when a name between the chats distracted him: " _Lucas_." Eliott looked up looking at Emma, who had closed the door of his room, giving him more privacy. He bit his lip and quickly pulled out his cell phone by copying the phone number. This wasn't planned, getting Lucas' cell phone wasn't what he was looking for, but when an opportunity like that comes along, you shouldn't let him get away. He kept searching until he found Yann's chat, did the same thing with Lucas', and wrote to him.

_"Yann, I'm Eliott, a friend of Emma's. I met her at the party and I think she drank a little too much. We took her to her room, she's fine but if you could come and see her it would be perfect. Sorry for the inconvenience. And don't tell Emma I told you, please."_

After returning the mobile to her friend and thanking her. Eliott came down the stairs and found Paulette sitting on the last step waiting for him. Suddenly he felt a little bad, not only was tiredness starting to overcome him, but also the way he had behaved with her. Nor had it been part of her plan to go there with her but he let himself be dragged into that feeling of emotion after the scene with Lucas and thought that going to bed with her didn't sound so bad but after that half an hour with Emma, it no longer felt the same. Eliott sat next to her.

"Sorry for all that." She denied with a small smile on her face. The way she was looking at him, he could imagine she knew how it was going to end all that. "I have to go to sleep. I'm sorry."

"All right, Eliott, another day will be." She shrugged and Eliott rose. He offered her a hand she took and he helped her get up.

The girl stood on spikes up to plant a short kiss on her lips. Eliott smiled at her when she parted by showing off her slightly flushed cheek.

* * *

On Saturday afternoon when he met Basile and his friends talking at the table in the dining room, he received a call from his parents. They sounded quite encouraged to tell the truth, much more than he expected and that made him feel happy. His parents had always been there for him since he was little.

Her mother was one of those women who were strong, who defended at all costs her opinion, very independent and protective of Eliott. Protective of whom she loved. That had bothered him too much in his early teens but after his diagnosed it changed. His mother realized that there were things she couldn't always take care of and instead she gave him more freedom. Let him make his own decisions, have control over that aspect of his life.

His father, on the other hand, was a pretty intelligent man, who if he knew anything about a subject he shared it and if not, then he kept quiet and was interested, he was someone who enjoyed learning new things. He was also reserved, not as affectionate as his mother, he was affectionate to the extent that he must be. Hugs were at special times like birthdays or Christmases. That's why Eliott was surprised the day his father embraced him when he told them about his sexuality. He knew how much his parents loved him, but that didn't cause his fear or nerves to diminish, on the contrary, that increased by imagining that they rejected him and he lost the love of both.

Eliott will never forget those moments. When he fell and his mother moved her hand up telling him to keep running, that he was strong and that he could overcome that fall. When his father wept with pride at seeing Eliott receiving his first prize for a drawing and painting contest at the age of seven. When his parents held their hands in the hospital room after his first episode. When his father hugged him and told him he wanted him that morning in the kitchen after Eliott said those two words. When his mother rested her head on his shoulder the entire time the three talked about boarding school.

They were good parents, not perfect because no one it is.

They had made mistakes, said hurtful words, shouted or ignored things that were important but never did anything with bad intentions, they never let him lack something, they never raised their hands because they didn't think that was a way to raise someone, they always taught him that he should be grateful for what he had and that he should be who he is and if people didn't like it, then fuck them. Words from his mother, not from him.

* * *

All weekend his mind was traveling to Friday's party. The clash of both bodies on the dance floor. How close the two of them were to each other. The kiss he shared with Lucas from a distance. The burning that ran all over his body. The blue eyes that at no time ceased to observe him. His mind was torturing him those days remembering every detail. Eliott felt that at any moment he would end up going crazy. That it couldn't be possible for someone to feel so many emotions and sensations at the same time in just seconds. Even at that moment he knew that Lucas was not an easy person, that with him there was something exciting and that only provoked a greater desire to be close to him. On Sunday night he was having a lot of trouble, more than usual, to fall asleep so he got out of his bed and went to the bathroom to clear up a little.

And he took a big surprise when he found Lucas there when he walked into the bathroom, leaning over the sink with a red towel resting on his head. No, the towel was white and the red was blood. Lucas was bleeding. Before Eliott had time to think, his body reacted and he advanced to him quickly by taking Lucas' wrist to allow him to see him better.

"Lucas, are you alright? What happened?" Lucas opened his eyes when he felt someone else was with him but then closed them denying.

"It's nothing. I just fell."

Eliott frowned in confusion and then bit his lower lip. He had to do something to stop that bleeding, and as if Lucas had heard his thoughts, he indicated with his head the cabinets below. "There's a first aid kit there."

It was a small green box that didn't have much, a cream, some pills for headaches, gauze, alcohol, oxygenated water, cotton and Band-Aids. Eliott soaked the cotton with oxygenated water and carried his hand to the part of Lucas's head where he had been injured. Lucas complained a little bit, frowning. Eliott couldn't help but roll his eyes.

"It's just oxygenated water, it doesn't hurt. Put pressure there." He led Lucas hand to his and he obeyed.

Lucas was now sitting in the sink's furnished and his eyes were still closed. Eliott pushed his shoulder and with his hand on the boy's chin raised his face towards him.

"Lucas, hey, don't fall asleep. You could have a concussion."

It was Lucas's turn to let go of a snort but he nodded obediently, then opened his eyes and met his own. It was the first time Eliott looked at them that closely and they were even bluer than in his dreams. They were a huge ocean, and Eliott was willing to let himself sink into them.

"How do you know so much?" Lucas asked.

"I used to fall a lot when I was a kid. My mother always said to me: If there is no blood then you can keep playing, but when there was blood then she would heal me and then I kept playing." Lucas smiled sideways looking down.

"Oh," Eliott followed his eyes to his white cotton shirt that now had a few red spots. "sorry." He looked a little embarrassed but Eliott shrugged.

Eliott soaked more cotton with oxygenated water and did the same, leaning it on the wound, his hand on Lucas' hand. He could tell the boy was struggling to keep his eyes open, and that made Eliott smile a little. The initial scare he had felt was replaced by a sense of tranquility. There in the bathroom in the middle of the night were the two of them. Eliott was glad that his body kept him awake and that he was able to help Lucas.

"And what was the worst?" Lucas asked.

"That's when I broke my arm. I was about twelve years old and the kid I liked was a very fan of skateboarding, we didn't know each other but then I found out that he spent hours on a skateboarding track so I went every afternoon until one day he talked to me. And I may have exaggerated and told him I was an expert, I'd never been on a skateboard before, and well, I did well at first but because I was on the lookout for the kid I didn't see the end of the ramp and I fell on my wrist.”

Lucas eyes became small when he laughed at Eliott's story, which caused his heart to widen. His laughter was the most contagious thing he had ever heard before, Eliott also laughed as he remembered that embarrassing day. He had never been on a skateboard again.

"And what happened with the skate boy?"

That part of the story wasn't the best. "He had a girlfriend and he wasn't interested in the boys." That same day when the boy accompanied him to the hospital and was with him the whole time, Eliott swear that he had fallen in love, that he had met love and that they would both be happy together but then his heart broke when the boy told him that his girlfriend had fallen off the skateboard the first time she tried. "I've never had much luck in love."

"I understand you." Lucas answered as he removed his hand from his wound and placed more cotton. His gaze fell a little and the corner of his lips were also lowered into a small pour.

"But you have a girlfriend." Eliott didn't know where that came from, he had no intention of saying out loud but, again, his body betrayed him. Lucas nodded by releasing a sigh and raised his face to Eliott's eyes.

"I know, but I don't think I want to be in that relationship anymore. She's great but I feel like she's being too much for me," Eliott knew that feeling. When you feel trapped in a relationship, like they were both running in an endless circle and didn't know how to get out of there. "I wanted to end the relationship but I couldn't. I don't want her to get hurt, but I know that if I don't break up with her either, I'll hurt her even more."

"You'll find the right time, Lucas." Lucas. He had said his name out loud. The dance that had made his tongue in his mouth, first leaning on the top of his palate, lastly, dropping it. Now that he had said it, now he didn't want to say any names other than that one.

The bleeding had stopped, so he placed his hands on the sides of Lucas head bowing his head towards him. The wound was about five centimeters; it was a red line. He wouldn't leave a scar if Lucas took good care of it.

"Well, I don't think you need stitches if the wound is superficial but you have to let the scab grow so it won't leave you scarring and you won't be bald from that part." He took some cream and applied it carefully. "And be careful for the next time."

Lucas bit his lower lip and nodded again. "Normally I go for a little morning running but when I don't have time I do it at night and I don't know, I stumbled upon something on the way as I made my running and fell." Eliott carefully inspected Lucas face, and Eliott knew no doubt that he was being honest. Besides that, he was wearing Nike sneakers that had once been white but were now full of dirt.

Eliott narrowed his eyes. "Maybe you should be more careful. It could have broken your neck or more hurt your head."

"Yes, I will be." Promised the young one.

They were both pretty close. Eliott stood between Lucas' legs who was still sitting in the sink locked in Eliott's hands that were resting on the furniture. Eliott came a little closer to Lucas face, who under his eyes up to his lips. He could feel the boy's breath on his face, his heart was beating at a thousand an hour, his body continued to lean a little more until their noses touched.

Lucas was closing his eyes as he bowed his face to one side, hinting at Eliott that he would continue. He wanted Eliott to kiss him as much as Eliott wanted to kiss him. The older one grazed his nose a little more with the young one, and was going to place his hands on his waist when the sound of a door opening interrupted them. Eliott abruptly parted from Lucas. The boy's eyes turned to the door and Eliott could see a flash of pink on his cheeks.

Eliott was about to commit murder against the person who had just destroyed his chance to kiss Lucas when he saw Arthur dragging his feet into the baths with a yawn as he rubs at one eye with a closed fist. In that Arthur stopped when he realized the presence of both.

"What are you doing?" Lucas moved his hands a couple of times. The boy throws a fulminant look at Lucas. "Rude." And then he retreats to the toilets by closing the door stronger than necessary.

Eliott was a little confused. "What did you tell him?"

"One of the first phrases I learned in sign language." Lucas replied with a proud smile, Eliott also smiled.

They remained silent for a few seconds until Eliott told him that he was retiring to sleep and just as he was about to leave, Lucas called him.

"Eliott, thank you." He could feel that that _thank you_ Lucas had told him was for more than just helping him heal his wound, but Eliott simply nodded to him with his best smile and retreated to his room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here's another chapter of this adventure. Again, thank you for every kudo and every comment. I'm very happy that you like what I write and thank you for taking the time to read it. You know, next weekend at the same place.


	4. Chapter 4

From that Sunday night the situation with Lucas changed almost completely. Each time Eliott arrived early in the study area to review his lessons with Imane, Lucas approached him. Sometimes they would talk or sometimes just sit there each one doing their own, just sharing each other's company and occasionally dropping some comment on some class, some teacher to some student. When Lucas laughed he do it so eagerly, he would leave all his teeth in sight, close his eyes a little and start denying with his head after a moment to calm down. And Eliott liked that a lot, he loved to make Lucas laugh even if it was with the stupidest joke he could imagine.

Eliott also got to know Lucas' friends. One day as he picked up his lunch, his eyes caught Lucas, who instantly smiled and shook his head telling him to approach. Eliott obeyed immediately and suddenly found himself sitting between Lucas and a girl, her name was Alexia, she was Arthur's girlfriend.

His shoulder touched Lucas's and his thighs were pretty close. He had been close to the boy before, in the bathroom, and his body was beginning to get used to that heat he felt every time Lucas was around. Only God or whoever was up there knew how much it was costing Eliott not to close that gap between Lucas and kiss him. It was as if his mind could only think of that, as if his body was going to explode at any moment. 

That day Eliott knew why Lucas had spoken to Arthur in sign language, Alexia told him that her boyfriend had hearing problems so he needed a listening device and that if he ever spoke to Arthur and he wouldn't answer it was not because he was upset with Eliott. The truth is that Eliott had spent time with Arthur before for Basile but on none of those occasions he spoke to him so much and had not noticed his headphones. At that time Eliott wanted so much to pat himself on the head, it took him more than two months to know that information, rightly he was having a difficult time to get ahead with Lucas. _What an idiot._ Maybe Em wasn't the only one distracted by the two. She was pretty happy that Eliott would be part of the gang and said something like it's about time. Eliott had never been part of a group before, his few friendships were a little forced and they were not like all of them, who made him feel like he was part of a family.

That same day, after lunch, when he said goodbye to them Yann hugged him for a moment and thanked him with great sincerity. Eliott assumed that night at the start-of-year party that he and Emma fought and, as Emma later told him, she left angry and that's when they met. Thanks to the message he had sent Yann, his friend's boyfriend went looking for her and they fixed things up. Eliott smiled back the same way trying to hint at Yann that he didn't have to thank him for anything. Emma was his friend, before long she became like a sister to him, and was more than relieved to be able to help her solve her love problems because God, she could not imagine Em complaining even more than with math classes. Can you imagine a broken heart?

His friendship with Lucas grew little by little. Occasionally they would walk together to the rooms or their classes when either of them met the other. Quickly Eliott learned that Lucas was somewhat reserved with his life outside the boarding school, and it took him a little to know things about him because it was usually Eliott who talked more between the two, but the little information he obtained, he valued it, memorized it and stored it in case at any time it become useful. 

On the second Thursday of October, Eliott was sitting next to Lucas who did not erase the frown from his face while he read a paragraph from his book of French. On the other hand, the older boy had long ago given up his duties and now he was drawing something distractedly on one of the sheets in his biology book.

A little laugh took him out of his thoughts. "What is that?" Asked Lucas leaning closer to Eliott to get a better view of his drawing. Ite was a raccoon who was sitting on the front of an open book and on his head looked at scribbles as if the animal was having trouble putting some order in his head.

"A raccoon." Eliott replied by extending the sheet to the boy.

He took it by closely inspecting the strokes. "And what is the animal supposed to be doing?"

"Studying. It's my spiritual animal." Lucas separated his eyes from the drawing and met Eliott's. He had a slightly funny and curious look at the same time.

Raised his left eyebrow on a question. "A raccoon? Is your spiritual animal a raccoon?"

"Yes, " Lucas laughed at hearing him denying in disbelief. He was looking again at the drawing as if it were something different now that Eliott had told him that. "they're great. See?" He pointed his index finger at the part where the animal had spots on his eyes. "They have a mask."

Lucas shook his head still smiling. "And what other animals do you draw?"

Eliott was a little surprised by Lucas' curiosity about the subject, usually people would look at him something strange or funny but then they changed the subject and forgot about it. No one was ever very interested in what Eliott did except his parents but even to them it seemed a little peculiar to this day, at first it was normal when he was little but over time they simply got used to it and let it all the drawings that Eliott sometimes made on the napkins of a restaurant when he was bored or the ones he left hanging all over the house, yet Eliott knew that they didn't understand it.

"Not many, I usually draw people I know like animals." Lucas raised his eyebrows in surprise and returned his drawing.

"And how would you draw me?" The boy asked him with a lot of curiosity.

He caught it off guard, he opened and closed his mouth by not knowing what to say. Lucas noticed his confusion and that only made his side smile increase. Was that an arrogant smile?

"I don't know, I'll have to think about it." The truth is, Eliott already knew well how he would draw Lucas. He had known almost from the first moment he saw him. A hedgehog. With bright brown hair that defies the laws of gravity, always messy and heading in different directions. He was just as small as a hedgehog and helpless at first sight but he's not really, he's pretty smart, something arrogant, and he can hurt you.

"Are you going to draw me a picture?" Lucas placed his elbows on the table by turning his body to Eliott's side with interest.

The older boy shrugged. Lucas' cell phone vibrated where it was and the boy took it writing and then let it rest in front of him. At that moment Imane came and sat in the same place as always. The three of them stood there waiting until Emma arrived with her hair a little messy and dropped suddenly on her chair.

"Have you started yet?" She didn't ask anyone in specific. She was biting her bottom lip as she struggled to find something among her heavy backpack.

"We've been waiting for you." Imane answered.

Classes were getting harder and harder, and in his old school he doesn't care much about his grades because he was aware of the system besides that it was a public school but here it was different, his parents were paying for their studies, and because of how the things looked he had to work harder to maintain a good average and graduate by the end of the year.

It was a little overwhelming to keep up at this point but thanks to his friends, he managed to get a little distracted, those hours with Lucas made all the weight on his shoulders relieved a little and he could forget all the tasks, classes, partials, teachers, classmates. At that time it was just Lucas and Eliott, there was no room for anything but the two of them.

"I had to go to my room and get my book." Emma apologized.

Lucas' cell phone rang again but this time the boy ignored it, and that happened about five more times but the device was still resting in the same place where Lucas left it before. Imane was in the middle of explaining to Emma the factorization of a perfect square trinomial when the cell phone interrupted her.

She turned to Lucas with her jaw clenarating. "Lucas, do all of us a favor and answer your phone."

Lucas let out a resigned sigh and winced in disgust as he read the name on the screen and then got out of place and went to answer the distance from everyone. After what appeared to be about five minutes Lucas returned and began to gather all his things while he kept them in his backpack.

"I'm sorry, I forgot I had something to do." He told Eliott at a sad look, moving the corner of his lips down.

They finished studying around 5pm and then the two girls and Eliott headed to their rooms. Dinner was usually served at seven with thirty minutes but that night Eliott wasn't very hungry, his body was beginning to feel a little tired, his shoulders were sore and tense, his back hurt a lot from sitting in the same position for hours, and his head was hammering. A knock on the door bringed him back to reality.

"Go ahead." Eliott stayed in the same position he was in, lying face down on the bed with his head on the pillow and his arms each one on the side of his body. The door opened and a head peeked out. It was Basile. He entered the room by closing the door behind him, carrying in his hands a plate of toast and a glass. He left all the food on the table after he rested on the furniture.

"Are you alright? You didn't go to lunch with us today." He told him in a preoccupied tone.

"I'm sorry, I'm very tired and I wasn't very hungry." Basile looked at the plate of food. "But thank you, I'll eat a little of that later."

"Okay," Basile nodded, giving him a little smile "I was coming to look for you because with the boys we're going out on Saturday afternoon and we want you to come with us."

With the boys he referred more than all to, Imane, Sofiane, probably Arthur and Alexia, and Daphné, so it was three couples and he alone. The idea didn't sound so bad but he'd made plans before.

"I'm sorry, I won't be able to. I have a commitment in the afternoon."

"Oh," Basile raised his eyebrows very high in surprise "okay but if you're unoccupied before, you can join us if you want."

Eliott who was still pressed against the mattress smiled halfway at Basile and nodded as possible.

His friend was about to leave when he turned around again. "Don't you need anything?"

"No, you've done enough" referring to the dinner that brought him "I'm fine, thank you Basile."

The boy withdrew from the room leaving Eliott alone again. On Saturday afternoon he had an appointment with his therapist. He started going with her a year ago after one of his episodes. Going to his therapist once a month became a deal he made with his parents, so they stayed a little quieter that Eliott was getting help from someone besides them, from a professional.

  
  
  
  


The next day he met Daphné in the library or rather, Daphné met him. She sat next to him on the couch when Eliott was checking his cell phone and without saying anything gave him a close look. He didn't understand what she wanted, so he snorted desperately.

"What do you want, Daphné?"

The girl got closer, her whole body was turned towards him and her foot rested under her leg with a book on her lap. "I want you to tell me what's going on between you and Lucas."

Eliott's heart stopped. Was it _that_ obvious? Did Daphné know that he was attracted to Lucas? Who else knew? He must have remained silent for a long time because Daphné spoke again.

"Are you friends now or what?" Eliott felt all the air suddenly return to his body.

"I don't know, I guess why? What's wrong with that?"

Daphné bit her lower lip while she shook her head. "Nothing but it's just that I've seen you with him a lot more, and I was wondering if..."

Eliott slathered his face trying to listen to the girl better. "Yes?"

Daphné put her eyebrows together looking for the right words, was she worried that Eliott will no longer be her friend? The boy wanted to laugh at that ridiculous idea but instead placed his hand on his friend's shoulder trying to give her some comfort.

"Daphné, I would never change you two" He denied while amicably caressing the blonde's arm "plus Sofiane is also my friend, and hardly spent much time with him besides lunchtime."

Daphné nodded convinced. "I know, but you hardly ever eat with us anymore and you didn't come down last night."

"Yes, I wasn't feeling very well." Eliott told her with an apology tone.

Daphné nodded again and lowered her eyes to her hands. There was something else she wanted to tell him.

"It's just that Basile doesn't have many friends besides us and Arthur, and he's fine but he really admires you, Eliott." That surprised him a little, if he had noticed that the boy had a lot of appreciation for him because, come on, he was not at all discreet and his whole face was quite transparent in emotions but hearing that coming from Daphné surprised him a lot.

She raised her face upon hearing a slight laugh from Eliott.

"I know, he makes it pretty obvious." She laughed too.

"I'm glad you made more friends, Eliott, sometimes this place can make you feel a little lonely." Her eyes looked a little sad for a moment and he felt like asking her if she felt good or just telling her that he was there for her at any moment. "Especially Lucas, now with his situation."

"What situation?" His voice sounded a little desperate and Daphné opened her eyes in surprise.

"Haven't you heard?" Eliott quickly denied.

"His mom just passed away."

He felt like he was just hit in the stomach without warning. He swallowed saliva and dropped his gaze on the book he was still holding with one hand, the other was now on Daphné's lap. 

And he remembered, Lucas insistent calls, the grimace on his face, when he came out to answer his cell phone and when he returned his eyes were sad, and Eliott hasn't seen him since yesterday, he hasn't written or gone to look for him. An idiot. A tremendous idiot. At that moment he didn't know what to do, he probably hadn't seen him all day because Lucas went to home, a text message sounded something pretty empty, a phone call, he doubted a lot that Lucas wanted to talk to someone at the time. Losing his mother, God, Eliott couldn't even imagine a life without his own mom.

Both teenagers sat there what appeared to be hours, holding each other's hand in silence without knowing how to proceed with the conversation until Daphné had to go to her class and that's when Eliott knew what he had to do. 

* * *

  
  
  


"And how is this month turning out? In our last session you mentioned that you didn't have that much trouble adjusting to boarding school and that everything was going well in your classes," asked Dr. Sætre, a woman of average stature, almost platinum-plated blond hair short to the shoulders, with a white complexion and red lips. She was sitting on an armchair in front of Eliott reviewing some of her notes.

"Yes, that hasn't changed, my classes are still the same. Maybe I'm just having a little trouble keeping up with my other colleagues"The doctor nodded "but I have faith that I'm going to do well in my exams and in my bac test especially."

"I know how important it is for you to go in to study Art, and haven't you thought about a university yet?" Eliott denied, fingers of his hands kept moving on his lap. "And what are things with Lucas?" She asked again after a little silence between the two settled in.

Eliott had told his therapist a month ago about Lucas, had spoken throughout the session about the boy, physically described him in detail, told her about some conversations they had, also on Sunday night but omitted the last part, that was just for him. It was a moment that only Lucas and Eliott had shared and he didn't want anyone else to know about it. Just them. She knew right away that the boy felt something and well, Eliott had no choice but to accept it.

"His mother has just died, and I haven't spoken to him since we last saw each other." His therapist had a surprised face but then softened it as he let out a sigh. “And I don't know, it reminded me of the pain my parents could feel at the time and I don't usually think about that much but sometimes asked me if they could have moved on or be happy." Eliott bit his lower lip looking at his hands. "I don't like the idea of hurting them so much, now everything is normal, everything went back to normal but in moments like these I remember how much it cost my mother to leave me alone and how my father blamed himself for what happened."

"Death is a bit of a complicated subject, Eliott, not everyone processes it the same way and not everyone feels the same kind of pain." His doctor replies. 

Eliott nodded by raising his gaze to her. "I haven't had much experience with losing someone, maybe when one of my animals died when I was little but even at that time the pain was very strong, now losing a mother, a father or even a child."

"I think you should talk about this with your parents, Eliott, let them know how you feel." He was going to start denying and telling her that he couldn't but as if she had read his thoughts, continued. "No matter if it happened three, five or ten years ago, you never had a chance to clarify that situation. It's clear that that still affects you in some way and I'm sure that if all three sit down and talk, a lot of things are going to clear up and, both they and you are going to feel a lot better."

The room was silent for a long time, the only thing they could hear was the sound of the coffee maker.

"Remember the first thing I told you when we started working together?" She asks him by moving her head to one side, her heavenly eyes clear, which are sometimes mistaken for green were inspecting him now. "You have to talk about the things you feel, not only with me but with those who make you feel that way, because then a big knot will form inside you that in time will be difficult for you to open up to others and you're going to stop feeling , your empathy is going to go away and there's nothing sadder than feeling anything."

  
  


* * *

Eliott was lying in his bed reading a book. It was almost eight o'clock at night and the next day he would have to get up and go to classes again. He hadn't heard from Lucas, he didn't know if he'd already returned or how he was, and he understood, he needed time and Eliott would wait. Someone knocked on his door, it was probably Basile who came to borrow something, so he only answered with a: "Go ahead" as usual.

But this time who came through the door was not his friend but someone else, Lucas. His hair was messy as usual, his lower lip it was red for probably biting it a lot, his eyes were bluer than ever, he was wearing a black hoodie that said "Sunshine" in yellow letters and grey sweatpants. The boy took a seat next to Eliott in bed and spread a paper in front of him. Eliott recognized it immediately, it was the drawing he left under his door on Saturday afternoon before meeting with his therapist.

"Thank you, it's very nice" It was the drawing of a hedgehog that was sleeping on his French books. "but a hedgehog? Really?" Lucas asked him incredulously.

Eliott couldn't help but laugh and shrugged.

"They're adorable at first sight but they really aren't, and they have those thorns that look like your hair, all messy." He passed his hand through Lucas' soft hair. The other boy smiled and lowered his eyes to the drawing again.

Now that Lucas was in front of him, he had no idea what to say, he hadn't planned what he would do when he saw him again.

"Lucas−"

"No," the young boy cut him before he said anything else "don't do it. She and I weren't very close." A small knot was formed in Eliott's throat so he swallowed saliva and nodded even though Lucas wasn't seeing him. "I'm fine." Lucas answered before he asked, and then the boy got out of bed and started walking around the room seeing the drawings of Eliott that were hanging on the wall in front of his desk. "I brought you something to thank you for the drawing."

He was going to start protesting when the young one pulled a green bag out of his sweatshirt pocket and threw it at him. Eliott examined it and it was not green, it was transparent, and its interior contained cannabis.

He long ago stopped using drugs because that affected the medicines, caused him more paranoia, anxiety and therefore was more likely to have an episode, but he would not say that to Lucas so instead he smiled raising an eyebrow in question and Lucas nodded.  
  


* * *

"Dubstep?" Lucas yelled.

Eliott was sitting on the floor next to his bed finishing making the third, and last, joint of the night.

"What?" Eliott asked with the joint in his mouth as he lit it.

"Who has dubstep on vinyl records?" Lucas exclaimed again, in his face was a mixture of disbelief and horror.

"Me?" Eliott asked again unsure of his answer. He extended the joint to Lucas who has no hesitating to take it. "What? It's good."

Lucas let out a snort. "Yes, probably for people who don't have ears. You're lucky you weren't expelled from this boarding school because of musical bad tastes. This," he noted with the joint in his hand "it's a crime."

"So? And what do you hear?"

"Decent music." Lucas answered as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Like what?" The older boy raised an eyebrow waiting for the answer.

Lucas took another puff out of the joint giving him more suspense at the time. "The Clash, AC/DC, Queen, Collective Soul." He said pointing to his hoodie referring to one of Collective Soul's songs called Shine.

"Sure, Rock." Eliott laughed at the seeing of Lucas' face, it looked as if he had just said something offensive.

"Rock is the best genre that exists and you like dubstep so your opinion has no validity here." Lucas was seeing him now angrier, he was a little adorable. Eliott only laughed more eagerly at the sight in front of him.

Although Lucas was trying to look serious but his lip gave him away for a few seconds when he got on a half-smile but then re-adopted a serious face.

"And what's your favorite?" Eliott asked.

"Queen." Eliott smiled again. "What?" Lucas adopted a defensive tone and Eliott only raised his hands. 

"Nothing, they're very good. They have very good songs, classics." He was no longer sure what else to say for Lucas to remove that face but gradually softened, sat in front of Eliott offering him the joint.

"Sure, it's Freddie Mercury."

"And what's your favorite song of them?" The older boy asked.

Eliott bit his lower lip. "Good old fashioned lover boy."

Lucas burst into a laugh and Eliott couldn't do anything but roll his eyes. "Are you sure you're no more gay than pansexual?"

Eliott rolled his eyes again. The idiot. "It's a very good song, " Lucas nodded to him. "And yours?"

"Spread your wings" Lucas opened his eyes in surprise at the confused bare of Eliott. "Have you never heard it?"

Lucas didn't wait for Eliott's answer, the boy quickly pulled his cell phone from his pants' pockets and started writing something on screen. "No wonder you like dubstep, you haven't heard the best song in the world."

He left his cell phone face down resting in the middle of the two of them and the little music speaker was heard a few piano notes began to sound before Freddie Mercury's voice appeared. _Sammy was low just watching the show, over and over again, knew it was time he'd made up his mind to leave his dead life behind._ Eliott dropped his head back lying on the bed. _His boss said to him boy you'd better begin to get those crazy notions right out of your head. Sammy who do you think that you are? You should've been sweeping up the Emerald bar._ Now you could hear the sound of the guitar. _Spread your little wings and fly away fly away far away._ Eliott closed his eyes allowing him to enjoy the sound of the voice. _Pull yourself together 'cause you know you should do better, that's because you're a free man._ His foot began to voluntarily follow the rhythm of the drums. _He spends his evenings alone in his hotel room keeping his thoughts to himself he'd be leaving soon, wishing he was miles and miles away, nothing in this world nothing would make him stay._ He could say, very surely, that Sammy was not entirely happy, although the song had a somewhat energetic and hopeful tone, there was still something melancholy there. _Since he was small, had no luck at all, nothing came easy to him._ Eliott opened his eyes and bowed his head to one side. Lucas had his eyes lost somewhere in the room. _Now it was time he'd made up his mind this could be my last chance, his boss said to him: “Now listen boy you're always dreaming, you've got no real ambition you won't get very far. Sammy boy don't you know who you are, why can't you be happy at the Emerald bar?”_ The boy turned his face back looking at the ceiling now. _So honey, spread your wings and fly away! Fly away far away! Spread your wings and fly away! Fly away far away!_ And the chorus was repeated again and again along with the guitar until the room was quietly found again.

Eliott raised his head and met Lucas' eyes, who was now smiling quite proudly. "Wow, that was amazing."

"I know, I told you it was the best song in the world." The young man bit his lower lip containing a larger smile.

"But I didn't understand, "Lucas' face changed and at that moment I was seeing him a little confused "Sammy, what was he going to do?"

Lucas soaked his lips and Eliott saw his Adam apple move when he swallowed saliva. "Well, he was going to kill himself because his _"boss"_ didn't believe in his dreams."

"But he never tells you if he really killed himself." Lucas nodded with little enthusiasm. "We'll never know if Sammy escaped and followed his dream or stayed there." Lucas nodded again and concentrated his gaze on the carpet.

"Maybe he fucked his boss and went too far, to Greece or a country with a huge beach." Lucas said without moving but on his lips began to grow a small smile.

  
  


* * *

  
  


They spent more than two hours locked in the room talking and smoking the other two joints Eliott made with the marijuana Lucas had given him as a gift. Lucas was now lying on the bed facing the ceiling and Eliott was lying on the floor laughing at something Lucas said, long ago that the drug was in his system but he still felt a little dizzy and could feel his body gradually sinking down.

The night air coming in from the window caused the room to be cooler. Eliott returned to his original bedside position after his laughter subsided.

"Isn't it funny that alcohol is a drug that's allowed but drugs aren't? Is marijuana still illegal while cigars aren't?" Eliott was sure that was a rhetorical question.

“I've long stopped consuming." He told the boy as he turned his face to one side to see Lucas a little, he didn't ask him but Eliott still talked. “By a medical condition, I got a little paranoid sometimes, anxious, at first I didn't like the feeling I couldn't control my mind but gradually I got used to it.”

Lucas rose on his elbows with his lips squinted. "Why didn't you tell me before?"

He shrugged. "I'm fine, " Lucas was going to protest but Eliott kept "really, that was a long time ago and I feel really good."

It was true, he had never felt so happy and was sure it wasn't for the drug.

Lucas went to bed again and Eliott sighed as he felt another wave of cold air.

"Wouldn't you like to be able to erase some moments in your life?" The boy spoke again. Eliott quickly learned that marijuana caused Lucas to talk more about anything, until now he had told him so many conspiracy theories that Eliott's brain hurt a little bit just thinking that maybe the FBI was watching them all the time, all around him was a simulation or a dream, that UFOs were a version of them but more advanced, and he had heard it all and had laughed too much.

"Like, I don't know, go somewhere and you can select which memories you want to keep."

"How in the film of the Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind?" Lucas was watching him with a frown now. "Ah, sorry, yes, of course you're more of The Fight Club." Eliott laughed as he felt the nudge the boy gave him in response.

"I'm serious, wouldn't it be great?" He asked but Eliott shook his head. "Why not?”

"I wouldn't want to forget anything, even the bad times. All of that is part of life, without ever suffering and if everything was happy then we would be bored to death. Life is a path full of high and low, and I'm not going to tell you that shit of self-surpassing and moving on because it's that, shit, and it's hard to continue after a ghastly streak but it's those moments that make you appreciate where it is now. If we were satisfied all the time we wouldn't have those seconds where you think, " _Fuck, I'm happy_ " because you wouldn't really know what happiness is. And it's those bad times that shaped my personality, my character and my way of thinking. Practically, all of that takes me to who I am now."

After a long pause Lucas spoke again.

"Wow, Leo, that was pretty inspiring." Eliott rolled his eyes and snatched the joint from his hand. "I'd do it anyway, it's a new beginning. _Blessed are the forgetful: for they get the better even of their blunders_." 

The older boy opened his mouth in surprise and Lucas smiled arrogantly. "I don't like Brad Pitt very much, not after what he did to Jennifer Aniston." Lucas got out of bed sitting next to him.

He laughed again, God, he was a little sore in the jaw of so much smiling. "All right, all right, I underestimate you a little."

"Do you want to share the last one?" The boy took Eliott's hand by bringing him closer to his mouth and inhaled the last of the joint leaving him with nothing else. Eliott was going to protest when he felt Lucas' hand on the back of his neck bringing him closer to him and then his lips were a few inches away. Lucas slowly let out the air and Eliott breathed his lips.

Eliott nailed his eyes to the boy's lips.

"Was that good?" Lucas whispered and Eliott answered with a little _yes_.

His brain was beginning to fail and the only thing he could focus on at the time was the pink lips that were so close to him, Lucas moved his hand up by sinking it into Eliott's hair. They were like this for a long time breathing the air of the other until Lucas spoke again in a whisper.

"Eliott, " his name sounded so good when he said it "when are you going to kiss me?

He looked up in the boy's eyes that were now dark blue as if a storm were about to untie itself in front of him. Did he really tell him that? Eliott didn't wait for his mind to answer that and broke the distance between the two. Their lips were pressing now, and they moved at a slow pace as if it were the first time they were getting to know each other. His hands cradled Lucas face making the kiss deeper, his heart was beating so hard that he could swear that Lucas could hear him. The boy placed one of his hands on Eliott's back. It felt like paradise, it felt a thousand times better than he had imagined, his soft lips testing his own, the warmth, Lucas hands embracing every part of his body.

The kiss gradually became more hasty, more hungry, now that both had lost the initial fear they were now looking to erase any trace of the other. They both wanted to get lost, stop being two and become one. Lucas dropped on Eliott's lap placing both knees on the major's sides. Eliott's whole body was now burning, screaming, a small tremor spreading in the lower part of his stomach. Eliott bit Lucas' lower lip causing Lucas to release a small sound that only made Eliott feel more dizzy than before. His tongue began to play trying to make his way and Lucas accepted it, opening his mouth more and welcoming him.

Everything was rising very fast, he felt that he was floating in the air and that the only thing that kept him anchored to reality was the body of Lucas over his. His excitement had reached another level that was impossible to keep hiding, it felt as if he were trapped in his own body. Lucas noticed but only smiled between the kisses, the boy's cheeks were hot, perhaps because of the kiss or his own excitement that was also being difficult to hide, Eliott could also feel him pressing in the lower part of his abdomens.

Eliott under his hands up to the boy's waist and stuck it tighter to him. They had ceased to be decent human beings a long time ago and now they were just two animals seeking to quench that hunger that neither of them knew they had.

Lucas lowered his hands, which had been lost among Eliott's hair all that time, to the bottom of Eliott's shirt and tucked them underneath, caressing his skin. He didn't know how much longer he was going to put up with this before his body did anything stupid. Eliott realized what Lucas was doing and then his mind reminded him why he was here from the beginning, he returned to just a few hours ago, before the marijuana, before the talks.

Lucas must have realized what he was thinking because he muttered between his lips "No, don't do it."

"Lucas" the boy kissed him again shutting him up.

"No, this isn't about her." He denied with his foreheads together even inches away. They were both breathing hard trying to recover. "I want it, Eliott, _I want you_."

Lucas' heart spined inside his chest, it was no longer enough, he needed Lucas under him. Now.

Eliott kissed him again with his mouth open and Lucas corresponded with the same enthusiasm. The boy resumed what he was doing before and unbuttoned down the zipper. Eliott took his hands to the bottom of Lucas' hoodie and freed him from him along with his shirt, scouring the young man's back with his hands. His skin was warm and soft under his touch. The boy did the same with him, the feeling of Lucas' hands touching his body only made him harder than before. Lucas let out a little groan when Eliott moved under him trying to settle in, he was starting to get a little uncomfortable and they would have to fix both problems soon.

Eliott embraced Lucas' waist with one arm and the other placed it on his back, and gently left the boy on the carpet leaving Eliott on top of him. Lucas surrounds Eliott's waist, causing the latter to release a little growl. He was losing his mind. Small drops of sweat were slipping down his temple and his body reached a non-human temperature.

He went down his kisses down Lucas' neck, biting and sucking small pieces of skin while the other boy bit his own lip. His hand low taking his hip causing both to rub with pleasure.

"Bed." Lucas said to in a choppy voice.

Eliott gently bit the boy's collarbone. "No, very noisy." He got up meeting with Lucas' eyes that were now almost a black color. "And we don't want to make any more noise, do we?" Eliott moved his hip rubbing them, Lucas closed his eyes by moaning when he arched his back. If they kept going like this, they wouldn't last.

Quickly Eliott got rid of the rest of the clothes leaving them both completely naked. Rubbing their dicks with each other. A shiver ran through his body. Even so he still felt he was trapped inside him. His lips went down Lucas' chest to the bottom of his abdomens, buried his nose in the boy's skin, it was a strong smell, impossible to ignore and Eliott aspired to him. And then his eyes met Lucas' erection, his whole mouth filled with water. He could swear at that moment that he had never before wanted to suck a cock so much in his life. Lucas' hands were in his hair. He soaked his lips and approached by gently surrounding the tip of Lucas's erection with his mouth, the boy let out an exhalation. Eliott began to slowly descend all the length heard carefully all the sounds coming from Lucas. Lucas' breathing was being irregular and his hands were pulling more and more of his hair. Eliott released Lucas' erection and repeated the process enjoying his effects on Lucas, then with his hand began to massage Lucas' balls while still sucking his cock.

"God, Eliott–" Lucas gasped by air, Eliott looked up and what he saw made his own erection harder, if that was already possible, Lucas with his eyes closed and his mouth closed leaving a groan halfway, his back was slightly arched.

Eliott continued to suck him more enthusiastically while with his hand he continued to play with his balls. Lucas was so hot, wet, ready for him, at any moment he was going to explode and Eliott wanted to last, he wanted to do it because Lucas had said it, Lucas wanted him.

"I– Eliott, I will not b–" He knew it. He had felt Lucas’ stomach contract and knew he was close, it was a matter of seconds before he let himself go. So he let go of Lucas' erection, and began to deposit kisses around his hip going up to him. His own erection was feeling heavier each time.

From Lucas’ face, small drops of sweat fell and Eliott kissed them each of them down to Lucas’ lips biting his lower lip. "Leo," he liked that nickname Lucas had given him, he liked it when he called it that "I never have. Never anyone..." Eliott instantly understood what he was referring to and realized that he was having a hard time saying it out loud. The initial heat felt was slowly replaced by a more welcoming feeling. Lucas was still a virgin in that aspect of his life and had chosen eliott to be the first.

The older boy bent down planting a soft kiss that Lucas reciprocated, and with one hand he embraced Lucas’ waist, and Lucas embraced Eliott's waist with his legs. And he lifted him off the carpet holding him in his arms, and then lay Lucas on his back in bed. 

"But your bed is going to make a noise." The boy protested.

Eliott denied supporting his forehead against his. "I don't care, there's no way I let you do it on the floor. Not like that" he put a short kiss on his lips "plus, let everyone know" put another kiss "that I'm with the cutest guy" another kiss "from the whole world."

Lucas’ cheeks lit up and he rolled his eyes upon hearing Eliott's words. The older boy searched his nightstand and found a small tube of lubricant along with a condom. 

_Thank you, Christ, because I had always been prepared for any moment._ He thought. 

Lucas was watching him with rather curiosity and amazement, a little smile looming on his face. Eliott put some lubricant on his fingers and then gently let one in Lucas's hole causing the boy to gaunt with his eyes closed, Eliott moved him gently letting him settle in and the boy nodded indicating that he could go on. Eliott did the same thing again but this time the boy stuck his fingers in Eliott's shoulders. His cheeks were red, his body was sweating and shaking, his hair more messy than usual, his chest rising and falling quickly... It was the most beautiful thing he ever saw.

"Please, Eliott, I can't take it anymore." He begged between gasps, he was biting his lip containing another groan.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, Eliott was ready. He felt that this was his purpose in life and now that he had found it, he didn't want to do anything other than that.

He had to make Lucas drop small sounds coming out of his throat, make Lucas hold on to Eliott, make him surround his waist with his legs and squeeze his thighs around him.

His hands trembled with emotion so it took him a little more than usual to be able to put on the condom. Lucas laughed at him and swepeped his head to one side enjoying the show. When Eliott finally managed, that almost impossible mission, he leaned toward Lucas by putting a kiss between their lips and separated. 

"It's going to be good, baby, I promise you, but I want you to promise me that you'll tell me if it's too much or if you want to stop." Lucas nodded, telling him he was ready.

Eliott took his own erection, which at that point was impossibly large and heavy in his hand, and slowly went into Lucas. First the tip and little by little everything, stopping from time to time when Lucas pinched his shoulders and following when he indicated. He was already inside Lucas, and he felt so good, God, it was the best feeling in the world. A shiver surrounded him from the lower part of his back all over his spine. Everything came so bright. Eliott closed his eyes letting himself enjoy that moment when he felt Lucas move, under him.

"Eliott, move." He said with some despair. Eliott laughed as he bit a part of Lucas' neck.

"It feels so good Lucas, you have no idea." He bit the lobe of the ear and then did the same with the lower lip. "I won't last ten seconds."

"Then try it." Lucas answered with a mocking smile, his erection rested between their abs and he could feel it beating beneath him.

Lucas squeezed his thighs more around Eliott and he smiled back as he came out of Lucas, the boy closed his eyes and Eliott kissed him again repeating the same process as before. It started with slow, gentle movements, both groaning occasionally on each other's lips. Lucas moved his waist, instructing Eliott to move more, he wanted to feel everything again, so that's what he did.

Eliott come in with a deep blow that was just driving him crazier. His hand took Lucas' thigh by pulling it a little further almost by placing it on his shoulder thus having more access to it. 

He wanted to feel every inch of Lucas, how tight and hot he was. The older boy moved his hip a little higher and in one movement he touched Lucas' prostate, causing the young boy to drop a sound that he would surely feel ashamed of later. Eliott wanted to keep going, he wanted to continue like this all night discovering more things about Lucas in that moment of intimacy but his body didn't think he could take it anymore. 

He placed his hand on Lucas' waist by sticking it more to the bed and gradually his hip began to move faster, his movements accelerating and adopting a more frenetic pace causing the head of the bed to hit the wall. Between his groans and the sound of the bed, he was sure everyone knew what was happening in his room but he can't care less, now, at that moment, Lucas was under him and his head had no room for anything other than Lucas' mouth, his hands hugging his back, his legs surrounding his waist, the groans of pleasure Lucas let loose every time Eliott moved his hip or his cock touched his prostate. Eliott laid his head on Lucas' shoulder and then buried his nose in Lucas' neck breathing his now stronger smell. Eliott's waist was tingling just as the tip of his fingers, God, was so close. He could see it. Just a couple more seconds and he'll reach.

Lucas' erection was about to explode, Eliott knew Lucas was just as close to achieving his own release. His fingers sticking in his back and scratching him, his eyes closed, his teeth biting his lower lip, the mattress following the rhythm of each movement with a sound, the head of the bed hitting increasingly strong against the wall. Eliott's knees were starting to hurt, but he didn't care, he didn't care how dizzy he felt, the bruises Lucas's fingers would leave on his skin, none of that mattered when he was living this. 

His hand went down to Lucas' butt which he contracted with pleasure and the boy was talking to his ear, _Eliott Eliott Eliott Eliott_ , was the only thing he could say and the only thing he wanted to hear forever. The way Lucas said his name, soft, between groans, interrupted from time to time, was like music to his ears, no one had ever said his name with such desire.

"I'm so close, Eliott, please." Eliott took it in his hand and began to move his hand to the same rhythm as his hips. Lucas had his lips pressing his temple trying to suppress his groans.

And Eliott, still moving, kissed the young boy's jaw. "You're so beautiful, Lucas, you're the most−" his cock had found Lucas' prostate again, causing them both to shudder "beautiful that exists." And that was enough for Lucas to let himself go, something warm he surrounded his hand and all his abdomens, Lucas clung tightly to him. 

And that was, likewise, enough for Eliott. His hip struck the last blow and his hand clung tightly to Lucas' waist. His whole body was dropped from the abyss, an ecstasy and great relief sinking him at the same time as a great heat from the tips of his feet to his neck hugged him from behind. His whole body was freed, his knees began to tremble, his elbows could no longer hold him and he dropped on Lucas. Both were drenched in sweat, in their own pleasure, both chests rose and went down quickly trying to catch their breath. Eliott could still feel the electric current on each of his nerves.

His face rested on Lucas' shoulder, his nose rubbed on the skin, still wet, from his neck and Lucas’ hand rested on his nape, his fingers were playing with the tip of his hair. He felt so good. At any moment he could fall asleep right there, between Lucas' arms stroking his hair and back and his still glued bodies with nothing to separate them.

"Eliott?" Lucas asked quietly. He made a little sound in response. "Do you think anyone listened? We were very quiet." Eliott laughed low hugging Lucas more. "In fact, no one is going to be talking about that tomorrow."

And as Eliott had thought, that didn't matter, he could do this for the rest of his life, not eat, not sleep, do nothing but this but he didn't tell Lucas. Instead he kept his eyes closed and let the cold of the night enter through the window and that the sound of Lucas' heart, which had returned to its normal rhythm, was the last sound he will hear before falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, I hope you enjoyed it and thank you, thank you very much for every kudo and comment you leave me. Next week things are going to get more _interesting_.


	5. Chapter 5

Eliott was thinking about it the next day, his whole body was now sitting there receiving his Monday classes but his mind repeated over and over again each of the things that happened Sunday night with Lucas. Occasionally smiling as he remembered Lucas' hands hugging his back, it was as if he could still feel them there. That morning he had woken up alone in bed and went down to breakfast after bathing, but he didn't see Lucas anywhere. He supposhesed that maybe he was still running because it was still early but all day he didn't see him in the hallways either, and he began to worry a little that maybe Lucas regretted what happened between the two, that he was angry with Eliott for taking advantage of him or Eliott misunderstood all those signs and Lucas just let himself go for the moment.

His phone vibrated in the pocket of his uniform pants, and when he saw the message he almost felt his heart leap from his throat. It was Lucas. He had written to him that they would meet in the last hall of the corridor. Eliott asked permission on the excuse that he would go to the bathroom and when he left his class he almost ran to where Lucas was waiting for him.

It was a small dark room that was illuminated by a small spotlight that was located to the bottom of the other wall. The place was full of boxes, cleaning utensils, some barrels, Lucas was leaning on one looking at his cell phone when Eliott came in and walked up to him. Lucas looked radiant, his hair was as messy but not as messy as the night before, his lips full, his cheekbones sharp and his eyes the color of the sea. He had to contain his desire to approach the little boy and kiss him, get lost again on those lips that he already knew how they felt and touch that body he already knew.

"Hello." Eliott told him with a little smile.

Lucas smiled alike, letting go of a little sigh with relief. "Hello." Both were silent for a moment until Lucas spoke again. "I broke up with Chloé."

Eliott felt his eyebrows unintentionally rise in surprise. He didn't expect that, really. "And how do you feel?

Lucas shrugged in response. "Well, I mean, I feel bad for her because she didn't deserve that but it's for the best. Ours long ago that it no longer worked and to stay together was not only hurting us both but was a waste of time, she can be with someone who gives her what she wants and who loves her the way she should be loved."

He fully understood that feeling, that's how he had felt when he ended up with Lucille. That they both had to find the right person or at least try because it was clear that they weren't that person to the other.

"What about you?" He couldn't help but say it, Eliott wanted to know what Lucas wanted, what he thought he deserved and whatever Lucas was to say, Eliott wanted to be that someone for the boy. "What are you going to do?”

Lucas watched him for a few seconds, the silence became heavier and then Lucas wet his lips, denying. "The truth? I don't know." The young boy replied, his hands resting on the lower back still leaning on the barrel. For some strange reason Eliott felt as if he had just been poured a boat of cold water on him because although he knew it was all very sudden, he still had hopes that Lucas would tell him, as a few hours ago, that he wanted him. He was done with Chloé for that, because he wanted to give both of them a chance, but it was stupid. He was very stupid to think something like this would happen.

Eliott swallowed dry and nodded down his eyes to his feet. The shoes were a little mud-stained. He did the only thing he could imagine doing, apologizing, because perhaps Lucas was as confused as he was but not for the same reason. A guy who was with another guy recently and who had just broke up his girlfriend. Guilt was drowning him now.

"Lucas, I'm really sorry if you think I taken advantage of wh−"

"Eliott, " Lucas interrupted him before he continued. He looked up and met Lucas's eyes watching him carefully, inspecting every part of his face before continuing. "Enough, I told you, my mother and I were nothing close. What happened had nothing to do with her. I'm fine, I promise. You didn't make me do something I didn't want, Eliott, don't believe that."

The older boy frowned slightly in confusion. "Don't you regret it?"

Now it was Lucas' turn to frown, his eyes suddenly looked a little annoyed as if Eliott would have just said something offensive.

"Of course not," he replied by swallowing saliva "do you?"

Eliott bit the inside of his cheek trying to control the desire to smile with all his might. Lucas had no remorse.

"No, of course not." From where he stood, on the other side of Lucas, separated by less than a metre away, Eliott saw how the shoulders of young boy that were previously tense were relaxing. He remembered the advice his therapist had given him two days ago and thought, _Fuck everything, he needs to tell him, and Lucas needs to hear him._ "It's been the best night of my life." 

A small spark of joy settled in Lucas’ eyes and his corners rose in a small shy smile. It was the little boy's turn to turn his eyes down. Eliott was so eager to lift his face and make him see it, he didn't want to miss any detail, see every one of his emotions reflected in those blue eyes, and touch that smile with his lips.

"Mine too." Lucas said finally in such a low whisper that it took some work for Eliott to hear it even though there was no noise around him. "It was amazing."

Eliott agreed and let out that smile that had been suppressing so long, his eyes almost closed with happiness. Lucas raised his face when he heard Eliott's laughter. "It's good to know that, I thought I'd ruined you or something."

Lucas hastily denied and rose from where he was leaning by approaching to Eliott a little.

"Don't think that, Eliott, right now everything is a little complicated in my head but what happened between us is something I wanted to happen..." The older boy got a little closer also helping to break the distance that separated them. "And I want it to keep happening, " Lucas's eyes were nailed to Eliott's neck and they went up until they met the tallest boy's. Eliott could feel the boy's breath punching his throat. "if you want."

There was nothing more Eliott wanted than that, but instead of telling Lucas, he laid his hands on the sides of the younger boy's face and stroked his cheekbones sharp with his thumbs by gently delineating them. And he bent down to support their fronts together. He closed his eyes enjoying the scent that surrounded him, smelled a little disinfectant and chlorine but, even in between so much chemical, he could distinguish Lucas' aroma. He opened his eyes and met Lucas' seeing him under his eyelashes with a smile by his side.

He liked those, that skin, those lips, those eyebrows, those hands that were now on his waist, he liked Lucas so much. He himself was surprised by those thoughts, he liked Lucas. It sounded so good, it felt so right. Another smile slipped away from his lips and Lucas walked away a little.

"What?" He asked raising an eyebrow in questioning.

Eliott brought him back up by gently pushing him from the neck and grazed the tip of his nose with Lucas's. "I just haven't stopped thinking about you all this time. That I was the first."

Lucas's cheeks lit up at the time and his skin was now painted a red color, he was so adorable.

"How smug. You give yourself a lot of credit." Lucas replied.

Now it was Eliott's turn to part with his hands placed on Lucas' shoulders. "Excuse me? A few minutes ago you told me it was amazing."

Lucas shrugged. "What will I know? You're the first guy I've ever been with, maybe I'll change my mind."

"Well, that has a solution." Eliott answered with a flirtatious smile on his face and brought Lucas back by placing his hands on his waist, sticking him to his body. Lucas let out a little gasp in surprise that only made the blush on his cheeks increase.

"Yes?" He asked the blue-eyed boy lowering his eyes to Eliott's lips. The older boy nodded slowly by tilting his face until with his tongue he grazed Lucas' lips, the boy gasped again but his hands were now tightly squeezing Eliott's arms.

He laughed low when he saw the reaction his touch had on Lucas. With his teeth he took Lucas' lower lip by approaching him and the boy left him, opening his mouth and welcoming his tongue, and both melting into a hungry, hasty kiss. Lucas's hands traveled to his hair pushing him the deepest kiss. Eliott felt a familiar warmth in the part of his groin. It was getting so addictive all this, their kisses, their bodies touching, how could he survive so long without Lucas? He wanted to stop time and stay there forever, just the two of them.

But as if Lucas had read his thoughts, he walked away a little from his lips by hastily muttering, "You're going to have to be quick." Another kiss. "I have to go back to class."

His kisses were now a mixture of saliva and a desperate dance of tongues in the other's mouth, Eliott knew what to do and his heart beat more quickly as his hands went down to the back of the boy's thighs and instinctively the boy jumped circling his legs around Eliott's waist, just as he had done last night. Their bodies fit so perfectly. And he left Lucas sitting on a barrel without first squeezing Lucas' butt with his hands causing him to moan on his lips.

His hands headed to Lucas' belt unleashing him while his lips traveled around Lucas's neck, there was still trace of Eliott's kisses, small marks and that only made his own desire increase, his trousers were becoming small and tight around him. He hears another little groan coming from Lucas when he bites a piece of his skin, not enough to leave a mark but strong enough that it made Lucas pull more of his hair. Eliott parted with Lucas after he lowered Lucas' boxers and pants long enough. Lucas was hard, too long, the tip of his erection dripping with excitement and Eliott could feel his own growing further inside his clothes. He spat in his hand, and took him in his hand. He was swollen and solid against Eliott's grip. He stroked the tip with his thumb and floated. Lucas closed his eyes and dropped his forehead against Eliott's.

"Lucas," Eliott spoke as his hand continues to caress the tip of his cock while seeing Lucas gasping in the air. "open your eyes."

  
  


He wanted to see it, he wanted to see each of Lucas' expressions, he wanted to see how he let himself go for the pleasure, how he fought at the same time to hold on longer, how he sought air, how his eyes were lost, how he bit his lips avoiding letting slip sounds from the bottom of his throat, Eliott wanted to see everything. He had been the first and the only one who was going to see all this. No one else had seen Lucas like this, wild, fierce, dominated and vulnerable, all at the same time, no one else just him. That simple thought was sending him away from there. _God, what had that boy done to him?_

Lucas obeyed and opened his eyes which were now a dark color, clouded by lust. Eliott went down to the base and climbed back up to his head pumping it tightly several times. Lucas moans again by squinting, fighting the need to close them. Lucas's hands pulling locks of his hair rubbing their lips and then Lucas bit Eliott's jaw. The boy was shaking in his hand, his whole body was trembling with pleasure and Eliott knew he was so close. Under his hand up the boy's balls, which were now bigger than before, and massaged them for a moment. That sent a little chill all over Lucas' body. 

Eliott kissed Lucas desperately while still moving his hand through all his erection that had grown so much under his touch, with each move he commanded a heat wave all over his body and his own cock that was now sure to stain his pants. Then he would take care of it, now he only had eyes, hands, mind, body for Lucas and nothing else, he separated a few inches from Lucas' lips. The idea of being away from him could kill him.

"Come on, Lucas, come on." Whispering against his lips, Lucas' breath struck him gently. His own breathing was mixing chaotically. "Do it for me, let me see you." And with two more movements of his hand was enough for Lucas to let himself go, warm, humid, strong in his hand. Lucas moans noisily and tilts his head back with his eyes closed raised upwards, his lips squinting letting out another groan of pleasure while his arms are tightly tightening his shoulders. The boy leans forward burying his face in the neck of the older guy fighting to get the air back.

Eliott under his hands up his own trousers lowered enough to free himself from his own cock, which was harder than he had ever been. It wasn't going to last at all. He wouldn't need much of his own touch to come, and he also didn't remember that it had ever happened to him, not since puberty, but all the spectacle he witnessed from Lucas's own orgasm filled him with so much pleasure of his own. He took himself, his hand was still wet by the coming of the young boy, that thought made him let go of a small groan. Lucas got up seeing him in the eyes that were now his normal color and wet his lips. Eliott wanted that mouth so much. He wanted them on him so much. Leaning forward kisses those lips and Lucas corresponds by luring him towards him by the hair, Eliott released another groan on the kiss when he felt it. A spasm shook his entire body from the tip of his feet running through his spine to the bottom of his neck. Lucas hugged him more. The older boy lowered his head by resting his forehead on Lucas' shoulder clinging to him, his arms surrounded his waist trying to hold on and closed his eyes. His whole body kept shaking as he recovered.

He won't remember that a straw felt like this, he had masturbated so many times before but never felt like this time. Nothing felt the same way with Lucas.

It was until they both recovered and separated that they saw the disaster they had made. Lucas' shirt was soaked in the lower part just like Eliott's shirt but the last guy had a stain on the front of his black trousers.

"Fuck." Eliott said aloud as he tried to float his trousers with his shirt sleeve.

"Yeah." The young boy replied with a snort when he put his shirt in his pants trying to hide his own moisture. "Again, Leo, no one's going to know you had sex." Eliott couldn't help but turn his eyes, which caused Lucas to laugh and approach him trying to clean his pants too.

"Didn't you bring your jacket?" From where he is he could easily bury his nose in Lucas' hair. The young boy denies raised his face and encountered a sneering little smile on his lips, which were now swollen and redder than before.

"No, you're going to have to go out there with that." Lucas answered by biting his lips. "That's your punishment."

Eliott raised a surprised eyebrow. "Punishment? Why exactly?"

"Because for you," Lucas replied by placing a his index on Eliott's chest emphasizing each word. "I couldn't go for a run today."

Eliott opened his eyes in surprise and opened and closed his mouth a couple of times until Lucas laughed at his reaction.

Eliott relaxed in his arms and circled his waist with his arms bringing him closer to him. He could never get enough of this.

He was going to bend over to kiss him, but Lucas stopped him away.

"I have to go." Eliott sigh resigned by letting go of it but holding the young man's hand and intertwining his fingers, how could he go to class after all that? "Wait a few seconds before you leave." Eliott nodded again, they were both smiling. The boy started walking on his back and when he was going to let go, Eliott pulled him for the last time by sticking his breasts and kissing him. It was a soft, slow, short kiss, nothing like the previous ones, and Lucas parted again away with a bigger smile.

"Lucas," Eliott said before the boy opened the door ,"I won't tell anyone. All this" moved his index into a circle "it's our secret."

And as on Sunday a few weeks ago, Lucas answered with little: _Thank you_ , full of so many things.

* * *

  
  


He was now sitting with his friends eating in silence, since they arrived they have been behaving somewhat strangely. Eliott at first thought that maybe upset because he couldn't accompany them on Saturday afternoon but he knew it wasn't that, on Sunday things were fine between them.

Imane excused himself as usual along with Sofiane and then Daphné folded forward by placing his elbows on the table.

"Who is it?" She asked him bluntly. Eliott looked at the girl first and then the boy, over and over again trying to buy some time. Lucas was right, his friends knew, probably a lot of people knew but no one had any idea who he was and that was a good thing. He didn't want to uncover Lucas' sex life and get people to talk more about him.

"Who's who?" He answered to Daphné keeping a dull look.

"Don't get smart, Eliott, the person you were with last night." His friend, Basile, answered, still with his eyes open waiting for some confession.

"What?" The boy answered again. He couldn't keep his friends like that for long, but he had to try something.

"What?" Daphné mimics Eliott's tone by turning her eyes. That made the boy laugh, he had rarely seen his friend so frustrated, she always managed to get what she wanted and he was sure that right now she was on fire inside.

Basile sighed when Daphné turned to his help. "Come on, Eli, pretty much the whole boarding school heard you last night. I'm surprised the principal hasn't heard from her home."

Eliott had to swallow hard so as not to spit out his soda right in front of them. The whole boarding school? It was an exaggeration, he was sure only the guys who slept closest to his room but even that was a lot. He began to feel a little warm in his cheeks and cleared his throat before speaking again.

"I don't know what your talking about." He shook his head down his eyes towards his food. "It wasn't me."

The girl let out an irritated snort. "You're the only one who has a bed as old as the walls of this boarding school."

He ate the last bite of his lunch even without raising his eyes, felt bad about lying to his friends but it wasn't a situation that was in his hands. It was Lucas' thing. Eliott did not know if the boy was bisexual, gay or a confused straight, and although Lucas did not ask him out loud to keep his secret, he had secured it and would keep his word. The last thing he'd like to do in the world would be to hurt the blue-eyes boy.

A long silence installed among them until Daphné broke it.

"Come on, Eliott," pleaded the girl with her eyes open, no matter how much she put that puppy face, Eliott's lips were more than sealed. "Is it Paulettee?"

When seeing Eliott's confused face, Daphné bowed his face aside looking at him now seriously. "The party girl." She cleared him up.

"No." The older boy responded dry.

"Then who? Is he in the second year, third year?" The blonde bombarded him with many questions, her eyes widened and she placed both outstretched hands on the table. "Is it first?"

Eliott narrow his eyes, throwing a look at her that she had to be serious. "No."

The blonde snorted again in frustration and threw herself back lying behind her back. "Then is a boy."

"Daphné, " Basile interrupted her and spun his body holding the girl's hand among his own. "leave it, he will have his reasons for not saying anything."

Basile was the best, why hadn't I told him that before?

Daphné had a small frown, his lower lip was slightly slanted down forming a pout.

Eliott also leaned on the table leaning on his elbows and crossed his arms in front. "Sorry, Daphné, I can't tell you." He told her with all the sincerity and Daphné must have noticed because she nodded to understand it.

On part of Eliott knew that she would not let the subject die there, that she would keep looking for the information until she found it, and that only alerted him so that he and Lucas would be more careful. They could no longer have meetings in boarding school warehouse rooms, much less in his room, more specifically, his bed.

"Does she have a boyfriend?" Daphné asked him again by giving him an innocent little smile. 

Eliott turned his eyes again ignoring that question. "And how do you know?" 

"Basile told me." The girl replied.

"Is she cute?" His friend asked him now. He nodded and a small smile appeared on his lips getting bigger and bigger as he thought of Lucas.

"Too much, you have no idea." Eliott's eyes traveled carefully to the back of Basile where a few meters away was Lucas, who had his eyes open in surprise and his eyes also as he listened to his friend in front. His hair was still a little messy but no as the last time they were together but the desire to pass his hand through Lucas' hair increased.

"I'm glad, Eli, but next time try to be quieter. Some people are trying to sleep."

* * *

  
  


"And your friends never suspected?" Aimée's hands had stopped writing long ago, the tip of his pen was floating a few millimeters away from the sheet of the notebook. Eliott went for his third cup of coffee of the day, usually coffee, like few people, caused him a lot of sleep but this time it was different, his body felt so alert, awake, now that he had started talking he could no longer stop.

"Not at that time." The sun has long since dropped and the night was making its way in front of them. Outside the restaurant, through the window, the women walked next to men or held by the hand of a child, others strolled with their dogs and occasionally a man would walk through the door of the food place and take a seat while taking off his coat. Everyone had already left work or study, in an hour or less the place will be full. "Later yes, Basile was the first. He confessed to me."

"What about the others?"

Eliott denied a small grimace on his lips. Even today he has no idea how his friends knew, by rumors surely, everything that was talked about in that boarding school was based on rumors and gossip. He saw the girl's drooping gaze and knew what she was thinking.

"It wasn't Basile. He looked a little embarrassed and guilty the day he told me." 

The girl nodded in acceptance and wet her lips downing her eyes to her notes, closed her notebook leaving the pen inside so as not to lose the leaf where she was writing.

"Didn't you find that deal a little strange?" Aimée asked him. "What was your relationship like." There was that word again, _relationship_.

Eliott denied. "There was no deal." The dark-haired girl contracted her lip in a grimace of bewilderment. Eliott cleared his throat and stroked the handle of his empty coffee cup with the tip of his index finger. "Ours only happened. It may sound a bit silly and reckless but we just let go, I don't know, we were both so needy at the time, we both need each other." He paused for a moment and looked again towards the large window which was a few feet away. "Are you asking me if I was afraid? If a part of me doubted our relationship? If I wasn't a straight boy's experiment? His distraction? He was hiding in the closet? He was confused with himself?" Aimée didn't answer. "Of course I was, I was very afraid. I've never felt anything as strong and as powerful as that. That was much bigger than me, and I was afraid that it might end up destroying me." 

It still hurts. That pain over the years only increased more, it keeps pressing there on his chest every time he thinks of Lucas. That he was never going to love someone like that before and that no one was ever going to love him the same way. Some tears threatened to fall into his eyes but he blinked several times and he met again with Aimée's eyes which she was watching him closely.

"But I accepted it, I took whatever he was willing to give me. An hour, a day, a week, a month, a year, whatever he'd need, I was going to get him and I was willing to reciprocate him. Even if that was going to end up tearing me apart."

And it was.

Aimée opened his notebook again and took his pen by crossing out some things. "Did he talk to you about his sexuality?”

"Yes, but at the time that was the least of our problems."

* * *

  
  
  


Hours and hours passed to days and after days to weeks, and Eliott and Lucas spent all that time together. Not everything but more than before. Lucas would visit him from time to time in his room, spend hours talking about whatever it was, his classes, his friends, music, art, movies, series, silly things, important things, whatever made them feel comfortable. Other times they did not talk, the two would only lie together or separately and sleep, Eliott read, Lucas would check his cell phone, Eliott drew, Lucas looked at him, those few hours spent together in the room were Eliott's favorite moment. Yes, they also looked at each other during the day, at lunch with their friends, in the hallways, in Imane's classes but it was different. At that time they were two beings isolated from each other, quite the opposite when they were alone, that barrier disappeared completely and they became one. There was nothing that would separate them.

"How are you going to tell me you don't think he's an attractive guy?" Emma asks Arthur with a reproach tone.

"No, I'm just not telling you it's not attractive because he is, but it's not my type."

All at the table were watching the conversation they were now having. His friends had gradually kept quiet and focused their attention on the "discussion" Arthur and Emma were having about some Italian actor that everyone at the table loved except for Arthur. 

"And what's your type like?" Sofiane asks him with interest.

"Well, light-eyed, curly hair, I don't mind the hair tone but if they're brown better, they're shorter, thin composure, pretty smiling." Arthur answered by adjusting his glasses.

Basile denies with a frown. "Impossible, that's not your type."

"How do you know that?"

"Easy because I'm not like that." Basile replies simply.

Arthur releases a snort at the same time as some at the table laugh. Eliott was sitting in the corner of the table next to Sofiane and Imane, opposite him was Alexia, Arthur, Basile and Daphné. Lucas was at the other end at the head of the table next to Daphné and Yann.

"And since when _are you my type_?" Arthur questioned Basile by marking a few words.

His friend surrounded his shoulders and lured him in a hug. "Since you met me, clearly."

"Find yourself both a room." Emma told them complaining in a fake tone.

"Excuse me, Emma, but both" Basile points to him and his friend "we have a couple that both" do the same "we love."

"Yes but there are people here still eating." It was Yann's turn to point at himself and his half-finished plate of food.

Eliott's cell phone vibrated inside his pants, he pulled it out and saw that the message was from Lucas. A small smile peeked out the corner of his lips, and opened it:

_"What class do you have next?"_

_"Philosophy."_

_"Are you going to philosophy?"_

_"Yes, why shouldn't I go? Is there anything else I should do?"_

_"Yes."_

_"What?"_

_"Be with me."_

_"I don't know, philosophy is entertaining."_

But even Eliott himself believed that lie.

_"Very entertaining?"_

_"We are seeing some works by Aristotle for now and there is one that makes me very curious."_

_"And chance does that work have any connection to sexual practices, procreation, man and woman?"_

_"How do you know that?"_

_"Sometimes I paid attention in class even if you don't believe me."_

Eliott rolled his eyes.

_"Stop doing that."_

_"What?"_

_"That, you make this a little difficult for me."_

Eliott wanted to laugh, but he wasn't going to risk anyone seeing him.

_"Then I guess you don't want to miss something so essential about your class."_

_"Clearly."_

_"Well, if you want to test what Aristotle said, you can come and get me. I'm free at 3:45."_

_"I'll think about it, and I'll let you know. Maybe I need your help this time."_

_"I'm very good. You won't regret it."_

_"I don't doubt it."_

After locking his cell phone and storing it, Eliott turned his face leaning forward a little so he could see Lucas better. The light brown-haired boy found his eyes and the corner of his lips lift slightly, giving him a small smile that only Eliott could see.

Yes, he definitely won't attend his history class.

  
  


* * *

  
  


And that plan didn't last long. During the first hour the teacher assigned a classmate to each of the students in the classroom, even though they were almost at the end of November and the final exams would not be until about three weeks later, the teacher explained their final work that would be half the grade of their last exam before the end-of-year break.

And Eliott had he had to work with Ingrid Spielman.

A tall girl with straight hair and golden blond color and her green eyes.

_"I'm sorry, I won't be able to):"_

_"Was Aristotle more interesting then?"_

_"I'd like to, I have to do a work with a partner."_

_"Okay, nerd."_

The work consisted of an essay they were to write about the analysis of one of Aristotle's works known as _Ethics to Nicomaco_ , luckily for the boy he had already read the book a few years ago at his old school and it was not very long but also short , he reworked a little of what the philosopher explained about happiness but thought it might not be a bad idea that he had to read it again. Ingrid, on the other hand, was not very interested in the subject.

"360 pages? About what? Did he find a cure for cancer?" The girl asked as she passed the pages of the book. 

"Actually, he found the reason why human beings exist?" Eliott answered, he knew the girl's question had been rhetoric but he thought it was a good idea for her to know a little bit what they were going to be working on in the next few days. 

"Really? And it took him 360 pages to explain." 

"It's a little more complex than that."

"How?" The girl leaned forward curiously. 

"The role of man in the world or the reason we are all here is for happiness, that is what moves us all." 

The girl frowned and walked a little. "Happiness? Is that it? Sounds a little basic, didn't he come up with something harder?" 

"Happiness is hard." 

The girl disagreed. "Of course not, alcohol, sex, friends, that makes me happy."

"No, that's what you think is happiness but it's not." Eliott lets out a sigh. "Aristotle says that's not happiness, those things that give you pleasure for a moment are not full happiness, don't you feel a little bad the next day you're going to drink? It's supposed to be something that has to make you happy all the time but then the next day you wake up with a hangover in bed with someone else you don't know and do you feel the same as you did a few hours ago? No."

"What if that makes me happy?" 

"There's nothing wrong with that, if that makes you feel good then keep doing it, but happiness is not an easy thing to reach. It is a path full of a series of actions that you have to take using your reason, and if you do it well and always seeking excellence, happiness will come to you through those actions that were always guided by other virtues." 

The girl raised an eyebrow with a small smile and Eliott shrugged in response.

"Wow, I didn't know the handsome boy in the class was so smart." 

It was Eliott's turn to deny smiling a little. "No, I'm not just that I had to memorize it to pass my philosophy class a few years ago." 

"And modest too. This," said the girl moving the book in her hands "it would be more fun if you gave the class."

"I doubt it, there's no way that philosophy is somehow more fun." 

"You could try me." Ingrid throwing a look at him, not innocent. 

At that moment the girl's cell phone began to ring, Ingrid looked down and rolled her eyes. "I have to go," she said with a disappointed tone and took her things by placing her backpack on her shoulders. "but we could get together later."

Eliott nodded in response and the girl said goodbye with a kiss on each of his cheeks, and then headed to the door. From a distance Eliott could see who was waiting for Ingrid, it was a tall and well-known figure, Charles.

  
  


* * *

Eliott arrived in his room a little after six, Lucas and he used to meet after ten when everyone was in their rooms or finish enlisting to go to sleep, but that night Eliott wrote him a message asking if he could get to him.

So minutes later, someone walks into his alcove. The only one who came in unannounced was Lucas, he couldn't risk wasting time outside and someone saw him. He was wearing black tracksuit pants with a sweatshirt of the same color and tennis. Practically all of Lucas' clothes were the same, comfortable clothes, he had never seen him wear anything different.

Lucas stood next to Eliott who was sitting in his chair in front of his desk. The young boy put his hands inside Eliott's hair and stroked him. That was so nice.

"Are you okay?" Lucas asked.

He nodded slowly, letting out a small sigh. The fingers in his hair felt so good.

"Why did you write to me?"

Eliott shrugged, dropping his head on Lucas' lower chest, closing his eyes. His sweatshirt smelled so good, he smelled everything like Lucas.

"I wanted to catch up with you. We couldn't see each other this afternoon."

Lucas let out a little laugh while stroking the older boy's hair. "Oh, you do have a lot to catch up" under his fingers to Eliott's neck "but today you look very tired."

He gasps a little as he feel Lucas's hands coming down to his shoulders, and then denies slowly. Now he was giving him a slow massage on that part of his body.

"You're falling asleep."

"It's your fault." Mutter with his face still hidden.

"My fault?" Lucas responds in a surprised tone but Eliott knew he was smiling. "Sorry did you find me boring?"

He shrugs again. "Sometimes when you start talking about some biology like the meiosis process that makes my head spin."

That just caused the little boy to pinch his shoulders tightly for a second.

"Auch."

Lucas was now standing between Eliott's legs still sitting. He rolled around Lucas' waist and raised his head by resting his chins on the boy's lower chest. They both stayed quietly enjoying those minutes together. You see, this was what Eliott liked most about being with Lucas. The comfort they both felt in the presence of the other. It was so easy to let go and forget everything else.

"How'd it go with your work?" Lucas asked him by removing some locks of hair that covered his forehead

"Mh, it could have been worse."

Lucas raised an eyebrow in curiosity without erasing his smile from his face. "Really?”

Eliott sighed and rested his cheek again on the sweatshirt. "He didn't consider me an expert in philosophy, not a great connoisseur of Aristotle, I swear I don't understand half of the things all those Greeks say, and this girl, well, she has different opinions and interpretations of philosophical thoughts."

"Well, that can be good, right? That person may not know some thoughts of the philosopher may be helpful in giving you other interpretations. Like a newborn baby, see it that way."

Lucas was right about that but his classmate didn't look at the kind of student who would go to take a book from Aristotle overnight and analyze it thoroughly, and as he had suspected it from the beginning he was going to end up doing almost all the work.

"Possibly, I just hope Ingrid reads the book."

Lucas' hands freeze in his hair.

"Ingrid Spielman?"

"Yes, do you know her?" Eliott replied trying to look carefree.

Eliott knew the answer even before Lucas was told. Lucas knew her, of course, yes, everyone who was on the lookout for Charles Munier's life knew that Ingrid was her friend and therefore was also friends with Lucas' stepsister, Manon. Eliott had seen them together countless times, at mealtime, in the hallways, in class, but despite that he never touched the subject with Lucas. He was certain that Lucas was aware that the knowledge of the rumors was some of the public domain at boarding school but they never talked about it. He didn't know whether or not to tell him, ask him, it didn't seem to be any of Eliott's business and it wasn't something Lucas should explain, it was his private life, everything that was unrelated to his friends or boarding school, everything outside that place, felt wrong to touch. Even the death of Lucas' mother seemed to be a forbidden subject. Eliott spoke about that again once recently and the young boy ignored him and kept talking about something else.

If Lucas ever gets to open up with him, Eliott wants it to be because he had confidence and wanted to.

"No," Lucas finally replied, "we've never spoken."

Eliott was thinking about what to say when Lucas spoke again.

"Is that a new drawing?"

"Yes," Eliott raised his face and saw a drawing he had recently made. It was a raccoon standing on top of a mountain trying to touch the sun. "how do you know?"

"I like to see them every time I'm here." Lucas told him quickly as if it were the simplest thing in the world, but for Eliott it was something important. A smile grew on his face and without wasting time he pushed Lucas letting him fall on his lap, the young boy let out a little surprise and Eliott kissed him.

He is so lost, wherever he and Lucas were right now, there was no turning back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter is one of my favorites, I hope you will enjoy it. And as always, I'll be uploading it next weekend. I hope everyone is all right right now and that everything that's going on in the world will be fixed soon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: We will be talking here about some heavy issues such as mental health, suicide attempt and also drugs and acohol play an important role in history. If you want to skip that whole part, you can find a little summary of that part at the end of the chapter.

Lucas's weight on his body was pleasant. His hair smelled like lavender, his skin was soft and a little warm, his fingers were both moving making small drawings on each other's palm. Lucas was lying on his stomach with his cheek resting on Eliott's shoulder. The afternoon heat came through the window of the room where the sun lit up the corner of the wall.

Both boys skipped the last two classes of that day with the excuse that they were going to study a little, a lie they had told each other because they both knew that the last thing they were going to do was that, study, that wasn't really in their plans. But they tried, really, but they gave up after fifteen minutes after Eliott couldn't take it anymore and he'll start leaving small kisses around Lucas' neck. And the books were soon forgotten, the shoes, just as some parts of his uniform were scattered all over the floor. The peace of mind he could breathe was second to none. The weight of Lucas’ body upon his, his warm hands touching his, Lucas’ slow heartbeat upon his, after a long day full of classes, after his long kissing session, both were exhausted,the dream was gradually becoming present.

Eliott was letting himself be wrapped in the tide of sleep.

"Eliott?" Lucas asked quietly while moving his fingers caressing Eliott's arms.

"Mh?" It was the only thing the older boy could say, even with his eyes closed he felt how Lucas rose leaning on his elbow without separating their bodies.

"Can I ask you something?" Eliott opened his eyes and met Lucas's, delicate ocean blue, the most beautiful color he had ever seen. 

"Sure."

The young boy bit his lower lip insecure. "What did you think the first time you met me?"

Eliott moved some hairs that were scattered on Lucas' forehead and under his hand placing some locks behind his ear. He gave Lucas a small smile that caused Lucas to smile also, erasing any trace of nervousness from his face. 

"I thought, _"Who made that boy so angry that he'll have that face of wanting to kill someone?_ " Lucas' mouth opened in surprise and a small laugh caused his body to shake over Eliott's.

"Why? I don't look angry all the time." Lucas replies, looking outraged by Eliott's response, the older boy laughs at the view of his reaction and nods moving his hand up to Lucas' neck by stroking his mole with his thumb.

"Of course, but I learned quickly that that's really your face all the time." Eliott wet his lips and sigh at the same time as he said the first thing that came to mind. "Actually, that wasn't the first time I saw you. The first time I saw you was the first day I arrived at boarding school, I was on the third level with my parents and the principal and it was time to change classrooms when I saw you. You didn't see me. You were with your friend talking." Eliott looked up and Lucas' eyes were shining, something behind them was hiding and Eliott could not say what exactly it was but the feeling that ran all over his body so pleasant.

"I didn't see you." That's all Lucas whispered.

Eliott shrugged smiling again trying to tell the boy that he didn't care about it, it had been such a special moment for Eliott that he wouldn't like to share with anyone but Lucas himself. The blue-eyed boy bit his lower lip again with a small smile on his lips, his cheeks pink. Eliott was so eager to kiss him.

The boy dropped back into his chest sighing. "Aren't you a little afraid?"

"What?"

"Like your life would be different if you had made other decisions." Lucas' hand was resting on his chest. His warm and delicate palm feeling each of the blows of his heart, which had suddenly accelerated for a moment.

A Eliott didn't like to think about it, sometimes he did it, but if he could avoid it it was better. The questions they contained a: And if, and if I had acted differently, if I had asked for help earlier, if I hadn't locked up, if my parents had paid more attention, if I hadn't used drugs, if I'd accepted that glass of beer, if I hadn't gone to buy marijuana, and if, and if, there were so many possibilities.

Eliott also sighed before answering, his hand tracing small paths down Lucas’ back.

"Like in the Butterfly Effect movie?" Eliott felt a small blow to his chest and then a laugh.

"Stop with your film references, I know you're a moviegoer." He was sure Lucas was rolling his eyes when he told him that. "I'm serious, something so small can change the course of your life altogether."

"Yes, I know and it's terrifying." The white wall of his room had a small stain on the corner, and Eliott wanted to change conversation but he knew this was something Lucas wanted to talk to him about. "So many things that would have been different." He fell silent for a moment before continuing. "If my parents hadn't applied to work they would never have gone to America and if they had never gone I would never have gone in boarding school and I would never have met you."

"A world full of possibilities." Lucas answered, their hands met and their fingers intertwined. "What would you be doing if you weren't here?"

Eliott smiled at the image that fell on his head. "I'd be in my room doing exactly what I'm doing here, sleeping, doing homework or trying to do them, listening to music."

_But you wouldn't be with me_ , he thought but he didn't say it though.

"What was your room like?"

"A little bigger than this one. A slightly more comfortable bed." Lucas laugh again. "The walls were almost white in color but you couldn't see it because most of the space was covered in drawings, it had a desk but not as old as that." Eliott tried to remember details of his bedroom, he wanted Lucas to imagine. "There was a huge map of France in front of the desk, it had a wardrobe with very basic clothes. My mom was mad at me about leaving things all over the place. And I had a little library, which I wanted to fill with lots of books."

"Someday you'll fill it with books.” He told him laughing and then he was silent for a while before he kept talking. “I've always been here. For as long as I can remember... My room has always been my room." There was something sad about the way Lucas said it, but again the older boy didn't say anything. He bit his lower lip waiting for the boy to continue. "I haven't had to make a lot of decisions in my life, but I like to think that out there are other versions of myself that have proven everything."

"Others like you?" Eliott asked him. Lucas got up again looking him in the face.

"Yes, in some parallel universe." Lucas again bit his lip nervously, a habit Eliott had realized he tended to do when he felt insecure about something. Eliott placed his hand on Lucas' cheek, caressing him and gently delineating his jaw with his thumb. Lucas smiled at him in response. "In the same world like this, in thousands of other worlds equal to these there are other Lucas who have done many things." Eliott raised his eyebrows in surprise asking the boy to continue, Lucas laughed causing his full lips to light up his whole face. "For example, there is a Lucas who is helping families in some countries, there is another Lucas who likes to do dangerous and high-risk things, another Lucas who is president, there is a Lucas who lives on a small farm and has many dogs," Eliott laughed at the image of that "and there another Lucas who has traveled all over the world looking for his place."

"And where does that Lucas live?"

"On a small island in Greece." His smile was not fading at any point and that made Eliott's eyes smaller when he smiled.

"And are there other Eliotts in those worlds?"

Lucas moved his head aside without stop seeing him in the eye. "Perhaps, they may meet."

"A shame." Lucas frowned in confusion, and Eliott continued before the boy will speak. "Eliott will be pitiful next to all those Lucas."

Lucas laughed again making Eliott's heart beat faster when he heard the sound. He liked Lucas's laughter so much, it was his favorite thing. Eliott raised his head a little by closing the distance between the two of them and making their lips meet along the way. It's a slow, delicate kiss, Lucas's lips were soft against Eliott's. His whole body vibrated every time the two of them were together. It was a feeling Eliott would never tire of.

Eliott embraced Lucas' waist and turned the boy around leaving him lying on his back. His hand that was on Lucas' cheek went down to his neck opening his mouth further allowing their tongues to explore the kiss more. Lucas's hands were hugging his back and scouring Eliott's shoulder blades with his hands when a noise coming from the door stopped them.

Someone had knocked on the door. The two parted with their slightly altered breath waiting.

"Eliott?" It was Basile's voice.

The older boy was debating between answering or ignoring him in the hope that Basile thinks he's not in his room and hopefully Basile will leave, but another part of him knows that the only reason his friend is out of class at that time is because he was taken out of class again, and he's probably going to stay there waiting for Eliott to return to his room.

Picking up his cell phone notices that there are five new messages from the boy. Eliott sighs low, his friend had texted him some messages before and he had not seen them because his cell phone was silent. Put the cell phone back in place before answering.

"Yes?"

"Are you busy?" Basile asked from the other side.

Thanks to God he keyed the door after he and Lucas came in.

"Eh," he under his eyes meeting Lucas's inches away from him. He didn't look so worried but it was also not entirely comfortable with the situation they were both in at the time. "truth so, Basile, I'm kind of busy." He tried to make his voice neutral to raise suspicions and to make Lucas feel calm, but something in the latter part ratted him out or perhaps it turned out that his friend was much smarter than he thought.

"Oh." Basile replied in a way that Eliott wasn't liking so much. "Already, I understand. Sorry, I didn't mean to bother you with your girl."

Lucas' mouth opened in surprise and his eyebrows rose equally. Eliott had to bite his lower lip so as not to laugh at that moment, instead resting his forehead on Lucas' shoulder trying to hide his face.

"See you later, Eli."

And then, Eliott guessed, his friend left. The two remained silent for a few more minutes until Eliott felt Lucas's body move through the laughter that was coming out of him. The older boy raised his face meeting a questioning eyebrow from Lucas waiting for answers.

"Girl? Why does he think you're with a girl?" He asked after his laughter calmed down.

"It was the only thing I could think of to tell them when he and Daphné did me an interrogation." Lucas's smile gradually erased and his face turned a little serious, his hand sank into Eliott's hair stroking him.

"I'm sorry, I really don't like that you have to lie to your friends for me."

Eliott quickly denied raising his hand until he touched Lucas' cheekbones with his thumb, suddenly the need to touch him and let him know what he felt was too much.

"It’s okay Lucas, I don't like to tell lies either, but sometimes they're necessary. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, okay? I understand that you are confused, it is right that you are because this is all new to you, and I have no right... Hey, look at me." Lucas’ eyes had strayed to one side but when Eliott gently moved his face, his eyes met the older boy again. "Neither I nor anyone knows what's going on in that head of yours, and only you can make decisions like that. Okay?" Lucas nodded. "I don't care what your are, Lucas, your sexuality doesn't define who you are."

Lucas opened his mouth for a moment and closed it again, instead only nodded with a small smile on the corner of his lips. His eyes looked a little sad but very deep down, beyond there was a spark of relief.

"Thank you." The boy answered with the blue eyes.

Eliott denied, and he supporting his forehead against Lucas and before kissing him he whisper to him. "You must stop thanking me."

  
  


* * *

  
  


A few days later, Eliott was on his way to the dining room when one hand touched his shoulder and then felt someone kiss his two cheeks in greeting. He recognized the perfume instantly, it was Ingrid. Her hair was pulled up in a badly made bun that for some reason the boy imagined she had done it this way on purpose and her nails were painted black. He hadn’t spoken to her again from the philosophy class where they both worked for a while on their final work.

"You didn't give me your number last time." It was the first thing she told him. "When are we going to continue working?"

Eliott had already made some progress with the essay, he planned to finish it all on his own and that Ingrid show up offering her help wasn't really something he was expecting.

"I've been working a little, I've been working on my own, but if you want to help me."

He wasn't so sure he sounded convinced, but if Ingrid noticed, she only ignored him because she smiled at him and nodded.

"Of course, your explanation was very good."

Eliott couldn't help but laugh at that comment, he couldn't deny that he was a little flattered by it. His hopes of becoming a teacher one day were still alive.

"Okay, then after the first class?” 

Ingrid nodded again, reaching out to her hand. Eliott understood what she was asking of him and handed his cell phone to what she later wrote her cell phone number and added it to his contacts.

"I'll see you later." The girl said goodbye to him again by kissing his two cheeks.

As sitting with his friends, while Daphné was pecking at the fruit salad on his plate, he couldn't take it anymore and asked.

"Do you know Ingrid Spielman?" That had come out so fast, he didn't want to think much about Ingrid but the little he knew about her was because of what he had seen and nothing else. And if he wanted to know a little more about Lucas, he had to start by getting to know Manon a little bit more. And who better to report what Daphné?

"Sure, everyone who knows Charles has to know Ingrid." Daphné replied quite simply. “They two have been friends since before they came in here. Apparently their parents do business together or something, anyway, Charles came in to study here when he was about thirteen or fourteen. They say it's because his father travels a lot, but it's really because Charles wasn't accepted anywhere and his father gave a good donation to the institute. And before long, a year at most, Ingrid came to study here as well. They've always been friends the two of them, and maybe something else."

"Something else?"

"Yes, apparently they had something at the time when he and Manon broke up but after Charles returned with Manon, she was forgotten."

"And what does their parents work for?" Eliott asked her.

The blonde girl put aside her food and squint her eyes, watching it closely.

"Do you like Ingrid? Is she the girl you're with?" Basile, who stood next to his girlfriend, began coughing after drowning with his glass of water.

"What? No, no, it's nothing. I'm in class with her and we're a partners for a work."

After turning away her eyes, Daphné turned to caress Basile's back that his face was now a red color.

"Ingrid's parents work on an airline, well, they own an airline. It was founded by her great-grandfather many years ago and that's what her family has lived through all this time. Not that they have a lot of money but if they live well enough."

"And why couldn't they have a lot of money? It's a family business, isn't it?"

"Yes and no. They actually share the company with other people, partners, to keep the airline afloat, but a few years ago, when Ingrid's uncle was in charge of everything. He got into a lot of financial trouble, planned to close the airline but Ingrid's father took over and people advised him to sell or file for bankruptcy and shut it down, but he decided to sell some parts. Now that family business belongs to another as well."

"What about Charles's father?"

“Château de Lyon.”

“¿Château de Lyon?” Eliott replied again to be sure that he had heard well his friend's answer.

Daphné nodded with a pleasing smile on her lips over the reaction he got from Eliott. "Yes."

"Does he own Château de Lyon?" The green-eyed girl nodded again without removing that smile from her face. "But how?"

"Well, the business isn't Charles's father's, it belonged to his mother. She was an only child and inherited everything for herself when her father died but in reality she was never in charge of anything, it was always Charles's father who handled everything. And after the death of the wife nothing changed, it is expected that one day Charles took over but we don't know, he's probably going to be the big brother but nobody says anything about him. He's been living in London for years since he graduated." Daphné let out a sigh. "The father is going to have to look for someone else because neither of his two sons seem right or the most interested in running that family business."

Of course Eliott knew Charles' father's business, all of France knew: Château de Lyon. It was one of the most prestigious wines, wherever you went, you were always going to find some of their wines. He still remembered the first time he tasted one of his spirits when he was thirteen, before all that, once at the house of a friend of his. He hadn't liked it at first, it was the first time he tasted a wine like that, but in the end they both ended up drinking the bottle and almost vomiting. His friend's mother thought it had been something they ate during the day and she never suspect, or at least that's what they thought, that both children had drunk a whole bottle of alcohol. And suddenly the doubt assaulted him again as a few minutes ago.

"What business could Ingrid's father have with Charles?"

The girl shrugged in response before her boyfriend interrupted her.

"I think Charles' father bought a portion of the airline from Ingrid's father. A big part of that purchase is the one that saved the company."

Daphné frowned again to see her boyfriend. "How? Why did Charles' father want to be part of that business. It's not like he need the money."

It was Basile's turn to shrug. "I don't know that, I just know he's a partner because one of my father's firm's lawyers took care of the case. It was pretty important, they almost lost everything because Ingrid's uncle, but they managed to save it."

There were some other things Eliott also wanted to ask but bit his tongue and held back. Yes, he was curious about Manon and Lucas but he didn't think it was entirely right to know about them this way, as he thought a while ago, he wanted Lucas to trust him. That everything he learned from him was because the boy wanted him to know, but there were also so many things he didn't know, such as; if he was an only child, about his father, his mother, his life outside of high school, his relationship with his step-sister or his stepmother.

"Is something wrong?" Daphné asked him, her eyes were re-inspecting him carefully. Eliott realized that both were watching him after he didn't say anything for a long time.

"No, nothing, just trying to process all the information."

"Eliott, do you want some advice?" He nodded without taking his eyes off his friend's eyes. "Keep your distance from Ingrid, if you plan to approach her don't. I don't know her at all, but her friendships aren't good."

Eliott wanted to ask her if he was referring to Manon or Charles or both, because in reality, he doesn't know anything about Lucas' stepsister. But instead of asking the question he just nodded.

* * *

  
  


Just after the clock marked the end of his last class of the day, Eliott received a message from Ingrid telling him to be in the dining room to continue working on his philosophy essay as they planned. On his way to his destination, he wrote to Imane telling her that he would not be able to go to class that day. The girl replied that it was fine, and that she would see him next week. The biggest surprise Eliott took that day was not that Ingrid offered to help him but that next to the blonde girl was a girl with brown hair, red lips and dark green eyes. Manon, she was right there. Both girls were on their cell phone when Eliott took a seat in front of them, Manon raised her eyes and saw him, the expression on her face changed nothing.

"Ready to continue explaining all those things to me?" 

"Did you read anything from the document?" Eliott asked her, prompting Ingrid's face to make a small grimace of disgust. 

"I tried, but it looks like it was written by a caveman. It has many technical words and many, many, many long sentences, the only thing this book served me was to fall asleep quickly." 

"Well, but I need to argue with someone about the text to compare ideas."

"Come on, love, you tell me what you think and I interpret what you interpret." Ingrid explained as she played with the necklace that rested on her neck. 

A snort sounded on the other side causing them both to turn their attention to Manon. "And you think that's a good idea? It's easier for him to do the job alone." 

Ingrid rolled his eyes, seeing Eliott again, but Eliott did not deviate his eyes from Manon. "Have you read it?" Manon nodded without erasing the expression of boredom in his eyes. "And what do you think?" 

The girl had her eyes squinted, while she kept denying. "That it's a lot of lies, what assures you that acting correctly will make you happy?"

"Nothing, absolutely nothing because happiness is not something that can be defined. Happiness is something that is built little by little. It's like the law of attraction, you attract good things and good things will come to you." 

Manon denied this time moving the end of his lip to one side. "Not all the time is so, sometimes the kindest people are the ones who end up suffering the most and being unhappy. Making others happy isn't going to make you happy."

"I'm not saying make others happy, that never works, if you do that you'll end up frustrated with yourself because like you, that person is never going to be satisfied with anything. I'm saying of good deeds, of always acting with virtues, self-assessment yourself and always looking for the best in what you do." 

"That's ridiculous, we all have a hard time acting the right way, even the holiest one has trouble not doing something wrong."

"Yes, it's true, sometimes we're wrong and we're not always good people, but it's the intention with which you do it." The boy was starting to feel a little warm in his chest and he knew that feeling, something inside him was getting very upset.

The table was silent for a few seconds until Manon spoke again. "It makes no sense, the idea of Aristoteles' happiness is destined for failure. Not everything is born with those virtues and not everyone can be good all the time." 

"That's right but some of us can try." Eliott wet his lips again turning his attention on Ingrid. "Do you still want to help me? I think I can finish the work on my own."

  
  


* * *

When Eliott went to knock on Lucas' door he hoped to meet the boy but instead the one who received him was Yann with an expression of surprise at first but then replaced it with a smile that invited him to move on. Eliott took a seat in what he believed was Lucas's bed, with the same sheets as his and the two pillows on top of the blue duvet. The room was slightly larger than his, there were two desks instead of one, one night table next to the two beds, two closets less old than his, the window was in the middle of both beds, the walls were exactly the same and the carpet also except for a small brown stain that was on the corner of one of the legs of the bed.

Yann and he spent a few minutes talking when the door of the room opened and Lucas came in. On his face was also a surprise before confusion when he saw both of his friends laughing about a comment Yann said about Lucas' socks and how he struggled to get used to the boy's mess before teaching him how to make the bed properly. The truth is that Eliott felt very comfortable being in Yann's presence, he didn't know him very well but for everything Emma told him and Lucas too, he could notice that Yann was a good person, a boy very focused on what he wanted , who loved his friends very much and who protected them, was like the father of the group who, as Eliott had seen, was willing to pull Lucas' ears whenever he did not behave properly. 

Lucas dropped his backpack next to the door while still seeing them both. "What a surprise."

"I say so." Yann answered by watching it from top to bottom.

"What? This is my room."

Yann raised his index finger ready to mark a point. "Correction, it's my room too and I hope you leave that in the correct place."

Lucas rolled his eyes in response to the time Yann got out of his bed and went to the door. "I'll go with Emma for a while, I'll be back in an hour." He told Lucas as he glanced at him with his eyebrows raised. To which the boy responded by turning his eyes again closing the door behind Yann. Lucas locked the door as usual.

"What are you doing here?" Eliott had not moved at any point from where he was, sitting in the young boy's bed. Lucas on the other hand had his back against the door with his arms folded in front of his chest.

"I wanted to talk to you."

"I hope it's an apology." Lucas replied quickly.

Eliott frowned, waving his head a little backwards. "What? Why?"

"For not going to class today."

"I told Imane." The older boy defended himself, but Lucas didn't change his stance.

The blue-eyed boy didn't stop seeing him as he settled. "Yes, I know."

Both were silent for a few minutes until everything in Eliott's head started to make a little sense. Squinting his eyes while still seeing Lucas, he began to deny with a small smile on his lips.

"What?" The boy asked a little irritated by his attitude.

"You're not upset because I didn't go, you're upset because I told Imane." Eliott replied without being able to help make his smile bigger and bigger. "Are you jealous of Imane?"

Lucas released a snort in response to Eliott's assumptions. "Of course not, she is happily married to Sofiane."

Then he understood why Lucas was upset with him but something inside him told him that Lucas would say nothing so he preferred to let the subject die right there, and apparently Lucas understood it too.

"What did you want to talk to me about?" The young boy walked the short way from the door to the desk sitting on the east bank.

Eliott wet his lips before jumping into the water right there. "I wanted to ask you if you were busy on Sunday."

"Perhaps," said Lucas with a slightly suspicious look "why doubt?"

_This little shit._ Eliott bit his lip and got out of bed walking to where Lucas was less than a metre away from him.

"Because I was thinking we could go out." Lucas raised one of his eyebrows telling him to keep talking. "Going to eat, go around some places, talk, spend a little time together, I don't know, get to know each other more."

Lucas let out a short laugh and under his eyes before coming back up and meeting Eliott's eyes. "Like a date? Are you inviting me on a date?" The arrogant smile gradually appeared on his face, Eliott did not know if he wanted to kiss that same smile or send him to fuck off just for the pleasure of knowing what he would do but he decided to do something else.

"Yes, we could call him that if you want." It was true what he had told him, he wanted to be able to know him a little better, to know more about Lucas' life, and that these last days almost didn't spend much time together for the works they were both doing, the classes and exams getting closer and closer.

Lucas passed his arms over Eliott's shoulders hugging his neck, and drew him to him, making the distance between them disappear. Eliott's stomach took a surprise turn and bent over catching Lucas' lips with his own.

The young boy broke up the kiss. "Where are you taking me?"

Eliott under his lips following the path of Lucas' neck, dropping small kisses. "It's a surprise."

A small laugh came out of the bottom of Lucas' throat that was interrupted by a gasp when Eliott bit the lower part of his ear. "I hate surprises."

The older boy sucked his lobe down to the back of Lucas' thighs, causing him to hug Eliott's waist with his legs. Their bodies were only separated by the clothes.

"Is that a yes?" He asked him by kissing the boy's jaw.

"Mh, yes." It was all Lucas could answer before Eliott bumped their lips back together, and with the young boy in his arms he began directing them to where he sat while waiting. "No, no, Yann's going to kill me if I use his bed." Lucas said without separating his lips.

Eliott changed direction and laid Lucas on his back dropping on top of him.

  
  


* * *

  
  


The days passed very slow for Eliott. He and Lucas hadn't seen each other much after Tuesday afternoon, except for the meal hours they sometimes shared with their groups of friends and texting. But on the day finally arrived, on Sunday at noon they gathered outside boarding school to take a taxi. Lucas showed up a few minutes after Eliott. The older boy was quite nervous, everything felt very new with Lucas as if suddenly he was twelve years old again and feeling what it's like to be in love.

"Are you going to tell me where you're going to take me?" That was the first thing Lucas told him when he saw him.

"I told you it's a surprise." And Lucas rolled his eyes in response with a little smile on his lips.

All the way they were quiet enjoying the trip, the company of the other, from time to time seeing the streets of Paris and sharing some other smile. The boarding school was about an hour from Paris, in a secluded area full of residences with an extensive field. It was nice to go back to civilization, as Basile said.

Arriving at their destination, Eliott's heart was beating so fast. Lucas raised his eyebrow by throwing a question at his face, there was a great expression of surprise and curiosity on his face. It was already a custom of them to speak through looks and gestures. Eliott shrugged, waving his head instructing him to follow him. It was a slightly old building that, at another time, was white but now the walls were gray, on the first level there were two huge glass windows, and a green door. The place had a small sign with the name, the letters were a little worn out over the years but you could still read a little. The place was quite crowded to be on a Sunday lunchtime, the tables were occupied by families, couples, some groups of friends. Eliott missed that place so much, the smell of cupcakes, the wooden walls full of photographs, the red tables, the armchairs of the same color, the large windows that allowed a good view to the outside, the background music. This was all part of him. They took their seats at one of the unoccupied tables until the end of the restaurant.

"I've never seen this place before." Lucas told him without seeing everywhere without erasing that expression of astonishment on his face.

"It's not in the top five places to eat in Paris." Eliott replied without stopping to see him. A sense of relief settled on his chest, Lucas was liking it.

"No, definitely not, it's a little old, isn't it?" 

Eliott nodded letting him know he was right. "Yes, my mother spent a lot of time here when she was in college. Even at the time it was old but it kept up because of the good food."

"Did your mom show you this place?"

Eliott nodded again. "She and I used to come to eat here very often. We'd sit at the table over there." He pointed with his index finger and Lucas turned to see the place. "She told me about her life in college, her studies, her friends, how she met my father in one of her psychology classes and he lent her the only pen he had and then at the end of class he asked her to go out together, how she discovered this place once by accident once it was raining very hard and how she fell in love with the cheese pie... But I haven't been here again in years."

Lucas laughed at the sight of Eliott's twinkle in his eyes when he talked about those things. At that time came the waitress, a woman over thirty, who had her hair fastened with a tight ponytail.

"Are you ready to order?" The woman asked them holding the notebook with one hand and with the other the pen resting on the sheet ready to take note.

"A vegetarian burger with some French fries with cheese and an iced tea, please." Eliott ordered, the waitress wrote down everything nodding slowly.

"Medium or large?"

"Medium with ice." Eliott didn't need to see the menu, he had memorized it already after so many years and despite the time it had spent, the food did not change at all.

The waitress turned to Lucas now, the boy was watching the menu while he bit his lower lip with a frown in concentration.

"The same thing only the burger might not be vegetarian and a soda, coke, medium, please."

The waitress finished scoring everything. "Okay then it's two orders of French fries with cheese, a veggie burger and a normal one, two medium drinks, one soda and one iced tea, is it?"

"Yes, that's right, thank you." Eliott told her by handing her the menus.

The waitress smiled thank him. "In about twenty minutes your meal will be ready."

"Did your parents study together?" Lucas asked, tilting his body forward with interest.

"Yes, they're both teachers. My father teaches chemistry and physics, my mother is literature and language."

"Wow, everyone in your family is teachers, and what do you plan to do when you're done high school?"

Eliott smiled a little bit biting his lower lip. "Guess."

Lucas shook his head without being able to believe it. "It's not possible, " Eliott nodded still smiling. "Of what?"

"Art."

"But why? You're a good artist, Eliott, you could do so many things with your talent."

The older boy shrugged while seeing Lucas in the eye. "I know, and I will. I want to remain an artist, go to arts school and probably in some future expose my creations but I would much more focus on teaching. Helping many others develop their creative part makes others get excited every time they take a brush and makes others feel what I feel every time I draw something."

"And do your father agree with that?"

"Yes, they have always supported me with the decisions I made."

A small smile appeared on Lucas' face, and Eliott was so eager to hold his hand but stopped before he could get that far. "What about you? You haven't told me what you plan to make of your life after boarding school."

Lucas' eyes shone a little, and his sad smile was replaced by a different one. His eyes came down to his hands. "I want to study Biochemistry."

Eliott opened his mouth in surprise just like his eyes and then laughed. "You're joking, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Lucas Lallement trapped in a lab, it's impossible."

Lucas' face was somewhat offended by the comment. "Why?"

"Come on, Lucas, you always complain about your lab classes because of the smell of chemicals."

"That's different, not all my life I'm going to have to put up with the smell of pyridine and Mrs. Allart's perfume."

Eliott laughed low again denying with his head. "If you don't get another Lady Allart in college."

Lucas shook his head quickly a couple of times before saying. "I'd rather drink Benzene before that happens." Eliott laughed again at the turn of Lucas's scared face.

They were sitting there for two hours talking while they ate. Eliott was the one who spoke the most and Lucas listened and asked more curiously, from time to time Lucas would release some comment but nothing from his family or his life before boarding school. Lucas told the boy a little more about his friends, how he met Arthur when he came to school and how everyone took a sign language course so he could communicate better with Arthur and make his friend feel more comfortable. How he met Emma and Yann from a young age, how he had to split in two when they broke up their relationship, how the first years with Emma she had forced him to leave his hair a little long just so that she could play with his hair and how Emma cried when Lucas was forced to cut his hair off, how he met Alexia and how difficult it was for her to accept her sexuality, and it was at that moment that Eliott decided it was time.

Lucas was taking the last bite of his piece of cheese pie, that Eliott couldn't let him go without trying that wonder.

"Lucas."

The young boy cleans the corners of his lips with his fingers. "Yes?"

"There's something I haven't told you." The boy remained silent waiting for him to continue. "There's a reason I haven't come to eat here for three years..." Eliott tried to grab all the strength and bravery of his body. "The last time my mother and I were sitting at that table, she and I had a very bad discussion. Well, I argued and misbehaved with her. And that day was just the biting point, the beginning of something much worse because, Lucas, I'm bipolar."

Eliott could first see the surprise, then the confusion and finally the sadness that flooded Lucas' face in a matter of seconds. The bluish-eyed boy under his gaze to his coffee that by that time there was nothing, he had to admit that coffee there was not the best, but likewise Lucas had drunk everything as without ever showing displeasure. Eliott's heart was beating loudly, the silence inside them was getting heavier as the sound of the dishes and the music filled it. There were not many people left in the restaurant, less than half, but it still felt like there was no one but the two of them, Lucas concentrated and Eliott waiting for an answer. A small knot began to form at the bottom of his throat when Lucas looked up and saw him.

"How long?"

"When I was fifteen. I honestly wish I was diagnosed much earlier, it would have saved me and my family a lot of pain, but it was until that age that I had my first episode. But I always felt different, I felt that I had no power over my mind, about what I thought or the things I did or said, and I started using drugs and alcohol when I was thirteen, the doctor assumed that it made my situation worse and moved forward with the passage of the time, at fifteen I was wasted. All I did was go to partying, drinking, smoking, everything to try to shut up a little bit everything that was here," he pointed to his head "trying to have some _"control"_ over myself for at least a few hours and when I had my first episode it was bad."

Lucas was watching him very carefully, his two hands resting on his table waiting for Eliott to keep talking.

"I hadn't been home for a long time, I slept at school kids, sometimes I stayed with my ex when his parents were gone. My parents didn't bother at first but then it was two weeks and I didn't come back, sometimes I'd just come in, bathe, sleep and go out again, we didn't talk much. I didn't know what was going on with me it was like I moved in this automatic, at one point I was happy and the second someone spoke to me I felt a huge irritation inside me, locked me up and never came out again or hiding behind the alcohol. My mother called me that day in the morning and asked me to go to lunch. I felt good, I told her we'd meet here. I'd been up all night with Lucille, my ex, and fell asleep. Lucille and I argued, I don't even remember why, sure for something I did and I'm late for the date with my mom and she wasn't mad at me, on the contrary, she looked very worried about me but I was upset. I was upset with her because she wasn't mad at me. Everything was a mess inside my head, my thoughts and feelings didn't have an order, and I don't know, from one moment to the next I was fighting with her. She tried so hard to calm down and that just made me more infuriated." Eliott let out a exhausted sigh. "I yelled at her very badly, Lucas, I said things I didn't want, that I didn't feel, hurt her a lot. The way she saw me, I'm never going to forget it. I ran out of here and had nowhere to go, spend the whole afternoon and part of the night on the street. And then I did something stupid. I went to find the brother of a boy who was studying with me and bought him as much marijuana as I could."

Eliott wet his lips again and lowered his eyes to his hands that were forming a fist on the table. Lucas's hand slid over his, causing his fists to melt and he stroked the sides of Eliott's wrists with the tip of his thumb.

"The boy left me in the hospital and they managed to save my life. I was encouraged to be hospitalized and that's when I was diagnosed with bipolarity disorder and suicide attempt, but the latter is not true. I didn't want to end my life, I just felt tired of everything, I hadn't slept very well in days, my dreams were choppy, I just wanted to rest."

"What about the drug boy?" Lucas asked by moving his eyes all over Eliott's face inspecting carefully.

"What about him?"

"Did you report it?"

Eliott frowned in denial. "No, of course not."

"Eliott, he sold drugs to a minor and then dumped him in the hospital." Lucas replied, looking a little furious. He was a little surprised, of everything he told the boy, was Lucas surprised by that?

"I know, but I'd already hurt my parents a lot and I didn't want to get them into any more trouble. Enough they had with the police wanting to take me out of their custody, they fought a lot because that didn't happen."

Both remained silent again until Eliott spoke again.

"Sorry because I didn't tell you before, I'm sorry to say it now and destroy this."

Lucas slowly denied without letting go Eliott's hand. "Enough, Leo, you didn't do anything wrong."

"I wanted to tell you the truth because there are going to be times when I act weird, that I do reckless things, say hurtful things or other times that I don't want to leave my room or talk to you or anyone else. It's not because you've done something wrong, Lucas, it's because there's something wrong with me."

The young boy began to deny again holding Eliott's hand tightly. "No, don't say that, Eliott." Lucas swallowed saliva and bit his lower lip trying to look for the words. "There's nothing wrong with you, listen, everything that happens here," he said, pointing his own head as Eliott had done a few minutes ago "it's not your fault. And we all make mistakes, we all say things that we don't feel, we scream, we do stupid things, we get angry, we shout euphoria for no reason, everyone, me, everyone here in this place, nobody is perfect... You're not perfect, no matter how much your ego hurts, "Eliott couldn't help but roll his eyes and Lucas smiled a little so "the perfect doesn't exist and you're not, and it's not because of your bipolarity. You may have to fight something much stronger and different than many here but that doesn't make you a worse person."

He nodded, meeting Lucas' blue eyes, there was something bright about them that made him feel better. "Perhaps somewhere else there is a less sick Eliott."

Lucas smiled sideways nodding. "Maybe so, but what happened to that Eliott who didn't want to erase the bad things that happened to him? I like that Eliott, he's very brave."

_I like that Eliott._

The little knot that was in his throat all that time began to disappear, his desire to be able to kiss Lucas suddenly increased. And as if Lucas had read his mind, he looked away as his hands leave him and he outstretched them on the table. 

"I have another surprise for you, and I think you're going to like this one."

The last trip before returning to boarding school went to the movies. Lucas said exactly what Eliott imagined he would say, "This must be the most cliché date of all." And it was, he had chosen a rather ridiculous, romantic and comical film that he knew Lucas wouldn't see because both will be too busy kissing, and so it was, they didn't separate his lips after the first twenty minutes of the film until the end. It was just the two of them and four other people in front of them, they tried their best not to disturb but from time to time Lucas would release some small low sound that Eliott managed to capture with his lips. The older boy regretted it so much at the time, they must have skipped this whole part and went straight to give his body and Lucas's what they were asking for. The date ended soon, suddenly they were in the taxi on their way to boarding school before curfew, at six o'clock in the afternoon, and then in the blink of an eye they were going up the stairs to their rooms. The corridor of the last level was empty but the sounds of the voices coming from the rooms made the place feel less alone.

"I suppose I'll see you later." Eliott told him.

Lucas nodded raising his wrist pretending to see the clock. "In two hours, at dinner time."

"I can't believe you're still hungry."

"Sorry to have such a big appetite."

Eliott laughed biting his lower lip which was still a little sensitive. "I know, I know that appetite."

Lucas slammed his arm rolling his eyes. "Then I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast."

"As usual."

Eliott began walking to his room when Lucas quickly took his hand and tiptoed up planting a short kiss on his lips before separating and letting him go. "Thank you, thank you for today."

Eliott felt that at any moment his face was going to disappear from so much smiling. "No, thanks to you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary of the warning: Eliott invites Lucas on a date so he can get to know him better, taking him to one of his favorite places that reminds him of his childhood at the longest of his teenage years but hasn't visited for years. At some point in the meal Eliott talks to Lucas about why he hasn't been to that restaurant in a long time. He and his mother had a fight there, because Eliott was having an episode but neither he nor his family knew. Eliott tells Lucas about his bipolarity, excessive drug use and alchohol from an early age. And how that same day he overdosed, but he didn't want to die. And how in the end he was diagnosed with the disorder. Lucas tries to comfort him and let him know that there is nothing wrong with him, at all times, Lucas holds his hand.
> 
> This is seriously one of the chapters that I had a little harder to write, not because I didn't have time but because I wanted to do it right, and as always thank you for each of your comments and kudos. See you next weekend!


	7. Chapter 7

From one moment to the next December began to appear in front of all of them. The days were shorter and the nights longer, in the morning a weak sun came out and the air was blowing louder and the temperatures dropped when the moon was in the sky, it was almost impossible to leave the building without wearing only a coat, it was not enough. Christmas was approaching, it was almost around the corner just like the semester exams, which meant that all the students were running back and forth, delivering assignments, meeting in study groups, biting their nails to understand topics that weeks ago their teachers taught in class. Eliott on the other hand tried to advance all the homework he had to deliver to have more time to study and review the subjects of his exams, perhaps he also did so in the hope that he and Lucas could share a little longer but the young boy told him it was not possible. That he had to catch up on a lot of things and that being together he wouldn't do anything. So Eliott spent those two weeks watching Lucas from afar, in the dining room and in classes with Imane.

Suddenly they would send themselves a message at night, before the dream beat either of them, and not only Lucas texted to him but also Ingrid. But Eliott almost never answered her and when he did he let a lot of time go by. And he didn't want to have any contact with her. He didn't want Lucas to feel uncomfortable and after the little debate he had with Manon in front of Ingrid, the girl had been somewhat disappointed and also angry, perhaps with Manon or Eliott, perhaps both. The older boy didn't care about that, he just turned over the homework that didn't take him long to finish after that day and he forget, he had some more important things to focus on. He had to keep his grades if he wanted to go to a good college and also be able to take his final exam to graduate.

"Today they came to install the sofa bed, it is not as biiiiiiiggg as you would like but it is quite comfortable." His mom explained it from the other side of his cell phone.

"It’s okay, mom, I've gotten used to sleeping in small spaces."

His mother let out a laugh and Eliott was sure she had moved her cell phone away so it wouldn't sound that close.

"Well, this apartment is smaller than you think, honey, but you'll like it has a breathtaking view."

The boy nodded while still looking up at the ceiling. He would spend the end-of-year party with his parents in the United States, it was the first time Eliott had traveled out of Europe and was a little nervous but also excited to see his parents again after all this time.

He had been planning with his parents his arrival in America for a month when his parents told him that it would be best for him to visit them in his small apartment.

"I can't wait to see you." His mother replied with a low tone and somewhat sad.

Eliott sighed, turning in his bed lying on his side. "Me too but it's not long now, in three days you'll see me."

"I know, your father kept talking about the places you could go when you get here. You'll like this city, it just started snowing." Eliott smiled as he finally imagined fulfilling one of his dreams. "Tomorrow is your last test?"

"Yes, after that this torture is over."

"Eliott, you're very smart, everything will be fine." His mother kept quiet for a long time until he spoke again. "How have you been?"

Eliott knew what his mother meant by that question. "Normal, I've taken my pills and nothing has changed... and dad?"

His mom let out an exaggerated snort that made him smile more. "Sleeping, he wanted to talk to you but he's been so busy these days and he looked very tired that I sent him to sleep."

"Did he not protest?"

"Not miraculously, he was very tired." Yes, it was a miracle.

"You should go to sleep too, it's late."

"Yes, I will. I love you very much, Eliott, don't forget."

"I love you too, could you tell dad I'm going to message him later?”

His mother was surely smiling at the tone in which she said, “But message him soon, if you don't want him to be bothering me for the next twenty-four hours." Eliott rolled his eyes knowing that was true.

  
  
  
  


It was just after his last exam that Eliott received a message from Lucas.

_Are you going tomorrow?_

And Eliott decided to play with him a little bit.

_To what?_

_How what? To the party._

_Which?_

_Eliott, stop tempting me. You know what party, Daphné has been talking about it for weeks._

_Oh yes, I don't know if I want to go._

_Daphné will kill._

_And that's why I have to go?_

_I–, I wouldn't want my boy to lose his life at such a young age._

My boy.

_And are you going?_

_What do you think? If I didn't, I wouldn't be asking you._

_So romantic._

_Then I'll see you there?_

_Yes, I'll sacrifice my Friday night for you._

_As you had something else to do._

_I'm a busy person, I have to pack my bags._

_Me too, and I don’t want to):_

_Do you want me to help you?_

_No, I'm just going to throw everything in the suitcase and wait for Yann to fix it._

_Cruel._

_It always works, one of the reasons Yann is my best friend._

_And what are the others?_

_..._

_Forget it, that's the only reason._

_I'm already in my room._

_Good._

Ugh how hard it is with him sometimes.

_Are you not coming?_

_No._

_Whyyyyy?_

_Because I need to sleep, and so do you._

_But we can sleep._

_No, I don't think so. I bet that's the last thing we're going to do, and we really both need to rest._

And he was right about that, Eliott wanted to rest after a long two weeks of exams but he also wanted to see Lucas after two long weeks without being together.

* * *

  
  


When Eliott opened his bedroom door he met Lucas at the entrance next to Basile and Yann, he was wearing a black trousers attached and a jeans-style shirt, his hair was somewhat groomed but still being messy as usual, his eyes were a lighter, brighter blue, his skin soft, his lips wide and thick. Lucas looked so handsome that night and Eliott had to resist the urge to hold him in his arms right there and lock themselves in the room, no matter who they saw them, no matter if Daphné would be mad at either of them, Eliott just wanted to spend the last night with Lucas before the new year-end vacation. He didn't want to think that they would be away for two weeks, away from each other, not meters away but miles away, on another continent. But he formed a small fist in his hand holding it next to his body and bit his lower lip while still seeing Lucas. The young boy understood very well what he was doing, and from the smile on his lips, Eliott could see that he was enjoying it.

_You're so impossible, Lucas Lallement._ Eliott thought.

Basile saw himself and then saw Eliott again a couple of times. "Great, now I'm going to have to change." The boy denied returning to his room. "It's a party, not a fashion catwalk!"

Eliott frowning watching his two friends enter his room leaving the door open.

"What? I'm dressed normal." He told Lucas, who was still standing in the same place, and was denying his head rolling his eyes.

"Don't you want to come in?" Eliott suggested him wetting his lips.

The young boy shook his head, giving him a cheeky smile while stopping walking back. The hallway was somewhat desolate as everyone had decided to go to the lake house party, which was not so far from boarding school, which meant that if they skipped all that they would have almost the whole third floor for the two of them alone if the second and first year olds had also attended. But again, Lucas knew what his plan was and apparently he did want to attend. 

And yes there were many students, the house was exploding not only for the students but by the music that was at full volume, surely it would be heard even through the principal's house, the bottles of alcohol were passed from mouth to mouth and the cigars flooded the place with smoke making it impossible to breathe, increasing the heat of the place, people were on the dance floor moving their bodies back and forth to the rhythm of the song. _We've come a long way since that day and we will never look back, at the faded silhouette._ Eliott felt his heartbeat increasing in speed trying to follow the beat of the voice that sounded everywhere. _Straight ahead on the path we have before us day by day, soon the change will come._ Even outside the house, around the lake, on the pier, in the woods he could see some kids drinking, smoking or kissing. _We are the newborn, the world knew all about us we are the future and we're here to stay._

And his friend gave him a red glass and without asking what it was and he just drank it. Eliott had decided he wanted to drink, not getting drunk, but enough to be able to spend tonight without having to worry too much about tomorrow. _We've come a long way since that day we've come a long way since that day and we will never look back, at the faded silhouette._ The fluid ran down his throat giving him a warm sensation through all his lungs and stomach. Lucas, who stood next to him sitting on the railing of the porch, had his hands on the sides of his mouth lighting a cigar that he then spread to Eliott, who denied moving his glass in front of him.

"I don't smoke, I just drink."

Lucas took another puff of his cigar. "And I don't drink, I just smoke."

"Wow, have you never had a drink?" Eliott asked him standing in front of him to see him better.

Lucas nodded, moving his cigar between his fingers. "Yes, I've drunk but I've never been a big fan of the smell, or taste, or how it makes me feel." Eliott under his gaze to his glass of alcohol thinking that maybe it is not such a good idea, tomorrow he should take a plane. "But it doesn't bother me that others drink."

"They still make a mess with my meds."

Lucas nodded giving Eliott a reassuring smile. "Yes, but isn't that what you want? Drink? I promise," said Lucas as he raised the palm of his hand up at the height of his chest "that I will take care of you. I'm not going to let you get into that lake naked."

Eliott let out a laugh, causing his head to rise up and his back to fall a little backwards. "You don't know what I'm like when I'm drunk.

"I can imagine, you're one of those guys who start talking a thousand an hour and shake around the dance floor. Oh and let me guess, you start kissing a lot of people."

Eliott opened his mouth in surprise, okay, maybe he was a bit like that when he went over drinks.

"You're a social drunk and affectionate. Am I wrong?"

"I don't kiss everyone, just my friends."

Lucas’ smile expanded upon hearing Eliott assert his theory and leaned forward so that the boy would hear him better above the music.

"So you're not one to kiss three and end up in bed with some stranger?"

"Never. First, when I kiss I like to focus on one person and give that person what want, and second, I never go to bed with strangers"

Eliott kept quiet waiting to leave the sentence in half but Lucas' eyebrow was telling him that he knew there was more there, Eliott sighing by giving up "because we never got to bed."

Lucas's mouth opened in surprise before he spoke. "I'm really surprised, I didn't think Eliott Demaury was the kind of guy that fuck in the bathroom of a party."

Eliott rolled his eyes and drank from his drink which gave him the same fiery sensation around his body. “They were just that, fuck, it wasn't like we were going to make love.”

"Make love?" Lucas repeated to what Eliott nodded.

"Yes."

"Leo, no one says: _make love,_ anymore.” Lucas told him by marking the words in quotes with his fingers. "No one asks for someone to be their boyfriend anymore, no one is kept for marriage anymore, no one is updating their current status because no one is in a relationship, and no one definitely claims to make love anymore."

"That's silly. There are people who are in relationships and there are people who seek more than sex, and yes there are people who make love."

"Those people stayed in bygone times. Old people like you."

“Oh, fuck you.” 

“Yeah?” Lucas answered by raising his eyebrow. 

Eliott ignored him by denying with his head. "Wouldn't you like to do it sometime?" Eliott asked what Lucas left his cigar halfway through. The boy was going to answer before Eliott felt arms around his body like the last time he was there a few months ago.

"What are you doing out here?" Emma asked them with a pout on her face as she stroked her arms trying to warm up. "It's very cold."

"I'd rather die of cold than hot." Lucas replied by taking the last puff of his cigar before crushing it against the wooden railing. "It looks like hell in there."

Emma raised her eyebrows at the same time as a small smile got bigger and bigger. "If hell has guys, music and alcohol then we should all go." And then she pointed to Lucas. "You already have a place there."

Lucas raised his middle finger and Emma pulled out his tongue, then turned to Eliott by holding his hand. "Come on, you need to dance." She began to push Eliott to the door of the house where several people came in and out at the same time.

Eliott quietly denied with his head giving Emma a pleading look not to force him to go in there. He wanted to stay with Lucas out there, talking, drinking, smoking, spending a little time together, doing their little act of presence and then leaving together. On the other side Lucas let out a laugh as he saw the scene that both of his friends were riding in front of him.

Emma stopped dry biting her lip. "And Daphné is looking for you." The girl told Eliott.

Eliott dropped his shoulders in surrender. "Oh no, tell her you didn't see me."

The blonde girl had been telling him a few days ago that some girls who wanted to meet him and that maybe some of them were going to help him "overcome" that "relationship" he had with his mysterious "girl." Many assumptions in the same sentence and all far from the reality of the situation.

"I won't tell her if you dance with me." Emma proposes it and moves her eyebrows up and down in a flirty way, which makes Eliott let go of a little laugh and let go with her.

Eliott turned his head to see Lucas for the last time before getting lost inside, among people, music, lights, alcohol and cigar smoke and marijuana. The young boy was smiling at him and then Lucas winked.

Eliott was dancing so it could have been hours. His body kept moving following the notes of the song. _You don't have to be alone, I love to see you smiling why you try to hide it?_ It seemed that everything within him had taken his own life, his hands, his feet, his hip, his head, passed his hands through his hair from time to time closing his eyes, feeling every note within him, his heart beating loud and high, at full speed. _I know when you're gone you're just looking for a little sign of love._ His eyes were not focused on anything and specific, in front of him there were only colors, bodies, body and more body hitting and moving it like big waves. Occasionally he would hold someone's hand or someone else would take him by making some movement in his body. _I said hey won't you come with me? I said hey, hey._ He couldn't remember how much he had drunk, only that Emma would come and go back with a glass and then go and go back to another. He didn't feel completely dizzy or bad, on the contrary, he felt so alive. Like his whole body just woke up after a long nap and that was the first time he walked and went out into the outside world. He was so happy. So full. It's been a long time since he experienced something like that and he'd really missed it.

_I said hey, hey, hey, won't you stay with me? I said hey, hey._ One hand rested on his wrist and went up his arm to reach his shoulder and bent him forward. Eliott was able to distinguish a known smell, soft but strong at the same time, it was Lucas who was speaking in his ear to make himself heard among the crowd and music at full volume.

"You're having fun." The boy told him with a funny tone in his voice. Eliott had to control his desire to hug Lucas' waist and stick it to him, although he could, there were so many people around him and most were in the same state as him. Lost in their thoughts. But instead he leaned more toward Lucas leaving a little kiss on the back of his ear, to which the boy walked away from him biting his lower lip. 

"I think you've had a lot to drink." _All you're looking for is a little sign of love._

Eliott refused taking Lucas' shirt down the bottom forming a small fist in it. Lucas kept biting his lower lip as he walked through Eliott's face memorizing each of his details. The colors of the lights made his face drawn differently, highlighting small details, half of his face hidden in the darkness and the other, his eyes, a strong, powerful blue that at any time could destroy him but also save him. And his lips.

Damn it, they had to get out of there if he didn't want to do something stupid.

Eliott took Lucas' hand and began to drag him behind him trying to make his way among all the people, above the music, he could still hear the laughter of the boy behind him as he followed him from behind. When they were arriving through the door Eliott recognized Daphné outside, on the stairs of the porch, she had her arm around Basile's neck and was talking to two other girls in front of her. He recalled that his friend was looking for him all night and he, as he could, he was avoiding her all that time. At that time he began to play one of the most popular songs of the year: " _Just one last time_ ", and that Eliott liked very much, even when it was not his style.

The older boy without letting go of the young man's hand, turned the other way looking for another place they could go out, Lucas was still laughing when out loud: "But if the bathroom is over there." Eliott ignored him while pushing him down a corridor that took them to a room at the end of the house, the place was full of people but among that crowd he found a window facing the outside. The window was open halfway, he pushed up trying to make as much space as possible so that they could both go out there. And then he pulled out his head to measure the distance, there were no more than seven feet away between the window and the floor, surely he could touch the floor without doing much damage.

"But– why?" Lucas asked him with his eyes open in surprise waiting for an answer from Eliott but he only smiled complicity at him and grazed his hand for the last time before beginning to come down the window, pulled out his leg and held himself from the window frame as he pulled out his other hand, and when he stretched out as much as he could, he jumped. His feet touched the floor and he wobbly a little but managed to recover quickly.

Eliott raised his head upwards and found Lucas' feet hanging out trying to hold on to something, half of his body still inside, Eliott had to bite his tongue so as not to laugh at the image in front of him.

"Shit." Lucas was complaining as he tried to push himself up and return inside the house.

Eliott approached trying to take Lucas' feet. "Come on, Lu, stop moving your feet." The boy let go of what appeared to be a grunt of complaint. "Jump, I'll get you." And then another growl along with a curse.

And from one moment to the next Eliott felt his back falling and his body was stamped against the grass and then another weight on him was crushing him completely. He let out a complaint while coughing trying to get the air back, it was as if his lungs had been crushed by a concrete block. The weight on him moved and suddenly two hands were holding his face.

"Are you all right? Don't I hurt you?" Lucas asked him with his nervous voice as he moved Eliott's head from side to side trying to get the big boy to open his eyes. Eliott found Lucas' worried face.

"You could have warned." It was all Eliott could answer when he regained his breath, the young boy dropped Eliott’s head and his face of concern was replaced by an angry one.

"Yes, well, sorry because I don't measure more than seven feet." The boy replied sarcastically. "Why do we go out there anyway?" Lucas got up shaking up a little dirt that stuck to his clothes and then extended a hand to help Eliott, who gladly accepted him.

"Daphné was in the driveway and I can swear you won't like her seeing me."

Lucas move his head a little to the right where the entrance to the small house was, and nodded letting Eliott know he understood.

"Then let's go."

Lucas began walking in the opposite direction to the entrance of the house where the lake was located and the pier, instead, was heading to the part of the forest that Eliott had never gone before. 

"Quiet, Leo, nothing is going to happen in the woods." Eliott caught up with him and walked to his side trying to keep up with him and not stumble upon anything. Now that he was out he felt a little more dizzy than before, the alcohol after what could have been hours, was finally emerging effect inside his body.

"Do you know this path?"

"Yes, it's not such a big forest and it's not that easy to get lost. We're just going to go around the house and get to the bedrooms." 

If Eliott was honest, he thought it was quite easy to get lost, all the trees were the same, the plants, the roads, everything, even the sounds of some animals like that of some squirrel were the same. But it was normal for Lucas to know everything there, he had been living in boarding school for years.

"Is this where you run?" Eliott asked him as he continued to watch where he stepped carefully.

"Sometimes when I want to do a long run but it's usually from residence to lake and lake to residence. The other time I came here, I almost broke my head."

Eliott stopped dry, which caused Lucas to stop and turn to see him.

The boy was smiling loudly as he stretched out his hand pulling Eliott to keep walking. "Now I know the place better." The young boy said with false confidence. Eliott laughed and tried to hold Lucas' hand but the boy freezes when he hears a sound coming behind him.

"Wow, wow, what brings us tonight." Eliott had heard that voice before and sometimes in class when the teacher randomly asked some students. "What are you doing here, Lucas?"

The young boy was no longer smiling, there was not a trace of happiness on his face just something other than he ever saw in Lucas before. The boy had a tight jaw. Eliott turned his body meeting Charles' big figure.

"I didn't know this land belonged to you."

"What are you doing here?" Charles ignored Lucas’ response and advanced a little further toward them or rather Lucas, Eliott was not sure Charles had paid attention to his presence. 

"What do you want?"

Lucas released a snort that sounded louder than necessary. "Stop behaving like an idiot, not everything revolves around you."

The boy's knuckles were turning white in his fist that he kept on the sides of his body. "What did you call me?" He asked with the tight jaw.

Eliott opened his mouth to say something to Lucas, but he talked earlier. "Oh, didn't you hear it right? An idiot."

Eliott felt he was missing a large part of the story at the time. Maybe it was alcohol, actually, but he didn't understand where it came from so much anger from both boys. It was as if they had been wanting to attack each other for a long time and jumped the whole part of the previous part and went straight to the fight. Lucas’ words sounded bitter and harsh and Charles's voice sounded rough and heavy.

"I swear to you..." Charles began to say by raising his menacing index finger toward Lucas.

"What?" Lucas interrupted him as he approached Charles by cutting the distance between the two. "Are you going to hit me or are you not doing it with men?"

"You don't know what you're getting into." His face was on fire. And if the eyes of a person could kill, Charles's eyes would have already pierced Lucas' skull long ago but the young boy didn't seem to care. Even the difference in stature, Lucas looked great even of the same size as the major. His back was straight, his chin raised, everything in him gave off something new, something strong, violent, that was making Eliott feel a little nervous.

"Right? Then why don't you show me, go, show me."

Everything passed too fast before Eliott's eyes. Charles's hands took Lucas' shirt in a fist approaching him, then two hands trying to separate them both, pushing them into furious screams. Eliott moved his feet as fast as he could and positioned himself behind Lucas trying to push him back but his whole body had turned of stone, his feet planted on the ground, it seems that he already decided to stay there and not move.

"Enough! Enough Lucas!" It was screaming at a agitated voice trying to catch her breath. Manon, she was in the middle of both, but her angry eyes were on her way to the young boy. "That's enough!"

"Leave it, Manon." Lucas replied without taking off his threatening eyes on Charles's who had loosened the boy's shirt and his chest was going up and down violently. Eliott pushed his shoulder and Lucas took a few steps back.

Manon had her cheeks on, bit her lower lip a moment before speaking, her voice rang pretty loud and clear when he marked each of the words. "I warned you and I don't make promises in vain. You're going to regret it, Lucas."

"No," the boy replied by turning to his gaze to his step-sister for the first time since she arrived "you're going to regret it."

And Lucas began to retreat until he was far enough away from Charles, and advanced quickly through the woods. Eliott didn't even have time to do anything but follow him, trying to reach him, to get to him, to stop him, to talk to him, to talk to him, to God! Whatever he should do after that! Suddenly he felt quite sober, lucid, his senses were back as before. The party, his moment the track, their flirtations, all that seemed to have been a thousand years ago, his mind had erased everything and the only thing he could remember all that night were those two? Five? Ten? Twenty minutes? with Charles.

All that tension, Charles's grave voice, Lucas's wild body ready to fight, Manon's hateful look.

Lucas was advancing faster and faster in front of him. He was stepping up the stairs going up to the third floor and Eliott ran after him trying to say something to stop him. The young boy went to Eliott's room and opened the door entering it.

Eliott found Lucas sitting on the bed with his hands on his lap. His breathing was high and heavy, filling every space of the room concealing the silence between the two. He approached Lucas slowly kneeling in front of him and taking his hands among his own. 

"Hey, breathe slowly." Eliott told him in whispers trying to reassure him. Lucas was shaking and his eyes were stuck in his hands.

"Sorry." The young boy murmured. Eliott bit his lower lip tightly trying to calm his own nerves, and moved his hand up caressing Lucas' face, passing his thumb through the corners of Lucas' face. "I didn't want you to see that."

"What happened?" 

Lucas sighed raised his face and met Eliott's eyes. A peaceful blue color flooded them, despite the darkness around them, he could still see the glow in them. "My relationship with Charles is not the best."

There were so many questions in Eliott's head at the time. Is that what Lucas was like when he was angry or just Charles? That easy could you make Lucas mad or was it just Charles? Why did they hate each other? Was it for Manon? Did Charles do anything to Lucas? Lucas did anything to Charles? Eliott began to feel a little dizzy between so many questions, and as always, he would get no answer from the young boy.

Eliott nodded wet his lips. "But, Lucas, if you need to talk you can trust me."

"I know, and I really appreciate it, Eliott, but I don't think there's much to explain. He's an idiot, that's all." In his voice again the sound of displeasure and disgust he had when he had been talking to Charles and his hands began to form a fist to which Eliott slowly undone and gently caressed his arms. "Sorry to destroy your night."

He quickly denied smiling at Lucas weakly. "You didn't destroy anything, the night is still young, right?"

Lucas nodded as he leaned towards the older boy. He wrapped his neck with his arms and shook his head a little rubbing his lips with Eliott. He let out a little humming of happiness while embracing Lucas’ waist by pushing him more.

"Lucas?"

"Mh?" That's all the boy said as he kept moving his lips around his neck rubbing them.

"You can be honest with me."

Lucas separated a little from him by looking him in the eyes, his hair was a little messy, his cheeks had a pink tone that was not there before, his breathing was now slow and soft. He nodded by sticking his foreheads and closing his eyes. "I know, Leo, I'd just like to leave it at that for now."

Eliott fully understood. And that was enough for him to finish closing the distance between the two and stamped their lips on a kiss. Eliott got up from where he was without releasing Lucas and laid the boy on his back, leaving him on top. His lips kept moving a totally natural tune that they both already knew, their hands already knew where they were going to travel, what points he had to touch to make Lucas react, what things he could say drove the young boy crazy. Eliott could claim that in three months he knew his whole body, had memorized it as well as a map on which he would never get lost. His kisses were going down a path all over Lucas' neck, stopping from time to time to bite or suck some small piece of skin. Lucas had his hands in Eliott hair and his legs hugged his waist urgently. All they could hear in the room were his increasingly hectic breaths.

Eliott got up taking off his own dark jacket and then taking Lucas' shirt in his hands undoing him. "This off." Lucas got out of bed sitting down and began unbuttoning the older boy's belt while Eliott bit Lucas lower lip and opened his mouth making space for his tongue to enter. Lucas grunted weakly when Eliott made his way and began to explore Lucas’ mouth savagely, the war he was unleashing within them made it impossible to think of anything else. Eliott could feel his own excitement growing more and more inside his pants. After all this time he should be used to it but not yet, every time he was this way with Lucas was different. It was intense, it made him dizzy, it clouded his thoughts, and made him feel unique. That's the way it was always, an experience.

Eliott unbuttoned Lucas' shirt with the boy's help, and then separated from him helping the boy take off his shoes and dropping them somewhere in the room along with his own. "Those had to go too."

Lucas was lying with his head on the pillow, he nodded smiling at Eliott for his comment on how he was making the clothes disappear between them. Some tufts of hair fell on his forehead in a messy way hiding a little his face, his lips now of a more vivid red color, swollen as they kissed, looked so beautiful and so delicious. Eliott wanted to try it all night.

He left some small kisses at the entrance of Lucas' abdomen and around his chest, sucking occasionally, leaving red marks and then passing his tongue slowly letting the cold night air touch them. Lucas let go of some gasps while squeezing Eliott's shoulders every time the older boy lowered his hand to the inside of his crotch. And then he under Lucas' pants and he'll start directing his hands to the underside of his boxers. Lucas stopped him.

"Today is my turn." He told the boy almost breathlessly at the time he turned Eliott with his leg around him. Eliott laughed under Lucas' lips as he felt the boy's weight on his lap. Lucas took his lower lip between his teeth for a moment before moving away from him and began to pull down his pants leaving him, like him, in his underwear. 

A shiver ran all over his body. All the nerve endings were waking up and his lips, like his crotch, were tingling. His hands ran through Lucas' body from his hip through his belly to the sides of his body making the young boy release a sound of surprise and laughter.

"I didn't know you had tickles there." Eliott felt that at any moment his face was going to split in two for smiling so much. Lucas cast a menacing look at him before moving on top of him, rubbing them both, causing a groan to escape from the bottom of his throat.

"Yes, I'm tickled a lot and you don't want to take that road now."

Lucas took one of Eliott's nipples into his mouth and gently sucked it into the older boy's body, getting a little lifted when he felt the touch. Eliott bit his lower lip suppressing his desire to kiss Lucas at that moment and take it in his mouth. It was the first time the blue-eyed boy took over the situation, who did those things, played with him that way and was driving him crazy, God, how could he hold out a little longer?

Lucas was lowering his lips and coming down all over Eliott's body leaving traces of kissing and saliva from his skin. Eliott's whole body was burning, his stomach was spinning inside him, his hands were desperately trying to hold on to something while Lucas kept moving his tongue near the entrance of his boxers biting and rubbing his teeth against the boy's sensitive skin. Leaving marks all over his body.

"God, you're so _hot_ , you know?" Lucas told him as he reached the elastic of his boxers between his hand and lowered them. Releasing his dick that was red, wet, hard, thick and heavy on his abdomen. Eliott bit his lower lip while still seeing Lucas, who made his smile so much bigger when he saw him in the eyes, his eyes were cloudy, lost, dark of desire and lust that were flooding his body. Eliott stuck his legs on the mattress and his back rose in surprise when Lucas took him in his hands tightly. He was tougher than he had imagined. He was losing his mind at that instant. He closed his eyes and his hands headed to Lucas' hair the second he felt the boy kiss the tip of his dick. Another groan quickly came out of his body sending more heat waves around his body and causing his back to arch a little with that simple contact.

With the slightly fastened breath Eliott managed to say more than two words in the same sentence. "Fuck, don't–" and then Lucas took it in his mouth without warning, taking it by surprise, Eliott had to bite his lower lip avoiding sounding louder. The heat, Lucas' wet mouth around his dick, moving slowly from top to bottom enjoying each of his sensations. Eliott's chest was moving fast, he could hear his weak pulse in his ears, his hands tightly squeezed Lucas' hair. Christ, but sex had never been like this. Never. Why did he feel that at any moment his own soul would come out of his body?

Lucas kept sucking it, taking it, possessing it soft, slow, strong, fast, taking the time, doing it as if it were the last time. Eliott pushed his heels against the bed more while small drops of sweat fell from his forehead, the groans he was releasing, the gasps, the words half-say, he didn't know where they came from, he didn't know what he was saying, which way his head was head. Eliott was feeling it, in Lucas's hand on his balls moving up and down, in his mouth sucking the tip of his limb and then swallowing it, and in his other hand on his hip immobilizing him on the bed. Eliott felt it, it was so close. The heat in his belly, the heat tingling in his crotch, was almost coming.

"Lucas– I already–" And just then the boy stopped, taking him out of his mouth, leaving him alone altogether. Eliott couldn't help but let go of a groan of pain and complaint.

"Don't worry, you're not going to end up like this." Lucas rose up positioning himself on him with each of his knees on the sides of his hip, and he kiss him, it was a wild kiss. Eliott was not used to savoring himself but on Lucas' lips, the simple thought that he was inside Lucas somehow, that made him moan again by moving his hands all over Lucas's back down to the bottom, hugging his ass. Lucas also let out another gasp and parted ways with him looking at his night table what they both already knew very well.

Lucas pulled out the lubricant and condom. He opened the package with his mouth and took Eliott's cock back into his hands letting the condom go down all over its limb. The older boy wets his fingers with lubricant and as he could under his fingers touching Lucas' entrance. He let out a groan and lay his head on his collarbone, while Eliott kept sticking his fingers more, moving them, opening it more for him. He grazed Lucas prostate a couple of times, to which the boy responded with gasps.

"Already, I'm all right." The boy told him, to which Eliott gently came out of him.

And Lucas took it with one hand gently entering the tip and slowly lowering letting his weight fill him completely. Lucas was tight, much more than he had imagined but it was the warmth of his limb inside the boy that made him close his eyes and raise his head up a little. Lucas kept coming down until Eliott was inside, completely inside him, deep, filling every corner of his body, sending waves and waves of pleasure from the tip of his feet to those of his hands. Eliott bit his lower lip and Lucas held his hands on his chest trying to hold on. He hadn't even started moving and already felt it was going to end, he wasn't going to last any longer. Eliott opened his eyes and found the most spectacular image he had ever seen.

Lucas burning cheeks, his temples dropping a few drops of sweat, his shoulders going up and down along with his chest, his hands hugging heavily to Eliott chest, his body on him, his insides full of all him. His lower lip, his eyes closed and his head tilted a little back while his face concentrated with pleasure.

And he began to move slowly, letting himself in suddenly and full. Eliott stretched out his hand holding on to the corner of the bed clinging to the sheets.

"Why do you have to be so damn handsome?" Lucas asked now that he had his eyes open, and he was seeing him in the eye. Still moving, the boy kept talking to him. "You’re the most–" Another wave of pleasure interrupted him at the time Eliott groaned as he heard Lucas words. "Most thoughtful, funny, intelligent, warm person I've ever met."

He wanted to say something, answer him, tell him how beautiful he was, the wonderful person he made him feel but he didn't think he could say much, the ideas in his head mingled with each other while Lucas kept moving on top of him increasing his speed.

"The first time I saw you, I, I could only think of–" Another blow and Eliott knew where he had touched, his dick brushed Lucas' prostate causing him to arch his back and bite his lower lip while drowning out a cry of pleasure. "In your hands, your hands on me, your mouth on my body, and what it would feel..." His chest agitated trying to reach some air. _Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, what are you doing to me?_ "How it would feel to have you inside me."

Eliott couldn't help it, took Lucas' waist and lifted up a little, moved his hip, hitting the boy's prostate again and with it another scream filled the room. Lucas was making his move faster, more desperate, moving his hip, causing Eliott to squeeze his hand more on his hip and mattress harder. He was sure he'd leave some bruise right there, he's sure Lucas would see him later and think of him, them, on tonight.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Eliott– you are– a dream come true." He found Lucas eyes that were struggling hard to stay open like his and Eliott got up sitting a little and taking Lucas's hips in his hands moving at a pace contrary to him. Chasing his own orgasm, giving him all the pleasure Lucas could get. He was sending him to another world along with him. "The way others look at you– _uuuug_ – drives me crazy." Eliott closed his distance and kissed him hard and hastily, saliva, teeth, gasps, lips biting lips, the rhythm inside them was hasty. The mattress kept sounding low from them. Any minute now they'd end up on the floor. "And today, in that jacket I just wanted to rip off your jacket, take you away– let you do to me what you wanted." They both let go of another groan.

"Eliott..." Lucas told him in a supplicant tone and knew what he meant, he was already close, they were both about to arrive and reach his own liberation. Lucas's heavy, hot, wet erection kept moving at the pace of both rubbing his abs, but this time Eliott didn't take his dick into his hands, he wanted Lucas to let himself go like this, loud, suddenly, to feel all the pleasure of just the two of them. And Lucas understood him because he kept kissing him at the time he hugged his shoulders more to him and attracted him by pulling him by the hair. Eliott released another groan and raised his hands down Lucas' back touching his shoulder blades, letting his skin slip into the drops of sweat coming down his spine.

The rhythm was overwhelming, wild, full of agitation. "Baby." He groaned Eliott between his lips.

"Keep it up, call me that." Lucas begged him as he put their temples together. His whole body was shaking, he was so close, a little closer and he'll lose it. "That's what you called me the first time."

Eliott kissed the lower part of Lucas's ear while muttering him in a gasp. "I like you so much, baby."

Lucas screams with pleasure at the time and he contracts heavily inside Eliott's dick by sending another wave of pleasure strongly within him. Lucas lies his head on Eliott's shoulder, hiding his face in his neck and trembles under the boy's arms. A warmth and a dampness violently soaked his belly and Eliott didn't take long to follow Lucas. Eliott lets the pleasure take him away and a stream running down the tip of his fingers to the back of his neck, warming his spine and crotch tightly. Filling the condom around his dick. Eliott drops gently on the mattress without releasing Lucas from his arms. Sweat on the back of his neck, his back, his legs, the heat, rubs in the cold wind at night causing his temperature to drop slowly.

His body still moves through traces of his orgasm when Lucas let loose out of it and looking for something on the floor with which to clean it both. Eliott got rid of the condom and they both went back to bed. The young boy lay face down, letting his cheek rest on Eliott's shoulder. Still a little dizzy and tired, Eliott stroked Lucas' back by doing small scribbles on the burning skin.

"Then do you like my jacket?" Eliott asked him mockingly, which caused the young boy to pinch him gently on his chest.

"Shut up, the body is weak." Lucas grazed the tip of his nose against Eliott's skin and then deposited a short kiss right there. "What time does your plane leave?"

"At five in the afternoon. I'll be arriving about one or two in the morning if there's no delay with the flight."

"I don't want to go home." The young boy whispered to him in a very low voice, Eliott did not know whether he had imagined it or not. It was the first time Lucas had said anything about his home. Swallowing saliva he moved a little lowering his face and sinking his nose into Lucas' hair breathing his essence.

"You could come with me." Eliott proposed quietly too, saying it as if it were some little secret between them that no one else should listen to.

Lucas laughed softly and raised his head meeting Eliott's eyes. They both rubbed off his nose gently. "Yeah?"

Eliott slowly nodded by moving his nose along Lucas' nose without taking off his eyes. "Yes, my parents' apartment is very small but they could make us space. My parents would be happy to meet you."

Lucas's lazy smile got bigger and bigger, and he passed his hand over Eliott's chest hugging him to his sides. Their legs were still intertwined. "What's it like? Christmas with your family."

Eliott took some locks of Lucas' hair with his fingers and stroked his fine hair. "My mother spends all day cooking, moving around in the kitchen, preparing a lot of food, so much food that you'd think it's for a whole army and not just for three people. My father doesn't do much, he just stays on the couch or in his room listening to music or watching some movie, especially Die Hard which as he says: " _It's a Christmas classic._ " My mother likes that movie too, so we'd see it. Then at midnight we eat, spend the night drinking, every now and then my father does his honors of dancing with my mother and sometimes she drags me to dance with her. And when it's about two or three in the morning, when we're already dead from so much eating and drinking, we go to bed."

"What about the presents?"

"That's the best part, we give each other gifts until the next day while we clean the kitchen, the dishes, the table, all the mess the night before. We pass the presents back and forth while my mother dries the dishes, my father sweeps the kitchen and I take out the trash."

Lucas laughs closing his eyes and leaves a little kiss on Eliott's lower lip. "My father will talk to you about books, movies, music, historical events but also chemistry, physics, biology. My mother would insist that you help her in the kitchen and force you to chop vegetables." He keeps talking. "You'll have a good time, it's always been the three of us, there were four of us before, but with my mother's cat but she was always getting tangled up in the tree and sometimes she'd burn the lights."

"I like it when you tell me about your family."

"My parents would love you."

"I don't doubt it." Lucas answered by bringing his lips closer to Eliott's and kissing him slowly. "It's impossible not to love me."

Eliott laughed under biting Lucas' lower lip and opening his mouth making room for his tongue to enter, they were kissing for a while until Lucas separated from him by looking him in the eye. "I like you too, Leo, I really like you." Eliott's heart jumped into his chest and he felt that at any moment he was going to faint right there, quickly hollowed out Lucas' cheeks with his hands and brought him closer to him making the deepest kiss.

_I really like you._

And they were both like this all night, kissing, touching their body, joining, rubbing their legs, touching every corner of their skin, getting lost to each other, they didn't know where one started and where the other ended, their teeth savoring, their moans, words, laughter filled the dark room all night. They did it once, they did it again, and when they already felt that they were both being beaten at night, one of them would take the other again. It wasn't enough, they both felt they could stay there all their lives. And the two stopped talking until four o'clock in the morning, legs clasped, arms hugged, their skin against their skin, they both slept calmly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as always, I hope you enjoy it and see you right here next week... That things will soon get a little different.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: In this chapter we will know something bad that happened. The death of a person in history but before, no, it's not Lucas and no, it's not Eliott and it's not the death of one of his friends either. I could never do anything like that. So, if you want to skip that part or go straight to know who the person is. You can read the summary that I'm going to leave below the chapter.

Eliott got up the next day at ten o'clock in the morning. There was no one next to him. The room was silent. Lucas's clothes, which had once been lying in the middle of the floor and everywhere, were gone. And any trace of the boy and last night he had already disappeared along with him. On his evening table he found a small yellow note with a well-marked letter that said:

_Enjoy your vacation._

_I miss you already. Lucas._

He bathed, went down for lunch a little quick and finished putting away all the things he still needed for the trip. His mother texted him on Friday night, but he didn't answer her until that morning. He picked up some stuff from his boarding school room. He had a lot of clothes and books lying all over the floor, on the table, task sheets, study sheets he'd been using and all he had left. He spent the last hours of that day with his friends, Basile and Alexia, who, like him, had not gone home. Alexia told him that she didn't use to go home at Christmas but that every year she accompanied Basile to visit his grandfather. Eliott was happy to hear his friends talk about their vacation, how they would spend it with their loved ones, what they would cook, how many hours they would sleep now, how much they would miss the nonsense of others. And deep down Eliott couldn't help but think of Lucas and how would he spend his time with Manon and his parents? Why didn't he want to go home? He must have insisted, he must have told Lucas that he would buy the ticket, he must have insisted more on that he will accompany him but also a part of him knew that was going to scare Lucas a lot. That their relationship, well, "relationship" is not serious. It's not normal, it's not an everyday thing, it's not something Lucas had done before and it's definitely not something they were looking for. Their relationship only occurred, only grew out of nowhere, their relationship may have died the next day after that night they smoked, listened to music, talked and then kissed. Things could have finished even before they started, but neither Lucas nor Eliott let that happen. He liked to think they were fighting everything to keep moving where? He didn't know, neither of them knew which path their relationship was taking and neither where would it end. But he had already given so much of him, he had already given himself up completely, that by that time, there was no turning back. His heart and mind were so involved that any things that happened, good or bad, would not have a middle ground. It would be an apocalypse within him.

The note Lucas wrote to Eliott was in his trouser pocket the whole time. A note that made him smile in the early hours of the morning. All the way home, the taxi that took him to the airport, the suitcase check, the airport check, the plane waiting, the boarding, the eight hours he sat in his seat, next to a woman of African-American traits, all that time. All the moment, the note was in there making a big hot hole in his skin. Eliott hadn't written to Lucas yet, he didn't want to disturb him. He wanted to wait a little longer and maybe write to him when he was already with his parents. He wanted to let him know that he was also going to miss him, that he already missed him as much as he missed Eliot. Even more so.

The trip was pleasant. He slept most of the time. He saw a movie he'd seen before and then closed his eyes hoping to win some time that way, let everything happen faster and maybe, when he reopened his eyes, he'd be with his parents in New York. And so it was, the plane descended at one o'clock in the morning with twenty-four minutes. He had a little hard work finding his parents, but there they were. His mother in a brown coat and father with a little messy hair on one side. He had also been sleeping. His mother hugged him tightly with tears in his eyes, and she did not release him until his father practically had to separate them by force because he too wanted to hug his son.

  
  
  
  


Eliott missed that. Eliott missed them so much. And the tears came unannounced and how he could try to keep his mother from seeing him crying.

"Let's go home. He's tired." Her mother said as they were walking to find the suitcase, she kept stroking his back without letting go of the hug she and Eliott had formed.

Eliott denied smiling widely. "No, I actually slept a little on the flight."

"Oh, I was saying it not for you but for your father. Look how he almost fell out of the dream." His mother answered by looking at his father, who was a few steps in front of them trying to find the place to collect his belongings.

Eliott approached his mother towards him by the shoulders and gave her a little kiss on the temple. His mother smelled of peaches and books, as usual. The boy closed his eyes and aspired to that essence that reminded him so much of his childhood. To his mother's warm arms before going to sleep, in his kisses before going to school, in the afternoon giving him a plate of biscuits and butter or the mornings that went together to buy some fruit or vegetables from the market and his mother would tell him about news she had seen on television or read in the newspaper. A small pain settled on his chest, remembering how he almost lost the two most important people in his life. If he felt that way to be away from them only about four months and, four months full of messages and calls, he could not imagine a life without them. But this was something he always did. Self-advocacy, overthink things, dig into the past, blame himself, think about what things would have been different if he had taken other paths, good or bad. And Eliott hated that part of him that sought to destroy his happiness.

Her mother turned to see him better in the eyes and gave him one of her smiles, those smiles that came right to the soul and that feel like a strong hug. 

"I'm glad to have you here, honey, besides someone needs to help organize your father's things."

Eliott let out an exaggerated complaint that was more than fake. "Now what did he become obsessed with?"

"You're not going to imagine..." She made a dramatic pause. "Tools. Now he thinks he's a carpenter, he even wanted to make the couch himself where you were going to stay but I said no, he was crazy, you'd probably get hurt and so would he. Now he says, listen to this, he says he must have dedicated himself to carpentry than to be a teacher." His mother rolled her eyes exasperatedly. "And he promised me a table for the kitchen two months ago, and what do you think he's carrying? Nothing, he bought the wood and did nothing."

"And what takes him so long?"

"It's an _exclusive design_." His mother said trying to imitate his father's voice. "It's only four legs and a board on top. Two months, Eliott, two months."

His mother continued to tell him and raise two fingers to highlight his father's faults. "I bet you that table is made in a year."

"How little faith you have on your husband."

"Any of your father's experiments ever worked?"

“Touché.”

It didn't take them long to find the bags and take them to the car. The road from the airport to the apartment was a little long, more than half an hour, but Eliott didn't feel that time because he was distracted looking around. People didn't lie when they said New York was the city that never slept because in fact it was. Even at that time, in the early morning, many places, local, shops are still open, in many houses, by the windows you could see the people up, the city lights were on wide. Eliott was amazed at everything he looked at. He had never been so far from Paris and had honestly been afraid that all this, somehow, was a lot for him and that he would end up destroying it sooner or later for his parents but seeing everything that awaited him outside that taxi gave him a little more hope. Fear became something different.

And his parents hadn't lied to him either when they told him the apartment was small because in fact it was. Not so much, they usually exaggerate things, but if it was smaller than their previous apartment. They had a room, a small room facing a street, a kitchen that was also the dining room and a bathroom, that was it. It was very nice, very welcoming and if it wasn't for Eliott being in another city, he would have sworn it was the same Paris apartment. Some furniture was different but almost everything was the same.

And his mother didn't lie to him about his father's new hobby. Yes, he had a lot of tools, but not that many. Maybe what bothered his mother the most was wood. There was so much wood in the cellar of the apartment that Eliott was one hundred percent sure they could build a new house. His father had gone through so many phases: Astronomy, cooking, books, film, admiration for historical characters, other careers such as law, philosophy, medicine, even once he tried to get into a dental course, and now carpentry. His mother was trying to support the man, and so did Eliott. Both understood that his father was a dynamic man who needed to learn more and liked to share it, then changed and kept looking for something different. Eliott admired that of him, how passionate he could be about many things and how much he liked to grow up from his experiences.

He was never like that and he didn't think it would ever be that way. He just had a passion and it was art. It was taking a pen and drawing, taking a brush and filling, it was creating something new and bringing something different to life. His days in New York were mostly quiet. At night he would stay up trying to settle into the schedule and also because he was still in awe of how beautiful that city was. From outside the window the snow fell slowly and the noise of the cars, the distant music, the people walking, gave him a different tranquility to the one he felt in Paris or at the boarding school. He was not alone in the world, many people were living their life at night. At a party drinking with friends or alone, on a walk with their partner or their dog, in bed making love with their lover or talking on the phone with a loved one.

And most of the time he was thinking about Lucas.

He missed his smile. He missed his laughter. He missed his eyes. He missed his hands. He missed his lips. He missed her troubled hair. He missed seeing him in the morning with sleepy eyes. He missed watching him fight with the food packaging. He missed his sharp cheekbones. He missed his fine nose. He missed the way he wrinkled his nose every time he laughed hard. He missed the way he moved his hands when he talked about something he liked. He missed his sarcasm. He missed his taunts. He missed the way he bit his lower lip when he was nervous. He missed the way he looked at the drawings Eliott scolded him. How he examined them in detail. He missed everything about him. He missed his hip movements every time he did a little victory dance when he beat Basile on something. He missed watching him fight for something from a distance. He missed the way he complained about Emma's jokes. He missed his body. He missed the heat of him under or above Eliott. He missed his smell. He missed his voice. He missed him so much that it hurt so much. How was that possible? He'd never felt that way about Lucille. How did Lucas get so deep inside him? How did he allow it? What would he do if it's all over someday? How will he survive?

Lucas hadn't answered the message he sent him a few days ago. He hasn't answered any of the messages. His silence was being eternal, it was a grueling, strong silence, which became heavier and heavier and increasingly worried Eliott. He didn't talk so much to his friends while he was in New York, he would send him messages when he had time and they would answer him in the early morning or the next day, hours later. When his cell phone ring, Eliott's heart jumped from the chest hoping to find Lucas' name on the screen but never arrived. He went to many places with his father, visited some tourist spots, shops, cafes, shopping centers with his parents. He touched the snow. He skated for the first time, fell so many times but each of them got up and kept trying while his mother made fun of the clumsiest son he could have had. "You inherited it from your father." It was what she always said when he failed at something. His father, by surprise, had built some small things and Eliott was happy to help him but his mother was right, sometimes the two were very clumsy and when they started something, at the hour, they would completely forget it and leave it where they went.

* * *

  
  


He was enjoying the holidays with his family, even though he spent a lot of time thinking about Lucas. Traveling many times to Paris, to boarding school, remembering their moments together, wondering what it will be like when they return. And apparently, he was nothing discreet because his mother noticed.

"And how's it like?" His mother asked one morning that Eliott was helping her cut some carrot. She saw Eliott's confused face and smiled at him behind her glass of wine. "The girl or the boy who has you like that."

"No one."

His mother shot him a look that said: _Really?_ "Come on, Eli, I may be old but I am not blind, you are my son and I know you very well. You have been checking that cell phone at least fifty times a day, every time it rings you have to run to see it and I have seen that look you put on every time it is not what you expect. It is like seeing a beaten puppy. ”

Eliott smiled slightly without looking away from his work. He did not expect to have that conversation with his mother, nor with his father, with anyone in fact but again, they were his parents, and they knew him very well.

"It's nothing."

"Lies. It's something, something very important. Do you like it?" 

Eliott kept quiet for a moment and sighed letting the knife rest on the board, and saw his mother in the eye for the first time since she began that conversation. And he nodded. "Yes, I like it very much."

"And is it reciprocated?" He nodded in response and his mother's smile, that soft smile, made him relax. "How long have you been together?"

"Two months. We're not boyfriends, mom, we just spend our time together." Eliott replied by shrugging his shoulders trying to clarify the situation.

His mother raised her eyebrow to the top. All right, Eliott didn't like whatever his mother was scheting on her head. "All right," she lifted her wine and took a sip of it while still smiling "I understand."

"Mo−" Eliott groaned in complaining.

"No, hey, I understand. Things are different these days, well, in my time it wasn't that different either."

Eliott again released another complaint. "Enough, please. It's not like that."

"No, no, no, you don't have to be ashamed, Eliott. We were all young. And hey, even if it's not, I understand you, honey, okay? Just remember to be careful. I'd love to have a grandchild, but not yet, you have a lot to live for."

"There's no danger of that, don't worry." Eliott had a drink of the beer it was resting on the table behind him.

"Even if there isn't, you have to be careful. Your health and that boy's health, so many diseases. It's better to prevent than to regret." Eliott nodded again letting her know he understood what she meant. "You know? I always knew you were different." His mother was still in the same place behind her back at the window, sitting in the chair in front of the table with some pieces of bread that she was cutting a few minutes ago.

"What do you mean?"

"I always knew deep down that you didn't just like girls. That you look beyond that. You think I never noticed the skateboard kid?" Eliott let out another complaint and raised his hands by placing it on his face trying to hide his expression. His shame. It couldn't be possible. "A boy who liked to hide at home, spent the afternoons with a notebook and a pencil drawing animals, one day he comes in and asks us for a skateboard, and then he spends every afternoon, Monday through Friday, three to six in the afternoon away from home, and never, ever, ever," His mother was laughing to see the expression of horror on Eliott's face, which was seeing him behind his fingers, still hidden. "we _never_ saw you riding on a skateboard. You never used that skateboard in our presence. And one day they call us saying you fell, guess how? Using another guy's skateboard. It was just to realize."

"Did dad know?"

His mother denied and under her gaze at the table looking to something beyond. Maybe going over the past. "No, he didn't know until you told us."

His mother rose from the table and stood in front of him, resting her hands on Eliott's shoulders. Her heavenly eyes full of so much affection were watching him carefully. "You have always had such a great heart, Eliott, full of love to give. You've always given yourself up to what you want with such passion. You have so much life within you that I think it's so much that it can't be directed to just gender. You've always been in love with all forms of love, haven't you? I like to believe that you learned that from us." His mother laughed and Eliott could only nod quickly. "And life is hard, much, Eliott, the world is cruel. A " _normal_ " mother seeing her son being in love with another boy at such a young age would have freaked out. It would have run out or made her son change, but I'm not like that. I know things are hard and loving someone and people telling you it's wrong is complicated. I can tell you that it's easier to quit and have an easier life, less full of hate, that you don't have to hide, that you don't have to feel embarrassed, that you don't have to fight, or live that, but that smile you have since you arrived. That glow you give off, the way you stay looking at your cell phone, how nervous you were a few minutes ago when I asked you about that person. I've never seen you like that. Not with Lucille. No one. And I don't know the boy, but something good must have."

"He's wonderful." He murmured Eliott still seeing his mother in the eye.

"I just want you to be happy." 

His mother lowered her hands, stroking Eliott's arms very fondly. "And I hope that boy appreciates how amazing you are, so with all those flaws you have." Eliott snorted and his mother let him go by pushing him and bumping his hips by moving Eliott aside. "Just look at this, for God's sake. I know cooking isn't your thing, but we're people, not horses, Eliott. Cut this a little smaller." His mother complained as she moved some pieces of carrot in her hand trying to separate them by those worthwhile and what had to be cut again.

* * *

  
  


Christmas was just like every year, and just like he had told Lucas days ago. His mother spent all day cooking, sweets, cakes, a huge turkey that could well feed an entire family of twelve, salad, mash, lots of wine and too much beer. His father spent the day resting, watching movies with him and mostly sleeping. The exams had also been taken at the university where his parents taught and apparently, as much as he did, for them had been exhausting weeks. Filled with papers, sheets to qualify, meetings with more professors, job delivery, and more. And in those last days of the year a tranquility was being installed, a peace, a laziness that is always present when finally a year reaches its final stage and a new one is about to begin.

After Christmas is the New Year. Another day when he and his parents stayed at home resting, spending time together, drinking. His mother, like every year, also spent the day in the kitchen preparing different food. Lasagna, salad, bread with butter, cakes, more wine and also more beer to drink. They hugged when it gave twelve. They all ate together and not long after that they all went to sleep. Surrendered by the celebration. Lucas had not yet answered him and Eliott's concern only grew more. Fear grew stronger on his chest. A pain that had not been there before was now crushing him to leave him breathless. He didn't want to think about things too much. He didn't want to look for signs telling him what had gone wrong. What did he say. What he did. What didn't he say. What he didn't do. So many questions in his head made her hurt even more. Maybe he was overacting everything. Maybe Lucas was too busy with his family and didn't have time, or maybe the schedule change was bothering him and he didn't want to talk to him at the time.

Eliott's flight was five days after New Year's. The farewell was short but the tears were many. His mother didn't let go of his hand all the way to the airport checkup and even when they sat down to wait for the plane, she was there all the time, holding his hand and smiling at him every time Eliott's eyes met hers.

He would see them again in a few months when the semester is over and they had to go back to Paris. It was going to be a lot longer than just three months but they'd survive, they knew it. The flight back to Paris was a little longer. Exhausting. He arrived in his country at six o'clock in the afternoon but the plane did not land until much later, almost seven o'clock at night. His trip to boarding school was shorter. Eliott was falling out of the dream but arrived just at eight o'clock at night. The high school gates were already closed, but someone took care of letting it go. Everything was exactly the same since he was gone. Classes wouldn't start for two more days. So all that time he was going to take advantage of it to rest and enjoy his last hours of rest before the stress of his last school year would begin.

  
  


* * *

  
  


When he returned most of his friends were also boarding school except for Imane and Daphné who were still at home with their family and will return until Sunday afternoon, a day before the return from school, and Eliott spent all that time with his friends listening about his vacation. Alexia told him about Basile's grandfather's farm. That she spent all that time helping him feed the chickens, who got up early every morning to pick egg and who cooked a lot of dishes with his friend's mother. The mother had been discharged from the hospital, she, just as he also had bipolarity, and spent Christmas together every year. Eliott did not know why Alexia was never with her family and for years that she was rotating the holidays at other friends' houses. Alexia didn't say it either, it wasn't necessary, but he let her know that if she ever needed to spend someday off with someone she could come with him. She was quite grateful for the offer.

He knew how hard the family could get to be at times. How you can be overtaken by some and you can't control everything you think or feel, and also what others feel about you. And so time went on. Sitting with his friends in the dining room, in the garden, walking to the lake, sitting on the pier, taking on the little January sun, talking to them about what the new semester would be. The faint glare of the sun was hitting him on the face warmly, Eliott had his eyes closed and lying on his back with his arms behind his head as he heard Emma fight Yann over a piece of sandwich. All his friends had decided to have a little picnic on Sunday afternoon. Imane had already arrived and joined them after going to leave all her bags to her room. Away from all the noise, from the other students who were already settling into boarding school again, away from the principal overseeing everything, far from all the staff cleaning the premises. Far away from all that. Eliott was just finishing enjoying the last of his vacation.

"Haven't you spoken to Lucas?" He heard Arthur's voice asking.

"No, he hasn't answered me yet." Yann replied.

Eliott's stomach shrank a little into it. His friends hadn't talked about Lucas all that time, he assumed the boy would arrive Sunday afternoon or night like the rest of the students but listening to them talk about Lucas so only made his concern grow. If Lucas hadn't talked to anyone over there, where could he be?

"What about you?" Arthur asked again, who was not far from where Eliott was lying. Just a metre away, sitting next to Alexia and in front of Basile, who was next to Yann and Emma.

Eliott didn't hear anyone say anything, so he imagined the question was to Emma and she must have nodded.

"Eliott," The boy opened his eyes by rising from the grass leaning on his elbows to see the whole group better "have you heard from him?" Arthur told him as he push up his glasses over the bridge of his nose, he was watching him with worried eyes.

He swallowed saliva and also denied. "No, I've been writing to him but he hasn't answered me."

"Don't you think something happened to him?" Basile told him with his mouth almost full because of the sandwich he was finishing eating. Arthur wet his lips by looking at Yann waiting for him to answer.

"No, of course not. We'd know something. I'm sure his cell phone died like last time."

That was the last conversation the two of them had about the blue-eyed boy until a few days later. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. It had been a week and neither Lucas nor Manon went to study. Eliott could see the concern growing more and more in the group of friends. No one dared say anything because everyone knew that sooner or later the stepbrothers were going to show up at boarding school and didn't want to raise questions. Rumors or annoy others with their doubts, but they also knew that things could no longer go on like this. Ignoring the situation. Eliott was having a hard time concentrating on his studies when all the time he was wondering where is Lucas? Is he ok? When would he be back? Why hadn't he answered the messages to his friends or to him?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, it was until Thursday that Lucas returned. He was with Alexia, Arthur and Emma sitting at the table at dinnertime waiting for their other friends to arrive when Yann sat in front of them. He dropped suddenly, letting out a heavy sigh. He put his hands on his face for a moment and then rested his elbows on the table, approached his friends. He looked a little pale.

"I have something to tell you, but" he look at every friend carefully "can't tell anyone. Not until "Yann let out another sigh by denying with her head "until the director announces it or publishes it or everyone knows."

"What's going on?" Emma told him at the same time that she stroked her boyfriend's back trying to reassure him.

"Lucas I'm back."

"Where is he?" It was Arthur's turn to ask, he had a frown and he made himself forward also bringing almost his entire body on the table to better hear Yann above the noise.

"He's in the room. He and Manon came back in the afternoon when we were in class."

"Well, at least he's back." Alexia said, sketching a smile, her eyes turned to Arthur and Yann trying to relax the atmosphere around her a little.

Yann shook his head and lowered his eyes to his hands, sighed again, noticing. "There's something I have to tell you, but you have to promise me you won't tell anyone and not to Lucas. He can't know that you know." Everyone nodded waiting for the boy to keep talking. "Charles did not come back."

Emma frowned in confusion and moved away from her boyfriend watching the best. "What about that? Doesn't he always leave the country on vacation?"

Yann shrugged in response. "I don't know, I don't know anything about what he does in his spare time but I was talking to Lucas and he told me why they were away all this time. It was Charles. He's dead."

A long silence settled around the table, all they could hear were the voices of the other students, their laughter, the chairs, the dishes, the forks moving, everything was far away until Arthur broke it.

"What the fuck, Yann!? What do you mean, he's _dead_!?" The blond boy almost yelled, placing his two palms on the table.

Yann moved his hands down, instructing Arthur to lower his voice. "That's what Lucas told me."

"I don't understand." It was all Alexia said while denying, her eyes were looking at her hands, down, to some point that wasn't there.

"What did Lucas tell you?" Emma asked. The girl's eyes were wide open like her mouth. Eliott wasn't sure how he looked like at the time, but he suspected it was something like his friend.

"I went to the room and I found Lucas lying in his bed, and I began to talk to him about how tidy everything was before he arrived, from classes, about the homework they had already left us. He spoke to me, not so much, he was a little quiet which I found very strange. I asked him about his vacation," Yann sighed again with exhaustion "about his father and told me the usual, that everything remained the same. And then I told him that we're all worried about him because he wasn't coming and because he wasn't answering the messages. He apologized and explained that he had to change his cell phone and their return had been postponed because they spent Christmas outside Paris. At this point I didn't want to go on with the conversation but Lucas kept talking." Yann looked everyone in the eye and wet his lips without stopping denying. "He told me that Charles had passed away."

Silency reappeared. No one at the table dared to say anything, or say anything for a moment.

"How?" Yann's eyes and the rest of his friends turned to him for a few seconds. "He didn't tell me and I didn't ask him the details either. Only it was a sudden thing and that Manon, he and the family had to travel to Eguisheim, the area where Charles' mother's family lives, and days passed there at the funeral and with Charles' father."

"Who else knows?" Arthur asked.

"Just us, I suppose, and Charles's friends."

"That's why Ingrid hasn't come to study," Eliott said, he didn't know where so many words came from. Yes he had noticed the girl's absence this semester but he imagine she, like Charles, would come back much later, but he never imagined it would be for something like that. Charles dead. A thousand explanations had passed through Eliott's head as to why Lucas had not yet returned to boarding school, but none of them involved someone dying, let alone that person being Charles. The last time he saw him was at the party before the New Year's Eve vacation. When he and Lucas had that little fight and Manon had to separate them before they started beating each other in the middle of the forest. Eliott was just like Alexia, like his friends, just as confused and full of questions.

"How did it happen? What happened to him?" Emma asked without addressing anyone specifically.

Yann shrugged in response in denial. "I don't know, we'll have to wait for the news"

"A suicide?" Arthur answered, his hands were moving on the table.

"Arthur, please, how can you believe that?" Alexia told him almost in a contained scream.

"I don't know, we look at people but we don't really know what's going on in their life. The boy didn't have an easy life."

Emma snorted. "He was an idiot."

"Yes, but that doesn't mean it deserves an ending like that." Arthur replied trying to retain that his voice will rise more than necessary. "Suicide is no solution to problems but sometimes there are people who have a hard time moving forward if things get ugly. I had to deal with this," the boy pointed to his ear "and it took me a lot of work to get used to this life, it took my mother a lot of work and me to get used to a life without my father. I had to survive with the memory of what he did to me, and sometimes it's very difficult, and you don't look at any other solution than that. No one has a perfect life. If the boy took his own life, I feel sorry for him because no one deserves to go through hell like that. He could be an idiot… He was an idiot, " Arthur corrects before he keeps talking "but no one is bad for being bad."

"We still don't know what happened. We have to wait."

"It could have been an accident." Alexia suggested.

"Yes, the last time I saw him, he was a little drunk at the party plus he used to drink a lot." Emma answered, her eyes traveled for all her friends.

Arthur disagreed. "Already, but I don't think he's a guy who gets in a car and drive drunk either."

"We don't know what could have happened. We haven't even seen Lucas yet, how is he?" Alexia asked Yann.

"Normal, he looks a little tired and bored but nothing else."

Emma raised her eyebrows by releasing a snort and moving the tray of food in front of her. "I can't imagine how Manon is."

"She's devastated. He was her boyfriend for years." Yann said, seeing Emma again. The boy was still wearing his boarding school uniform. The sleeves of his shirt were bent up to his elbows.

"Do you think the director will tell us anything?"

"An announced, maybe, some mass or something for him, but I don't think she'll tell us exactly how he died. It's better to wait for those things, it's very recent." Arthur answered, and hugged Alexia's shoulders and she dropped her head on his shoulder.

"I don't think I'll get the idea that he's gone. I didn't think this would happen in a million years."

Yann nodded turning his face to see Emma better. "I know and we didn't know him. I couldn't imagine how Manon or his friends are having it."

"What about his family?" Eliott asked again. "Hadn't his mother died too?"

It was Arthur's turn to answer him. "Yes, she died of cancer about five years ago, I think. We don't know much about his father. His brother graduated and left and his father never shows up here."

After that the conversation was very vague. His friends didn't want to talk about almost anything. The spirit had completely fallen and all they did that night was to sit there, share one word and let the noise of everyone else fill the silence that reigned with them. A few minutes later Daphné arrived with Basile. Eliott wasn't sure if any of his friends noticed everyone's mood or if they just ignored them but after Eliott was playing with his food for ten minutes. Not wanting to eat any more. He apologized saying he had to do some homework and wished them all a happy night. The truth is, Eliott was going to go get Lucas. He wanted to see him. Just as he was about to walk out the dining room door, a hand took him by the shoulder stopping him. 

"Eliott." It was Yann. The boy turned his face back seeing his friends who were a few feet away from them.

"What's going on?"

"I don't think it's a good time for you to see Lucas... He and Charles had" Yann stood silently trying to find the right word before continuing "their differences and I don't think he liked this news that much. It has affected us all," the boy said, moving his hands up and then dropping them to the sides of his body in surrender "this news even though Charles was not to our liking. So..."

Eliott nodded in understanding and under his eyes seeing his shoes before seeing Yann again. "I understand, thank you Yann for worrying about him."

"He's my best friend, you're all my friends and I just want the best."

  
  


* * *

  
  


It didn't take long for the news to be released. The next day the principal called all her students outside the rooms to talk to them. Eliott was on the other side, away from his friends, in the senior row along with all his fellow promotions when the director appeared. She was dressed all in black with a low skirt ensemble to the knee and a matching jacket. Her hair was collected in a ponytail, straight as was her makeup. Everything on her face marked was well placed. His fingernails were painted black and his thin hands rested on the small podium that had been installed a few minutes earlier.

"Dear Students, I regret that you have to interrupt your day to give a regrettable news." Eliott's looking everywhere for Lucas. He couldn't find him. "Yesterday I was told a devastating news story that I must share with you. One of our students who has been part of this family has passed away." Some panting and murmurings of surprise flooded the place. The director didn't look down at any time, seeing each of them carefully giving them time to process the information. "Our dear student, Charles Munier, passed away two weeks ago. Please, for the respect of Charles and his family, let us remain silent for a moment, and refrain from sharing false information. These are hard times for everyone." Eliott managed to see Lucas' hair. The boy was next to Yann but he could not see his face, he was far away from him and the heads of other people were in his way. "Now everyone can return to their classes as normal as possible, please, and we will be announcing the mass to be celebrated in his memory."

The director is down along with some teachers who were behind her throughout her speech. People started talking, everyone was curious, nervous about the news. Everyone started walking in different directions and others stayed in the place talking to their friends. Eliott began walking towards Lucas but when he got to the boy, he was no longer there.

"Can you believe it?" Basile asked when his friend found him. "How did it happen?"

"No idea, Bas."

"That's why Manon was like that yesterday."

"Like that, how?"

Basile nodded and bit some of the granola bar in his hand. "Daphné shares a room with Alexia and his room is next to Manon. She texted me last night saying she couldn't sleep because someone was crying next door. She thought it was Manon's roommate or Manon, that maybe Charles and she were done or Charles did something stupid like all the time."

"How's she doing?"

"Manon?" Eliott nodded in response. "I haven't seen her, really, maybe Daphne knows something. And Lucas?"

Eliott shrugged and raised his heads watching around him trying to locate the young boy.

"No, I haven't seen him."

"It sucks all this."

  
  
  
  


Eliott tried to talk to Lucas. He really did try. He wrote to her many times. He waited for him in his room, but it was like the boy knew when he was going to look for him. He didn't even look at him at lunchtime. It was like He was there, but not at the same time. The only times he managed to get a view of him was when they changed classrooms every certain hour. Lucas looked a little tired, bored, as Yann had said. His hair messy. Little dark circles under his eyes. Tired eyes. Lost eyes. It was like he was moving in automatics. His friends were still around talking to him, but Lucas's eyes were always down, lost, seeing something beyond. Eliott didn't know what had happened. Perhaps Charles's death had affected him as much as Manon. The girl looked at heed even worse. She was getting paler every day. He could tell in her eyes that she was crying for a long time. She was even thinner than before. Eliott was disgusted to see her, and not because she wasn't pretty, but because she felt sorry for her and it hurt to see in others the suffering. Even though Charles wasn't someone much loved at boarding school, his death touched a lot of people.

He believed it was better to give time and space to heal what Lucas will need to heal. Lucas had left him a note under his door that said:

_I'm sorry. Now is not a good time._

_Please don't look for me. Lucas._

  
  


And that's what he did. He stopped waiting for a call from Lucas. He stopped waiting for him to come into his room at night like he used to. He stopped going to dinner and sometimes even having breakfast so his presence wouldn't bother Lucas. He stopped looking for his gaze every time they crossed the aisle. Eliott's heart hurt. His stomach shrugged every time he looked at him from afar. But Yann was right, it was the best thing for now.

The whole atmosphere at boarding school was heavy and slow until the day of the mass that was celebrated. That day no student attended classes and everyone wore black. All the boys in suits and ties. All women wearing dress and dress pants. Everyone was quiet that day. Everyone was talking quietly. They all walked around taking the time. Everyone was silent all over mass. And it was that day, among the whispers of the students that it was known how Charles Munier died. The article about what happened was published in the press.

  
  


> **INHERITOR OF "CHÂTEAU DE LYON" IS FOUND DEAD:**
> 
>   
>    
> 
> 
> _January 20. — Charles Munier, the youngest son of the owner of the largest wine company, Château de Lyon, tragically died on Tuesday, January 2, 2013. His body was found in one of Mr. Munier's properties located on La Rue du Faubourg Saint-Honoré, 8th Arrondissement in Paris, France. He was 18._
> 
> _He was in the study room with a gun in his hand, and two shot in the lower part of his chest. And an empty bottle of alcohol next to the body. It is presumed to be suicide, but authorities are still investigating the case for evidence of any murder committed against Charles Munier. Mr. Munier, the youngest son of the great businessman: Adrien Munier, who was taking his last year at the Sainte-Mére Internship. He was alone in the residence without the company of anyone else. And it was Thursday, January 3 of this year, that the family housekeeper found him in the study room. Mrs. Murray came home at 7 a.m., when her shift began, when she realized that the studio door was open along with some lights on. Mrs. Murray knocked on the door before entering and it was at that moment that she found Mr. Munier, wearing a dress shirt and a pair of denim pants, in his hand was the gun and a few yards from him an almost empty bottle. The woman called the ambulances, but by the time they arrived, the young man had long since passed away._
> 
> _The police came to the scene, found traces of blood and also the weapon that had been used to end young Munier's life. The autopsy was performed and as was evident, the boy was shot dead in the liver and part of his stomach. The shots severely damaged his organ and broke his spleen causing internal bleeding. Police do not yet have details of the incident, but a source confirms that the death may have occurred between two or three in the morning. Some neighbors claim to have not heard nothing out of the ordinary that night, and Ms. Murray assured that Tuesday was the day she returned to work after the holidays, and that she had no communication with anyone in the family. So far none of the members of the Munier family haven’t filed a statement to the press._

  
  


"Murder?" Arthur said on Daphné's shoulder as the blonde girl finished reading the paper that she managed to steal from one of the cleaners. The news had already run all over the boarding school and his friend, Daphné, had written to everyone to gather in Arthur and Basile's room to read the news. 

"Here it says that he died on the 2nd of January, why are they publishing the news so far?" Arthur asked and took the paper out of Daphné's hands to examine the photo they had put next to the article. It was a picture of Charles from the chest up, with evidently the intern's vest.

Daphné shrugged in response. "I don't know, probably Charles's father didn't allow it or the authorities. They say they're still investigating."

"And quite rightly, I don't think it was a suicide." Sofiane replied, who was sitting on Basile's bed with his elbows resting on his knees next to Imane. The boy was wearing a black tuxedo with an unbuttoned white shirt around his neck. His tie rested at the night table of one of his friends.

"Why do you say that?" Basile asked, who was sitting on one of the chairs.

"It's pretty obvious, no one shoots in the chest when they want to take their life, let alone in the liver or stomach." Imane responded, still seeing where Daphné was, leaning on the table, his whole tense body looking back and forth.

"And if it's murder, what? Why?" Basile questioned. His friend it was also wearing a black tuxedo along with the shirt of the same color. He was no longer wearing his shoes, which allowed everyone to see his dark grey socks with small blue triangles around.

All remained silent for a moment thinking. Eliott was sitting on the bed in Arthur's bed. His feet moved uncontrollably against the floor.

"What if it was something of the father?" Daphné added after a moment. The girl was wearing a short-sleeved black dress that fell up above her knees and black heels with a leash on her ankle. The sleeves and everything around her chest was lace. Her hair was tied up in a well-done ponytail that allowed some strands to fall down the sides of her face.

Imane frowned. She was wearing a straight black dress with long-sleeved circle collar along with a long coat and her shoes were well polished black low heel oxfords. Her hair was loose and plaited.

"Like something about the father?"

"You know, sometimes children end up paying for the sins of parents."

"What could the father be involved in? I don't think they're in big trouble to get them to that point." Alexia replied, who was leaning on the headboard of Arthur's bed. She was wearing a formal black trouser that fell up to her ankle along with a short-sleeved turtleneck blouse and black pointed heels. Her short brown hair was loose and well combed.

"We don't know anything about half the kids who are in boarding school." Alexia replied and she nodded.

Sofiane shook his head, letting out a sigh. "I have a bad feeling about this." Imane stroked Sofiane's back.

"What if it was an accident?" Arthur suggested. "Perhaps he shot himself by accident."

Imane nodded slowly. "He could be drunk and the gun went off."

"What I don't understand is why didn't he ask for help?" "What I don't understand is why didn't you ask for help?" Arthur again asked, denying with his head while still seeing the article, as if watching it longer the paper was going to give him the answers. The boy was wearing a white dress shirt with sleeves rolled up to his elbows and a formal black trousers with shoes of the same color.

"This is making my head hurt a lot, guys." Imane said as she raised her hands giving up.

"I still believe there is at least a revenge here." Daphné kept saying.

Arthur dropped the paper on the table and Basile shook his head quickly. "I don't think so, that's a lot of soap operas. I'm sure he was very drunk, he took the gun, he didn't realize the gun wasn't on the lock and shot himself. Maybe he didn't ask for help because he hurt himself so badly, doesn't it say he bled?"

"Nobody here is a doctor so we don't know how long it takes to bleed to death and not how _severe_ the wound was." Sofiane said, his hand took Imane's and passed his thumb slowly down the side of Imane's hand.

"We just have to wait for them to publish something." Eliott concluded what his other friends agreed to.

It was four o'clock in the afternoon. The afternoon sun was gently hitting and the window in his friends' room allowed some rays of light to seeps from the outside. The day was cold, some snow was still falling from the previous Christmas but it was starting to melt with the heat that was growing more and more every day. Yann, Emma, and Lucas were not with them at the time, after mass, they did not eat with them but, as Imane later told him, in Yann's room. He saw the boy at the mass, a few rows behind Manon, who kept shaking her shoulders through the crying. The young boy wore, like all, a black suit with a tie of the same color and shiny shoes. His eyes were still lost, and so did his smile. Eliott just wanted to be able to hug him, free him from whatever burden Lucas was carrying on his shoulders, but he respected what the boy asked of him and kept his distance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary of the warning: Eliott spent Christmas with his family and then returned to boarding school after the holidays but Lucas and Manon did not return. He and his friends were worried about him, until one day Yann told them that Lucas was already in his room resting and gave them the news that... Charles passed away. They speculate a little bit what might have happened, but nobody knows anything. A few days later, after the celebration of a mass in memory of Charles, the news is published in the newspaper. The news is that he was shot twice in the chest, which injured his liver and part of his stomach, and bled to death. They don't know if it's a suicide, but the police suspect it's murder. And, that's it.
> 
> So, always thank you for your comments and your kudos. Difficult times are coming, yes, but everything will be fine. I promise you. Please always take care. See you next weeeeeek.


	9. Chapter 9

After the funeral, things at boarding school gradually continued. Students continued to attend classes. In the mornings Eliott would get up, bathe, go down to the dining room and have some bowl of cereal and milk along with orange or apple juice, then go back to his building to go brush his teeth and after passing through his room to collect all his things, he was heading to class. He was taught eight-and-a-half to twelve. At one he had lunch with his friends and he would return to school, except on Tuesdays which was the only day he left his class early and could devote his time to doing something else. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday through Friday, On Saturday, he attended his appointment with his psychologist. He didn't pay much attention to the things she said. They talked a lot about the holidays, his time with his family, but Eliott didn't tell her about Lucas. He wanted to tell her something about the boy, but he didn't know what. There were so many things going through his head at the time and none of them had any specific order so he decided to leave that for later. He still didn't know where his relationship with Lucas was. Is it over yet? Was that all? So he kept quiet. He nodded when the psychologist asked him something. And he moved his head to answer her questions. On Sunday he passed it at boarding school. Locked in his room. He excused himself with his friends saying he had a lot to do, which was a lie, but he didn't want to talk to anyone. He felt tired. Boring. Discouraged. Everything seemed so gray to him now.

All he did those days was just moving forward. Keep going. Try to live the day to day. Don't think too much about Lucas. And even when he looked at him he tried that it won't affect him so much. The boy went back to the dining room. They sat at the same table but meters away that for Eliott were kilometers and kilometers. He was trying not to see it in the eye. I was so trying not to see him. He tried not to hear his voice but whenever a part of him was much stronger than himself, and without him being able to stop, there he was. Seeing the small, thin, broad-liped, full-faced boy with messy hair and long, thin hands. White-skinned, sun-bright brown hair. Thin-nosed with sharp cheekbones. He was still looking to meet his eyes, but Lucas always managed to dodge well.

the days passed very slow. Two weeks felt like a full year for him. The hours were slow. The hands of the clock were torture for Eliott. He spent as much time as possible occupying his mind on other things. In reading, listening to the same two songs by Jenny Kern and Will Cookson, to advance tasks, to draw, that's what he did most, draw. His hands automatically drew lines from a small hedgehog on the sheets of his notebook but after repressing himself many times he finally managed to do more than that little animal. His room was now full of more drawings. Images of boarding school, his home, images of different landscapes. Paintings full of stains, things, people he knew, people he didn't know, people he once saw, things he remembered or places he once imagined to meet and see. His head was making a lot of noise those days and the last thing he needed at the time was to have an episode so he was very careful every time he took his medication and tried, tried with all his might to keep his feet on the ground and not let anything affect him more than he should. It was so hard. Painful.

And he stopped going to Imane's classes too. He told the girl he no longer needed her help at the moment. She understood, however, or Eliott was beginning to know her more or he was imagining that everyone was beginning to suspect his behavior because the girl saw him in a way that froze his blood and made him look down, feeling suddenly embarrassed of something.

Even though he was taking a little distance from his friends and some activities sometimes. He still worried about Lucas and Emma knew, so she kept him informed about the young boy.

"He's fine." Emma assured him while she ate some of her yogurt.

"How do you know?"

The girl looked up from the food container and looked him right in the eyes. "Because I'm his friend." Eliott raised an eyebrow, not quite sure of the answer she gave him. "I promise you, Eli. I know you and he are very good friends, but you have to understand that you don't know him like we do."

That was true. It hurt him to hear that, but it was very true.

"Much better than before?"

Ema slowly nodded. "A lot. He's not as quiet anymore and he's joking like he used to."

Eliott bit his lower lip before asking Emma. "Why do you think...?" He had some trouble finding the exact words. He didn't even know what he was really asking. What did he want to know.

"Why did it affect him like that?" She asked Eliott. He nodded in response. "It affected us all in some way. We had no relationship with him, but we've known him for years. It's like sharing, so to speak, your life with a person. You have this person always present, in class, in the hallways, at lunchtime, in the rooms, at parties, there is always this person and then one day he is gone. Disappears. Wouldn't that make you feel a little sad?"

"I guess, but you weren't friends with him."

Emma nodded again and let out a sigh. "I know. I didn't like him, we all didn't like him. He was a little arrogant and vain, but that takes away that he was a person. We spend seven days a week, twenty-four hours a day locked up here and you get used to seeing these faces. Somehow everyone, I'm not going to use the word family because is not, but it creates a bond of companionship? Do you understand me?"

Eliott nodded to let her know he understood what she meant. He had also felt that way with his friends many times. 

"So," Emma continued to speak "even if it sounds kind of ridiculous as the director says, we're like everything we have in here."

"How long have you been here?"

The girl inflicts her cheeks letting the air out as she looked up, making eyes of thinking. "For ten years now. I came to study here when I was seven years old and that same year Yann also came in."

"Wow, it's too long." Eliott replied with a smile draws from his face the amazement he felt knowing that his friend had spent the longest time of her life there, in that boarding school, on those stone walls.

Emma laughed at her friend's admiring gaze. "And when did Lucas come in?"

"He came in when he was about nine. He resents us saying this but," the girl approached him and placed her palm on the side of her mouth covering her a little as if she were telling him a secret "we adopted him." Eliott laughed again, which made Emma laugh too. "He was all small, he had traces of blond hair on the front of his head, he was very, very thin and had huge eyes. It was nice, a pity."

Eliott couldn't take his laughing stomach anymore. "Why?"

"Haven't you seen him?" She asked her friend with surprise. "He's awful, where did that tender boy go? Ah!" The girl said as she snapped her finger in response. "I know, that boy grew up, became a grumpy teenager and frustrated with his life. He really needs to lie down more."

He kept laughing for a moment until Emma spoke to him again, a little more serious, and she placed a hand on his shoulder. "Seriously, don't worry. I know Lucas well and he's going to recover from this. He's been through some tough times. First the death of his mother and now the death of Charles."

He wet his lips before he spoke. "But they weren't very close, were they? That's what he told me."

"I know, but you have to know that Lucas does that. He pretends to be strong, to have everything under control, he doesn't like that others see him when he's wrong, the few times he lets himself look like that is because it's been so much." Emma let out another sigh before lowering her gaze towards the empty yogurt container. "I never met his mother but I'm sure her death somehow had to hurt him, it's his mother and I once saw his father and he's not the friendliest person in the room, if you know what I mean." She told him and she made a grimacing with displeasure.

The girl kept quiet before she went on. "I don't know where that amazing guy came from." She sketched a smile that caused him to smile too and then his friend hit his shoulder hard.

"Ouch, what about that?" He stroked his shoulder and looked at his friend with a frown. Confused by what had happened.

"Don't tell him I told you that." She pointed him out threateningly with the index finger. "That little idiot can't know I've been nice to him."

Eliott placed his right palm on his chest. "I promise you I won't tell him anything. You have my word."

"Right." The girl looked at him in earnest but the corner of her lips rose briefly before returning to her angry face. "I'll believe you, but if I ever know you broke your promise. I know where to find you and all this, these gossip meetings, it's all over."

He laughed and shook his head. "You couldn't live without me, Emma Borges."

Emma slowly shook his head. "No, there you are wrong, Eliott Demaury. Who else is going to keep you informed of your friend?" _Friend_ , she said that last word slowly as marking every letter. It felt like they just let a bomb go inside him. Friend.

* * *

  
  


On Thursday of that same week Eliott stopped by the dining room to pick up something to eat, an apple along with a bottle of pure water, he did not usually dine so small snacks used to fill him enough until the next day. When he opened his bedroom door and dropped all his stuff on the bed, he noticed there was a sheet lying on the floor. It was a small white sheet and folded in half. It was the same as the one Lucas had left him a few weeks ago where he told him he needed time and to forgive him for taking his distance. Eliott's heart began to beat quickly when he took the note with his hand and opened it. The same Lucas letter that he knew very well now said:

  
  


_Go to the music room._

_The door will be open. Lucas._

  
  


Eliott changed his clothes as quickly as possible. He was wearing the boarding school uniform all day. His feet were tired of wearing those dress shoes. His trousers, just as his shirt was wrinkled. So he took a pair of black pants and a black shirt along with a sweatshirt. A little cold was out, the last remnants of snow and last Christmas were already starting to disappear. Nights were no longer as icy as they were a few days before but still blew a pretty strong air that could send anyone to fly at the least expected time. Okay, he was exaggerating a little, but as his mother said, "Better to prevent than to regret." And then he headed as fast as he could to the building school. The road was dark, it was already after seven o'clock at night so with the help of the flashlight his cell phone Eliott was able to light up the road so he did not hurt himself with some rock or stumbles. He climbed the steps to the music room in two, hastening his way as best he could until he was in front of the door. Two brown wooden doors. Eliott spun the doorknob of one of them and pushed it slowly trying not to make much noise. He didn't know if he and Lucas would be alone or if there were more people there.

And that's when he saw him. The boy was sitting on the long bench of the piano. His elbows were resting on his knees and his face was hidden in his hands. The boy raised his head as he heard Eliott's footsteps approaching him. He stayed away from him until Lucas sketched a small smile inviting him to approach to where the young boy was. And that's what he did, he sat next to him. Lucas was a little thinner than he was a month ago. There were dark circles under his eyes, his blue eyes still glowed a little under his eyelashes. His hair was more messy than usual and his lips were red. He was sure that Lucas been biting them a lot and that's why they were now that color. Both stood there, sitting, seeing each other, memorizing every little detail of the other's face, sharing the company, letting the comfortable silence between them fill with a quiet melody. It's always been like that with Lucas. He felt so at peace. So comfortable. At home. It was warm.

"Sorry to keep you waiting." Lucas told him, his voice was a little hoarse.

Eliott shook his head and wet his lips before speaking. "No, I got a little lost on the way here. Sorry I'm late."

Lucas laughed under denying with his head. The boy lowered his eyes to his hands. He was laughing. Eliott's chest was filled with pride when he heard that sound he loved so much. "You're a fool."

"I've been told many times, believe me."

Lucas raised his eyes meeting Eliott's. His gaze was more serious than before. And in his mouth he drew a thin line. "I'm sorry I walked away like this." Eliott was going to start answering that he didn't have to apologize, that he understood, but Lucas placed his hand on his stopping him. "No, I acted like a big idiot and you didn't do anything wrong. I'm sorry I've acted that way these last few weeks is just that everything has been too much."

"You can talk to me." Eliott assured him, took his hand between his own and hugged them. Lucas' hand was cold so he started stroking them trying to warm them up.

Lucas sighed and bit his lower lip in a sign of nervousness. "My mother was sick too."

"Of what?" Eliott asked him while stroking the boy's hand.

"She had schizotypal personality disorder." The boy was silent before he kept talking. He was taking all the courage he had inside him and Eliott understood him, he knew how and he felt that so he laced his fingers his fingers with Lucas's assuring him that he could keep talking that he was going to stay there with him until the end. Lucas moved his eyes, which until that moment had been lost at some point in the distance. "She married my father when she was twenty-two years old and she was so in love, I like to think that it was, she didn't talk much about him. And I was born a year after they both got married, she was twenty-three and my father was about twenty-nine. He left us a year when I was born. He didn't gave a reason, he just disappeared. My mother had enough money from her family to dedicate herself to being a housewife and that's why she raised me and I was studying at home with her, we spent all our time together, she loved telling me stories and even taught me to play the piano, we both played some songs together. She knew how to speak three languages so she taught me to count to a hundred in Italian." Lucas smiled at the memory and Eliott couldn't help but smile too. "My mother was very intelligent, the prettiest woman there was. And when I was about six, that's when everything changed." Lucas's blue eyes were filling with tears at the time and he lowered his gaze perhaps trying to concentrate on not letting tears shed.

It was the first time Eliott had looked at Lucas that way and he was breaking his soul. It was a cold feeling that was running through his body. Not being able to alleviate that pain that Lucas was feeling inside him. 

"It started out as a basic thing like she was locked up for hours in his room and didn't want to see anyone. Then she gradually moved away from her friends, and... of me. She had these beliefs that someone was watching her or sometimes she would tell me she looked at people, but no, there was no one else in the room just her and me. There were days when she woke up happy and cooked, sang and danced the same song over and over again, we did thousands of things together, we went out to visit many places and even convinced me once that she had " _superpowers_ ", and then there were days when she was in a bad mood, that she screamed for anything absurd, she bothered me with me, she punished me for not leaving things as she liked, were days when any gesture makes her explode from anger. And one day her "superpowers" surpassed her a lot," Lucas shook his head as if trying to erase the memory "until she was hospitalized and that's when she was diagnosed with the disorder. The doctors thought it was schizophrenia but no, they did many studies until they found the end result. That was when I was about eight years old. She was in that dark place in her head for two years. No one really knew what was going on in her head until the hospital interned her for her health and mine. I spent a week living with a friend of my mother's until child services managed to contact my father." Lucas slowly nodded again and squeezed Eliott's hand a little trying to reassure the older boy who now didn't know what to think. "They took me to my father. It was the first time I met him and well, things didn't change, he wasn't still interested in having any children and that's why he ended up here. In this boarding school."

"Lucas, I'm so sorry." The boy quickly denied.

"No, Eliott, I'm not telling you to feel sorry for me. I wanted to talk to you about this because I want you to know more about me. I want to share this part of my life with you." Lucas bit his lower lip again and sighed. "I was telling you the truth when I told you that my mother and I weren't very close. I haven't spoken to her since I went to live with my father. I'd tell you it's because my father wouldn't let me, but I wouldn't be lying to you, that wasn't why I walked away from her. It was because I was mad at her. I felt like she had betrayed me in some way. She always swore to me that we would be together, that nothing was ever going to separate us and that she would be by my side at any moment but it wasn't. At that moment I felt sad, angry, disappointed. I thought she had lied to me, that she hadn't kept her word and that she had abandoned me. Suddenly I found myself in a house I didn't know with a complete stranger who called himself my father but never looked at, he never spoke to me. I was lonely. So never look for her. I never went to see her at the hospital. I remember once I took a cab and went to the hospital but I never went in. I stood there looking at the building for about five minutes and then walked home. I never went to that place again. A part of me expected that she would look for me too, that she would make a little effort to contact me but again it did not happen. She never spoke to me, never called, not a message, nothing. I didn't hear from her until that day in the study room. My father called me and he told me the news. I thought the day I'd hear her name back, I'd feel something, but no, I didn't feel anything even when that man told me she was dead."

"It wasn't your fault, Lucas, you didn't do anything wrong."

"Of course it's my fault." Lucas’ eyes were filled with tears again. "I never looked for her. I was a child when she was hospitalized, I didn't know what she was suffering and I left her."

"You were a boy, you say it yourself." Eliott tried to convince him but Lucas quickly began to deny with his head.

"No." Lucas's voice sounded broken, some drops of tears were coming down his cheeks. "I was a kid at the time but then I grew up, then I understood what was happening and never looked for it. I kept ignoring her. I was a coward. I didn't want to see her not because I was mad at her, but because I was afraid. I was afraid I'd get to that place and not find the same woman I'd met seven years ago. I was a coward... I'm a coward." The young boy was silent for a few seconds. "I didn't even go to see her at her funeral. I got to mass but I sat back. There weren't that many people and I'm sure no one recognized me. I sat there for an hour listening to a father talk about love, God, life after death, then I saw some women go up one by one to talk about my mother. They said so many things about her and that's when I realized it was still her, but at the same time it wasn't her. There were a lot of things about that woman that had changed. Anecdotes from their days together that I did not share. Most of the women were nurses or friends of hers from a young age. And you know how I felt? Nothing, Eliott, I didn't feel anything."

"Lucas..." Eliott kissed the back of Lucas’ hand. The young boy passed his other hand over his face erasing the trail of tears.

"And I also went to the funeral. I didn't get close. I never saw her. I've never seen his face since that last morning in the hospital. I didn't want to see her because I wanted to keep the memory I had of her. I just put up with being at that funeral for about ten minutes and left. I went home, packed up and that same day I went back to boarding school. That same day... I went looking for you." The young boy sketched a small smile on the corner of his lips, Eliott also smiled a little at the memory of the two of them that night.

The first night he could kiss Lucas the way he wanted.

Eliott let go of Lucas' hand and instead took the boy's face in his hands, stroked the boy's cheekbones and cheeks with his thumbs. "Lucas, it's okay. The anger you feel, the pain, the guilt, whatever you're feeling right now is fine. We all go through difficult things and we all react in different ways." Eliott wet his lips and bit his lower lip before continuing. "You were a child, you just lost your mother and we're not all perfect, remember? You don't know what things would have been like with your mother."

"Exactly, I never gave him a chance. It could have been good."

Eliott shook his head leaving a short kiss on Lucas' cheek. "Yes, it could have been a good relationship but it could also have been difficult."

"I abandoned her."

Eliott again refused but this time he left a short kiss on the young boy's forehead. "You didn't abandon her. Your mother was sick. Didn't you suffer so much those two years that you lived together?"

Lucas raised his eyes meeting Eliott's eyes. They were pale blue. "Yes." That's all Lucas answered quietly.

"You have to let things heal and it's okay, sometimes, to get away from the people you love most for your own health."

"It could have been good." Lucas answered in a whisper.

"I know, baby."

"I could have been a better son."

Eliott kissed Lucas' other cheek. "We all make mistakes."

"I could have done things differently." He murmured Lucas more to himself than to Eliott.

"I know, we make a lot of decisions every day and we don't know where they're taking us but Lucas," Eliott raised Lucas' face for him to see better. "nothing that happened to your mother is your fault. She was sick. You wouldn't know, she didn't know, she hurt you, you hurt her, we're all wrong. You can still work things out."

Lucas frowned slightly. "How?"

"You're already doing it. You're talking to me, that's the first thing you have to do, talk, and then you have to forgive yourself."

"I couldn't." Lucas told him very confidently.

"Of course, you have to forgive yourself. It wasn't just you wrong, Lucas. You must forgive your mother too. You were her son."

Lucas lowered his eyes to his hands. "I'm tired."

"I know, you've been carrying that weight for a long time."

Lucas nodded and tilted his face aside, seeing the boy in the eye again. His eyes had also been a little tired. It looked like he hadn't slept in months.

"When was the last time you slept well?" Eliott asked him and he pass his fingers under Lucas's eyes, stroking the black circles that were drew underneath. 

Lucas shrugged his shoulders in response and then parted a little bit of him by putting his hand in the pocket of his trousers looking for something. He spread a piece of paper that Eliott knew well. It was a drawing, of the hundreds, that he had left Lucas in various places. Under the boy's door, in his backpack, in his locker, in his books, and he still had more drawings stored in his room that he had drawn for him but which he dared not give him. The drawing was a hedgehog that was holding hard at a thread of helium balloons. The animal was flying away into the sky and down looked at the small houses, the buildings and a mountain. And below, the inscription read:

  
  


_spread your wings and fly away._

  
  


Lucas smiled again while still seeing the drawing and turned his face to see Eliott again.

"Thank you, this has been the best." The young boy told him while he was smiling. It was a bit of a sad smile. This one wasn't like his other smiles. There was more sadness than happiness.

Eliott shrugged and he approached to the boy leaving another short kiss on his cheek again down to the corner of Lucas' lip leaving another kiss there. Lucas separated from him again and he swallowed saliva while keeping the drawing in his pocket.

"So you can count to a hundred in Italian." Eliott told him what made Lucas lower his eyes embarrassed but he was smiling a little, that sad smile had disappeared and now he was this, somewhat happier.

Lucas' cheeks began to paint a pink color. "Yes."

"And you know how to play the piano."

"Also." Lucas told him.

"Is there nothing else I should know? Do you have any twin brother? Any fetishes? Any tattoos?" Eliott questioned him in jest while looking to see him in the eye.

Lucas rolled his eyes raising his eyes. "No, you know not."

"Yes, I know, but you never know."

Lucas laughed pushing Eliott's shoulder a little with his, but the boy didn't move much from the place. "You were the first."

It took Eliott awhile to realize what Lucas was talking about. He took it a little by surprise but managed to somehow recompose. "Yes, I already knew that too." Eliott replied jokingly, but Lucas did not smile. His face was serious at the time.

"No, _you were my first time_. I hadn't been with any girl or any boy before you."

Eliott felt his eyes come out of his orbit at some point. He knew that he had been Lucas's first time, but the first time with a boy, not the first time. His first time. He had always assumed that Lucas was not a virgin. That he already had experience with girls, after all he met him when Lucas had girlfriend, Chloé and also assumed that she was not the first but that there was a long list of ex-partners. After all, Lucas was beautiful. Anyone was lucky to be with him.

Eliott swallowed saliva and cleared his throat before speaking.

"I thought you–"

"No," Lucas cut it before he kept talking. "No, I never."

Eliott's chest was filled with air. His heart was beating loudly and the blood running through his veins was making noise in his ears. Suddenly he felt a little dizzy but also happy. "I didn't know."

Lucas sighed and laughed at the expression of surprise and emotion that was drawn all over Eliott's face. "It's a secret I haven't shared with anyone."

"Thank you." Eliott replied in a whisper. It was a thank you they both shared. A word full of so many meanings that only the two of them understand. "Are you going to play something for me?" The boy asked after they were both silent looking at each other.

"No." Lucas answered with a smile on his lips.

Eliott opened his mouth in surprise. "Why not?"

Lucas laughed biting his lower lip without stopping to see him in the eye. "Because I haven't played the piano in years."

Eliott shook his head in response. "I'm not going to judge you, Lucas, let's do it for me."

Lucas let out a sigh and spun his whole body. Now he stood in front of the piano, and lifted the wooden deck exposing the piano keys. The boy passed his hands slowly over the keys, played some cluttered notes by testing each sound and then turned to Eliott with a little nervous smile.

"Play me a tune like your French girls." Eliott told him imitating the quote from the Titanic film. Lucas laughed again and lowered his eyes to the piano in front of him. His chest was infused with air and then he began to play. It was an impressive thing. The way Lucas' fingers moved around the black and white keys. The soft sound of the music filled every corner of the room. Lucas moved his head to the beat of the melody. It was soft, delicate, fine, it felt like a poem and the way Lucas touched it made him feel chills all over his body. The boy went down grades until there was nothing left. Silence filled the room. Just the sound of both of them' breathing. Until Lucas raised his eyes and met Eliott's. He could feel a little embarrassed, somewhat shy waiting for Eliott's answer but he was speechless. He didn't know what to say. That was _too much_.

"That was... amazing." Lucas’ smile grew larger when he heard Eliott's compliment. "You're amazing."

After that, both boys headed to the room area in silence. None of them said anything along the way. They both walked in silence letting the sound of the air, the trees, the animals, the distant voices of some people do their job. The night was still a little cold. They managed to cross the dark road with the help of both lights on the boys' cell phones. Lucas was still wearing the boarding school uniform. His black shoes were full of dirt, as was the bottom of his black pants. And his shirt was perfectly polished. Even so, it looked beautiful. But he also looked tired, worn down by the bad days the boy had had since his return. He could also see him in his too many companions. The recent events of Charles's death had touched an important part, a delicate fiber inside the boarding school.

"Do you want...?" Eliott told Lucas when they were both climbing the last stairs. Eliott knew that he would understand what he meant and he did, but the boy slowly shook his head while still seeing down where they stepped on his feet.

"I don't think it's a good idea."

A little prick of disappointment hit Eliott's chest. "You need a good night's sleep."

Lucas laughed and directed his eyes forward from the corridor which was already empty at this hour. Everyone was already asleep. It was after ten o'clock at night. "Your bed isn't exactly a cloud."

"No, but it might help." That's all Eliott said.

He believed that Lucas would reject him again and that each would go to their respective rooms but surprised him when the young boy walked through his door and kept walking beside him until Eliott opened his own door and let Lucas enter it. Eliott didn't turn on any light. From the window there was still a little light from the moon and he could see the boy by the bed unbuttoning his white dress shirt. So that's what Eliott did too, he undressed in silence until the young boy got into bed hiding his body under the blankets. And Eliott did the same.

He lay down next to him. Both lying on the side looking straight at each other. Eliott passed his hand through Lucas' forehead removing some locks from the boy's hair that covered that part of his face. And then he walked the bridge of Lucas' nose with the tip of his index finger. Despite the darkness surrounding them Eliott was aware of Lucas' bluish gaze upon him. His eyes grasping every detail of his face just as he was doing the same with his face. Drawing at night the strokes of his lips. Eliott hollowed out Lucas' cheek with his hand and he approached him. His noses rubbed a moment just like his lips. They were a few inches away. Lucas stuck their foreheads and closed his eyes for a moment.

"Eliott." The boy whispered to him.

He answered with a small sound that Lucas knew how to interpret very well.

"Could you hug me?" Lucas asked him after a moment of silence.

That's what he did. He walked away from him a little bit by stretching his arm so he could hug Lucas' back. The young boy now had his head lying on his chest and his legs were intertwined. The tip of Lucas' nose grazed his neck and Eliott lowered his face breathing Lucas' scent. Now the scent of him was so soft. It was almost vague. It was not like before it was soft but strong, it was there. No, now it was almost like it was evaporating. Lucas was stopping taking care himself of those days. The boy hugged Eliott's sides by bringing his body closer to him.

"I couldn't go to the funeral." Lucas said quietly. Eliott thought he meant his mother's. That maybe Lucas had forgotten to say more about that day, so he kept quiet by letting him keep venting. "I couldn't leave my room for a week. It made me nauseous just to think that he..." He meant Charles. "Manon kept crying. She was crying every night. It was awful."

Eliott slowly stroked Lucas' back trying to comfort the boy. And he bit his lower lip before letting out the question that had been going around so many on his head all that time.

"Lucas, why did you and he get along so badly?"

Eliott assumed that the boy would ignore his question because he was silent for a long time before he spoke again.

"It's complicated, Eliott."

"How complicated?" The older boy asked again.

Lucas let out a sigh and then rested his forehead on Eliott's neck. "Too much. There are things I can't tell you or I wouldn't know how to explain."

Eliott continued to look towards the ceiling of his room and decided he wouldn't keep asking about things Lucas didn't want to talk about. He won't push him. After all he had been honest with him a few hours ago. He had opened himself up to him and told him about a delicate subject. He told him about his mother. And while that made him feel better, knowing that Lucas trusted him also hurt him that the boy suffered so much. Now he understood why Lucas hadn't been scared when he told him about his bipolarity. Still he didn't want to be a burden to Lucas, he didn't really want to be a burden to anyone.

"Sorry." Lucas told him.

"Why?"

"Because there are things I haven't told you, because there are things I can't tell you and because there are things I don't want you to know."

Eliott kissed Lucas' forehead while stroking his back, he hug him more. "All right, Lucas, just rest. Sleep. Everything will be all right."

And the young boy sighed again from exhaustion. After a few minutes his breathing slowed down. The way he went up and down his back under Eliott's touch were paused. Lucas fell asleep quickly in Eliott's arms. But he couldn't sleep for a while. He stood there for an hour lying on his back with his arms circling Lucas' body. He was thinking all that time and circling everything Lucas told him that night. About his sick mother, the two years when they were both in the dark with that haze in front of them without knowing what was going on, not knowing what would happen to them. Also about his father, the man who abandoned his wife and newborn son and who only received him at home but never spoke to him. They never, assume Eliott, they had a good relationship between the two. And finally he thought about how Lucas felt, the death of his mother and Charles, in what he has lived in these few months. What he must have felt when he heard his step-sister suffer for her boyfriend. It was true, Daphné still talked about how Manon spent her nights crying and that suffering was not invisible in anyone's eyes. It was almost as if it was slowly shutting down in front of everyone. It was how Lucas was feeling.

* * *

  
  


The next morning Eliott awoke but the side of the bed where Lucas had slept the night before, and it was cold. There was no one there anymore. But this time he found Lucas' note on his desk, on top of one of his French books, the handwriting were a little less well taken care of. It was as if he had written it hastily in the morning, and it said:

  
  


_Thanks for last night._

_And again, sorry. Lucas._

  
  


Eliott knew instantly what Lucas meant by that last part of: "I'm sorry." He thought he knew what Lucas wanted to say to him with those two words, but he still felt that emptied in his stomach when he realized that things hadn't really changed much since last time. Yes, Lucas had opened himself up to him and had confidence in him, Lucas had shown himself as he was in front of Eliott's eyes but still could not be together yet. Lucas had many problems with himself that he had to fix and Eliott would give him all the time he needed. He'd always be there for Lucas, waiting for him, and Lucas would always be there, coming back to him. He liked to think that in the end the two paths would join even though they separated along the way.

The next two weeks passed like the other days before his meeting with Lucas. He would get up, bathe, eat, go to classes, fulfill his homework, study, look at his friends, Emma kept talking to him about her relationship with Yann and occasionally let go of some comment about Lucas. Most were complaints about how the boy wouldn't let her and Yann spend a lot of time together. That he was turning the third wheel now that he was alone. That she should have found him a girlfriend soon. That Chloé was a good girl and that he let her go. And she even told him about the little romance Chloé had with one of the gym teachers but that in the end the teacher had to leave because she "found a better job" but in reality the principal had hidden it as usual. Like always, like she hid almost everything from the parents.

"Are you all right, buddy?" Basile asked after seeing that his friend had long looked towards his plate of food and hadn't eaten much. Eliott simply nodded. "Will you not have eaten some of the meatloaf? I told you about that girl who ate it and got sick badly."

Arthur hit Basile in the back of his head as he looked at him with reproach.

"How many times do I have to tell you it wasn't the meatloaf? She was pregnant."

"It's still dangerous, you don't know if that meat is in good condition or how they cook it." Basile fought back.

Arthur turns his eyes in response. "And you're the first to ask for meat when we go to a restaurant."

"It's different, here it looks like they're trying to poison you on purpose." Basile told the blond boy in a low voice and saw everyone in an exaggerated way as if he were being spied on. Eliott could not help but turn his eyes also to Basile's absurd behavior.

The blond boy saw Basile with his eyes squinting. "And how would they want to do something like that?"

Basile shrugged and took his spoon, taking some mashed potatoes into his mouth. "Government experiments."

"That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said and you talk a lot."

"Make fun now, but when your body is stored in one of the refrigerators here, don't ask for my help." Basile replied as he pointed at Arthur with his spoon.

Arthur turned his eyes again, prompting Eliott to laugh in response. A few minutes after that Alexia and Daphné arrived together, and the blonde girl sat next to her boyfriend while the other girl sat next to Eliott in front of her boyfriend, Arthur.

"Where were you?" Basile asked Daphné.

The girl finished eating the piece of apple she had bitten. "We were helping to find Manon."

"Find her? Why? Is she all right?" He asked his friend again with a frown in concern.

Daphné nodded. "Yes, she’s fine. The thing is, the police came to ask some questions about Charles and I was with the principal when she asked me to go get her but we couldn't find her anywhere."

"And wher?" He was going to ask her again when Arthur quickly interrupted him by doing himself a little forward from the table to see Daphné better.

"Police? Did they come to ask about Charles?"

"Yes." This time it was Alexia's turn to answer. "They're doing all that research stuff and I guess they want to know more about Charles."

"And who did they call?" Eliott asked Alexia and the girl shrugged in response.

"To friends, Alex, Ingrid, Manon, maybe they also interview some students." Daphné replied to his question. "Charles was popular but he didn't have so many close friends."

"So they are doing the research." Arthur said as his eyes were stuck on the table.

Alexia sighed. "Yes, didn't you hear anything we said? They're trying to solve the case, just like the article said."

"But there's no point in them coming to ask questions here, they should investigate the family, they have to know."

Dphné quickly denied. "No, of course not, have you ever seen Charles' father here? His brother isn't even in Paris, they weren't close. Friends always know more than family."

"Charles was involved in anything?" Eliott asked and suddenly all his friends' eyes were on him.

"Involved as what?" Alexia asked him to clarify what he meant.

Eliott cleared his throat before continuing. "You said he drank, didn't he use drugs?"

"I think we all use drugs here." That's what Arthur said.

"Yes, but couldn't it have been involved in something stronger?"

Arthur shook his head and wet his lips. "No... I don't know, really, but I don't think it's something like that.” 

Basile had a frown while he was watching his friend waiting for the boy to continue talking. Arthur turned his eyes in response to that look. Eliott had learned that this was something Arthur used to do a lot of time when he was with Basile. "Come on, don't you guys notice? First they publish the news late. The death was in early January and the news was known until almost the end of January. Second, the family does not give statements about their son's death. And third, they're starting to investigate death so far. Don't you think that if the son of one of France's richest men loses his life in a suspicious way, the father would not be moving land, sky and sea to find the killer? Something's going on here."

"Arthur, it's not like our country has the best police in the world." Daphné replied.

"I know, but at least they'd be doing more to know how Charles died. Because it definitely wasn't an accident or a suicide. And they made it very clear in the article they published, and they come to boarding school to interview a bunch of teenagers?" Arthur defended his point.

Basile let out a sigh. "This is not criminal minds, it's not supposed that they're going to solve the crime in less than twenty-four hours."

"I know, but at least if anything happened to me or any of you, we'd all be worried. But I don't see the same reaction in Charles's friends, let alone in his family." The blond boy said. "It is also very suspicious that Charles was alone the day he died or the night. The cleaning lady said she was coming back from her vacation and that there was no one. That means Charles didn't spend a new year with his family, his father or his brother, and neither Manon. Why wouldn't he be with Manon if they're always together?"

"Arthur..." Alexia told her boyfriend but he ignored her and kept talking. "Okay, maybe he wouldn't be with Manon that day, but why not with one of his friends? Honestly, have you ever seen Charles alone?" Everyone at the table was silent but Basile answered the question, he shook his head. "Exactly, just that day he died he had to be home alone. I tell you, something here is not right and not only in death but also on the part of all."

"It's best not to get into it, Arthur, they'll find out." Daphné advised him.

Instinctively and without much thought, Eliott turned his head trying to find Lucas. But at the table where he always sat there were only two people, Emma and Yann, and Lucas was nowhere to be found. Eliott was like this for a moment, watching and stopping to see the blue-eyed boy appear, but he didn't show up. His friends got up one by one until he saw Emma and Yann get up too and leave. Eliott sighed with exhaustion and realized he would be late for his next class if he didn't hurry. In the end, he didn't see Lucas that day as it was lately, every day the deep hole in his chest was getting bigger and bigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And as always, thank you for taking the time to read this story. I hope you're all right just like all your loved ones, and I'll see you next week!


	10. Chapter 10

"And did you have suspicions?" Aimée asked.

They had been sitting at that same table for more than three hours. The waitress didn't even ask them what they were going to order. She would only peek at the table from time to time and drop more coffee on their cups. It didn't seem like three hours actually, it seemed as if they'd been sitting there for years talking about Eliott's teenage times. About boarding school. About his friends. About Lucas. Eliott had completely forgotten how to pronounce that name and now he could not help saying it. Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas, Lucas. The way his tongue curved up and rested the tip of his tongue in the sky of his palate and then dropped. It was so wonderful. Lucas, everything he ever wanted and had but lost it.

_If only he could turn back time and do things differently. I would have told you what I didn't tell you and I would have done everything I was afraid to do._ Eliott thought.

"No, " Eliott replied to the girl who was still sitting in front of him "I didn't think much of Charles, if I'm honest with you. I didn't know him. He and I shared classes together, yet I never crossed the word with him and I had never seen him up close until that night at the party. I understood or rather, I understand, why Arthur was like that. Everyone was worried. Everyone was afraid." Eliott was silent for a second before he kept talking. "When you're young you think you're invincible. You challenge your parents. You fight everybody. You think you're better than others. Wiser. More importantly. Bigger, but it's not. Charles's death was like a bucket of cold water above all, you realize that nothing is eternal. Even when you're so young, death can still catch up with you. Nothing is forever. And everyone was afraid of that reality that no one had analyzed before. And on top of that, it was murder."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Everyone there was the children of rich parents. You may think it's ridiculous, but powerful people have many enemies in the world."

"Did you think it was a father's business?" The girl had her frown. The dark circles under her eyes were becoming more visible now that her makeup was beginning to disappear. The bags under his eyes were bigger.

Eliott swallowed saliva. "Not at first. Charles' father has money, why would he need to get into something dirty? His wife left him several bank accounts full of a lot of money. But then you start to analyze that yes, Charles was a troubled boy according to all the students and according to the principal and some teachers, but he had had no contact with anyone from outside the boarding school in years. Ever since he went in to study there. Who could do something like that to him? So that leads us to the possibility that it was someone inside boarding school but he was a popular boy but with few friends. Manon was at his parents' house according to his testimony. Alex was on the road just like Ingrid. Any enemies at boarding school? No one liked Charles but the thing was, who didn't like him so much, to the point that he killed him?"

Aimée's eyes were stuck on his for a long time. The girl opened and closed her mouth before she bit her lower lip. "Did you think it was Lucas?"

Eliott shook his head. A stabbing pain in his eyes threatened to drop some tears. "No, it never crossed my mind that he might be involved in all that but then..." Eliott again denied with his head trying to erase those thoughts.

"What made you change your mind?"

Eliott sighed wearily. There, in that same place where he was. Eleven years ago, he had been sitting talking to Lucas. By that time he had felt the luckiest boy in the whole world. He had told him about his bipolarity and Lucas had held his hand all that time without fear of anyone seeing them. Lucas had laughed at his bad jokes. Lucas had heard him talk about his mother, his father, his childhood, about him. Lucas had opened up in front of him and had let him see that happiness and that warm light that he hid many times. Lucas had bitten his lower lips, his cheeks had been painted pink, the heat inside them had become present and Eliott had felt at home. It was that moment that Eliott wanted to tell the boy that he love him, but he didn't do it. He let fate make sure the time came to say those three words. He had relied a lot on that fate.

And now he was there, eleven years later, sitting in front of a dark-haired girl talking to him about Lucas. Talking to him about the two in the past. A past from which he had not yet recovered and believed, that he would never be able to recover. He had left inside him a hot wound that was never going to end up healing. A scar he'd carry his whole life with. A reminder of all that fear, that cowardice, that insecurity, that pain, that happiness that he once had in his hands and he let it go.

What if I'd fought a little more?

What if I hadn't accepted a "no" for an answer?

"A boy heard the police talk about Lucas. They interrogated him and he had no alibi the night Charles died. Manon was at his parents' house and Alex just as Ingrid was out of the country for the New Year's Eve festivities."

"How? And that's why he started being suspicious?" The girl asked, her face had a lot of surprise drawn on her face.

Eliott nodded again with his head. "Yes, they thought that perhaps Lucas had decided to spend those days with a friend and that he had stayed to sleep in some house but they asked some of Lucas's friends. Emma, Yann, Arthur and even Alexia were asked if Lucas had spent the night with any of them but no, no one could say anything. No one knew anything about him during the holidays because he never answered our messages. Those days Lucas disappeared. And the whole picture didn't paint in his favor."

"God, did Lucas know he was being investigated?"

Eliott shrugged. "Honestly, I don't know, probably yes because it was the most talked about at boarding school. And suddenly a case where someone wanted to hurt the Munier family by murdering their son became a teenage affair."

"But on, based on what? Didn't he go out one night to drink or meet people he didn't study with?"

He sighed again. That was the part he least liked about all this. "On the basis of the two of them always having that rivalry."

"Do you mean–"

Eliott cut it before she kept talking and pronounced the name of the person he knew so well. The name of the girl with brown hair, pale skin, light green eyes that at first glance could pass through brown color but up close was like seeing the grass in spring or the trees first thing in the morning. The girl who wore red lipstick and who gradually all the colors that previously characterized her, gradually disappeared and she only became a trace of what she had previously been.

"Yes." Eliott wet his lips before continuing. "I thought it was ridiculous. Lucas and I were together, or, that's what I thought. But he walked away from me. I knew that at some point whatever we had was going to end. And that some of us or both of us were going to get hurt. But it was so suddenly, when I felt he was gone. We still greeted each other, we still talked, we still ate with our friends but it wasn't like it used to be. I guess we both quietly decided that it was all over and that we went back to the relationship we had before, friends and nothing else."

Aimée under her eyes to her coffee cup and swallowed saliva before raising her eyes and meeting Eliott's. "And when did you begin to doubt? When did you think he was involved in Charles's death?"

Eliott bit his lower lip. "A few days after the 14th February party but people were already talking about it long before that night. I just didn't hear the rumors because that was it, rumors, words that some said and some denied and some others claimed it was true. Some made up stories of having heard Manon talk to Lucas or said things about secret plans. It was ridiculous. That Lucas that everyone was trying to draw in front of me wasn't the Lucas I knew. That I thought I knew. We're all trying to be understanding and not letting those things affect our perception of Lucas. He was hiding it well. If that ever bothered him, he never said anything. But after that night it all started to turn gray."

"What happened that night?" The girl had her elbows on the table and her arms were folded at the height of her chest.

"Manon put Lucas under everyone's eye."

Aimée's face was so easy to read at the time. There was so much frustration, anger, sadness, confusion crossing in her face at that moment that it cost Eliott a little to take the pace of his feelings. He knew Aimée knew the truth and Aimée knew he knew the truth. But if she knew the truth she wouldn't be sitting there in front of him, she needed the final piece, that part of the story that the police overlooked and Eliott did nothing to stop them. In fact, Eliott sat there and let the police believe themselves a story of rebellious teenagers.

"Did she say what happened?"

"No," Eliott sighed again. Tiredness was beginning to drop like raindrops on him. "she just threw a bomb at all of us on Lucas and that finished destroying everything."

The girl was silent for a long time trying to assimilate the words Eliott had just told her. Her eyes were on the table and then she rose meeting with Eliott’s. "Why didn't you like Manon?" Aimée asked Eliott. She took a drink of her coffee. 

"What makes you think I didn't like her?” 

Aimée sighed and dropped her shoulders down. She left her cup of coffee in front of her next to her notebook where she was writing some words or things as Eliott told her the facts of the story. "In addition to the obvious reasons." She said with a little smile. "By the way you talk about her. So far you've told me that you two only spoke once, but from the way you talk about her, I realize that wasn't the only time. That she was somehow involved in all of that, I know, I understand, but then she must have done something to you or Lucas."

Eliott let out a sigh. He had greatly underestimated this girl's intelligence. She definitely knew too much or maybe he was being very transparent up to that point with all his emotions. "Okay, yes, I don't like her."

Aimée nodded with a pleasing look on her face. "Why? What did she do to you?"

It's not what she did to me, it's what she did to Lucas. We haven't gotten to that part yet, Aimée, I haven't told you my part in this yet." Eliott breathed some air and then let his whole body tilt forward. In fact, yes, tiredness was becoming present. And he didn't know how much longer he could delay this talk. "I was also partly to blame in everything that happened."

Aimée frowned suddenly. An expression she adopted every time Eliott released a little confession. "How? You didn't know anything about what was going on."

"Precisely for that, I knew nothing, and I panicked and did things I shouldn't have done. Things that to this day continue to weigh on me."

  
  


* * *

"A five? Emma, who gets a five in literature? If you're allowed to use the book on the test, that should be useful in something." Imane asked her friend as she watched Emma's examination horrified.

"It would be useful if she really read it." Alexia replied to Imane instead of Emma. The chestnut girl pushed her friend's shoulder.

"It's the most boring book in life, I didn't even think to read it, even if they gave me all the money from the Vatican." Emma justified herself, had a small smile on her lips as she resolutely refused.

"Maybe it's an interesting read for your long weekend." Alexia suggested.

Emma sighed and was going to answer about how tortuous it would be to spend the weekend at boarding school when Daphné interrupted everyone present. "On Friday, you come, don't you?"

Daphné turned to see the face of all her friends. Emma, Alexia, Imane, Sofiane, Basile and Eliott all sat at the lunch table listening to Emma's complaints, Alexia's taunts, another complaint, Imane complaining about her friend's little interest in keeping her grades high and Daphné talking about the latest preparations for Friday's party. The fourteenth of February would be a Thursday, but the celebration of Valentine's Day would be Friday fifteen, and as always Daphné had taken care of almost all the preparations and had also distributed threats to all her friends that they could not miss the party.

All present nodded in response, just as Lucas arrived with his friend, Yann, and took a seat at the head of the table next to Sofiane and Alexia. Daphné sighed with complacency and then turned her face to meet Eliott's light blue eyes.

"You'll come too." The blonde girl told him as she pointed with her index finger at him in a threat. "Are you going to bring someone with you."

Eliott shook his head. "No, I'm going alone." At another point he would have lied to her or tried to see how he avoided answering that question, but he was honestly a little tired and for the first time was being honest with his friend about his love life. "And," Eliott added, also raising his index finger and pointing to Daphné. "I'd like it to stay that way."

Daphné snorted with frustration and turned her eyes in response. "Of course not, it's enough for you to walk with that long face. What happened to the girl? Is it over?"

Eliott swallowed. He didn't want to turn his face and meet Lucas' eyes, which obviously, like everyone else, was listening to the conversation he and Daphné were having within walking distance. So, he was honest again. "Yes, it's over."

"Then you have to go with someone. You can't go to a Valentine's Party alone." Daphné discussed it.

"HEY! That's discrimination against singles." Alexia protested to her friend.

"Why are you complaining? You're in a relationship. In addition, singles have three hundred and sixty-four days to be single, on Valentine's Day you must spend it with someone."

"Technically it's not Valentine's Day." Emma answered.

Daphné turned her eyes again. "It practically is." The girl raised her hands in a sign of surrender. "You know what I mean."

"They're both single and I don't see them complaining." Imane answered, as she pointed towards Eliott and Lucas. The young boy was eating some lasagna and shrugged in response to Imane's remarks.

"Whatever." Daphné responded and then turned again to Eliott. "I don't care what you think, I'm going to get you a date, you understand? It's frustrating to see someone like you walking alone through life." Daphné overreacted. Imane began coughing while trying to regain air. Daphné raised her eyebrow waiting for an answer from Eliott.

He sighed, and nodded. "Okay, but I don't understand why do you think I can't get my own dates?"

"Do you talk to anyone besides us?" Daphné answered him as her palms extended upwards she moved them pointing at all their friends. She had a good point there. "Don't worry, getting someone to go out with you is no hard task."

That same day, much later, in his last class he met Ingrid as she was coming in. He hadn't spoken to the girl since the last time before the New Year's Eve vacation. Well, long before that when she texted him, but Eliott almost never answered her or treated it at all costs not to meet her during class periods or in the corridors. But something, he wasn't sure what, he suddenly found himself in front of her. The sun-blond-haired girl had her hair held in a ponytail up. Her makeup concealed her whole pale face but her dark circles were still visible. Her lips were hurt. Maybe from so many times she's been biting them, and her fingernails weren't painted any color that day. She looked a little surprised by her encounter with Eliott, so he did his best to reassure her, giving her a little smile.

"Hello." That's all he could say at the time.

"Hello." That's all she answered.

"Sorry I didn't talk to you before with everything about..."

Ingrid quickly nodded letting him know that she understood what he meant. "All right, I really appreciate it. I wouldn't have known what to answer at the time."

"Then did I do well?" Eliott asked her doubting what his question was or whether there really should be one.

She sighed with relief and dropped her shoulders. "Yes, no problem."

Eliott hadn't really planned to approach her or talk to her. He was sure she was saying that just to free him from his guilt and not make him feel bad. Perhaps he should have approached her by the time he heard the news and offered her a shoulder on which she could lean. He knew, he wasn't dumb, that Ingrid and he didn't have any kind of relationship even as friends because he never allowed that to go further out of respect for Lucas but equally, even if they were just fellow the two, he could still be a good fellow and try to make her feel a little supported. Then, when Eliott found himself standing there in front of Ingrid he felt a little pressure on his chest and without it having much time to think or analyze things, he just let it go without paying attention to what he was saying.

"Listen, in two days it's the party of the fourteenth of February so I was wondering if you'd like to go with me. My friends are insisting that I go with someone and apparently they think I can't get someone by myself so..." Eliott explained to Ingrid and then raised his hands trying to clarify. "As friends, nothing more."

The corner of the girl's lips rose and her smile got bigger. There were still traces of sadness behind those heavenly eyes, but that smile on her face was a little hidden. "All right, Eliott, I'm going to save your ass this time, but you owe me a favor, okay?"

* * *

  
  


When Eliott broke the news to Daphné that his date would be Ingrid. The girl only saw him with open eyes and after a long moment when she was throwing that menacing look at him, she sighed defeated and accepted. The girl tried to convince him, just for a few seconds, that she had found him perfect match for Friday night, but perhaps she saw the determination in Eliott's eyes regarding dating Ingrid because she nodded again accepting that that battle could not be fought against Eliott. He knew why he was doing all this. Yes, he invited Ingrid out because it was his way of rewarding his absence during those moments that she needed more support, but also, he knew deep down that, there was another reason. He was looking for a reaction from Lucas. Something, minimal interest. Let the boy know that he had moved on and maybe Lucas would do something. Eliott was there asking Lucas for the first time to show him what his letters were in the whole business. If he was going to go on like he's done before or he was going to try something different.

That's how Eliott ended up at that party. It was the first party to be held since Charles's death, and not that pile of people was expected to be found. The place wasn't full of people. Not as much as at the New Year's Eve party, but enough. The place inside the small house was decorated with Valentine's things. Everyone was wearing some pink or red garments. Eliott's eyes burned so much to see that color. Lots of drinks, as usual, and loud music that made the floor of the dance floor tremble on his feet. Ingrid's hand rested on his forearm.

She was wearing black cloth jeans with a white strap top along with a black leather jacket that matched her pants. Her hair was straight and loose. The golden blond color as the sun fell above all her face and her eyes like a curtain. Eliott picked up the girl outside the girls' bedroom building. Ingrid was well-made, however, like all the previous times since Charles's death. Ingrid didn't wear anything extravagant on her face. A little base, eyeliner and masks. It was as if anything beyond normal attracted a lot of attention or it didn't feel right to use it. But she looked pretty. He wasn't blind either. Eliott had seen the way the boys looked for Ingrid, but she didn't seem interested in half of them, which is why Eliott was surprised when she began to show interest in him.

From far away Eliott could see Daphné's eyes seeing them in the distance. HIs friend was wearing a crimson-red dress and had her hair pulled up in a well-crafted ponytail that made her whole face look more delicate. Eliott raised an eyebrow as a way to throw a question at Daphné, but the girl sighed turning her face to the people she was talking to before meeting Eliott.

"I'll get you something to drink." Eliott told the girl. He did not wait for Ingrid to answer, only let go of her, and entered the house in search of something to consume.

When he found the place where all the drinks were he took the first bottle of vodka he found and served it in the glass, then drank from the liquid quickly without thinking so much about the heat that was burning his throat and stomach at the time. And he did the same thing again two times before he rested his hands on the table.

"Quiet, tiger." A voice told him and Eliott recognized. Emma. The girl had her cheeks on and her hair a little messy. She also had a mocking smile on her face when she spoke to Eliott. "I've never seen anyone drink so in need, and I tell you so."

Eliott under his eyes until drinks a moment before meeting Emma's face again. "I just needed it."

"Well, you're going to need the whole bottle, Ingrid, Eliott? Really, Ingrid? Why?" His friend asked him. There's no trace of that mocking smile left on Emma's face. Now she was serious, rather, somewhat annoying.

Eliott shrugged in response to Emma's question. "I knew her long before this whole thing was going to happen, and I just..." He did not quite know how to explain the situation without it being heard as something pitiful, poor, ridiculous, one way or the other Emma would notice. One thing he learned at boarding school is that Emma is very good at reading people, the girl may be ruthless but when it comes to something or someone who cares, she was very, very very very intelligent and observant.

"Stop, is she the girl you were dating?" Emma had come closer to him trying to make herself listen above the music.

Eliott quickly denied and took Emma's shoulders in his arms so that the girl would not go backwards. Yes, she was a little drunk. Not as much as last time, but her steps were already beginning to fail and that was only nine o'clock at night, if she kept drinking more in an hour she would be lost.

"No, Emma, I had nothing with Ingrid. Listen, " Eliott told her and moved her a little closer to him so she could see his eyes better. Emma bowed her face to the right and looked at him carefully. "she and I are just friends, okay? And she's had a terrible time this past month, I just want her to get a little distracted and for her to forget all that for a few hours."

Emma under his shoulders when he sighed and nodded, the expression on his face caused the dimples on the sides of his cheeks to sink further. Emma was beginning to open her mouth to answer him when a hand rested on his back and made him turn.

"Here you are, it took you a long time.” Ingrid's voice had a touch of funny when she told him.

"Sorry I was talking to a friend." Eliott replied as he moved a little to his right to give Ingrid room to see his company, Emma. Ingrid's smile fell for a few seconds when she met the brown-haired girl but then nodded again.

"Okay, I was just getting a little bored out there."

Eliott was going to apologize to her again when Emma interrupted him.

"I must go, Eli, I'll see you later."

His friend gently punched his arm with her hand, and turned around getting lost in the crowd of people in the house. The place was somewhat loaded with music, voices, laughter, conversations, couples holding hands, kissing, dancing. Eliott refocused on Ingrid, who had had the drink from Eliott's hand and was now drinking the vodka he had served her while, like him, she was looking where a bunch of teenagers were getting lost in the night.

"Do you want to go dancing?" She asked to Eliott. With a smile on the side on her face. Ingrid bit the edge of the glass with her teeth before giving Eliott time to protest and tell her no, that they'd better go out and get some air or talk, and long before he could deny the invitation. But the girl completely ignored him and was dragging him by taking him from the wrist to the dance floor.

The lights of the place changed in matters of seconds. They were turned on and turned off from time to time making the movements of the people around them look like in slow motion. Ingrid took Eliott's hands between her own and placed them at her waist. She came to him while still dancing to the rhythm of the music. He tried to concentrate on following the pace of the song that was playing from the speakers. It wasn't a slow song, but it wasn't rushed like the ones they always put at all the other parties. Eliott moved his hands around Ingrid's back and then let go of her by taking her hand and making her turn on her own feet.

Despite the high music Eliott could hear Ingrid's laughter. And they were like this for a long time, the two dancing, shaking their heads, their shoulders, their waist, their body completely, Eliott was trying to get lost among those people as he always did when he danced. Eliott laughed at the feeling of how dizzy he felt. He liked to dance even if he did it wrong but that night he didn't feel in all the mood to stand right there and get carried away by the music. He wanted to get out of there and see Lucas, who didn't even know if the boy had made it to the party or not. For the entire time Daphné was talking about this day, Lucas never said a word. Suddenly Eliott was filled with a wave of sadness when he thought that maybe he had done all this. He had mounted this great scene in his head. He had invited Ingrid. He had made her smile just because he wanted to make Lucas jealous.

_What an idiot._

Still once in a while Eliott would raise his eyes in search of the boy. Unconsciously and a part of him was still waiting to see him. Among that pile of familiar and unknown heads and faces, he still expected to see those blue eyes. A part of him was beginning to give up when he felt Ingrid's body much closer to his. He recoiled without much thought but found himself caught among the wave of people surrounding him both. And Ingrid was leaning forward when some screams were heard above the music. Some remained oblivious to what had been that sound, but others, like Eliott, raised their faces looking for where those allegations came from. Eliott was discussed for a moment whether to stay there or go out with the excuse of getting some air and going to see what was going on, so he decided that option two was much more attractive than the first option. And again more screams were heard. It was like someone was shouting full-throttle words.

Eliott let loosen from Ingrid's hands just like he did half an hour earlier when they both arrived at the party, and began to make his way among all the people. Some were already getting out like him to see what was going on. And when he got to the door, from a distance, he could see two figures he knew by heart. Next to the lake, near the pier, was Manon and Lucas. But Manon didn't look happy at all. On the contrary, her hands were rising hastily and forcefully as she continued to speak aloud. She was even angrier than the night Lucas and Charles met in the woods. Eliott's feet automatically approached the scene until he was a few feet away. Neither of them paid much attention to his presence because behind him came also some other students.

"Manon..." Lucas was telling the girl in a pleading voice.

"Enough, Lucas! I told you, you knew it, but you never listen." Manon was yelling at Lucas.

When Eliott got closer, he realized that the girl wasn't actually screaming at him an angry way but was a mixture of anger and sadness, her voice sounded a little brittle and from the corners of her eyes there were small drops of tears that threatened to fall on her cheeks at any moment.

"Hand, stop, please this is not… We didn't do anything wrong." Lucas tried to get close to Manon but the girl quickly backed away.

The girl was quiet for a long time, standing there looking at Lucas' face. The boy tried again to approach her but she dodged him moving back again.

"I don't like to see you like this, things..." Lucas brought his hands to his hair for a moment trying to control his breathing. "Manon, I'm sorry." Lucas said it in such a low voice that it made it almost impossible for some who were to be up to behind to hear it but Eliott could read it on Lucas’ lips. A word the young boy used to say very often. Always apologizing for everything.

But it seems that Lucas’ words did not have the same effect on Manon. The girl's face was turned on from one moment to the next, her jaw was clenched and her fists on the sides of her body made her knuckles turn white. The girl advanced towards Lucas with a force that caused the boy to turn back. Manon began to push him and punch his chest, some of the students quickly approached to help Lucas and try to control Manon. The girl moved her hair, her arms, without releasing Lucas' jacket. Lucas' stepsister let him go and she went backwards without me letting him go.

Imane was speaking in Manon's ear, but she didn't seem to be paying much attention to her. Her cheeks were now drenched in tears and her eyes were red, again. The girl let go of a big sob that she tried to shut up by biting her lower lip. Tears kept falling like raindrops. Then Manon swallowed saliva and still saw Lucas.

"It's your fault." Manon said, almost softly and then repeated it again loudly. "It's your fault. It's your fault!" Her voice sounded broken but pretty angry. Like she wanted to destroy everything just with those words. Her jaw was tighter than ever and she went back by releasing herself from Imane's arms. "It's your fault that Charles is dead, Lucas, it's your fault and no one else."

"Manon..." He began to say Imane trying to approach her but Manon kept walking backwards while still murdering Lucas with her eyes.

"It's your fault." Manon kept saying. Lucas was frozen in the place where he was. The young boy no longer tried to approach her or try to speak reasonably with Manon. Instead, it seemed as if he had stuck there, lost among his thoughts or feeling every word Manon had said to him until now.

And all the people, like him, also stood there listening to Manon's statements. In the background you could still hear the music of the party and some people talking in the distance but right there, next to the lake with Manon crying right in front of them, shouting that Lucas did something that caused Charles's death, that caused Eliott's skin to curl up and felt a little shiver behind the nape of the neck that he had never felt. And before Eliott had a lot of time to process all that information, Manon disappeared. The girl turned around and began running to the road leading to the boarding school bedrooms. Lucas, on the other hand, was still standing there. His eyes were still looking to the place where his stepsister had only been a few minutes ago. And that's when Imane approached him to talk to him that the boy managed to move his eyes and meet Imane's. He frowned a little confused and later saw behind her all the people who were also there, people who had witnessed all the discussion he had with Manon.

Lucas didn't see it. His eyes never met his.

And Eliott crouched his eyes and his whole body as far as he could and started to leave. He didn't feel it was right to stand there listening to that conversation. He didn't want Lucas to see him now, he didn't want him to know that he had heard what everyone heard. Already when he was out of that, big, group of people. He noticed that there were more people on the porch of the house looking towards the direction he was. Eliott began to walk to where the music was. He didn't know where his feet were going. He didn't know what he was going to do now, either. Go to his bedroom? Looking for Emma? Looking for Yann? Talk to Sofiane to go to Imane? He didn't know. His head was going around a thousand at the time. So many thoughts were traveling at a thousand kilometers per hour and none of them stayed long enough in his head for him to evaluate, analyze, discard or accept them.

His feet began to climb the porch bleachers until Ingrid appeared in front of him. Her hair was a little messy and some locks were behind her ears to prevent her hair from covering her face. She took Eliott's shoulder with one of her hands and tried to lower her faces to meet Eliott's eyes but he kept looking down. Towards his feet. He didn't quite know where he was.

"Eliott, what's going on?" Ingrid told him as she kept lowering her face to see him better.

Eliott raised his head and found Ingrid's green eyes that were inspecting him very carefully. "Lucas and Manon..." He took air trying to think about what he'd say now. "They..." He moved his body a little and pointed to where they were before.

Ingrid's raised eyebrows were coming down in surprise and her lips formed a little " _o_." "Is she here?"

Eliott nodded at first but then interrupted himself and denied. "No, no, she just left."

"Are you all right?" She asked the Eliott and without waiting for an answer she offered him a glass. "Take it."

Eliott took the drink she offered him. This time it wasn't vodka she was drinking but it was something like Cachaza but Eliott wasn't sure. The liquor warmed his entire throat to his stomach where he felt he was burning it slowly. It was a pretty strong drink but also sweet at the same time. Eliott couldn't help but wince a little grimace, which caused Ingrid to laugh a little while he saw it. There wasn't much left in the glass so he drank it all in one gulp.

He handed the glass back to the girl and she took it without stop seeing him carefully. "Do you want another one?"

Eliott nodded, and Ingrid took his hand as she had done just an hour ago and carried him in. She gave him another glass of that same alcohol that like the first one burned everything inside but also woke him up. And then another, and another, and another, sometime two drinks became four and he didn't know how much he'd had a drink. He just accepted them, just took them without thinking too much about them, and Ingrid kept giving them to him without asking a lot of questions. She only laughed from time to time every time he winced or moved his head denied trying to erase the itching sensation that was beginning to appear on his lips. Eliott knew he was a little drunk, but his tolerance for alcohol was very good so he could go on like this all night and still stand in front of all those people.

* * *

  
  
  


And one, two or three hours later, maybe? Eliott wasn't sure how long he'd spent dancing and drinking with Ingrid. He was just doing what he always did every time he was on a dance floor. He only let himself go against the tide of people, the music, occasionally Ingrid would turn him or stick to him but still a part of Eliott who kept thinking in the background of Lucas and every time his head approached that path he tried to go back, close his eyes and imagine that he was elsewhere, with other people and that everything that had happened that night and much earlier. After a few hours, when Eliott could no longer bear the pain in his feet and his body was beginning to tire. He and Ingrid went to the dormitories of the boarding school. Eliott accompanied the girl to her room. All the way to there she was talking, he wasn't paying as much attention, all his attention was focused on where he had to step to avoid falling.

Ingrid was in front of him looking at him now with all her attention waiting. They managed to get to her bedroom without any problem.

"Are you sure you can get to your room?" Ingrid asked him with a mocking smile on her face.

Eliott snlanted his eyes a little and nodded slowly. "Yes."

She nodded too but still smiling. Eliott did not remember how much Ingrid had drunk too, perhaps like him or a little less, but she was also having a little trouble standing up. "Are you sure? My roommate sure won't mind if you stayed."

Eliott denied this time but more quickly what made his whole body slightly dizzy and Ingrid held it with both hands on his chest. They were pretty close that Eliott could hear her breathing. The girl began to approach him, Ingrid's eyes were on Eliott's lips. And he could also feel his whole body approaching Ingrid's, tilting his face until they were both alone inches away, and without warning they both clasited their lips and kissed. It was messy, too hungry kiss. Eliott closed his eyes tightly trying not to think about what he was doing and getting carried away by the feeling of warm lips hugging his own and two arms surrounding his neck and attaching his body to her.

The girl was able to open her bedroom door with one hand and drag them both in and then close the door with her foot. Eliott made his way without releasing Ingrid from her waist trying to find the bed. Eliott's head was circling a thousand rounds at the time, his hands were on Ingrid's back, on her waist, his lips on hers. Her teeth bit his lower lip tightly, with despair she began to get rid of some clothes that both had. First the jacket then the shirt, and when she began to lower her hands towards Eliott's pants. He took her hands among his and placed them on his shoulders at the same time as he hugged her thighs and taking her to bed. He stood on top of her and held her wrists above her head. Eliott began to feel a warmth that he knew very well but this one was different, the heat only reached his crotch but his stomach –with all the sensations he once felt– were not.

And he wanted to cry.

There on Ingrid's lips, her groans, her legs hugging his waist with despair, there among that lust, Eliott wanted to disappear.

Eliott parted ways with Ingrid after a long time where they were both starting to have a hard time breathing properly, and he lay on his back next to Ingrid. The girl turned around by stepping aside and seeing Eliott better. Her hand was caressing Eliott's cheek carefully.

"What's going on?" Ingrid asked him, still see him in the dark. After a few seconds Eliott's chest stopped coming up and down quickly. His body still felt awake but a tiredness, a sadness, a knot in the center of his stomach began to appear as mist at night. "I don't feel well, I think I drank too much." Eliott lied to her.

Ingrid didn't say anything else. Silence was enough for her to understand that nothing would happen between the two that night. And instead, she approached Eliott by hugging his torso with his arm and laying his head on Eliott's chest. He, still seeing towards the ceiling of Ingrid's room, heard all the sounds coming out of those walls. Even there you could hear the air moving the trees, the music of the party in the distance, the night, the drinks, the dancing hours, the minutes of passion, everything was beginning to charge price at that time and Eliott was not going to fight. The dream came unannounced, and suddenly Eliott was being dragged into a heavy sleep.

  
  


* * *

  
  


He doesn't remember what he was dreaming. He doesn't remember when he fell asleep. When he woke up his whole body he was alert. That wasn't his bed. That wasn't his room. Next to him was a rather large, tall body, Ingrid. The girl was lying face down and her hand was next to her face, which was hidden under her golden hair. He carefully separated from the body and looked for his clothes. He collected his shirt, his jacket and his shoes, and in the dark he deal with much silence to put it all on. Already when he was outside the room and down the stairs of the women's rooms, it was that he lit his cell phone. It was two o'clock in the morning with twenty-four minutes. He must have fallen asleep for two hours in Ingrid's room, but it felt like it was five minutes. His body felt very sore and his shoulders heavy. His clothes reeked of perfume and alcohol, he sure looked very bad. He couldn't imagine what he looked like at the time and that's why when he got to the level where his room was, he decided to go take a shower. It was two o'clock in the morning, he was sure there would be no one else there to bother him besides he really needed to clean himself up.

His reflection in the mirror was pitiful. Messy hair, badly buttoned shirt, also had a little sucker in the corner of his neck that he didn't have at the start of the night. Sighing, he began to take off his clothes and took a towel from one of the drawers in the furniture. And by the time he walked into the toilets, it was too late to back up. There in the showers was a boy of small stature, thin body, brown hair. Lucas. His forehead as well as his hand rested on the white tiles of the bathroom. Eliott stood there for a moment watching the boy who stood with his eyes closed, letting the water fall on him. He looked so fragile right there.

In the end, Eliott had to do what he had come to do from the beginning. Take a shower. He lit one of the first showers a few feet away from Lucas and began his work taking all the time in the world. He rinse his hair carefully and also his body, unable to stop turning to see Lucas from time to time. He didn't want to disturb him, but the boy didn't look good from where Eliott was. He had seen Lucas naked many times, his hands would recognize the path of his body anywhere but the Lucas he looked at was different. There was no sexual desire there just a desire to be able to hug him and never let go of him. A desire to kiss every part of his face and let him know that he is ok, that everything will be fine, but he could not, and in a cruel and sad way, Eliott had to remember that.

Lucas was no longer _that_ part of his life.

Lucas finished bathing also slowly and heavily. He turned off his shower and took a towel by placing it around his waist. Just as he was going to get out of the showers, Eliott placed his hand on Lucas' chest stopping him.

"Lucas..." The young boy went a little to one side, pushing Eliott's touch away from his. And for the first time, after a long time, he was looking him in the eye. His blue eyes where he had once found much peace he was now unleashing a storm in front of him. His jaw was a little tight and his eyes as cold as the ice were challenging him to tell him something at the time. Eliott swallowed and his mouth turned dry. He had no idea what to say. I'm sorry, but why did he feel it? This will all be solved, how did he know that?

_I miss you._ Eliott thought.

Instead, Lucas didn't wait long and left. He went on his way out of the showers, and after a short silence Eliott heard the bathroom door closing.

  
  


* * *

  
  


"After that I didn't see him for two weeks." Eliott told Aimée as he had another drink of his coffee.

Imée nodded. "Yes, I know, I read in the reports of his studies that he was absent until almost half of March." She moved the pages of her notebook trying to find some annotation she must have made a while ago until she stopped in front of a page, examined it in detail. "On March sixteen he returned to boarding school, " the girl raised her eyes meeting Eliott's. He already knew what she was going to ask at the time. "But that's more than a month, did you see Lucas before?"

He let out a sigh. "Yes, I went to look for him at his house."

The girl rested her elbows on the table and she went a little further forward paying attention to what he was going to tell her at the time. "After the feast, the next day, neither Manon nor Lucas were. The truth is that my head was somewhere else and I didn't want to think much about Lucas even though my mind was just going back the night before. So I believed, or in my subconscious I believed, that Lucas and Manon had gone to spend the weekend with their family but then the next week it happened and we didn't know about either of them. Emma broke the news that on Friday night Manon had an accident."

Aimée moved her head with great enthusiasm letting him know that she knew that part of the story. "The car one, isn't it?"

Eliott was silent for a long time thinking about how the story should continue. “And the two of them didn't get to study for those two weeks. The truth is, I was already starting to get a little uneasy and to worry. And I tried to communicate with him, none of our friends had managed to talk to him all that time and call him so many times but he never answered. That's when I decided to go get him."

He dropped his gaze again on the things in front of him, on the people around him, and finally in Aimée, who was going to hear a confession. She would hear his darkest and most shameful secret. "And to this day I still regret that decision. I was stupid. It was a stupid decision."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am honestly very excited for the next chapter. And as always, I hope you are well and your family too. Thank you for your comment, your kudos and for taking the time to read this story. See you next week!


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter has angst, so always be careful. And if you don't want to read that then you can skip it and go straight to the notes below where I'll sum it up.

"The days leading up to my visit to Lucas' house were like a slow, torturous hell. I was having a hard time sleeping or concentrating on anything but him. At the time I no longer bothered to know if our..." Eliott had to swallow saliva before saying the word he was about to say. God, but not in a thousand years he figured he was going to be saying these things. "our relationship still had a chance. At the time all I cared about was whether Lucas was okay."

"How were you?" Aimée asked him, her eyes were more worried now.

"Honestly?"

Aimée nodded and she bit her lower lip waiting for the answer he would give her question.

"Pretty bad. I started to have a lot of anxiety and stress. And I wasn't the only one having a hard time at that moment, our group, Lucas's friends were also beginning to be affected by that situation." The girl remained silent only listening to what he said, so Eliott continued without her asking any kind of question. "Rumors, that Lucas was involved in all of that, only grew. What happened at the party was soon news from everyone, something that was talked about and discussed a lot at all times. At first everything was fine, we tried not to affect the way we look at Lucas, but you could see that all those words were slowly starting to filter out in our friendship group. Yann was quite worried about Lucas, like me, he had no word from him."

"Why did you think of going to his house and not waiting for him to come back?"

Eliott shrugged in response. "I was very scared that something had happened to Lucas. Manon didn't return to boarding school, but that was normal if he'd just had a car accident, but Lucas? Why had he stayed home and he always told me he hated being in that place? He didn't love his father and I didn't know what his relationship was like with his stepmother, but if that was his relationship with his step-sister, he couldn't imagine that lady and he were on good terms together."

Aimée bit her lower lip again and under her eyes down Eliott's face, his neck, his black shirt that had some spots on the corner of the bottom. Eliott had to wear an apron like his students so as not to stain his clothes but he never did, he didn't feel comfortable or didn't feel the same when he tried to hide. He liked to feel the painting, the canvas, everything, he liked to feel the art in his hands. It was magical. A sense of indescribable pleasure every time he took a brush and let his hands move on the blank canvas to bring something new to life. He painted, he still did it from time to time and also occasionally exhibited his works in some small gallery but since Lucas, it had taken him a long time to return to those old habits because every time he took a pencil, his hands, automatically, they would start drawing known lines and Lucas would end up there. The portrait of a boy with a smile on the side on his face and rogue eyes.

Eliott had destroyed much of those drawings. In his head he sometimes wanted any memory of Lucas to be erased and disappeared from his life altogether but quickly repented because that meant that any memory of happiness or the good things Lucas made him feel was also going to disappear. And where there used to be a comforting heat, there was only going to be a cold hole.

Aimée raised the corners of her lips, forming a small smile on her face. "You loved him very much." The girl told him. It was not a question, it was an affirmation in which she sounded very sure of her statement but also sad.

A knot was forming at the bottom of Eliott's throat and he nodded. "Yes." And then a smile that sounded more like a gasp escaped from his lips without him being able to stop it. "If he had asked me that I would jump out of the largest building in the world I would have done it, if he had told me to run away together I would have done it without thinking twice, if I had to face a battle against many men I would have done it because I could, because I wanted to, because when I was with him, he made me feel that I was able to do everything he proposed to me and that had never happened to me with anyone else just with him. He was..." Some tears began to appear in front of his eyes and were making it impossible for him to see well, everything around him looked more blurry. He shook his head and hid his head in his hands, letting the tears go down his cheeks.

Both stood there in silence, letting the words float among them. Eliott wiped his tears off his cheeks with the side of his hand and shook his head trying to clear his mind from all those memories of that night.

"Lucas," he continued to speak. Aimée's eyes were worried but also filled with a pity that Eliott knew very well. She must be thinking: _Poor boy, still suffering from a teenage romance._ And Eliott understood it, he also sometimes thought about how pathetic and ridiculous he could see as he dragged a person's memory for eleven years. And there was a time when he thought all that would happen, that he would meet a girl or some boy and that he could get married, have a family but whenever he was dating someone, whenever he was with that person, his head went to other places he didn't want to go and the idea of spending his life with a person other than Lucas seemed so wrong. It seemed like a complete farce to him and to the other person, it did not seem fair to him that he had to force another to live always in the shadow of a memory. "he was the best person I had ever met. And there are no words that describe how I felt being with him and I like to think that he also felt the same way being with me."

Aimée smiled sadly drawn on her lips and her eyes, dark as night, were watching him carefully at the time. "I'm so sorry."

"Why?" Eliott asked her, he with his eyebrows pursed above his forehead.

"For what happened."

Eliott sighed and crouched his shoulders, almost all his chest on the table trying to make the girl see him better and listen to what he was going to tell her. "No one knew what was going to happen. What you're feeling right now, all that sadness, that frustration, that anger, the helplessness, that feeling of emptiness." He bowed his head a little to the right. "It's a feeling that you get used to living with and sometimes... There are days when you get up and it hurts less, and you feel like you can move on but then there are days when the pain is stronger, most unbearable to endure and you feel that getting out of your bed is too much effort."

Aimée's frown began to gradually form in front of him. "Did you ever have an episode while you were in boarding school?"

Eliott moved his eyes back from the girl. Where people were eating, talking, laughing, asking for their food or calling a waitress to take care of them. It was already after seven o'clock at night. Outside the restaurant the sky was painted a dark blue as the depths of the ocean and the night was already making its appearance of the day.

Eliott saw Aimée's eyes again. "Yes, but that was much later. We haven't gotten to that part of it yet."

Aimée nodded quickly and moved his hands over the lid of his notebook, which was now open with the pen in the middle of the two blank sheets that were ready to be filled with words and memories. Memories that Eliott had tried to erase for eleven years but as he had told Aimée, every time he felt he could get on with his life there was always a part of Lucas that dragged him back and stopped him before he could continue. She took her pen in her hands. "How did you find Lucas' address?"

"Yann gave it to me."

"But Yann never told me that." Aimée told Eliott. There was a lot of doubt in her voice, so Eliott did his best to try to clarify the questions she had without it being necessary for her to tell him.

"Maybe because I never told him I went to see Lucas." Eliott wet his lips and finally bit his lower lip a moment before continuing. "After the days passed and there was no word on him, I even went to talk to the principal but she didn't tell me anything. She just told me that she couldn't reveal that kind of information and that it was family matters. In short, she told me to fuck off and I should focus on keeping my grades. So I went with Yann, who could tell that the concern was eating him alive, and I asked for the address of Lucas' house. At first he told me that he didn't know, that he had never been to visit Lucas but it doesn't make any sense. Lucas was always a very reserved person with people he didn't know or had just met, so being friends with a person for more than six years and not knowing anything about that person doesn't make any sense. I told Yann we should go see him and then Yann told me it wasn't a good idea, that if Lucas hadn't returned to boarding school it must have been for a good reason. He didn't tell me what reasons might justify an absence of more than thirteen days. I'm really upset with him. I told him some things I didn't feel at the time."

"What made him change his mind?"

Eliott again shrugged in response to Aimée's question. He also did not, to this day, know what had changed Yann's mind, and a part of him wishes, at times, that Lucas' friend had never done it. It wasn't Yann's fault the things Eliott did that night, but there was always that part of him trying to look for culprits. Blame others for his mistakes and the mistakes Lucas made.

"The next day I got up to school and found a note under my door. It was a blank sheet with an address written in blue ink. There was nothing but the address, it was not necessary for Yann to clarify that it was he who had left that note." Eliott explained to the girl.

She quickly nodded. She looked a little more alert about what he was telling her now. He assumed she was starting to receive new information. He was about to tell her something he had never told anyone. Yann should not have heard of that visit because besides Eliott never told him, Lucas didn't tell his friend either. Eliott didn't know whether to feel relief or sadness. Lucas kept all his words, his emotions and his thoughts about that night for him. Lucas decided to carry the burden of what happened on his own, as he always did whenever something difficult happened, every time he was hurt.

"I decided to go see him the same weekend. Lucas's house was not in Paris but in the north of France, in Lille. The place was more than three hours away from boarding school so I decided to go over there and stay for a while. I didn't plan on going back to school until I talked to Lucas. I didn't think much about what I was going to do when I saw him and that was my biggest mistake, letting me go out of fear and anguish."

* * *

Eliott took the first bus to Lille on Saturday at ten o'clock in the morning. That day he had to get up almost at eight in the morning to enlist his stuff, take a taxi from boarding school to the bus station so as not to miss the trip. He reckoned that if there wasn't much delay he could get to Lille at three or four in the afternoon, and actually, it did. The whole bus ride was sitting next to women. A woman on his right side carried a small baby in her arms, no older than a year, and had taken the seat facing the window so she could keep the little one distracted. Eliott didn't mind taking the other seat. And on his left side was a couple of lords over the age of forty who all made the whole trip was eat and sleep, more than all sleep.

Eliott didn't try any food all that time, and not only because he used to get dizzy and get very sick during road trips, but also because he felt nervous. He had no plans to do when he got to Lucas' house. Part of him wished a little bit that the boy wouldn't be there so he wouldn't have to face those blue eyes, so he wouldn't have to see that skin he knew so well. His whole stomach roared for a little food but he was also spinning inside him, and that made him feel even sicker than before. That's why when he arrived in Lille the first thing he did was go to a fast food restaurant. He ordered a lasagna and along with some cold tea, ate for a long time. He was sitting there in that restaurant, which only sold pizza, for more than an hour. His cell phone marked that he only had a few messages, mostly from his parents, and a few were also Emma and Alexia's. He had told them that he was going to his "grandfather" house that weekend and that he would return until Sunday. He wasn't 100 percent sure his friends had believed the story, but from what he could see they didn't suspect anything the moment he told them that little lie. He didn't know how they would react if he told them the truth, if they were going to bother with him, if they were going to convince him not to go or they would say things to him that would only make his curiosity grow more and in the end, they would be very upset with him.

A taxi driver didn't take long to find the place he was going. When he told him the address, the man only saw him from the rearview mirror of his taxi and nodded. The place where Lucas lived was a little far from the bus station and downtown. It was actually a colony full of large houses, all with the same white facade, huge gardens, gates that allowed to see the house from the inside. Some houses had fountains in the center of the entrance, others had nothing more than many plants, green grasses or paths full of stones. Eliott was astonished to only see the great places where perhaps families of two or three people lived there, were such large and beautiful houses that he was sure that a family of more than ten could live comfortably in any of those.

Lucas's house was no different from the other houses he had seen before and still, seeing on his left side, Eliott could see that there were hundreds of houses the same to travel but what made this different from the others was the number facing the entrance. It was the number that was written on the sheet of paper that Yann had left him and it was the number that he had memorized all the way to Lille.

His hands were sweating the moment he rang the bell and waited, a long time before a voice from the other side, a woman's voice answered him. "Who?"

Eliott went blank at the time. Who was it? Lucas’ guy? That title didn't belong to him a long time ago. Lucas' friend? He wasn't even sure that was entirely true. Eliott? This poor woman would have no idea who she was just by hearing his name. Eliott was a complete stranger there. Through his head crossed the idea of maybe turning around and leaving but had already made a journey of more than four hours there, he was already in front of Lucas's house maybe a few meters away from him.

"Hey, I'm a friend of Lucas's and I'm here to see him." That's all his mouth could pronounce.

There was another long silence before the same woman spoke to him again from the speaker. "Mr. Lucas is not here at this time."

Eliott bit his lower lip sharply and approached the intercom a little better. "Please, I've made a long journey and I really need... I need to talk to him."

The silence went on like last time. Eliott noticed that next to the door, among the vine plant, was a camera that allowed the person inside the house to see the face perfectly at the people knocking on the door. It was already over five o'clock in the afternoon but still there was still a little sun and shine in the sky.

"Sorry, young man, Mr. Lucas is not found. You can come back in an hour." It answered the voice again from the other side.

Eliott sighed and dropped his shoulders from the exhaustion he was feeling at the moment. "Could you wait for him, please?" Eliott pleaded with the woman he was talking to.

After another long time, a small sigh was heard on the other side of the intercom. "All right, wait a minute."

And that's what Eliott did. He stood there waiting until the gate door opened in an unlocking sound. He opened the door slowly and entered carefully leaving the door tightly closed as he entered. The road to the house was not so long, it was about twenty meters away. He walked the road while still seeing the white brick house with windows, too many of them, even larger looking out. With the high ceilings of navy blue, and the garden outside the house. In the center of the road was a green grass garden with some small trees, and a small fountain at the end of the garden. The lights were on and made the entrance light up from the floor. And on the sides of the garden were two paths that allowed the cars to circle the house to the back. It was very pretty but it was also intimidating how big a house like that could be. The wooden door opened and from the inside was a woman waiting for him. She couldn't be more than thirty-five. Her brown hair was well picked up in a ponytail and her skin was smooth, pale brunette color and her eyes were the same color as her hair, honey brown.

At the entrance were more porthole lamps and above the ceiling, a Renaissance painting was observing him. The walls like the ceiling were cream white. In front of him were wooden stairs leading to the second level and on the sides there was a large corridor stretching along the house along with some chandeliers. There were a lot of paintings, in black and white, on the walls of the corridor. There was no space that was not covered by any painting.

"You could wait in the living room." The woman walked down the right side and pointed with her hand an equally large room that had an armchair in the shape of a "L" gray coffee color, a fireplace and on top of it, a painting by Bartolomé Esteban Murillo, one that he knew very well and remembered that it was called: " _Children eating grapes and melon_ ". And a chandelier lit up the whole room. He turned to the woman, who was still behind him, waiting for him to get comfortable.

"Could I wait for him in his room?" Eliott asked.

The woman opened her mouth, she was somewhat surprised by the question he asked her, or rather, the proposal that he go up to her boss' son's room. He was sure that wasn't something all the guests she received will ask her.

Before she answers, he came forward trying to clear up the situation. “I wouldn't feel comfortable being here alone for a long time. I just want to wait for him to come back."

She nodded very well to what he meant. The place was very big, and he wasn't used to this kind of thing. They both walked to the foot of the wooden staircase. "It's the fourth door on the right." The woman explained. Eliott smiled at her in response and wasting no time he climbed the stairs to the second level. He counted each of the doors until he reached a wooden one, from the same height as the front door, and moved the knob slowly until he entered the room.

Eliott had imagined a lot of times what Lucas' room would look like. Maybe a place full of records of rock and roll bands from the eighties and nineties, some poster of "Collective Soul", a desk with some books on top or a messy bed with some dark blue duvet, the floor full of shirts lying around, shoes hidden under the bed, something of Lucas, whatever, something that said Lucas was there. But there was nothing of that. The room looked more like a guest place than a room since someone had lived almost a quarter of his life there. The walls of the same color as the house, white, the bed well made with hundreds of pillows on top of it, there was a piece of furniture with a phone and a black agenda. And a dark wood closet just like the bedhead. There was nothing else, the floor carpet was neat as if no one had ever walked on it. Everything there looked like a catalog of some hotel. It didn't look like a person's room. There was no sign of Lucas' life there.

Eliott swallowed saliva and sat in the armchair at the foot of the bed, and stayed there for a long time. About five minutes turned fifteen minutes and a half hour began to seem like an eternity. He didn't know where Lucas had gone, it didn't look like there was anyone in that house, or maybe there was, but he didn't hear a single noise around him. Eliott was debating with himself whether it was better to get up and leave, leave some note to Lucas that he was there or whether to wait a little longer. He didn't want to give up when he was already sitting there.

It was the sound of something coming from the outside that caught Eliott's attention. Outside, the sky was darker than before, the night was already starting to fall and the low light that the sun lit up half an hour ago gradually went out to the point where the sky was a dark blue and then gradually went to a light blue and until the end there were flashes of yellow. It was a very beautiful evening. And that's when Eliott realized he couldn't be there in this room for long. He didn't even know if Lucas would actually be back in an hour. A fear or instinct, a feeling he didn't know, he wouldn't know what, it told him that he had to get out of there better.

He wrote, in one of sheets of notebook, the address where he was going to stay that night and ripped it away by storing it in his pocket. He left the room quietly and did the same as he went down the stairs to the first level.

He searched both sides hoping to find the woman but there was no sign of her, until from one of the doors at the end of the corridor the woman came out.

She approached him, his face was serious as before but he could see that all traces of calm had disappeared.

"Sir, they're waiting for you in the studio." The woman announced to him.

Eliott was going to open his mouth to answer when he realized he was already open, and then he shook his head trying to focus on what was happening at the time.

"Did Lucas come back?" Eliott asked her, a little confused with everything that happened.

She didn't change her expression at all. Her hands were still resting straightly in front of her. "No, it's Mr. Lallemant who wants to talk to you."

Eliott had to swallow saliva, and tried to process the little information she had given him. He was going to see Lucas' father. He was going to meet that figure the boy had talked about so much to him. Suddenly, a desire to run out at that moment flooded Eliott's body but also curiosity, in the same way, wanted to meet that man, see him in the eye, know what Lucas hates so much.

The woman began to go to the door where she had recently left, she waited for Eliott to follow her but he came forward and took her wrist causing her to turn her face in surprise.

"Could you please give this to Lucas and tell him I was here?" Eliott pleaded with the woman.

She lowered her eyes to the folded sheet of paper that Eliott had stretched out before her and then she took it and kept it in her white, straight, neat apron she was wearing in the gray uniform.

"Don't worry, I'll get it to him." She assured Eliott.

He sighed as he nodded. He accompanied her to the studio door where she knocked on the door announcing their arrival. From the inside a loud voice was heard and then she opened the door revealing a room not as big as he imagined. It wasn't as big as the living room but it wasn't that small either, it was a long room but not so wide. In the corner of it was a desk in front of a huge window that could almost reach the ceiling, curtains on the sides. In the center of the room on the wall was a fireplace just like that of the living room but above the fireplace was a painting by Rembrandt, which Eliott did not recognize, pear was a man dressed in black with a hat. The man had his arms outstretched as if talking to the other man on his side, dressed in white. The man in white who had a sword in his left hand was watching it carefully, while in the background, there are many men dressed inside following them but there is a light. A small light that completely distracts the observer, is a girl dressed in white, who too she is interested in the conversation that the two men hold. The room is illuminated by fire from the fireplace and also from a high lamp that is located in the corner of the room next to the desk.

Lucas' father is in the corner of his desk when Eliott entered the room. The boy was so focused on seeing everything around him that he didn't realize that the man never took his eyes off him. Eliott did not know exactly what he was doing there or what he should do so, without waiting for an invitation, he took a seat in one of the armchairs that were placed in the center of the room.

Lucas' father drank from his glass that he had kept leaning on the table the whole time. "When I was told that Lucas expected visits from a friend, imagine it was the black boy, but I see it isn't." He came closer until the chair left in front of Eliott sat down. "You're new."

Eliott wet his lips before he spoke. "I've known your son for a while."

The expression of the man didn't change much. He still looked as if all this was very boring to him but Eliott could tell how his left eyebrow rose a little. "I'm really surprised. I thought that kid was useless." The man moved his glass between his hand slowly. "Not even to make friends."

He swallowed saliva, and could feel his jaw unintentionally beginning to grit his teeth. He was going to answer man when he himself came forward and kept talking as if Eliott wasn't there for an opinion, only to hear what he had to say.

"You should know by now. He has trust issues, just like his mother." He took another drink from his glass. "He told you about his mother." It was not a question that he was throwing at Eliott, it was a statement and he looked very sure of the statement he had given at the time. “Then you must know that she was a madwoman. The woman lacked some wires in her head, lost her sanity even more over the years and left me in the care of her son." Her son. He said that word as if it were of any object he was talking about and not of his own son.

"It's your son too." Eliott replied to the man.

"I doubt it very much." The man replied to Eliott. "His mother was a slut when I met her. I wouldn't be surprised if he wasn't my son." It was absurd because no matter how much Eliott hated that, Lucas was just like his father. He had the same blue eyes as Lucas, but they didn't look like his. Where there was a lot of love, happiness, warmth, in that man's were like a cold ice blue that at any moment they could send you to the bottom of the ocean and drown you right there. The man's hair was a chestnut color, not like Lucas's that was bright as if the sun itself touched him every morning. No, that man’s was an opaque, old brown, with some gray hair scattered around his head. As much as he hated that idea, yes, Lucas looked like his father but at the same time he wasn't. He could see Lucas become that big picture of him but in a much better version than he had in front of himself.

"He didn't tell you that part of the story, did he? As his mother put as many men in her bed as possible." The man raised his eyes from the glass are alcohol that he still held in his right hand and saw Eliott, a little shiver scoured his body from the back. He did not like the way Lucas' father referred to Lucas' mother, and he also did not like how easy it was for this man to read each of the emotions and expressions on his face. "Lucas is not so different from her in that regard." He took another drink his to stop inspecting every detail of Eliott. "He's always been a child... different."

Eliott frowned and placed his hands on his knees to try to calm down.

"A very strange boy. He never liked being with many people, unsociable, too shy, too sensitive." The way he sounded that, as if it were one of the greatest offenses Lucas could have had against his father. “He never served for anything, even to be a real man."

Eliott swallowed saliva and got a little ahead, he was ready to start telling him everything he believed in his words to Lucas when the man came forward to him and interrupted him even before he started.

"I don't know what Lucas told you exactly, but you have to know it's not true. I received him in this house with open arms and all he did all that time was spitting in my efforts. He's a poorly grateful boy, as his mother was, I gave her everything she wanted and she always found another way to satisfy her desires. Mental illnesses are inherited, according to what I have heard, and that you are not surprised that one day you get up and Lucas no longer wants to know anything about you, nor see you, nor hear your name because that's how it begins, a estrangement and then loses all the sanity that was left in his head." Man's eyes had not changed his boring expression, as if all that time he was talking about the weather, his day or just talking about unimportant things. "That's the way it is, sir..."

He realized that he was waiting for Eliott to tell him his name.

"Demaury, Eliott Demaury." Eliott replied.

"Eliott." The man said as if he were testing what the name sounded like in his mouth. Eliott had to suppress his urge to throw up right there. "It's a pity." The man told him in a weary sigh as he lowered his eyes to the glass.

Eliott moved a little in his seat, he felt a little nervous. "Why?"

"You made it very easy for Lucas."

Eliott could feel the frown on his forehead uttering more than before. The man rose from his seat and walked to his table where he left his hand resting on the glass with liquor. "It's time that you go."

He just stood there for a few more seconds watching towards that selfless, cold, tired figure that Lucas had told him so much about him. Those seven words were still ringing in his head loudly when he got up from the couch and walked to the door.

_You made it so easy for Lucas._

Made it easy, what? What did he make Lucas easy? Eliott's feet moved unintentionally to the front door, without realizing Eliott was already out of the house, rushing out without paying attention to anything around him. He felt a strong pressure on his chest that was causing his heart to hammer in a hurry, a lump in his throat began to form and made it impossible for him to breathe well. Small drops of sweat went down his temple and down the back of his neck. Without waiting long he began to walk along the block where several houses had begun to turn on their lights. From inside the illuminated windows drew some figures of people, some silhouette moving from inside from one side to the other. The cold of the night hit Eliott's back which, inadvertently, had taken the little suitcase he had taken with him from where he had left it, at the entrance to Lucas' house.

Eliott did not know how long he had been walking, how long he had spent looking up at the sky, feeling the night air, the noises of some cars passing until he reached a corner marking four different directions. He saw the small green and white sign marking the number of a street on the other corner of the street, and pulled out his cell phone dialing a taxi number. About twenty minutes later a car picked him up right there and took him to the small hotel Eliott had told him. It was actually a small condominium with apartments that allowed to stay overnight for less than twenty-five euros. It wasn't a five-star place, but it was what Eliott could afford at the time. In addition to not requesting any kind of reservation and everything was in cash or card, Eliott used the card that his parents had left him in case of emergencies and this was one of the cases.

The room was small. A queen bed with a horrible grey duvet and a small bunk bed on top, the carpet was the same dull and cold color as the duvet. The bedhead was dark wood and next to the bathroom door was the window facing one of the corners of the condominium. In the distance you could see the houses and the dark street. Eliott pulled out his cell phone in the hope of finding Lucas' message on the screen, but there was nothing there. Not a phone call, not a message, nothing. He lay on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, his stomach started roaring asking for more food. It assumed that it had been more than three hours since he last ate and did the same thing he did every time he made him hungry and did not feel like going for food, he turned around and closed his eyes. Perhaps when he opened his eyes again it would be the next day, the hunger will be gone as will the memory of Lucas’ father and all his words about his son.

A slut. You made it so easy for Lucas. A very strange boy. You made it so easy for Lucas. Mental illness is inherited. You made it so easy for Lucas. It's starting to get away from you. You made it so easy for Lucas. It's never served for anything. You made it so easy for Lucas. Even to be a real man. You made it so easy for Lucas. Too sensitive. You made it so easy for Lucas. He has trust issues. You made it so easy for Lucas. Just like his mother. You made it so easy for Lucas. He was always antisocial. You made it so easy for Lucas. She put as many men in his bed as possible. You made it so easy for Lucas.

"You made it very easy for Lucas." It was the last thing Eliott whispered before he let the dream push him deep down.

You made it so easy for Lucas.

The next thing that woke him up was the sound of the door. Someone was knocking on the door. Eliott was sweating a little. He had forgotten to open the window and it was raining very hard outside. The sound of trees moving to the rhythm of the air and thunder, made Eliott wake up more. And as he could, he got out of bed and turned on the light. Maybe it was much later than before, he wasn't sure what time it was but he doubted it was the manager or someone at the hotel so he leaned forward to the door looking out the peephole and in front of him was Lucas.

Eliott wasted no time opening the door. Lucas was wearing a black hoodie in sweatpants of the same color. His hair was messy and his eyes, God, his eyes were tired but also alert. Awake. Ready to go to what he had to do and say what he had to say. The boy looked smaller, his face was thinner and sharper than a few weeks ago and his lips were hurt so much that he was biting them. His hands were hidden in his hoodie pocket. Elliott saw Lucas' adam's apple move when this same gulp salivated.

"Can I come in?" Lucas asked. And Eliott moved aside, allowing the door to open more and so Lucas would enter the room. He closed the door behind the two and rested his back against the door.

"What are you doing here?" Lucas asked him quickly. He was a few feet away and his face was now full of anguish, doubt, worry. His forehead was a little wrinkled.

"Spending the night."

Lucas sighed in denial, his expression changed to something more serious. His posture was a little stiff. His shoulders raised, as if he were ready for some kind of hand-to-hand combat with Eliott. Eliott bit his lower lower lip, nervous from the look Lucas was throwing at him at that instant. "Enough, what did you come here to do?"

Eliott under his eyes to Lucas' shoes. "To see you." The knot in his throat that he had previously felt was reappearing, and he had to swallow saliva heavily for this knot to disappear.

"Why?" Lucas asked him again and Eliott could only shrug in response. He wasn't sure his voice would sound good if he spoke. "Eliott, why did you want something like that?" Eliott opened his mouth to answer him, but Lucas was quicker than he was. "You and I are nothing."

And the words. _I miss you_. It died before Eliott had a chance to pronounce it.

"What?" Eliott told the young boy.

Lucas' jaw was tight and his eyes were red. "You and I are not friends, Eliott, why do you come here? Why are you going to pick me up at my place? Why are you talking to my father? What do I have to do to stop you looking for me?"

"I don't talk to your father." Eliott said to Lucas. The boy didn't change his expression, on the contrary, it seemed that it just made him more angry because he approached Eliott. "I didn't talk to your father, he talked to me."

"I don't care, Eliott, I don't care who wanted to talk to who or what do you talked to. I don't care. I just want you to get out of my life and leave me alone, you understand?"

"No." Eliott replied to Lucas as he approached him too until they were a few inches away. "No, I'm not leaving until you tell me what's going on. Why didn't you answer my messages these days? Why do you suddenly forget all of us? Why didn't you go back to boarding school? Why all of a sudden, overnight, do you forget about me?" Eliott's chest was rising and falling more and more. He didn't know where all that anger he was feeling at the time had come from. He was the one who took a bus for more than four hours there, he was the one who went to wait for Lucas from his house, he was the one who had to have all the patience of the world with Lucas' father and had to contain the desire to break Lucas' father's face. He's the one who's done everything in that relationship to make it work, and Lucas hasn't done anything. Lucas got there and asked him to leave, to forget it without any explanation.

Lucas's eyes had small drops of tears under his eyelids. Eliott was so eager to pass his thumbs under those eyes and erase every trace of pain. "Talk to me, please." Eliott said quietly to Lucas. Their faces were a few inches away. Their breasts could be touched under the shirt he was wearing and the rain-soaked sweatshirt that Lucas was wearing.

Lucas walked away from him, his eyes wavered for a second as did his face, which looked more confused and tired than before. His lower lip was shaking a little. Eliott raised his hand and took Lucas' face among his but the young boy turned away from him without seeing him in the eye, trying to wipe his cheeks where some tears were now falling. Eliott approached Lucas again but he walked away again at the stroke.

"Stop, Eliott, leave me alone, okay?" He sighed and passed his hand through his hair which was more messy than he had ever seen it. "What happened between the two of us, you have to forget it, okay? It was stupid, reckless, silly, we had a good time and nothing else. You and me, you have to forget it. We were nothing, we're nothing, Eliott, we'll never be. You have to understand."

A blow, one shot, a stabbing, whatever, anything would have been a lot less painful than that. Eliott had never been shot but he was sure it felt more or less like that, a thief who comes up to him, pulls the trigger and leaves him right there, bleeding to death while he finishes stealing everything he has, all he is.

You made it so easy for Lucas.

You're making it so easy for Lucas.

"Why? You don't...?" Eliott didn't even feel he could finish saying that prayer without ending up on the floor consuming himself among his own gasps or tears.

Lucas shook his head quickly. "No, I'm not the person you think I am. I did something I shouldn't have." His eyes were softer now. More sad. A pale, cold blue, was flooding his eyes. A blue ocean where you can lie down and float to the end of the world.

And before he had time to think about what he was saying. Eliott uttered the words. "What did you do?" He asked to Lucas.

The boy, who until that point had been looking at every part of Eliott's face carefully, saw him in the eye again. Lucas's lips were a little in surprise, his cheeks were a little red, and his posture returned to the way he was before. His straight back and stiff shoulders.

"You did it." Eliott testified to Lucas. "You killed Charles." Lucas was completely serious and still, his chest slowly went up and down, his whole body was frozen there.

"Is that what you think?" Lucas asked Eliott, still seeing him in the eyes for a second.

All the rumors, the doubts, The strange behavior of Lucas with his friends, with him, Manon's words, the fight with Charles, Daphné's words about Lucas, the way Lucas looked at Manon every time she entered a room. Lucas's own words about Charles. And finally, the words of Lucas' father, you made it very easy for Lucas. Everything was going around and a thousand laps inside Eliott's head, who suddenly had to hold on to the first thing he had within his reach.

"If it's not then, what? Tell me." Eliott said quietly to Lucas but the young boy slowly shook his head.

"That's what you think, so that's it." The room was filled with a heavy silence and then Lucas walked to the door, before opening it. "Look no further, please, whatever you made up in your head is not real." Lucas told Eliott, his hand was on the doorknob and his eyes stuck in the door. "Forget everything." That was the last thing Lucas said to him, before he opened the door and got out of there.

Eliott didn't think he was able to move. His whole body looked like stones and his heart weighed so much inside his chest. The tears that once threatened to come out, they did, his cheeks soaked in water. His legs began to tremble and before Eliott knew, he was with his back leaning against the wall and sitting on the floor with his head lying on his knees. His whole body felt cold, emptied, he felt that he had let oxygen into his lungs, that the blood had stopped running through his veins and that at any moment he was going to die right there.

We were nothing, we are nothing, Eliott, we will never be.

That's what you think, so that's it.

Forget everything.

Something, a much greater force he did not know, kept him there for a long time. Impossible to move without him feeling that everything inside him was going to break into a thousand pieces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary of the warning: Eliott went to Lucas' house, which is a little far from Paris, but Lucas was not at home at the time. He met Lucas' father, who told him horrible things about Lucas' mother, like he was a slut, her mental illness, and he insinuate some of Lucas' things. Afterwards, Lucas meets Eliott in the hotel room where Eliott is staying and Lucas confronts him by telling him to stop following him. And Eliott tells him that he, Lucas, killed Charles. Lucas's leaving. 
> 
> Next chapter, I don't promise it's going to be better because I'd be lying. But as always, I'll see you next weekend and I promise you, I promise you, I swear to you, this is all going to be fixed soon.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, in this chapter some things are going to happen and well, at last they're going to know what really happened. The only warning is that it has a lot of angst, a lot, so if you just want to skip that part you can go straight to the bottom where I summed them up.

The days after that night are very blurry on Eliott's head. He spent a night awake, drawing, painting, home working or repeating lessons in English, French, mathematics, advanced work, filled his literature essay sheets. He would fall asleep at two in the morning, sometimes later, and then get up at five o'clock, take a cold shower, go down to the dining room and pick up an apple, a bar of whatever and a glass of juice and go to classes. He had become accustomed to being first in the classroom. All his attention was on that hour or two that he spent locked in those four walls with those twenty students. And then he did the same thing, he'd come out of class and lock himself up in another class. Lunch hours were spent the same, locked in the study room or library. Eliott realized that the only way he could stop thinking about Lucas was if he kept busy. If he didn't let his mind think of anything else.

Nights were the worst parts of the day. His head didn't seem to be so exhausted until after two o'clock in the morning. He didn't even feel the hours go by. The hands of the clock only advanced further and further in the depths of the night and his body could remain alert. His fingers were full of calluses. His dolls were always sore as were his neck and shoulders, for always being in the same position, tilted on the desk with his pen in hand, writing, filling sheets with numbers or letters, trying to concentrate on reading the physics problem in front of him. Trying to memorize biology lessons. Eliott would not go to sleep until he felt that his body would easily faint in bed. He wasn't going to go to bed and kept doing whatever he was doing until he was sure his thoughts weren't going to go that way. Into that dangerous area. That no-go zone.

He hadn't realized what he were doing until it was too late. It was that morning that he awoke with the sound of a voice, and he was hurt. His head, neck, shoulders, body hurt, he felt that even his lungs were going to come out of his chest at any moment. He was inundated with a deep urge to vomit. His throat was burning too much. And he opened his eyes as possible, and in front of him was Imane. The girl was kneeling in front of his bed and caressed his hair very carefully, as if not disturbing it.

"Eliott." She whispered to him. Imane had her head tilted to the right. The room was a little dark. He didn't know if it was dawning or it was already night, but he assumed it was the second because the girl wasn't wearing her uniform.

Eliott made a small sound coming from the bottom of his throat and closed his eyes again. He was tired. "Hey, no, don't fall asleep." Imane spoke to him again, she moved the sheets from his face. "Eliott stay awake."

"No." Eliott replied to the girl, at the same time he re-covered her face with the sheet.

"Eliott, please." Imane begged him. "You have to get out of bed and eat something." She moved the sheet again until she left it at the height of Eliott's chin. He still had his eyes closed.

"No." He answered her again.

She lowered her other hand to his cheek and moved his face a little. "Yes, you're going out, you're going to take a shower and you're going to eat. Eliott," he didn't answer her this time. "open your eyes."

"I'm sleepy." He told her, his eyes were still closed and his voice was still hoarse. His throat was hurting a little. He couldn't remember when it was the last time he drank some water.

"Eliott," said Imane with a slightly desperate tone. The girl passed her hand over his forehead removing some locks of hair from Eliott's forehead. "You've been locked up here for four days and you haven't been out of bed at any time. You haven't eaten anything we've brought you."

Finally, he opened his eyes and found Imane's worried face. Her eyebrows were contracted and her lips were forming a straight line. A huge sadness filled each part of Eliott. He could feel that knot, so familiar, in the lower part of his throat. The burning of a few tears in his eyes. He sighed and narrowed his eyes. He just wanted to keep sleeping. "I want to sleep."

Imane slowly denied and passed her thumb through Eliott's eyes and then through his temple, she was slowly delineating the boy's face, carefully as if she feared that at any moment he would break in front of her. It was so careful. A very affectionate feeling there. As an older concerned sister cares about one of her younger siblings. "What's going on? You've got us all very worried."

And it was at that moment that he realized the pain he felt was not physical but went further. It was emotional pain. A pain that was dusting him down right there. A pain so heavy it hurt just to move his body in bed a little bit. He felt exhausted. He felt he had slept a lifetime but at the same time he hadn't stuck an eye for four days. He had spent all that time hidden in those walls trying to silence thoughts. Eliott just wanted to know why? Why did it hurt so much? Suddenly he felt like he was four years old again, as if he had just lost the most precious thing and will need his mother's arms, as if he had been hurt for the first time, so unbearable. And it was. It was such a big emptied. A void that would never go away. And, after all this time, he wasn't sure how long it had been since that night he stayed on the floor of the room, he didn't know how long it had been since that time he cried so much that his stomach hurt just like his throat, but after all that time, Eliott cried again. It felt as when finally a wave reaches the shore of the sand. He felt like a little cry that had been deep in him.

Imane quickly got up from where she was, and without wasting time, she sat on the bed and hugged him. She round Eliott's shoulders with her arms and hug him tightly. Eliott could feel as if his body was falling into a huge emptied and the only thing that was holding him was Imane's body. "Here I am. Easy." Imane told him quietly, as she hugged him more tightly.

Eliott could feel his sobs getting stronger, as his whole body trembled more and more, uncontrolled, as the tears fell non-stop, his mouth felt the salty taste of that heartbreaking feeling that was consuming him alive. The pressure on his chest was dropping in every gasp he let go but was still there. Imane depots a kiss on top of Eliott's head. They were both there for a long time. Imane holding him near her and Eliott with his face hidden on her shoulder. Imane's blouse began to feel very wet against his cheek.

Eliott lifted his face a little and wiped his eyes with the top of his hand. "I'm so sorry." Eliott apologized to her. He wasn't sure exactly why he was apologizing. Because he worried his friends? Because he hurt Lucas? Because he let himself be excited? Because he worried his parents, too? Because he had an episode right now? Because he wet Imane's blouse with his tears? Because he's bothering Imane with this? He didn't really know why he apologized, some of those reasons or maybe all of them. He just felt he had to say those three words.

"It's okay," Imane assured him. She nodded slowly with her head without letting go of the hug the two had kept until now. And then she bit her lower lip before she spoke again. "I'm so sorry too."

* * *

  
  


"I was in my bed for another four days after that." Eliott told Aimée. "All that time I was in that episode, lying in bed just sleeping, I didn't realize that the boys had been in and out of my room, checking out how I was or leaving food that I obviously didn't eat. In the morning sometimes Basile or Arthur would come to see me, by noon Alexia would arrive or other days it was Daphné, and at night I was visited by Imane or Emma. Some tried to talk to me, left me food or just sit there for a moment hoping I was ready to talk to them, but it took me a long time. When I'm in a depressive episode I don't like to have company, it's like the whole exterior is too much for me and the simple idea of having to deal with something more than me, is very annoying. Then Lucas, the next person I told about my mental disorder was Alexia."

Aimée felt her coffee stirring with the spoon, still seeing Eliott's face. "Why Alexia?"

"Was she the only one who asked me." Eliott shrugged. "Everyone looked at me with those eyes of pity, worry, sadness, even with a little fear, but no one ever asked me what was wrong with me, except Imane but she, I don't think she meant that and if she wanted to know then she would have asked me again but she didn't ask again, and I didn't answer it. Alexia was the only one standing across me one day and asked me: What's wrong with you? And I told him."

"What about the others?"

Eliott under his eyes to his hands that were resting on the table, stretched out in front of him. "I had to tell them too. Last day, when I was feeling a little better, I told them. I also called my parents and I had to tell them the truth. They weren't going to believe the excuse that I was too busy or that my assignments, jobs, exams were consuming my time because even when one of the three were full of work, we still had time to call or text us from time to time. So I had to tell them that after more than a year without an episode, I had one. They worried, as usual, and that was exactly the last thing I wanted to do but I couldn't help it. I promised them I'd go to therapy that week, and I had to. They also wondered why after so long, but I couldn't tell them the real reason."

"Was it because of Lucas?" Aimée asked Eliott before she took a sip of her cup of coffee.

Eliott slowly shook his head. "No. He was a part but it's more than that. An episode can't be provoked by someone else, but it's the situation or sometimes it's your head that plays with you. In my case, in that case, it was myself who provoked it. I forgot to take my pills, I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, the anxiety, the stress, even the sadness I was hiding inside me. All that at some point exploded and it was what pushed me to have an episode after so long without having one."

Aimée placed one of her locks of hair behind her ear and sighed before laying her back on the back of the armchair. "And did your parents know about Lucas?"

"Yes," Eliott nodded this time and bit his lower lip. He hadn't realized that since he started talking to the girl, he's been doing that a lot. Maybe he had acquired that mania from Lucas after all. Maybe it was something he secretly did to remember the boy. "they did know about Lucas. I wish they'd met him. I'm sure my mother would have loved him and so would my father."

Both remained silent for a long time until Aimée spoke again. "Eliott, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to..." The girl had her mouth open, Eliott suspected that she was going to give him a small speech, a speech from those that he already heard a lot then decided that it was better to interrupt her before she would spend on repeating what he already knew by heart.

"But I want to do it. It's been eleven years, and you were right when you went to pick me up in the studio. Lucas deserves people to know what happened and people deserve to know what really happened. I know this is going to be a little difficult for you, I don't want to put you in danger but..." Eliott let out another sigh thinking of the right words to say it. "This morning I got up, made my food, took a bath and went to my job, today I did what I've been doing for the last eleven years. Trying to survive. Leading this life that doesn't really even look like mine. Looking in the mirror and finding this man in his thirties who hides. Even after all these years I was still afraid, trying to pretend like nothing to happen and at the same time I felt empty, Aimée, do you know what that feels like?"

She shook her head in response to the question he had asked her.

"Nothing." Eliott answered it. "You don't feel anything. I've carried this routine, this _life_ ". he said the word as with his fingers he marked quotes in the air "which does not seem like a life at all. Today, before you went looking for me, it felt like the day before and the day before that, and all the days before, it felt like I wasn't really living. Always hiding something, always afraid that something bad will happen again and I think it's time, it's about time for me to at least take all this out inside me, it's time for at least one person to hear what I have to say because if I don't do it now, Aimée, I'll never do it. I don't want to forget this. I've tried for eleven years and I haven't made it, I'm never going to make it and if at least saying it out loud it's going to do any good. At least telling a person the truth is going to make me feel lighter and that all this was worth it for something, then I'm going to do it."

Aimée nodded with a small smile on her lips. "Okay, but if you need to stop."

"I know, thank you, really." Eliott replied, also with a little smile of gratitude to her.

"The episode, when did it happen?"

Eliott bit his lower lip inadvertently again. "I don't remember very well, it was like in early April. After I left my episode of depression, a few days later, Lucas returned to boarding school but we hardly saw each other. In fact, we never saw each other. He was like a ghost, you heard him everywhere, but you never saw him. But just as he avoided me, I did the same thing too. At that time I was already tired, there was still a part of me that wanted it but I was also exhausted. It was pretty obvious that he didn't want to hear from me, and it wasn't going to make it difficult for him so I decided at last to take a step back and maybe forget it."

  
  


* * *

  
  


May arrived much faster than Eliott expected. The rains were increasingly present during the evenings but during the day, the sun warmed the wet grass and fed the flowers. Spring was being very grateful that year. Eliott would take the evenings to read a little and then, at ten o'clock at night, he would turn off the lights in his room and lie down watching the ceiling at the same time as he heard the raindrops fall from the window. The smell of wet land had always been a pleasant memory of his childhood. His mother used to joke that if you liked the smell of wet dirt, it was because you had worms in your stomach. The first time Eliott heard those words, he was so frightened and not by him but by the worms, what would they eat? Wouldn't their family miss them? Did he have a whole family of worms inside him? His mother noticed his strange behavior after he spent almost an entire week eating only fruit. And that's when Eliott told her he was worried about how the worms would survive, his mother only laughed heavily at her son's occurrences.

Years later, Eliott still liked that story. Worms in the stomach only because the smell of wet land. 

The days passed without thinking much about something other than his studies. He attended therapy with Dr. Sætre and tried to talk to her about what happened to Lucas but he couldn't. Every time he thought of the blue-eyed boy, he felt like someone was pushing his head under the water and cutting off his whole breath. So he didn't talk to her about it. He was trying to focus on other parts of his life.

Your life. The one you had before Lucas. How did you live it? You will do it. Eliott, you're young. This is not the end of the world. That's what he repeated every day.

Up to mid-may he was with Imane, Basile and Sofiane. The day was pretty warm and warm, much cooler than other days gone by so the three had voted to go to eat outside the cafeteria and go for lunch at one of the tables outside the building. Basile was complaining again about his biology homework and also making a bad imitation of Mr. Peeters. Everyone was laughing, except Imane, who was staring at Basile, and it was at that time Daphné appeared but she did not come alone, beside her was Emma but the latter girl stopped Daphné and spoke to her before turning around and returning to the building. Daphné sat next to Basile. He could tell she was a little worried, but Eliott didn't ask her. He didn't want to assume it was Lucas, maybe it was something related to her classes or some event that Daphné was planning and he the better ignored it.

Eliott said goodbye to his friends and went to class that afternoon, but it looked like everyone was a little nervous that day. Eliott continued to ignore it. He tried not to listen to what his classmates were saying on the other side of the room, and he also did not pay attention to the conversations some students had in lockers or bathrooms. Eliott didn't want to know anything that could create more anxiety or unnecessary stress. It was time for him to start taking care of himself, but apparently that wasn't in his plans that Tuesday afternoon.

He was finishing writing an essay for his French class when someone knocked on his door, and without waiting for an answer, the door opened revealing Emma's head.

And again, without waiting for an invitation to enter, the girl came in closing the door carefully. "Hey, Eli." The girl took a seat in bed, her arms were lying on her thighs and her fingers were playing with her fingernails. 

"What are you doing here?" Eliott asked her friend jokingly, but she did not smile.

Emma hesitated for a few seconds before answering him. "I know you and Lucas don't talk as much as you used to, but have you happened to see it?"

Eliott shook his head as he walked away from the table, approaching her a little closer. "I know you and Lucas don't talk as much as they used to, but by chance, have you seen him?"

Eliott shook his head as he walked away from the table approaching her a little more. "No, I don't know anything about him."

Emma turned her face to the right by looking out at the window. She looked very worried, her hands kept moving in front of her. Eliott hesitated before ask her. "What's going on?"

She sighed tired and didn't turn her face, she kept looking out the window as if she waited for something or someone to magically show up there. "They're looking for him."

Eliott felt his eyebrows began to frown. "He will appear, always disappears."

His friend took her fingers to her mouth and started biting her nail and lower lip. "I don't know, he's neither in his house nor here." She answered him, and then turned his face meeting his eyes. Eliott had never seen Emma so worried before and for a second, it frightened him. "I don't think so." She told him but it seemed more that she was responding to herself.

Eliott swallowed saliva strongly. "Why are you looking for him? I'm sure he's out for a few hours. Don't worry, Emma."

Emma stopped biting her thumb nail and scratched her forehead by passing her hand through her hair. "Eliott, we're not looking for him, nor are his parents looking for him, he's being sought by the police."

There was a great silence in the room before Eliott could speak again. "What? Do they want to question him or...?" He wasn't even sure what he was going to say, but Emma quickly began to deny with her head.

"I don't know, they came in this morning with an order, I think, Yann told me but I didn't see it. And they didn't find him. He's been missing all day."

There were many questions running through Eliott's head in a second, and he didn't know where to start.

He assumed that he was silent for a long time because Emma got out of bed and was talking to him but he couldn't hear very well what she was saying.

"Emma," Eliott called her. The girl stopped halfway through the door. "Was he here yesterday?"

She nodded quickly. "Yes, the three of us had dinner together in the room and Yann says Lucas was in his bed this morning but when the police came a few hours later they couldn't find him anywhere and they called Yann but he hadn't seen him after the second class either. He says Lucas came out and didn't come back." His friend cast one last worried look at him before she left and stopped before closing the door. "Please, if you know anything about him, don't tell anyone."

  
  


* * *

  
  


After Emma left the room, Eliott finished doing his French homework and tried to advance some other work he had to deliver the other week but his mind had no room to think of anything but what Emma had told him. He was going around a thousand times and another thousand laps of Lucas’ business. Disappeared. Why did he disappear? Was he really to blame for Charles's murder? Eliott didn't want to think about that night because whenever the memory returns a wave of sadness fills it completely. Lucas's words when he told him, he sounded so disappointed but angry at the same time. Eliott was in his bed for a long time until he better got up and put on a sweatshirt and shoes. He wasn't much to go out at night but something inside him, something he wouldn't know exactly what it was, was pushing it up and it was telling him to go for a walk. Maybe if he did a little exercise his body will run out and he could sleep without Lucas' name going to prowl his head.

He went down the stairs of the building and headed towards the cabin which was a few miles away. The night was a little warm that day. The trees were beginning to let their leaves bloom, the flowers were opening their cocoons. The heat and rain of some days was making spring much more pleasant that year. Eliott came to the cabin and sat on the pier. The lake was in front of him. The stars of that night could be perfectly reflected along with the moon in the lake. There wasn't a single cloud in the sky. It was such a quiet night but still, inside, in Eliott's head was a great disaster unsusing.

He was there for a long time. Alone, sitting looking out into the lake in front of him. His ears did not record any sound until he heard that voice that he had tried so many times to erase from his memory, that voice that at night and by day haunted him.

"Can I sit down?" Lucas asked Eliott.

The older boy jumped a little in surprise when he heard it but then turned his face a little to the left so he could see it through the corner of his eye. He looked much smaller, younger, softer than Eliott had ever seen him.

"What are you doing here?"

"I had to talk to you before." Lucas bit his lower lip and then turned his face meeting Eliott's eyes. It was the first time in so long that Eliott would see those eyes he had dreamed of for so long. "I had to tell you I'm sorry."

Tears began to appear in front of Eliott's eyes, and he had to lower his gaze for a second. A large weight was installed on his chest and a known pressure began to appear. "I'm sorry." Lucas continued to speak. “I didn't mean to hurt you..."

"Why did you do it then?" Eliott asked. His throat felt so dry at the time, and he had to swallow tight along with his tears. He couldn't afford to cry now, he couldn't let his feelings dominate him at the time when he had Lucas by his side trying to be honest for the first time.

"I can't−" Lucas began to excuse himself, but Eliott stopped him.

"Stop, Lucas, stop all that shit. You say you don't want to hurt me, but you don't talk to me. You don't tell me what's going on. You told me to leave and disappear from your life." Eliott had to suppress the gasping that was to come out of his lips. The pain he felt in uttering those words was like a blow to his entrails. "And now you tell me that everything wasn't true. If you don't want me to get out of here and never come back, then you have to start feeling a little more honest with me."

Eliott's voice had come a little louder and angrier than he intended him to be. Lucas was silent for a long time. His eyes full of anguish, his forehead wrinkled in concentration, his fingers moving in his hands nervously.

"I'm sorry too." Eliott testified to Lucas. He let out a sigh. Lucas's eyes met his eyes. Now he looked a little more interested and confused, as if what Eliott had just said was in another language. "What I told you that night, it's not true. I don't think you killed Charles. I think you're a boy with so much light, with so much love, someone so good he's suffered a lot. That the world has hurt you so badly. You've been hurt by the people you love the most and trusted the most, and that makes it harder and harder for you to open up to others. Letting others help you, but I'm not like that, Lucas, I wouldn't let you."

"You don't know that." Lucas interrupted him.

Eliott nodded in a hurry and tried to approach him slowly, Lucas did not move so he interpreted as a permit to keep approaching.

"Give me a chance to show you." Eliott begged Lucas. The boy lowered his eyes but Eliott placed his hands on his cheeks holding Lucas’ face so that he could see him in the eye. Tears were falling in those sky blue eyes.

"I can't, Eliott." The young boy took the neck from Eliott's sweatshirt. "What I told you that night is true, I did something wrong."

Eliott rested his forehead against Lucas's and closed his eyes for a second, letting his senses be filled with Lucas’ closeness. His scent. His heat. From Lucas' breath stroking his face. "I don't care. I only care about you." 

A sob came out of Lucas' lips, and Eliott opened his eyes trying to wipe Lucas’ tears with his hands as he left small kisses on his forehead, his nose, his cheeks and finally grazed his lips with Lucas's but then roo his cheeks and hug him tightly letting Lucas collapse in his arms. The boy was shaking uncontrolled against his chest. His hands clung tightly to his sweatshirt and his head was hidden in his neck as Eliott felt as pieces of Lucas were falling into his hands and as he was willing to take them each in his hands and try to repair it. Maybe it wasn't something that was going to be an easy task, maybe it would be something Lucas had to do for himself but he would at least be there to help him.

"I was there the night it happened..." Lucas told Eliott. The older boy had a hard time understanding what he said because his voice was dampened by his clothes. Eliott was going to ask Lucas what he meant with that night, but he stopped suddenly, and he only listened. "On December twenty-four, on Christmas Day, we had dinner like every year. My father, Manon, her mother and Charles, but that day Charles and I fought so Manon left with him in the middle of the night. That's something they used to do a lot, fight and Manon would go with him and then the next day or in a couple of days she'd come home." Lucas tells Eliott. The older boy kisses the top of his head letting him know that he was listening carefully. "But that time she didn't come back, I was very worried about her, that something bad had happened. That Charles would have hurt her. No one else was worried about her, and they weren’t going to worry, I was not going to stay without doing anything, so I went looking for her." Lucas’ voice broke for a second, Eliott hugged him tighter by bringing their bodies as close as he could. "When I arrived, it was too late and Charles was sleeping. I was asking Manon to come with me, to leave, I told her the same old thing. I asked her to leave him, that he was hurting her, that she didn't have to stay there but she didn't listen to me, I swear for a second I thought she was going to leave him. That she was going to leave everything and go, but no. Charles came and he... He wasn't well. He had drunk a lot and began to behave in an exaggerated way."

Lucas is silent for a few seconds and then sighs heavily. The young boy rests his forehead against Eliott's neck. Eliott passes his hand through his hair with great care and affection. "All right, Lucas, I'm here."

The young boy armed himself with all the courage he had. "He always believed that Manon and I had something." Lucas parted a little from Eliott until his eyes met. Lucas's eyes were red and a little swollen so weeping. Eliott had to control his desire to approach the boy's face and kiss each of his eyelids. "She and I were boyfriends before our parents met and got married." It was noticeable that Lucas was making a strong effort not to break right there, his forehead wrinkled again and he wanted to lower his eyes but Eliott passed his hand slowly through his hair claiming some locks of hair from his face. "I always had that feeling that was different from others but not only because of my mother or father, not because of my past but because I was different. And try so many years of repressing it, try it so hard."

Eliott nodded letting Lucas know that he knew exactly what he meant. "All right, you don't have to be ashamed of who you are."

Lucas also nodded and some tears continued to fall down his cheeks. Eliott picked up each of them with his thumbs. "And Manon knew it, she was the first person I told her." Lucas explained to Eliott. He bit his lower lip before continuing. "She didn't mind helping me. We were very close, until she met Charles because our parents started working together. Manon told me that she was in love with him and, at the time that bothered me a lot, I felt again abandoned and I felt that again I was not enough. From there Charles thought that she and I had something, that I was in love with her or something." Lucas frowned and quickly denied, but Eliott wouldn't let him walk away just held him more. "He was never good to her, she is like my sister, Eliott. Seeing the way he treated her, it killed me not being able to help her, but she didn't want my help. The Manon you see, it's not the one I knew. She was so confident, more cheerful, stronger, I shouldn't have allowed her… She told me she was going to tell everyone the truth if I kept trying to get close to her."

"Lucas, you don't have to tell me what happened that night." Eliott reminded him of the younger boy.

"I need you to know because I can't do it anymore." Lucas carried his hand to his chest and made a fist in his shirt. Eliott knew what he meant. That feeling that cuts your breath and burns you inside. "It's my fault what happened. I should have stayed with Manon from Charles, I shouldn't have let her start dating him, I shouldn't have walked away, I should have stayed with her and protected her but again, my pride, my feelings, my pain, I overcame and distance myself from her. I left someone who needed me again."

Eliott took Lucas' hand and while he shocked with his head trying to make Lucas understand that he was wrong, Eliott kissed every knuckle in Lucas' hand. 

"Charles told me to go, leave Manon alone and that she didn't want to hear from me. He pulled a gun out of his father's desk, and I swear Eliott, I was going to leave, but something stopped me. I wasn't going to leave Manon anymore. I was tired of being a coward. I was exhausted from running and hiding, so I stood there, so Charles blamed Manon for everything that was going on and..." Lucas breathed air trying to control the tears that were falling by his cheeks, his lower lip was shaking uncontrolled and his back was shaking through the tears. "And Charles hit Manon very hard, she..." Lucas was struggling very hard to try to control himself, so Eliott drew Lucas’ face to his chest and he hugs him in the back by sticking their bodies as close as it was possible. Eliott tried to let Lucas know in that hug that he wasn't alone, that Eliott wasn't going anywhere, that nothing he would say would get him away from Lucas. "Treat him, Eliott, fight him. I tried to get it to stop and it all happened so fast." Lucas had his face hidden in Eliott's sweatshirt. "At some point when Charles and I were fighting, Manon shot... And the bullet gave to Charles and then she shot him again."

Manon.

"Lucas," Eliott told the younger boy and he took his hands to Lucas' face trying to get the boy to lift his face and meet his eyes. Lucas's eyes were red, his cheeks soaked, his whole face was soaked and his cheeks were red, his lower lip was still shaking. "Lucas, Lucas, look at me." Eliott asked Lucas. The boy raised his eyes by meeting his own. "You didn't do anything."

"I took the gun out of Manon's hands and we got out of there… I told Manon I was going to protect her." Lucas kept talking. “I told her nothing bad was going to happen to her."

"Lucas, you didn't do anything. Manon can say it was self-defense, she was trying to help you. Lucas," The younger boy began to deny with his head quickly. "Lucas you're innocent, you didn't do anything."

"No, I can't." Eliott could feel his heart squeezing more and more and his anguish gradually growing. Everything can still be fixed. 

"Why not? Lucas didn't do anything wrong." Tears began to fall down Eliott's cheeks. And his hands clung tightly to Lucas's cheeks, not allowing the younger boy to deflect his eyes from his own.

"Why not, Eliott, because my father sold me!" Lucas replied to Eliott. His hands were made of a fist in Eliott's sweatshirt but then he raised his hands taking Eliott's jaw. Lucas' chest was rising and falling faster and faster, but gradually began to calm down. "My father is not a good man, Eliott. He works in the Prosecutor's Office for a long time and throughout his career has received bribes from criminals, accused people of crimes of which they were innocent and," Lucas paused for a second, his frown frowning in concentration before continuing "Charles' father knew it. Charles' father's in a lot of illegal business that I can't tell you. I'm putting your life in danger by telling you these things−"

"Why did your father do that? Why did he sell you?" Eliott's heart was beating hard against his chest and his hands were shaking a little but he swallowed saliva trying to make all the fear he was feeling at the time disappear.

"Charles' father knew that Manon and I were home the night Charles died. My father made a deal with him, handed my head over in exchange for him not saying anything about the corrupt dealings my father has done." Lucas explained to Eliott.

Eliott opened his mouth to talk but no sound came out of his mouth. He couldn't believe what Lucas was saying at the time. "You have to tell the police..." Eliott passed his hand over his face and by his hair trying to remove the frustration he was feeling. It couldn't be real. "Manon has to tell the truth! You can't go and give your life to those men, no... your father can't do that!"

"He did, Eliott, he didn't turn Manon in. He couldn’t do something like that. I..." Lucas moved his face to one side looking towards the lake, where the moon was still reflected in the cold water. "I can't tell the police, they won't believe me. My father, I don't know, I don't know what "evidence" the police have against me."

"What are you going to do? You can't turn yourself in, Lucas, you didn't do anything wrong." Anger, frustration, helplessness, pain, everything was crushing Eliott heavily. He rolled around Lucas' wrists with his hands forcing the younger boy to see him in the face. "You can't do that, Lucas, and if you don't turn yourself in."

"No, if I don't give myself up..." The younger boy tightly hugged Eliott's sweatshirt by clinging tightly to him. "I'm not going to turn myself in, Eliott. I have to go."

Eliott quickly shook his head out of control. "No, no, no, you can't leave. You can't leave me."

The younger boy had his forehead wrinkled and his eyes filled with tears. He swallowed saliva, perhaps trying to make the knot disappear in his throat and be able to talk to Eliott without his voice breaking halfway. “I have to go. It's my only option."

Eliott rested his forehead against Lucas, whispering to him in supplication. "Then don't leave me, please."

"I'm not leaving you, I couldn't." Lucas assured him, in a whisper.

Both stood there in silence, the tears of both drenched their own cheeks. Eliott grabbed Lucas' neck trying to hold on to him, not allowing him to disappear and leave him. Lucas also had his hands placed on the sides of Eliott's face trying to wipe out each of Eliott's tears. He felt that at any moment his soul would come out of his body and he would never return again. It was a nauseating feeling.

"Take me with you." Eliott proposed to Lucas.

Lucas separated his foreheads and saw Eliott better in the eye. There was still a lot of pain in his eyes but at the same time, his face was serious. Like he wanted Eliott to know he was serious at the time. "No, I can't force you to give up your life for me. This is my problem, not yours."

"You're not forcing me to anything, I want to go with you." Eliott's heart was beating harder and harder. The idea of living without Lucas, indefinitely, was something that frightened him so much. "Let me go with you."

Lucas' eyes were getting more and more glassy and his lips were red. "No," answered Lucas. Eliott at that moment let go of him and got up, didn't know what he was going to do? Turn around and tell Lucas to fuck off? Lucas did the same thing and took it by the hand, stopping whatever Eliott was going to do. "this is not forever. Listen." Lucas asked Eliott as he took Eliott's face in his hands so that the older boy would see him in the eye. "We'll see each other again, and," Lucas's voice broke down but he inspired air before speaking again. "and we'll be back together."

Eliott opened his mouth for a moment and closed it again. He felt that everything around him was shaking, he felt dizzy, he felt that at any moment he was going to faint right there but Lucas's warm, soft hands kept him on his feet.

“Do you promise?" Eliott asked the younger boy.

Lucas nodded at the same time as he wrapped Eliott's neck with his arms. "I promise you."

Eliott hugged Lucas' waist and approached him in a strong embrace. They both buried his head inside each other's necks. Her breasts trembled and the other's clothes covered the sound of sobs that one, from time to time, let go. The two stayed like this for a while. Trying to take the last few seconds of security they had left. Trying to remember the feeling and warmth of each other's arms, the aroma, the solid body that embraced them in need, the sounds around the night, the air hitting some tree branches, the moon still reflected in the lake, the hand of Lucas who was buried in his hair and brought him closer to him. Eliott didn't want that to end, he wanted to stay there forever. He wanted to stop time and stay there all his life, in his home.

Lucas was his home.

Was the only person to make him feel complete, alive, fully happy.

Lucas was his everything.

With this thought Eliott embraces Lucas more strongly. "I promise you, love." Lucas answered him, and gave him a little kiss on the back of his ear.

Eliott separated his face from Lucas' neck and grazed the side of his face with Lucas's until they were both inches away. His lips rubbed. Eliott forgot for a second that he had to breathe to continue living, but it is that Lucas's closeness had completely mesmerized him and everything around him had become blurry.

Eliott raised his eyebrows trying to remember what he was going to do. And then without much thought he just did.

"I love you." The words came out like this, without any effort, soft, full and light on the tip of Eliott's tongue.

Lucas sighed and after a long time, he smiled. It was such a sincere smile and full of relief. "I love you too. I love you so much."

Eliott felt that much of the weight that was tightening his stomach gradually was released and he too filled with relief. A little laugh slipped out of his lips and trembled a little as he heard those words coming out of Lucas' lips. He loved him too. He loved him. Eliott could no longer resist and cut off all the distance they had both maintained. His lips met and Eliott thought at the time that he wouldn't care what would happen. That he wasn't going to cry anymore. That he and Lucas loved each other and that that was enough for both of them to live. That he could wait a year, five, ten, twenty, a life so he could be with Lucas, because he was going to remember those moments forever. Suddenly his whole body and mind began to vibrate with much hope of the future. They were going to get through all that.

Lucas's warm, moist lips over his own, his hands hugging his hair and pulling him closer, Eliott tilting his face trying to deepen the kiss further. Everything moved at a slow, delicate pace but at the same time, they both wanted more, they both wanted to try every second of them, they wanted to exploit each part of the other. They were both recording every sound, every sensation, every hug, every word uttered in that kiss, both wanted to vividly remember everything that happened. Eliott moved his tongue asking Lucas for permission and the younger boy opened his mouth giving him permission. Their tongues danced in sync, at a dance they both knew perfectly well, Eliott's hands embraced Lucas' back and waist, allowing no space between the two bodies, Lucas' hands did not release Eliott's hair and shoulders.

Lucas let out a little gasp on Eliott's lips and then the older boy felt like they were both being soaked, but it was once not tears but it was a very heavy rain that was falling on them. And both smiled faintly on each other's lips, both needed air to breathe well but neither of them separated, both agreed to stay there forever, only living from each other's lips, body, soul, mind, and presence of the other in their lives. A happiness that is only touched once in a lifetime and Eliott was lucky enough to know it in the blue eyes of that boy of enhanced and sharp cheekbones, pink and broad lips, brown hair that looked like made by the sun's rays, a thin but wide body that at any time could destroy you with just two fingers.

_Lucas is my everything._

Both remained so, which might have seemed like an hour, two, he wouldn't know for sure how much, but they both ended up soaked in the rain. Everything around him could not be seen by the heavy rain that fell upon them. The two had to split up after that. Lucas whispered so many times that he loved him, that they would be together again, Eliott asked him with the same urgency that he will not forget him and that he loved him much more. Both released so many small laughs, both clinging to each other's arms, both of them slowly moving to the rhythm of the rain, both kissing each part of the other's face. Until they couldn't do it anymore. Until Lucas jumped into the sound of his cell phone vibrating in his pocket soaked in his trousers. Lucas kissed Eliott's hand for the last time and disappeared between the darkness and the raindrop curtain. Leaving Eliott on the dock.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary of the warning: After Eliott returned to boarding school, he had a depressive episode, talks a little bit about it with Aimée and also explains that he feels ready to talk about what happened the last night he saw Lucas. Emma went to pick up Eliott, told him that the police were looking for Lucas but that he disappeared. Eliott leaves to clear his mind and ends up sitting on the pier next to the cabin and the lake where he meets Lucas. Lucas tells him he's sorry for what he said the other night. Eliott tells him that he is sorry too and after he insisted that Lucas tell him the truth, Lucas does. Lucas tells him that he was at the time Charles was killed. That he went looking for Manon after she disappeared for days with Charles, and that Charles struck and threatened Lucas with the gun and in the end Manon shot the boy. He says he has only two options, turning himself in to the police, or Charles' father will kill him because Lucas' father handed over his son's head in exchange for Charles' father not rating on Lucas' father for all his dirty work in the Prosecutor's Office. Eliott tries to convince Lucas to tell Lucas the truth, but Lucas refuses, tells him that he is going to run away. Eliott tells him he's going with him, but Lucas won't let him. Lucas promises Eliott to see each other again. Lots of tears, kisses, hugs, rain and Lucas left.
> 
> Okay, so I feel like you're all going to end up hating me and that's fine because I hate all this too, but I had to. It really cost me work to write this, it was an interesting experience and forgive me if this makes you suffer, I'm really sorry, if you have any complaints, suggestions, words you want to share you can leave it down and I'll be happy to answer you. Again, I'm sorry, and thank you for your words because they encourage me to write more and more every day. 
> 
> And finally, don't give up hope. Somehow or another we'll work this out. See you next weekend!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to apologize that I didn't update anything last week. I've been very busy with online classes, final exams, assignments, anyway, college consumed all my time and also my energies. I was short of finishing this chapter but honestly, I was not in the mood to write besides that I was very difficult. I also wanted to give all of you a break from so much angsty, because this chapter has a lot of angsty, sorry. And second, as always, be careful and if you want to skip this, you can go straight to the end where I'm going to sum up everything that happened Oh, and third, I'm sorry if you hate me after this but remember, please remember what I told you a few chapters ago. I could never hurt Eliott, Lucas or any of their friends, so be ready for what's coming now and in the next few chapters.
> 
> Warning: Here we will talk about the death of one of the characters and a brief anxiety attack.

"That was the last time you saw Lucas." Aimée told him. She wasn't asking him, she already knew itwas.

Eliott nodded slowly. "Yes, that was the last time I saw him. After that night, nothing was the same again."

They were silent for a moment. The restaurant was starting to empty. There were still people coming and going, but most of the tables that used to be full of older people, adults or families were now empty. It was after nine o'clock at night and Eliott remembered that this place closed until after midnight. He had to go home and finish packing his bags. His flight was early the next day and he could no longer lose hours of sleep there, but he still suspected that when he got home he could not easily fall asleep. That he would spend hours turning the things he said to Aimée, the memories and words he had buried long ago inside his head, and that at last today he managed to let open the box and come out all those good and bad moments that he lived in his last year in boarding school.

"When...?" Eliott knew what she was going to ask. They were things people had asked him for a long time.

_When did they tell you?_

"The next day. It was that same morning while I was in class. They called me and I had to go, I didn't know what all that was about because they usually talked to Emma or Yann about Lucas, with all practically except me. Perhaps they believed that Lucas and I were not as close as he was to other friends of his." Eliott explained to Aimée.

She bit her lower lip and under her eyes to her hidden hands under the table, and then raised her eyes meeting Eliott's. "I can't imagine the pain you must have felt at the time."

Eliott swallowed saliva tightly and made a small grimace of displeasure as he remembered how he felt that morning. "It was a lot of sensations in a single instant but partly I think I felt a little relief."

She frowned a little and settled on the couch where she was sitting. "Why relief?"

"Relief that no one could hurt him anymore. It took me a long time to get there, it took me months of sadness, anger, denial to get to that part where I thought maybe it had been the best thing for Lucas. He wasn't with me anymore, but that way neither his father nor anyone could hurt him anymore. It still hurts, I still think about what would become of the life of both of us if he were here with me. I still think it's all a dream and I'll soon wake up by his side, but there are days when I think this pain I feel is collateral damage to everything and that Lucas is better off wherever he is. There are few days when I feel that relief, it is those days when I feel that I could go on but then comes the big slump that pushes me down and I return to the same thing, to sadness and anger with me, with him, with whoever." Eliott breathed some air through his nose trying to catch his breath.

Aimée instinctively covered Eliott's hands with hers, she was trying to give him some support, comfort, perhaps? Eliott wasn't sure, but he really appreciated it.

"You can stop anytime. Seriously, I have enough information now." Aimée told Eliott as she slowly nodded trying to assure him that everything was fine.

Eliott let out a small sigh and dropped his shoulders a little forward. "No, Aimée, there's still something I have to talk to you about. Something Manon told me."

* * *

He had been called just as the French literature teacher was returning the exams two weeks ago. Eliott was a little anxious to receive his result, the truth is that he had woken up that morning with many energies. The night before, after saying goodbye to Lucas and staying for a few last minutes in the rain, letting the memory of those last moments with Lucas walk through his body, he had returned to the bedroom leaving puddles of rain where he was walking. He swapped clothes for something much more warm, and then got under the bed. Soon the rain subsided but Eliott's thoughts did not. He was awake until more than midnight thinking about everything he and Lucas told each other. The only thing his head could reproduce over and over again was the sound of those three words: "I love you." And in Lucas’ smile every time Eliott walked away a little to feel Lucas’ smile on his lips. But also his mind kept awake thinking about what would happen now. Where was Lucas going to go? That's something the boy didn't want to tell him for his safety and also Eliott's.

And also, when would they see each other again? That was another question to which Lucas remained silent for a long time before saying, "soon." The sacrifice Lucas was making with his life was enormous, and Eliott also had to make the same sacrifice.

Waiting.

Waiting for Lucas to be safe.

He felt that was the worst part of all.

Just wait.

At no point did it go through his head that was something related to Lucas. It was too early for them to start doing a serious search, but when he left the classroom and met a cop he thought maybe this time "justice" was moving fast to find someone who was innocent. The director's secretary, Eliott couldn't remember her name, she was also next to that cop. The woman was about thirty years old, short hair soft brown and her eyes were a dark light green color that sometimes looked like browns and also had small freckles around the entire top of her cheekbones. The woman was almost the same height as Eliott when she wore high heels but that day she was wearing low-heeled shoes. Eliott didn't remember her being so small.

Eliott remained by her side all the way to the first building. They went up the stairs to the second level and reached the principal's office where she was sitting and in front of her desk were two other people. A man and a woman, both in a formal jacket and suits waiting for him.

"Eliott," the director called him at the same time she got up along with the other two people in the room. "I'm sorry we had to get you out of class. These are the detectives, Feraud" the dark-haired woman with her hair pulled up in a ponytail came up to him and shook their hands in a salute "and Garroy." The man, a slightly older gentleman than his companion, he was tall, brown-haired with a moustache on top of his mouth, did exactly the same thing but his handshake was a little firmer. "And they want to ask you some questions."

The three remained silent waiting for Eliott to say something. He didn't really know how to answer all that. It seemed like something out of film to him, something you saw on TV and you never imagined that it could really happen to you. Eliott let out a little breath he had been holding from the moment he entered the room and nodded slowly while still seeing each of the adults in the room with him.

The director said goodbye with a small smile to Eliott. Maybe trying to make him feel better, but that made Eliott's blood freeze. Why were they interrogating him? Did they know Lucas had escaped? Did they know what had happened between them the night before? What did they know? What evidence do they have against Lucas? Eliott was so eager to tell them to stop sticking their nose in the wrong place and they'd start doing their real job. A little sweat began to come down his neck, and he tried to breathe calmly. Maybe after all it hadn't been such a bad idea on Lucas’ side not to tell Eliott anything about his plan.

_When you least know, it's better._ Lucas told to Eliott.

"Take a seat, Eliott, please." Detective Feraud told him as she was pointing to one of the chairs that Detective Garroy moved from in front of the headmistress's table so that both would come straight ahead. And Eliott did what she told him, she also took a seat in front of Eliott.

The detective opened her mouth with the intention of starting to speak, but Eliott interrupted her. There were so many questions hanging around his head and he needed to know where he was at the time. He needed to know if they knew about Lucas' plan, but he couldn't ask them about it, so he turned his question somewhere else. "Am I in some kind of trouble?"

Detective Feraud was a little surprised at first, opened her eyes for a few moments but then recovered quickly. "Not of course not, we're here for Lucas Lallement, did you know him?"

Well, of course they knew he knew him because if they didn't, why were they interrogating him? But equally Eliott felt that this was a question she was waiting for him to answer.

Eliott nodded slowly seeing her in the eye and watching her partner be placed behind with his hands in a straight position on his back.

"You and he were close, right?" She asked him again by making him pay attention again to what she was saying.

"Not really, no." Eliott frowned unintentionally trying to look as calm as possible. He could feel like everything around him was hotter. The inter boarding school jacket weighed heavily on his shoulders and the palms of his hands sweated unchecked. He had to resist the urge to pass his hands through his trousers.

"Yes, I mean, we took classes together but nothing else."

"Did you never see each other out of class?" She asked him again and he shook his head again.

"Why is all this?" Eliott asked her before she had a chance to continue the interrogation.

She sighed, placing her hands on her knees. "We're trying to close a case that's all."

"Close." Eliott didn't realize he said that word out loud until the back detective nodded in approval.

"Did Lucas ever tell you about something related to Charles?"

Eliott opened his mouth and swallowed saliva, he quickly shook his head. "No, I don't know anything about the two of them."

"Did you ever see the two of them together at some point?" She kept asking Eliott.

Eliott wet his lips and denied again. “No, no, I didn't, we didn't look more than when we were studying."

The detective in the back had one arm across his waist and the other hand resting on his chin. His brown eyes didn't stop seeing Eliott in any second as if he were recording every move he was doing. Looking for some fault. Maybe it was Eliott's imagination and none of that was true, he had to calm his mind and keep acting as normal as possible.

"When was the last time you saw Lucas?" She asked him. Her face was still serene. She gave no sign of being particularly interested in that question but that didn't make Eliott feel any relief.

"Are you still looking for him?" Eliott asked the female detective and then he looked for the male detective, but neither of them answered.

“Did you talk to Lucas that last time?" She asked Eliott again ignoring the question he had thrown at her.

"No, I didn’t, I don't remember the last time I saw him and no, we didn't talk." Eliott replied to the detective. She nodded a little and was going to start getting up, Eliott guessed, because all this was over. He wasn't sure if they were satisfied with his answer or if they were already tired and decided that that was enough.

"Why are you looking for Lucas?" Eliott just needed to hear it from someone else.

He needed to know why they were doing all that to Lucas? What were all the lies that were told about Lucas.

"No, we're not looking for him." The male detective answered Eliott.

Eliott's frown grew deeper. Now he wasn't understanding anything that was going on. The boy's heart was filled with a little hope when he thought that maybe the police found something that was leading them the right way and if they weren't looking for Lucas it was because they were directing the investigation to the real culprit, Manon. Still, there was something that told him that all that he was imagining was very good to be true.

"But you were looking for him yesterday, weren't you? What happened?" Eliott asked both of them, but neither of them answered him immediately. The woman detective turned her face to see her partner for a few seconds and then he sighed slowly denying with his head. Eliott looked at one and then another trying to understand what was going on. "Please, could you tell me what's going on? A few hours ago you were blaming Lucas for a murder, and now you are telling me... I don't understand. What's going on?" Eliott's heart was beating faster and faster and the palms of his hands were sweating more.

"Listen, we can't–" Detective Feraud started saying but Eliott interrupted her.

"Please," Eliott began to say in a plea. "I know I told you that he and I weren't very close but I'm very worried about him. He's been through a lot."

"Eliott," Detective Garroy sat where his partner was sitting before and rested his elbows on his knees trying to keep Eliott looking at him. "we're trying to close this case because there's nothing more we can do."

"But why?" Eliott asked in a whisper that both detectives ignored because he kept talking as if he hadn't listened to Eliott.

"A few hours ago we found Lucas." Eliott stopped breathing for a second. He didn't really expect that in response.

Eliott bit his lower lip sharply and then let go of the question without much thought. "And where is he?"

He felt there was something else they were hiding from him, and sincerely he was very afraid to keep asking and know what the answer he was going to give to Eliott. Something didn't feel right. Something wasn't right in all this.

Then it was at that time that Eliott realized that all this time they were referring to Lucas in the past. No, no, no, no, he was imagining all those things. That wasn't true. His mind was playing a bad trick trying to remember things that didn't really happen. And within seconds Eliott began to go over every word the detectives said. _Close the case._ Eliott thought about what they meant it was that they no longer needed more evidence, they were just trying to corroborate all the testimonies and see if they could find anything else before accusing Lucas, but he never imagined that what they were trying to say was that they no longer had the person to blame and were only looking, in effect, to close the case.

"Where's Lucas?" Eliott asked again. He swallowed saliva heavily trying to disappear the knot that was beginning to form in his throat.

He couldn't lose his position there, not there, not when he already gave a facade of having no idea who Lucas was. Not being so close. He couldn't but at the same time couldn't hide that pain he was feeling in his chest. Not now, no, not like that, it's not supposed to be like that. He still hoped that all this would be the product of his imagination and that sooner or later the detectives would tell him that Lucas is somewhere. Wherever he is, that he's safe, please, please, please, don't be what I'm imagining. Please, please, please say something, please.

"We still don't know if it's him. They're still testing him, but there's a chance..." The detective kept talking, talking and talking, his mouth moved at the same time as his hands but he stopped listening sometime after that sentence. Eliott's lungs swelled up inside his ribs, his stomach ached just like his eyes. He felt such raw and sharp pain there, a pain that a few hours ago Lucas had managed to make it disappear. His eyes stung so much and still felt the tears there, there in the corner of his eyes screaming to be let out but Eliott blinked quickly and lowered his eyes to his hands. He hadn't realized that all that time his hands had intertwined his fingers and it looked as if he was praying. A plea he had thrown at someone or something up there.

Please.

Eliott kept blinking but it seemed that the tears only kept appearing so he closed his eyes trying to concentrate on something else but the only thing that appeared before him were blue eyes, pink lips smiling, the sound of a laugh, two hands covering his face, arms covering his back and body, soft words, sweets, a loud sound of rain, another laugh. All he could see was him. The only thing his mind was dragging him into was Lucas. Lucas, Lucas, Lucas.

Where are you? This wasn't part of your plan. No.

Please.

Eliott felt like two hands were taking his shoulders and raising his face with another hand. It was such a distant voice. A voice he didn't recognize. A voice he didn't want to hear. That voice was speaking to him, it was telling him to breathe, it was calling him, but Eliott kept his eyes closed and his hands squeezing, he squeezed, he squeezed, he silently asking for his prayers to be heard. God, Eliott had never thought of that mysterious and religious figure who healed the sick, the blind, who fed the poor, he always believed that it was an invention of the human being to make them feel that something else controlled their destiny, that any mistake or any misfortune was part of a "divine plan" to which they were part, that anything could alleviate or comfort those pains and sorrows that they felt. Eliott didn't want to hold on to any of that. He wanted to believe that something else had control over his fate and that if anything bad ever happened, he wasn't going to blame anything inneceitly. That he was going to plunge pain as his own. But now he was there, silently, asking God to listen to him. That for the first time he wouldn't let the only good thing he'd had by his side go away, again, because if he allowed it, he wouldn't be able to survive.

Please.

"Eliott, breathe." He opened his eyes and found the brown eyes of the Feraud detective. They were clear as honey. She had a little mole in her left eye next to the iris. It was beautiful. Eliott concentrated on every little detail of the detective's face. Her hands felt taking his shoulders heavily trying to make him see her. She breathed through her nose and then let go of the air through her lips. She was talking to him but he didn't hear what she was saying, so he started doing what she did. He began to mimic her breaths and it was when he realized that he had stopped breathing, the tremor in his hands began to calm down, the sweat fried on his back disappeared and the tingling in the palm of his hand and in the center of his stomach calmed down.

Eliott felt as weak as if the blood had stopped running through his veins and his face too. It was so cold.

"Eliott, are you all right?" It was Detective Feraud's voice. Her face was now further away, as if she were giving space to him to breathe.

Eliott saw around him but it was only the two of them. Detective Garrow was missing at some point. There was such a great silence in the room. Eliott was silent for a long time just watching those honey-colored eyes and that thin, pale skin of the female detective. He drew on his head the fine contour lines of the detective's pink lips. She had heart-shaped lips and her lower lip much thicker than the upper one. Eliott recalled how she had kept her hands together throughout the interrogation. Her back straight against the back of the chair. A straight that at no point wavered, perhaps for a second but hid it so well. But Eliott noticed every detail of her face, perhaps waiting for her to tell him at any moment that all that was a lie. That it was all a dream. An illusion of his mind. A stupid, heavy joke that they were playing at their stupid, ignorant teenage heart.

There, in the corner of the detective's neck was a pale yellow spot. He hadn't noticed it at first until he stayed for a long time watching her. It was small...

"Eliott..." The boy raised his eyes and ran into hers. His head felt dizzy, everything around him was a thousand spins and the only thing he could focus on was her. The only material and real thing about it was her. He realized that she was waiting for him to answer the question she had told him a few minutes ago, but what was the question? What did she want me to tell her?

He was lowering his eyes again when the sound of the door woke him up. His hands were still attached to his lap. The hands that had drawn small constellations around Lucas' back. Eliott had walked every part of Lucas’ body with those hands. He could recognize every inch of Lucas' skin by just closing his eyes and passing the fingertips of his fingers. The hands which, just the night before, Lucas had kissed and caressed with his face. The hands he had covered Lucas’ face and which had attracted him more to him. The hands that had embraced Lucas's own hands. Lucas's hands, his arms, his neck, his ears, his eyebrows arching in irony so many times, his fine nose, his high cheekbones, his blue eyes, eyes in which Eliott had been lost from the first moment he saw him.

Eliott bit his lower lip when he realized that from deep in his throat there was a small sob about coming out.

"Eliott," was called by the voice of the director who was now inside the room next to Detective Garroy. She approached him carefully but stayed a few feet away. "How do you feel?" She asked him.

How do I feel? Eliott thought to himself.

Empty. That's how I feel.

As they just ripped some part of my body off and left me on the floor bleeding.

As if some part of my life had ceased to exist. Like I didn't belong here anymore.

I want to disappear. That's what I want to do.

I want to stop feeling this. That's what I want to do.

But he couldn't say all that. He wouldn't know how to explain what he was feeling. His body didn't feel like he did before, all filled with cold, trembling, pale sweat, with a huge sense of nausea. He just nodded slowly. That was enough for the detective to drop his shoulders slowly and move further away from him until he stood next to her co-worker.

The headmistress let out a little sigh. A sigh of tiredness or satisfaction. He wouldn't know. "Sophie, escort Mr. Demaury to his room." The headmistress turns her face to the left, letting her profile be seen as she dictated instructions to her secretary, who was behind her at the office door.

Eliott tried to keep the posture until he reached his room but in the second he was alone in the room, his back glued to doors, his legs trembled and his knees could barely keep him standing. Eliott collapsed right there. Tears were left unannounced. Everything around him was panting very fast so that he could think clearly. His face was drenched in sweat and tears. He put his hands on the floor trying to hold on to something. The gasps came out of his lips alone. He could feel like someone was opening his chest and pulling out his heart.

No, it can't be.

Lucas.

Lucas, where are you?

Please come.

Please don't leave me.

Eliott begged in silence at anyone. Whoever was listening to him inside his head.

And he slowly crawled up to the garbage can. His belly was shaking uncontrolled and nausea won. He emptied all his stomach into the trash can. The tips of his fingers tingled in a nauseating, unpleasant and strange sensation, nothing pleasant, and again he was sweating cold, his chest went up and down and his ears covered. He only heard a constant noise in the distance and at the same time listened to the heartbeat inside his tympanos. No, please, not now. Eliott tried to breathe but all that came out were more tears, more saliva, more pain inside, no, not please.

You never told me this would happen.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

_Now what do I have to do, Lucas?_

Eliott continued to beg until breathing became a difficult job for him and only closed his eyes hoping to wake up from that nightmare.

* * *

Eliott had finished speaking a long time ago. His eyes were nailed and concentrated on one of the tables on his right. There was a woman with two girls in her eighteen or nineteen. She was a reddish-haired, stuffed-cheeked woman who was looking towards the menu with her index fingernail in her mouth. One of the girls had Asian traits. Her plain black hair was fastened on a pink headband and she was paying attention to her cell phone. And the other girl, a girl of stature smaller than her short feet didn't get to touch the floor, was looking everywhere. Her menu rested on the table but she didn't seem interested in seeing the speciality of the day. The last girl turned her face to the right slowly and found Eliott's eyes, and she smiled slowly at him. It was a shy gesture. A gesture that the people in Paris had lost the habit over time and almost no one did it, but Eliott smiled back at her in the same way. And she seemed satisfied with that response because her smile widened further and she devied her eyes again by lowering them to the menu in front of her.

"The news was released about two days later. They were waiting for confirmation from the coroner and it was exactly what they suspected it was, it was Lucas." Eliott explained to Aimée. She remained silent listening to every detail Eliott gave her. "I remember that article very well, it looked like an article I had seen before, it was like Charles's. The thick letters in the title said: _Son of the Prosecutor is found dead_." Eliott let out a little laugh that they had no shred of fun. "It seems that journalists really like the idea of copying and pasting into their work. They began by saying Lucas’ age, some attributes he had, described by his fellow students as: _A boy with quite charisma_ , and by his teachers as: _A reserved student._ They talked about the bright future he would have had in the world of science, they even put some of his work at scientific fairs and biochemistry competitions... And finally, they talked about how the police got to the scene. Someone was passing by the road when he realized that a part of the fences was broken as if some car had fallen into the ravine. The man noticed a lot of fire coming out of a car and called the firefighters but the whole body had already been consumed. The person on the driver's side had been trapped after the car door did not open, and they also assumed that the emergency bag hit may have left him unconscious for a long time. Which explains why he couldn't get out in time when the fire in the car... happened."

Eliott's throat was slowly closing. He breathed slowly letting the air out through his mouth and continued to speak as best he could.

"The footprints, the blood, the few belongings, all that was Lucas's. The person was Lucas... At the end of the article they said that the Lallement family was going through a difficult time and that they regretted the loss of one of their loved ones." Eliott smiled again with little grace drawn on his face and shook his head without being able to still believe what Lucas' father was capable of. "They didn't file any kind of statement other than that."

Aimée kept silent as she listened to what Eliott was telling her. Her eyes looked deeper, more focused, he was sure she already knew all that information that Eliott was telling her but still, for some reason, she wanted to hear it all from Eliott's mouth. And that's what he did.

"Police said the accident occurred around three o'clock in the morning. That the driver, Lucas, he was going down the road and that by the wet pavement the tires of the car skated, lost the balance of the car and... he plummeted."

"There was no one else in the car." Aimée told him. She wasn't asking him, she was just repeating what the article said.

And Eliott hated that, hated how he known every word of that article, he hated it to know it by heart, he hated that sometimes at night when he couldn't sleep his head started saying every sentence, to repeat it over and over again as if it were the first time he read it. He hated how much how a piece of white paper with black letters could destroy him. He hated those cops who couldn't do their job right. He hated this world he had to live in now, the world where there was no Lucas for him, where Lucas was no longer by his side. Eliott hated the sense of loneliness that all that caused him. It reminded him of the nights he spent locked in his room. The days he stayed in bed, and his eyes ached with so much sleep and cry. That every time he took a slice of food from the plate, sadness took away his appetite and nausea gained much more. There were so many things that at that time Eliott had hated; hate the world for being so cruel, he hates himself for letting Lucas go and he hates Lucas for abandoning him like that.

"I had a slightly strong relapse in those days. I was locked in my room for a long time." Eliott told the girl. He wasn't sure if she wanted to hear that part of the story but she didn't interrupt him. She kept seeing him as she had been seeing him for more than three hours. "My parents knew I wasn't going to therapy that time, so my therapist came to see me at boarding school. She would come twice a week to talk to me but I couldn't. I didn't know what to tell her so for that hour and a half, she would sit there and tell me about the day, what she thought of boarding school, sometimes we didn't just talk, we just sat there looking out the whole room and avoiding seeing each other."

"Did you tell her about Lucas?" Aimée curiously asks Eliott.

She didn't look sure enough to ask that question like all the previous ones.

Eliott nodded in a sign of affirmation. "Yes, one afternoon I told her all about Lucas. I was desperate, I thought if I just let out, all the pressure on my chest or the pain would lessen."

"And did it?"

"No, the pain was still there intact like a tattoo I'd take all my life. But at least I let off steam, at least it wasn't a secret anymore. Lucas was gone and I didn't have to protect anything anymore. She knew about my sexuality and she too would keep the secret for the confidentiality of patient doctor, I didn't tell her what Lucas told me the last night we saw, that was very dangerous to say out loud. I just told her about our relationship."

Aimée bowed her head to the right, her forearms were leaning on the edge of the table. "How did that make you feel?" She asked him again.

Eliott bit his lower lip before letting loose a short sigh. "Like shit, I realized how easy he and I dropped into a game where neither of us was finally going to win. How easy it had been for me to believe other people instead of going to Lucas and talking to him straight. How easy it was for Lucas at the time to simply shut up out of fear. How easy everyone around us thought Lucas was capable of doing something like that. How easy it was for Manon to simply let her stepbrother turn himself in place. How easy it was to just tell the truth, but neither of us did. We both wasted so much time together, and we're never going to be able to get it back out of fear, out of pride, for idiots, I felt like shit when I told her all that and I realized we both complicated everything. We both made things harder than they really were. When I told her all that, I ended up a little angrier with myself for that. Because I behaved like a stupid bastard, and there was nothing I could do to change it."

"And do you still feel that way?" Aimée told him, she wet her lips and continued to try to hint at what she meant. "Do you still feel angry with the world, with you, with Lucas?"

"Sometimes." Eliott answered her. He swallowed saliva and turned his face away, directing his gaze to the great window. The sky was a dark color, the Parisian lights were already on, the cars passed in front of the place from time to time at a normal speed, people too, more than anything were boys running on the sidewalk, women with men or just men who covered the best they could of the cold of the night. Eliott felt it was going to rain that night. "Sometimes it's very easy to blame others for our own mistakes. I still blame a lot of people for everything that happened. Still sometimes I find myself praying that all this is a bad dream, a bad joke of God or a poorly planned move of fate, I still hope that somehow or another all this will be solved but deep down I know that it is not, that I am only hurting myself then I forced myself to stop... I think I blame myself more than anyone else. I acted irrationally, let me go many times and I could have done things differently... But like I said, there's nothing I can do anymore."

"And your friends, Lucas's friends, how did they feel?"

"Same or even worse, they never knew why Lucas was in that car or if he was on the run or just went on a trip in bad weather." Eliott told Aimée. He turned his face and found her eyes again, which were studying him slowly, she was seeing each part of Eliott's face as trying to capture every emotion coming from him. "They were all too affected, two people had died in less than six months. They would come to see me from time to time to the room, mainly Imane, she always tried to bring me some food and Sofiane would give her the notes of the classes, lab sheets or home work that I was supposed to deliver. She would stay with me and sometimes we would talk a little, she more than everything, and again she would just give me food and things and leave, she knew when to talk to me and when it was best to leave things there. She was the only one of them who didn't look at me with sorrow, nor did she try to tell me phrases like: _Everything will happen, it was God's plan, he's resting in peace now._ "

"Typical funeral phrase." Aimée told him with a sneering little smile in the corner of her lips.

Eliott also smiled a little while he shooted his head. "Typical funeral phrase, yes."

"It was in one of those days, a few days before the funeral, that Basile told me that he knew what Lucas and I had." Eliott noticed how Aimée's eyes opened up a little by surprise. She got a little close to him and he interpreted it as a way to tell him he could continue to talk to her. Eliott bit the inside of his cheek. He had never talked about those things with anyone. He didn't even comment on it again with his friend after he told him.

* * *

Basile had entered the room at least five minutes ago but neither of them had uttered a word. His friend was sitting in the chair in front, and Eliott was sitting on the bed with his back leaning against the bedroom wall. Eliott was watching carefully the posture the boy was holding. His face was profiled, his eyes looked towards one of the drawings that Eliott had hung a few months ago on the wall, it was a painting that he had painted with Jackson Pollock's technique, the paint stains drew deformed lines of different colors. Blue, yellow, green, purple, pink, white, black, blue, some stand out more than others. Eliott assumed that his friend had come here for a reason, perhaps to support or support each other but Basile looked a little lost, alone, nervous there with his hands between his knees and his foot moving up and down in a constant motion. Eliott was sure he wasn't even aware what he was doing.

"Hey, Baz." Eliott told him. The boy turned his face meeting Eliott and opened his eyes for a second, on his face he drew the surprise as if he hadn't realized that Eliott was there all the time or even knew he was in Eliott's room. "Are you all right?" Eliott asked him a little worried, realizing that who really needed help now was Basile and not him.

Basile nodded slowly and then moved it fast as if trying to put some order to his head. "Sorry, Eliott."

The biggest boy sighed. He already knew where this was going. To the same conversation he had had with many people. Well, it wasn't a conversation but rather a verbal vomit that people had expelled in front of him and that they all tried to make him feel better but Eliott just ignored and stopped listening. Eliott was going to protest, perhaps, telling Basile not to do it or that he was ok, maybe tell him he wasn't in the mood or that he needed to sleep, but Basile kept talking before he had a chance.

"I know about you and Lucas." The younger boy let him go and Eliott froze. He didn't know what kind of expression was drawn on his face, but Basile crouched his eyes into his hands looking a little embarrassed. "I'm sorry."

"Ho−" Eliott asked him quietly.

The boy raised his head meeting Eliott's eyes and bit his lower lip before speaking. "It was the night we went out. All six." Yes, Eliott remembered very well that night. "I went to the bathroom a little after you guys left and when I walked into the service room I didn't hear them anywhere, I, I don't know, I wanted to scare you or play a joke, I don't know, I just saw down and saw that they were together and then I went out." Basile swallowed saliva and returned to deny with his head. "I'm so sorry, Eliott, I didn't mean to."

Eliott moved his hands down his legs to his knees gently trying to calm his thoughts. He didn't really expect Basile to tell him something like that. He always believed that he and Lucas were careful to keep their relationship a secret, but he knew the night Basile was referring to. That night had been one of the best evenings he had spent next to Lucas. It had been quite an adventure for the two of them. A small smile formed on the side of his lips as he recalled the way Lucas had sighed between his lips, how Lucas had held his hands tightly against his shoulders, Lucas's soft skin between his teeth, Lucas's messy hair, Lucas’ smile and his blue, shiny eyes, and finally, in the way Lucas took his hand between and intertwined his fingers with his for two hours.

The wave of sadness was coming back again with great force, and Eliott had to blink quickly and carefully so that the tears would not escape from his eyes.

"Does anyone else know?" Eliott asked Basile slowly.

His friend shook his head quickly trying to let Eliott know he was serious. "No, I won't tell anyone. Don't worry about me." Basile told the older boy.

Eliott sighed with exhaustion and turned his faces to see the painting that Basile had been examining so carefully. He had spent the night awake thinking, he had also cried so much and at some point between the night he had fainted from sleep but still, even though he had slept more than ten hours, he still felt tired as that in any second he could drop his head on the pillow and sleep a year if it was enough to silence all those thoughts, all the pain, that burning that he was feeling inside him and outside, on his skin.

"Eli, " Basile called Eliott. The boy stood in front of the door with his hand on the knob waiting to turn it over and leave the room. Eliott did not realize when his friend had risen from the chair with the intention of leaving. Maybe he realized how tired Eliott was. "I'm so sorry." Basile told him before opening the door and leaving there leaving Eliott alone, again, with his thoughts. Eliott knew that his friend had not apologised for hearing about his relationship with Lucas, but that he had given his condolences to Eliott for the loss of the younger boy. And that's just fuller sadness on Eliott's chest. He had stood there holding all that pain while Lucas was gone.

* * *

A small mass was held in honor of Lucas Lallement about two weeks after the news. The principal allowed her students in the course of those days for them to miss their classes, knew that the death of two interneummates in the span of a year was a lot of information to process for all then that week when that mass was held, no one went to classes. Every day in May had been sunny, warm, kind and scorching with each of them but that morning, the sky had dawned cold. The clouds covered the sky making it look cold pale blue, there was hardly much air but the atmosphere was charged by a possible thunderstorm.

All wore the same black suits with matching ties and shoes. Women also wore formal black dresses or trousers. All of that turned out to Eliott very familiar. About five months ago he was exactly there in that same suit hoping to meet Lucas and now he was there, again, feeling empty, in no way to move, his head heavy and his eyes exhausted. Sofiane sat next to him trying to keep him company. The boy with curly, dark hair, didn’t try to talk to him. He just kept by his side watching everywhere trying, like him, to make all this happen faster.

Eliott wasn't even sure why he was there. He didn't want to go to that mass. He was sure that Lucas wouldn't have liked all this. He knew that no one here really wanted to be locked up listening to a father talk about life and death, it was ridiculous. But Emma had gone looking for him and she looked very bad. The dark circles in her eyes, her eyes sunk from tiredness, her bitten nails as well as her lower lip, eyes crystallized by the desire to cry, red cheeks like her ears, drooping shoulders. And it was when he realized that not only was he having a hard time but also Lucas' friends. Emma, Lucas' best friend, was going through hell and he hadn't even noticed. When he saw Emma, the first thing he did was hug her and hold the girl's body tightly in his arms as he shook her body by the force of crying and trembled in every sob she let go.

A shortly before the mass will begin. Eliott turned to Sofiane and told him he wasn't feeling well, the older boy didn't wait for the other one to answer him and just got out of his seat and walked out of the chapel they were in. He passed through the small forest, followed on a path that would take him to the rooms but suddenly a large cloud fell on him and the rain began to soak every corner of his body. Eliott circled his arms in his body trying to see against the rain where to walk but the cold was entering his bones and the closest the gym was. Eliott walked there waiting for it to be open and a part of him felt relief when the door gave way, and he was able to take refuge from the storm that was being unleashed out there.

Eliott did not expect to meet anyone there there too but his body became strained when he realized that he was not the only one on those four walls. In the background, between the benches next to the red lockers, was someone sitting. The chestnut reddish-haired girl had her hands hugging her body and her chest was tilted forward with her chest on her legs. The sound of Eliott's feet approaching caused her to lift her body quickly.

And that's when Eliott saw who it was.

It was Manon.

Manon was wearing a dress that fell up above her knees, smooth and glued to her body. She wore black stockings covering all her legs and black-heeled shoes, she didn't have any jackets that split her pale arms. Manon wasn't wearing her red lipstick. Since death Charles had stopped wearing a lot of makeup and left all her dark circles in sight of everyone as well as her pink, thin lips. Eliott had not spoken to Manon since the night of the New Year's Eve party where she broke up the near-fight that Charles and Lucas were beginning to have and menacingly pointed to Lucas.

The older boy swallowed saliva tightly. Another day he would have turned around and gone but now he couldn't do that. He couldn't let go of everything he knew about her. Everything she did to Lucas. An unknown heat until that moment began to open in his chest. Eliott stood there and still saw Manon's green eyes. The girl didn't deviate her eyes either, she kept them on his, she could easily have sharpened a stone with just that look but not this time, this time Eliott wouldn't be afraid of her. It was enough.

"Why?" That's all Eliott could ask the girl. His jaw felt tight in his mouth. His hands that were resting on his sides were heavier and heavier.

Manon frowned in confusion and cast a short look of contempt at him as if she could not believe that he was even speaking to her. "Why what?"

"Why did you let Lucas turn himself in?" The moment those words came out of Eliott's mouth. Manon opened her eyes in surprise and bit her lower lip. Her eyes still cast hatred but for a fraction of seconds her facade fell and all that was there was sadness, surprise, a sense of betrayal.

All that was just making Eliott's heart beat more quickly and his chest going up and down in every quick, heavy breath. Manon was taking a long time to answer his question and Eliott was starting to get impatient.

"I know what you did, Manon." Eliott continued to say. "I know you gave Lucas in your place, I know that who should be in jail right now should be you, because of you all this is happening, you provoked this..."

Eliott had not realized that he had been raising the tone of voice in every word until Manon stood from where she had been sitting and walked away from him. "Enough!" The girl yelled at him as she began to walk through the lockers. Her jaw was shaking and little and her hands were hugging her body as a few minutes ago. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Don't play dumb, I know everything..." Eliott wet his lip and had to bite his lower lip for a second so he wouldn't have to scream. A huge hatred was bubbling in his lungs, in his chest, his whole body felt like he was shaking and rising in temperature. "Lucas told me."

Manon turned around turning her back on Eliott. Eliott could no longer and approached her by taking her wrist and turning it so she could see him in the eye. Some locks of hair fell on the girl's face and her eyes were closed tightly but her cheeks, her cheeks were soaked. And Manon's pink lips were ajar. She was crying in silence.

"Tell me, why? Why did you turn Lucas in?" Eliott shook her a little with his hands on her shoulders. "Why?" Eliott could feel the itching of tears in his eyes but had to swallow hard. That was no time to cry. He needed answers and he'd get them right now.

Manon moved in his arms causing him to let her go. "Let go of me!" Eliott walked away from her a little and he waited for Manon to open her eyes. She was breathing heavily too, her pupils were smaller than before and her lower lip was shaking. "He just did it. If he's gone, it's his fault, not mine." Manon replied.

Eliott felt he was going to lose his mind. His temple was beating heavily now and he could no longer bear to see Manon, there, crying, as if she were the victim. "Stop lying!" Eliott answered her with his teeth clenched by marking each of the words. "You shot Charles, you left Lucas alone, You're HERE and Lucas DON'T!" Eliott told her as he pointed her with his index finger.

"I'm not to blame for him being a fucking idiot who got into my life!" Manon answered with tears in her eyes "I never give it to him, understand!" After Manon said that she collapsed in front of him and began to cry loudly. Her low back through the lockers and she buried her head between her knees.

Eliott was frozen right there. His body couldn't move anymore. His head besides being heavily hammered was also traveling a speed of a thousand per hour. Whatever Manon was trying to say to him wasn't true. He didn't believe a word of Manon. It was her fault that all this was happening. It was her fault that Lucas was no longer there and no one else. She had so many opportunities to do the right thing starting with broke up with Charles, but she never did it. She took the easiest path and now these were the consequences of all the decisions she had made. Lucas had to pay for those decisions with his life.

"What do you mean?" Eliott asked her but she didn't answer. Manon's shoulders kept going up and down in a silent cry. Eliott waited a few minutes, but he couldn't do it anymore. He approached her and lifted her from where she was putting it on her feet. Manon opened his eyes by meeting those of the older boy who was now more angry and desperate than before.

"What do you mean?" Eliott asked Manon again.

Manon bit her lower lip and looked behind him as she spoke. "Lucas offered himself." She told him quietly.

"It's not true." Eliott said quietly. He shook his head and shook Manon's arms a little so that she could see him in the eye.

And Eliott saw it, or she was a good liar or she was telling the truth because Manon's eyes didn't hesitate at any moment while she kept talking. "Don't you believe me? Lucas' father was going to turn me in, my own mother was going to do it too, but Lucas wouldn't let them do it. He confessed to the murder of Charles' father and told him he was going to turn himself in to the police, but he couldn't even do that."

"It can't be true." Eliott kept denying with his head. He was very disgusted by everything Manon was saying, all those lies. "Don't lie."

"Don't believe me if you don't want to but it's true." Manon told Eliott, his eyes fell to his chest and then went up again. "Lucas always had hero complex."

"No." Eliott pushed Manon's arms back until he glued the locker to the girl's back. Manon breathed tightly trying to get the air back and Eliott let her go taking a step back. His hands were shaking a lot. His whole body was going through an earthquake inside. He frowned toward Manon, who was still in the same place as Eliott had left her.

This doesn't look real.

This can't be real.

No. Please. Lucas, no.

"It's not true. He never..." Eliott could not finish the sentence because Manon interrupted him. The girl was trying to swallow all her tears and all the sobs she was letting out.

"He couldn't have done it... You didn't know him, Eliott." Manon answered him simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

For some strange reason, Manon's statement hurt Eliott too much and took his breath away. "What about you?"

Eliott wanted to know that, so he just asked her without much thought.

"I was his friend for many years." Manon started telling him.

"No." Eliott denied quietly as he tried to keep his hands and jaw relaxed. His whole body was hurting too much and everything around him was much heavier now.

"I lived under the same roof as him." Manon kept telling the older boy, while he kept denying with his head.

"We practically grew up together, he and I... What about you? You think because you slept with him, you knew him. No, Eliott, Lucas wasn't what you think."

And there he was again, allowing all these people to tell him what Lucas was or was not. Again he was in the cafeteria listening to Daphné tell him all kinds of rumors about Lucas. His childhood at boarding school, his friends, his courtships, his "relationship" with his stepsister who was once more than just a friend, there was again Eliott listening and allowing all those words to go into his head and be marked on fire. And then, there was Eliott there, in Lucas’ father's study, letting him eat his head, whispered bad words about Lucas, poison-filled words about Lucas’ mother, and Lucas’ strange and self-destructive tendencies to drive people away from him. And there was Eliott, crying, asking, screaming, doubting Lucas. And there was Lucas, with that face full of surprise, pain, disappointment, and there was Eliott, letting everything he loved disappear. And now, he was there, with Manon, with the person who had started all this and now she was trying to end the little coherence he had in his head.

No. No more.

Eliott was tired.

As he just denied again and dropped his shoulders into remand.

"No, you're wrong. That Lucas who was your friend is no longer the same Lucas I knew. You don't know anything about him, Manon." Eliott knew he had spoken of Lucas in the present but he aware that he was not yet ready to let him go. Eliott turned around. The rain was still falling heavily out there but he could no longer be in the same room with Manon any longer. "You left him, Manon, you let him turn himself in and maybe he shouldn't have done it and maybe it's not your fault he's gone, he made his decision, but you also made yours and you'll have to live with that decision all your life." Eliott told her before opening the door and having to face the storm.

* * *

"That was the last time I talked to Manon." Eliott finished telling what happened that afternoon with Lucas' stepsister. Aimée remained silent for a few minutes nodding slowly. The girl in front of him was processing all the information he had told her.

"And you believe her? Now." Aimée manages to ask Eliott.

He lets out a sigh and shrugs. "Like I told you, from that day on I decided to take the image I had of Lucas. Not the one people had given me about him. I erased all that from my memory and just got hold of Lucas's best moments, the good and the bad, the moments together just him and me, and the moments with our friends, the good stories Arthur, Yann or Emma told me, I was left with those stories and not all the gossip or murmurs." Eliott explains to the girl.

She sketched a small smile pleased with Eliott's response. “That's good, Eliott."

He nodded taking the compliment she gave him. "Yes, it's a shame I had to go through all that to learn the lesson."

Aimée sigh dropping her shoulders and then bit her lower lip as she pulled the pen out of her notebook and keeps it in her purse. Eliott realized that she was containing herself. Not so much was known but during those hours they spent together he managed to decipher the small signs with which she communicated.

Eliott bowed his head to one side and approached to her a little bit trying to get Aimée to look him in the eye. "What's going on?" Eliott asked the girl.

The girl sighed again and passed her hands through her hair before dropping her hands on her purse. "I did some research, as you should imagine, and I've found some things that you haven't told me so far and I was waiting for you to tell me but I get the impression you don't know them and," Aimée wet her lips before she kept talking "I don't know if you want to know everything I'll tell you."

Eliott swallowed saliva, and suddenly he felt a little nervous about whatever Aimée knew.

"What do you know about?" Eliott ends up asking her as he tries to soothe the anguish that is growing in the mouth of his stomach.

"On all the evidence the police had against Lucas."

Eliott's heart stopped as did his breathing. All those things she had found were things he for years didn't want to know all those lies, because that was, lies, and he didn't want to see Lucas' father and the police be in charge of indicting an innocent person.

Eliott shook his head in response to Aimée's previous question. "No, no, Aimée, I don't want to know anything about that."

Aimée nodded down her gaze to the purse in front of her. "I know, I'm sorry I tried to make you see all this. It's just that..." Aimée shook his head as if trying to get some idea out of his head. "Sorry, it's silly."

Eliott couldn't do anything but ask. "What's going on?"

"You told me that Lucas had been wearing a black shirt the night on the pier, didn't you?" Aimée cast the question with one of her eyebrows slightly raised upwards.

"Yes, that's what I remember." Eliott replied to Aimée. His fingers began to move on the table.

"Well, I have a..." Aimée's cheeks were painted pale red on her cheeks and ears, it was the first time Eliott looked at her blushing and looked much younger and radiant. "A friend, and well, he has contacts and managed to find someone to hand me the case file. And I found that that night, the body had a white shirt." Eliott shook his head a little trying to understand what she was saying. Aimée understood what she was trying to tell her, so she kept talking. "There were also some things that were saved in the fire and others that did not. There was a suitcase with clothes and some personal belongings, and nowhere was the black shirt. Eliott," The girl opened her purse by pulling out a yellow folder. "There were only two black pants and shirts, a blue sweatshirt, some blue shirts and a red one but there were nothing black."

Eliott frowned and turned away from her, laying his back against the chair. "I don't understand, he could have changed and already."

"But why?" Eliott shrugged again, if being sure what the point of all that was, why would a detail like that be important here? "And why wasn't he in the car?"

"Maybe it burned down in the fire." Eliott answered her by raising his shoulders for a second before dropping them again.

Aimée's enthusiastic gaze fell and nodded again, lowering her eyes to the folder that was now in front of the two of them. The coffee cups were gone. The waitress had taken them after they both declined the invitation to more caffeine. They had already taken too much and if Eliott kept drinking, he wouldn't sleep at night.

"Yes, you're right." Aimée told him.

Eliott clad his hands and took Aimée's hands among his own. "Aimée," The girl raised her face meeting Eliott's worried eyes. "You have to be careful. Everything I told you today is delicate and there are very powerful people involved in all this, and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to you. I couldn't live with that anymore."

"Hey," Aimée stopped him before he kept talking. "Don't worry, Eliott, I promise I won't do anything stupid with this information. I'm sure the newspaper will fire me after I publish the note." Eliott opened his mouth to protest but she smiled in denial with her head. "I'll publish it anonymously, don't worry, but they'll soon know it was me... I'll have to post some misspellings."

She told him with a short laugh. Eliott dropped his chest relieved and let his hands off her and began to take his things to leave. "Eliott, I also have something else." Aimée pulled a CD out of her purse. "Here is the recording of one of the security cameras of a neighbor of Charles's father. And here you can see Lucas come into the house at one o'clock in the morning but then between two in the morning for a minute or so, the recording is cut off and Lucas is never seen leaving the house."

"Charles' father commanded to cut the recording." Eliott said quietly.

"No," Aimée also told Eliott quietly, as if she was telling him a secret. "it wasn't Charles' father, who raised all that false information, those clues, and that evidence was Lucas' father."

Eliott began to feel nauseous and his jaw involuntarily tightened inside his mouth, but he reminded himself that he had to calm down and that there was no way the ghosts of the past would ruin this little moment of peace that he had reached with himself after nearly eleven years. "I can imagine it." Eliott replied to Aimée.

Both stayed for another half an hour there at the restaurant. Aimée offered to invite him to dinner but Eliott thanked her for the invitation and told her that he should return to his apartment, and that he had things to do. The two hugged before she took the cab that would take to her home. Eliott planned to walk home, which was not far from there but the headache he had been feeling at the beginning of the afternoon suddenly began to be present little by little so he had to take a cab as well. About fifteen minutes later, a little traffic too, he went up to the fourth floor of his building and entered his apartment which was in the dark.

It was one day, one afternoon, almost too long a night and the first thing Eliott did was take a pain pill that was killing him. He took a long shower. He stood under the shower under the hot water pounding his shoulders, trying to relax, dropping every weight he had been feeling during the day, during these years to this day. After what seemed to be about forty minutes, already showered and changed, Eliott prepared something quick to eat and he looked among his suitcases some things he would need for the next day. He had to wake up at least in a seven hours to go to the airport, but he wasn't sleepy yet. He felt like he couldn't sleep, but at the same time his body felt fatigued. He could sleep for a year if that was enough.

Eliott walked up in front of his bookseller, who over the years had been filled with many books that he had managed to collect. Many of them were classics such as Edgar Allan Poe, George Orwell, Gustave Flaubert, E.M Forster and Julio Cortázar. And Eliott approached a little old-edition book from "The Great Gatsby" and pulled an envelope out of the leaves.

A letter he knew very well.

A letter he knew by heart.

_I'm sorry this isn't going to be short._

_And also, I'm sorry for a lot more. Lucas._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summary of the warning: There's a car that had an accident and burned down. Police are investigating and the coroner says it's Lucas. Eliott falls into a depressive state but not as strong as last time. Eliott talks to Manon, and she tells him that basically Lucas sacrificed himself because he wanted to and finally Aimée tells him that she will be careful to publish the story and reveals a detail of the research to Eliott that he does not take much importance on her. In the end, Eliott returns to his apartment and begins reading a letter Lucas left him.
> 
> Then you're probably thinking, "Are you serious? You promised me nothing would happen to Lucas. I believed you that: Happy ending, and now you come with this." And I know, I know, I know! But I meant it, I could never hurt Lucas or Eliott, let alone leave them unhappy all their lives. Trust me a little more and you'll know what I'm talking about. And finally, I would understand if anyone would stop reading this fic until the end is public, I understand, this can be a bit harsh. But trust me! This is going to end well.
> 
> Next week there is a chapter, I hope you like it as much as I do, the truth is that I enjoy writing it. And also, please leave me your comments below, any word is welcome here and I will be happy to answer you. Thank you for everything and as always, until next week!!!


	14. Chapter 14

> I have a hard time starting to write this letter. I have no idea whether to start all this with a great romantic or thoughtful phrase that you could read in some old book or whether to place the date at the top of the sheet as one of those formal letters that you have to give to your teacher or your boss. I have no idea whether to put your name next to the word: “Dear” or just write: "Eliott" as indicating that this is, in fact, addressed to you.
> 
> I don't know how to do this and I'm sorry, I've never been good with words. In fact, I've never been good at many things except one, but I'll tell you that later.
> 
> I'm sure you're wondering what this is, well, I didn't have the slightest idea either and in fact the pile of wrinkled leaves and accumulated on a big mountain next to my desk is a clear sign of that. I wasn't sure I'm going to do all this. I wasn't sure if you were even going to read this, I'm sure that this is already on burn and its ashes will be flying out of your bedroom window, but I don't care about that. At least I tried one last time. At least I'll know I didn't leave without telling you everything I had told you a long time ago.
> 
> And I know where it should have started.
> 
> For the first time I saw you.
> 
> It was in the boarding school dining room.
> 
> Yann was talking to me at the time but now I could swear that I don't remember exactly what, he was probably complaining about some idea what Emma had had about their date for the weekend or the taste of food that day, I don't know and honestly it doesn't matter, the only thing I do clearly remember was the pressure I felt on my body as if someone was watching me. Do you have a look that's too piercing, Eliott Demaury, has anyone ever told you? Anyway, I couldn't understand where that feeling came from, it wasn't disturbing or uncomfortable just something strange and hard to decipher. And then that's when I managed to reach you. Right there in the background. With your back facing the window letting the sun bathe your whole body in light. Stop breathing. Ridiculous, I know, but you were quite a vision. God, stop smiling so much that I feel that proud smile here as if you've just won the biggest prize of all but no, I'm easy to impress, don't get your hopes up.
> 
> I liked you from the first moment I saw you. Your shoulders were falling forward, your elbows resting on the table as you pecked the plate of food in front of you, you had a slightly frown in concentration as if taking the pasta with the fork was something that had just been discovered by man and for you it turned out to be a mission of the most interesting and complicated at the same time. I'm not going to deny it, I smiled a little when I first met that expression on your face. After that I couldn't stop turning my eyes to where you were. Every once in a while I was surprised by wanting to see you more and more, it was never enough and that scared me.
> 
> I always knew I liked boys, Eliott, from a young age every time a girl took my hand or gave me a little kiss on the cheek. I didn't feel what all my friends were saying to me, those butterflies, that warmth in the cheeks, that tenderness or that desire to hold his hand with the same force. I just didn't feel that. It was exhausting to have to pretend to everyone that that was me. I hated it. Still, even at the time, I was doing it. And I realized, sitting there with my friends and the girl who was my girlfriend, that I was attracted to a boy that a) I had never seen before and, b) I didn't know if I would ever get to know him. I was scared. It cowered me and I couldn't do it anymore. I got mad at myself in a matter of seconds and I got mad at you.
> 
> I'm sorry.
> 
> I think that's my first apology of the many.
> 
> I was very upset with you because you were just there and I wasn't. I was bothered by myself because I realized at the time that you were something I could probably never get to have for my own fear. I grew up surrounded by the fear of what people would say. First, what my father will think. It's supposed that over the years what he thinks of me must have stopped caring me and sometimes it is, but he has a way of being, a way of getting deep in you, getting into your skin or your head and is able to hurt you even if you've built as many walls as possible so that he doesn't penetrate. Even after almost ten years, his opinion of me had a great weight. There was also the pressure of my friends, I had already made the mistake of trusting a person before and I was afraid to do the same again. There's only one person of them all who knows the truth and it's Yann, it wasn't with intent, in fact, it was a mistake I don't remember. I blame the marijuana Arthur gave me that night. That's another story that maybe another day I can tell you more calmly and I'm sure you'll laugh too much in my face, and you'll make fun of Yann about all the things he swears, I said.
> 
> I'm sorry.
> 
> Sorry because for those weeks I've been avoiding meeting you.
> 
> Sorry because every time I felt your gray eyes watching me, I had to self-punish and scold so as not to meet yours and smile at you.
> 
> Sorry that I behaved like an idiot.
> 
> I'm sorry I ignored you.
> 
> I've made you think I wasn't interested in meeting you.
> 
> Sorry for every time you approached me, I was getting further and further away from you.
> 
> And I'm sorry that I wasted so much time that we could have used to be together.
> 
> And then it was that night you found me in the bathroom. That was the first time I thought I was already fucked. That there was no turning back. That you'd gotten there for a reason. It was going to hurt but I didn't care. I saw those gray eyes light up while you were talking about being in love. I was surprised at how easy it was to listen to you, how easy it was for you to open up to me, to a complete stranger who for the last few days had been distant, cold and even rude, but you don't care about that. Eliott, you helped me, you cared, you took my face with your forefinger and your thumb, you moved my head, you frowned, like you did in the dining room, bit your lip and also smiled full of shame as you talked to me about a memory of your childhood. That time, Eliott, was the first time I thought, _"I want to try."_ I had already had you so close, I had already seen the way your eyes became small every time you laughed, you gave me little brushstrokes of what you were and at that moment I felt a need to see the whole picture.
> 
> I didn’t want to miss every detail. I wanted to meet you.
> 
> And every time I met you more, I was losing myself more and more on you. Until it happened about my mother. I don't want to go into so many details about that, because I've already told you everything you needed to know. And also, in part, because of the call I kept with my father for that minute that looked like it had lasted a year. The news didn't surprise me at first, and I feel bad to think about it, it didn't hurt either. I had to attend the funeral because it was something I had to do but I didn't want to either. I had a hard time packing my suitcase, getting in the car and going home, it took me more work to get out of bed that day and go to the church. I saw a lot of people I didn't know, and I heard things that sometimes I had a hard time imagining. I can't. Like I told you that day in the music hall, Eliott, I couldn't sit there doing nothing. And like I told you, I didn't feel anything, I hadn't cried at any time since I heard about her death. Sitting there I just realized she was gone. I lost her at the time that child services separated me from her and I was handed over to my father but deep inside me, I knew she was out there somewhere. And I don't know, I thought one day I'd feel ready to see her again and try to make things right, but not anymore.
> 
> She was gone. My chance was gone.
> 
> That same day I went back to boarding school. And I don't regret anything, Eliott. I liked the way things happened that night. I've never felt that way with someone before, I've never kissed someone like that before, I'd never imagined I could belong anywhere but there, in your arms, I felt I'd found my space in the universe. Was it afraid? Yes, but it was the first time I was facing that fear and it was with your help. You were by my side kissing my two eyelids, you hugged every part of my body and whispered words I'll never forget. You said things I've never heard before, you made me feel safe, capable of everything, Eliott. And thank you, I think this is the first thank you from many.
> 
> Thank you for the first drawing you made me.
> 
> Gracias for putting up with my complaints about your lousy taste in music.
> 
> Thank you for listening to me talk about stupid things for more than ten minutes and never shut up.
> 
> Thank you for making me laugh like no one else could.
> 
> Thank you for sharing the last joint with me.
> 
> Thank you giving me the taste of your lips.
> 
> Thank you for understanding, being patient and making me feel comfortable.
> 
> Thanks for that night.
> 
> That night gave me enough strength. That morning I woke up wanting to scream. I felt like the happiest human being on planet earth and that, it wasn't a feeling I had every day. Everything looked completely different. Everything was stronger, brighter, more alive, and it was with all that courage that I decided to make some changes in my life. I felt like I was a new, invincible person and that anything was possible. I felt like this for the first five hours of the day but then gradually my confidence was falling a little. And that's when I wrote to you, but again, you showed me what I was capable of, what we could reach together. And again I was falling deeper and deeper, allowing you into my life, starting to drop all the walls that I put around me. For the first time in a long time I was happy.
> 
> The time I spend by your side, Leo, will be hard to forget. Every moment we spend together is engraved in steel on my head. There were good times and bad ones, but like you once told me, that's what we know as life. Not everything can always be well, not everything can always be good because if we did we will never be truly happy. We'll never know when we're living our best lives. And believe me when I tell you, that every time I held your hand, every time you left a short kiss behind my neck, every time you rubbed my shoulder "casually," each and every one of those times, I repeated myself over and over again: _"I'm happy."_
> 
> And I hadn't had that until I met you. I've never had that full feeling on my chest since I met you.
> 
> There are so many things I didn't manage to do, there are so many things I didn't allow myself to do out of fear. And this would be my second apology, sorry.
> 
> Sorry because I don't trust you enough.
> 
> Sorry because I hid.
> 
> I'm sorry I let all the voices in my head say to me, _"It's very good to be true," "he's going to go away," "he's going to get tired of you,"_ all those words had more weight than all your actions.
> 
> But I've been blinded by fear.
> 
> Sorry I've missed so many opportunities to tell you the truth.
> 
> But mostly, I'm sorry because I could never tell you how I felt.
> 
> I don't know how you feel right now.
> 
> I don't know how you feel right now. I don't know if you're hating me, if you're angry, if you're sad, surprised, relieved, worried, I don't know, but I'm going to assume that you feel the same way I do. That everything I've just described in these last three pages is something you've experienced, too. That itching at the tip of your fingers, that heat on your cheeks and back of the head, you've also felt that at any moment your face can split in two of so much smile, that you've also cried thinking about how much it's going to hurt when we're not together anymore, probably the last thing you didn't, you probably always had faith in our love but again, sorry, I have this tendency to always expect the worst. To protect myself from pain, to keep people away before they have the opportunity to abandon me, not to try to get so excited and also forgive me, sorry because you were that except. You from the first moment you had that power over me. Give everything from me to your hands and I didn't even think about it too much, I just did it so desperately, I did it as if that way I could breathe again, as if that's what I was born for, so that you and I were together. And I'm sorry this is so corny. I'm sorry, Leo, but I need to because if I don't do it now I'll never be able to do it. And I don't want to leave like this.
> 
> Do you remember that night we went out with the boys and went to the movies? I must have done so many things that night, and I didn't dare do any. Remember those tacos we tried and Basile kept complaining about how hot they were, but you and I made fun of him all the time? I swear I don't get tired, Eliott, I never get tired of laughing with you. There was a time when little wrinkles formed in the corners of your eyes and laugh so loud that your body got a little ahead and I thought, _"I love him."_ Remember when we ran away and were locked up kissing? That was the first time the idea of telling you _I loved you_ crossed my mind but I didn't want it to go there. It had to be otherwise, I had to make it special for you. I wanted to make you feel the way you made me feel every second of my life, so wait, and wait, I swear, more than once I missed telling you. Stop putting that smile on your lips. Stop it. You're smug. Remember at the movies when the movie was about to start and you didn't hesitate to hold my hand? I also remember the way you had to turn your whole body to reach popcorn so you wouldn't have to let go of my hand. That moment I was very happy. You were very sweet, Eliott, also a little silly but more than everything, those details, made me smile for a lot and that was the first time I thought, _"He is the man of my life."_
> 
> I should have done everything I could to take your face in that instant and have kissed you. I wanted to do it in such need, but I couldn't. And that was the first time I decided it was enough. It was the first time I was allowed myself to think about what we could have together if I stopped hiding.
> 
> And that leads me to my next apology, Sorry, sorry because fear won again that night.
> 
> I'm sorry, fear won again.
> 
> You deserve better than me.
> 
> You deserve someone who's willing to jump off the top of the building badly high.
> 
> That it is willing to climb the highest mountain.
> 
> So willing to cross the sea with just one canoe.
> 
> So willing to make all the sacrifices.
> 
> That is willing to travel to other galaxies, parallel universes, or fight against all the laws of time and space to get to you.
> 
> That it is willing to hold your hand whenever you want.
> 
> That it can kiss your lips without it being seen.
> 
> You deserve someone who can tell you how much he loves you.
> 
> You deserve a lot more than I can offer you.
> 
> Yes, if I bother that morning at the hotel. Yes, you hurt me a lot, Eliott, but I hurt you too. I closed myself and I didn't let you see myself as I am, I hid so many things from you that I can't tell you. I can't, and not because I don’t want to, I can't. I can't hurt you again, so I'm sorry. I hope one day you can forgive me. And I also hope that one day you will understand how much I love you and that you know that everything we live in is something I will never forget.
> 
> Lucas.
> 
> PSD: At least somewhere there's a Lucas waiting for his Eliott so that together they can sunbathe on a beach on a Greek island with one of those umbrellas that have thousands of colors and a pair of towels to games. And they'll both be happy in their world.

* * *

Eliott remained there, seated, with the leaves containing this letter that he had already read so many times. So many times that he had already memorized each of the words that were written from the same fist of Lucas. Eliott could close his eyes and say aloud each of the sentences on those five pages.

He had found that letter about ten years ago in one of his books when he was packing his things from the boarding school room after graduation. He planned to give some books to Emma that he thought would be useful to the girl for the next year when one of them shot the thick envelope to the floor. Eliott had found it hard to read when he noticed who wrote that letter, the round "or", the "p" that lean a little to the left, the "r" that are never well drawn and which are sometimes confused with "l", all those details that Eliott had collected and stored deep in his memory. And it took him a long time to finish reading those five pages.

He cried so much. He felt that at any moment he was going to crumbe right there. And the leaves still have a few drops that made the ink run a little and the paper wrinkled forming a wrinkled hole.

For all those years Eliott knew what that letter meant. That was Lucas' plan. He was going to go there and wait for Eliott to go to him to look for him. Maybe they would have met and as the same young boy said, they would have met and indeed, they would have been together but that wasn't going to happen. That part of the plan never happened because Lucas had that accident. All those plans were destroyed in a matter of second the moment Lucas fell off that cliff in his car. And during all that time Eliott hated everything they could have but Lucas’ father, Manon, God, fate, whoever it was, had taken them away before they even got a chance.

He long refused to go to that place. See everything the two could have become.

But after eleven years, he finally felt ready to visit Skopelos.

Eliott went to sleep that night, even though he believed the dream was going to play a bad trick on him and would not allow him to rest, to almost his surprise, he quickly fell asleep after putting his head on the pillow. It had been a tiring day that he had and really needs those hours of sleep. Then, in the early morning, his alarm sounded loudly beside him and he enlisted to leave on his way to the airport. At three o'clock in the morning, not a soul on the street. The taxi he had booked, he was waiting on time at the door when he left his apartment, the road to the airport was quiet. The sky still dark. The lights of Paris illuminating the streets. Occasionally a car would pass just like someone who had gone for a walk on his dog. Everything was so quiet. Everything was quiet.

Eliott allowed himself to close his eyes for a few seconds and enjoy his last minutes in his country.

* * *

"Then even though she kept telling me no, I kept insisting. I wasn't going to give up so fast." Basile told everyone at the table as he looked at each of them hoping to see that they were paying attention to him and that they had understood that part of the story. "And that's how you win a girl's heart."

Lucas let go of the air and shook his head. "Harassing her?"

Basile opened his mouth as much as he could. His face was indignant and surprised all at once. "No, of course not, she at heart loved me. Women like to make things difficult for men to really try hard. Right, Daphny?" His friend turns to where his girlfriend is and he gives her a lovely smile.

Daphné winces with his face. She didn't look too sure whether or not she should answer that question.

"WHAT?" Basile asked Daphné, his friend's whole body was turned back and the surprise look reappeared on his face. With the tone of voice that Basile had maintained until now, Eliott doubted that there would be no one in this restaurant who is already aware of the conversation that all his friends have.

"I don't think that girl that needs to be rescued is true, it's kind of sweet to try, but no. And it's not like you harassed me, no, that's something much bigger and stronger. There's a very big line between being attentive and being stalker, and you'll just look a little..." Daphné bit her lower lip trying to find a way to say everything she had in mind. "desperate?" Daphné told her boyfriend, she raised her left eyebrow gradually as she formed a straight line with her lips.

All at the table began to laugh when they heard Daphné's statement. Arthur was very convinced of that because he kept moving his head from top to bottom without erasing that smile from his lips. And Alexia had to breathe hard so she wouldn't spill a drop of soda on the table. On the other hand, Sofiane and Imane are whispering while Imane tried not to laugh or not look like everything that was going on around them wasn't the funniest thing.

"Already, desperate is fine isn't it?" Basile asked his girlfriend and then turned his face trying to seek the help of his friends. Basile's chin was still a little stained with tomato sauce.

Arthur placed his hand on Basile's shoulder amicably and shook his head without being able to stop smiling. Deep down everyone knew how much it was costing Arthur not to enjoy all this that was happening now. "Leave it at that, Baz."

"No, I can't, can't you see that I'm trying to get the two of them to get someone?" Basile answered the blonde boy as he pointed his hand forward, toward the place where Lucas and Eliott were sitting.

Eliott turned his eyes when he heard his friend's plan, and just at the same time, he heard Lucas shed a sigh, surely turning his eyes too.

Imane also released a snort like Lucas'. "I really don't think Eliott needs your advice, Basile."

"Already but it doesn't take a great physicist to conquer, forgiveness, Eliott," Basile told him, and then turned again to his friends to continue his speech. "you also need a great personality. Have you heard that phrase from: _Personality kills face?_ Well, it's true." The boy said with a big smile drawn on his face that showed the proud he was to be next to Daphné.

He's been telling them that story for about half an hour, it's been like the ninety time since Eliott met him, that he'd told him about all the effort he had made to get Daphné to date him. It seemed as if he kept a diary with the dates, marked times of special and important moments for their relationship because it seemed that the boy never forgot the little details every time he talked about it. For Eliott it was quite sweet that Basile considers himself quite fortunate to be by his girlfriend's side. He was noticed from here to the moon the enormous love he had for the light-eyed girl and blond hair. And when Eliott found himself next to Lucas, his thigh pressing against his, his shoulders sometimes rubbing, Lucas’ mild warmth on his skin. All of that lifted Eliott's spirits. The simple sound of Lucas' laughter could warm Eliott's chest and the youngest boy's simple presence a few inches from him sent an electric current all over his spine.

A part of him so wished he could get to take Lucas' hand in public, be able to kiss him on the lips in front of his friends and show everyone how much he liked Lucas but he understood that it wasn't in the younger boy's plans. Lucas had made it quite clear and Eliott was going to respect that decision.

"It can't be." Arthur frowned and approached his friend a little.

"Why?" Basile asked the boy with his confused expression.

Arthur shook his head while he settled his glasses with the index of his finger. "Yes, because if personality kills face then how did you end up with Daphné?"

Basile snouted his eyes, sending his friend a murderous look that said, _"Are you serious?"_ And Daphné next to him let out a little laugh, her pale cheeks were painted pink and she had to bite her lower lip to avoid laughing louder. She placed her hand behind Basile's back as she stroked him slowly trying to make her boyfriend feel better. Basile turned his face and the moment he saw Daphné's expression, his friend's expression softened. Again, there were the two in love making Eliott feel more alone than ever.

Eliott under his gaze towards the empty food plate in front of him.

In other circumstances Eliott would have refused his friend's invitation to this outing. Dating four couples? It's a complete no, but then Emma and Yann canceled at the last minute and, the plan was no longer four couples and Eliott but it was just three couples, Eliott and Lucas too, who reluctantly accepted after half an hour of entreaties from Alexia.

And that's how the two ended up there in that restaurant with three couples kissing, holding hands, hugging or whispering things to each other. Lucas followed Eliott's gaze and the older boy felt his gaze over his. He raised his eyes and found Lucas' soft eyes with a little accomplice smile.

_God, I love you so much._ Eliott thought before returning Lucas's smile with the same attention.

Lucas deflected his gaze again and gathered his eyebrows as he cleared his throat. The young boy rose from his seat with his hands resting on the table. "I need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." And then he turned around going to the end of the restaurant where the toilets were.

Eliott saw the boy slowly walk away and then shook his head a little trying to get back to earth. And it was at that moment that he realized what he should do. He imitated the same movements of Lucas and rose from the table announcing that he should also go to the bathroom. The only ones who paid attention were Basile and Arthur who were arguing about something related to the end-of-year party while Daphné was reviewing the dinner bill. The rest of the boys had gone out to get some fresh air or the bathroom. Eliott for his part wasted no time and walked quickly to the toilets. He felt his heart throb strongly inside his chest, he felt that at any second his heart was going to shoot forward. Maybe all this was a figment of his imagination really but the look that Lucas had thrown at him, that look concealed something and promised so much.

The older boy went into the bathroom just as a person was coming out of there. There were about six cubicles, a long mirror on the right side and the air conditioning was working at full power. Eliott advanced slowly trying to look down looking for Lucas' horrible shoes that Eliott, he liked to annoy the blue-eyed boy about his tastes with tennis. Until he located it in the last bathroom. It wasn't really that hard, Lucas was the only person inside the cubicles. And with his heart still beating, Eliott slowly knocked on the bathroom door.

And without warning, the door opened and Eliott felt like a hand pull him from his shirt making him come in. From one moment to the next the boy was crushed against the bathroom wall and two hands on the sides of his body immobilizing him and not allowing him to detach his back from the horrible gray metal wall. Eliott couldn't help but drop a gasp from the bottom of his throat and had to bite his lower lip when a shiver ran down his back from the gentle bite Lucas left on his neck.

Eliott's hands rushed to the younger boy's hair and he pull him enough away from him and look him in the eye. Lucas’ pupils were very dilated, their eyes ceased to be of a heavenly sky to be now a deep blue color, dark as the bottom of the sea.

Everything about him screamed desire.

And for some strange reason that made Eliott laugh.

Lucas walked further away from him as he lowered his hands down Eliott's chest.

"What's funny?" Lucas asked him with his eyebrow slightly raised upwards.

Eliott under his hands until he left them by Lucas’ neck and with his thumb began to trace the edge of Adam's apple. "You." Eliott answered as he followed the trail of his fingers through Lucas' white skin.

Lucas rolls his eyes as he gets his hands under Eliott's black shirt. "You're so romantic. How pathetic." Lucas declares before he continues to move his hands much higher by passing through Eliott's abs to his chest. When Lucas rubs Eliott's nipple with his thumb, the older boy lets out a sigh of surprise and raising his gaze finds Lucas' eyes hidden behind his long lashes.

"I'm not romantic." Eliott answers him quietly while still seeing the lustful look that Lucas was sending him and that was causing his knees to shake a little.

"Right? You always make everything look sweeter or softer when we're together." Lucas responds with a broad smile placed on his face. He lowered his eyes for a few seconds to Eliott's lips and then raises them again without erasing that sneering smile from his pink lips.

"I don't want to hurt you." Eliott told him as honestly as possible. His hands went up to the sides of Lucas’ face, hollowing out his cheeks and luring him a little further into him.

Lucas let out a snort and this time he continued to move his hands down the path of Eliott's chest to the south. "What if I want you to do it to me?"

Eliott's mouth dries when he hears those ten words coming from the younger boy. His head had another short circuit again. "Do it." Eliott repeated trying to assimilate what the other boy had just told him.

Lucas nodded as one of his hands caressed over his trousers the Eliott member who had suddenly awakened. He began to feel the familiar beating he felt every time he was with Lucas.

Lucas’ corner was raised again when he noticed his lover's enthusiasm. "Yes,you do it to me."

Eliott was silent for a long time, perhaps, because Lucas laughed again for the expression, he wasn't sure which one, that Eliott had on his face at the time.

"What?" Lucas asked him at the time that he moved away a little from Eliott separating their bodies which he had been pretty close until now. The loss of Lucas’ closeness almost caused Eliott to fall forward a little. "What did you think I wanted? That I was going to declare my love to you or something?" Lucas asked. The boy's tone of voice was full of disbelief and Eliott saw for an instant how the corner of Lucas's lip moved down for a second so short that for a moment he thought he had imagined it.

This caused all of Eliott's senses to awaken with one blow.

Eliott shook his head slowly and quickly stretched out his hand until he took Lucas' wrist, and brought the boy closer to him before the younger boy kept advancing backwards. "I didn't expect you to ask for something like that and less here..." Eliott explained to the boy, and with his other hand he circled Lucas' waist and spun him leaving Lucas' back stuck against the wall of that small space that they were both sharing. "In one place" Eliott kept speaking quietly and took the shell of Lucas’ ear between his teeth. "public." He just finished saying that word before slowly biting that part of the younger boy's body. Lucas's body shuddered beneath his, which made Eliott smile too much. "Do you have any idea how dangerous it is if anyone will find us?" He turned his face away, letting their noses rub slowly. Lucas’ lips were ajar and like his eyes. Both hands now rested on Eliott's shoulders trying to hold on tight so as not to faint right there.

Lucas simply nodded slowly as his Adam's apple moved up after he swallowed saliva. Eliott drew his lips up to Lucas's leaving them a few inches away. The only thing you could hear was the sound of both of them' breathing. Her breasts going up and down at the same rate. His hands clinging tightly to each other's clothes. Everything was being too much for Eliott and he didn't know where to start. They didn't have much time as his friends were waiting for them and he hadn't taken anything with him that would allow him to do what he had in mind in his head so, while he moved his leg between Lucas's two thighs, he decided what he was going to give his lover.

First, he went down Lucas' neck. He took all the time, the necessary, to follow a kissing path leaving small marks that he knew no one could see. He bit, sucked, slowly licked every part of Lucas' shoulder until the boy started moving and his breathing began to sound louder and more anxious. Then, very slowly, with his right hand he unbuttoned the closure of his trousers and lowered the zipper making that the only sound Lucas will hear. The boy already had his red cheeks, his lips were the mark of his teeth, and his fingers were sticking so his shoulders that probably, even with clothes, they would leave some nice bruises on his skin. Eliott smiled a little as he saw the mess he was becoming Lucas in and had not yet played it well. Then, when he had already freed Lucas a little from his clothes, and with a smile still on his lip that were again inches from Lucas's, he said: "You're going to have to be very quiet." And before Lucas had time to answer him, Eliott got down on his knees in front of him and started giving the boy everything he had to offer.

He took it in his hands slowly, his mouth was advancing at a slow pace, he wanted to hear every gasp that Lucas let slip, he wanted to enjoy the hands of the younger boy on his hair pulling him towards him, his hip moving upwards, Eliott crushing as much so that he would not move and his back arch pulling in every move. He had done this a hundred times before Lucas, but nothing matched that boy. Nothing. It was getting more and more exciting. It was becoming more and more full of pleasure. He didn't know if it was the feeling that no one else would see Lucas that way, only he or that giving all that pleasure to Lucas filled him, in a strange way, with force. And this time it was too much for him. Beneath his lashes, unable to stop seeing the spectacle unfolding in front of him, Lucas with his eyebrows pursed with pleasure, his hand on his lips trying not to make so much noise, his head thrown down, his eyes trying to open. Eliott knew what he was doing. He didn't want to see it in the eyes. He didn't want to finish yet. He wanted this to last long enough for neither of them to forget.

And Eliott did the best he could. Slowly, calmly, gently, patiently, cautiously, pausing from time to time to kiss around him, trying to let Lucas know he was going to take care of him. That he understood. That he was there. That he knew what he wanted. And Lucas understood, or at least that's what he hoped for, because at some point Lucas opened his eyes full of desires and kept seeing him. The younger boy opened his lips too and let go of a murmur that Eliott did not hear. Then he advanced more forcefully. He shook his head faster by taking as much as he could. He closed his eyes when he felt the tip of his nose touching Lucas' soft skin and finally opened his eyes when the heat ran through his throat completely, and Lucas' hands were pushing him to the limit as the boy's knees trembled just like his body. Eliott pushed him one last time leaving Lucas completely dry as he released one last groan, the strongest of all up to that point, and pushed Eliott's shirt up lifting him off the ground.

Eliott embraced Lucas' waist while crushing his lips against the boy's. The kiss was slow, too. It was just the two of them moving their lips to the beat of a song neither of them had heard before. Both stood there, Lucas holding on to Eliott and Eliott's arms, embracing Lucas as much as humanly possible, and when neither of them could continue to kiss, Eliott separated their faces leaving his forehead resting against that of Lucas, who at this time was at the same height as him, with his feet a few short centimetres away from the floor. The two of them were trying to get the air back. Lucas gave him a little lazy smile that grazed Eliott's lips and which he could feel so close to him.

"That was..." Lucas said quietly.

Eliott, still seeing him in the eye, left a short kiss on the corner of Lucas's lips. "Yes?"

Lucas let out a short sigh and with his eyes closed whispered a: "Thank you."

Eliott's heart tightened tightly inside his chest and he took Lucas' face in his hands combing his hair back so that he could see Lucas’ expression in more detail. And before Eliott could say anything, Lucas suddenly reopened his eyes and lowered his gaze.

"I..." Lucas began to say as he walked away from Eliott hinting at what he meant but Eliott quickly shook his head separating from Lucas and leaving his feet on the floor again.

Eliott didn’t needed to lower his eyes and instead he just stretch his pants trying to hide his obvious desire. "No, Lucas," He raised Lucas’ face forcing him to see him in the eyes again. "I'll take care of that later."

"But−" The younger boy was going to start protesting when Eliott stopped him again.

"No, they're waiting for us." Eliott reminded the younger boy at the same time that he stuck his back to the other side of the bathroom wall and smiled at Lucas with an eyebrow raised upwards. Lucas rolled his eyes in response as he bit his lower lip.

_God, you're going to be my undoing._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am very sad to upload this chapter because we are getting closer and closer to the end and I am honestly not ready to let go of this story. Anyway, I'm sorry I didn't go up last week the chapter is just that a lot of things have been happening in my life right now and I decided to take a little break after finishing this semester of college. I hope, as always, that you like this chapter as much as me and the next, well, you're not ready for the next chapter. Thank you for every comment, every kudo, and every visit, see you soon!!!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, hello. There are a few things I want to say before we start this chapter and first, I'm sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry I've been gone for almost two months but so much has happened in my life during that time. My family, my life, the university and I don't know, I didn't feel very well, I was always tired physically and emotionally and it didn't feel right to upload the chapter when so many things were happening in my life so I'm sorry. And secondly, thanks for your patience. I really hope there are still people who will read this. If not then I hope whoever reads it enjoys it. This chapter is actually one of my favorites. I hadn't planned on it being so long but when I was editing it I realized it was over 21k words. Quite a big chapter. 
> 
> I also have a little surprise at the end of the chapter in the notes below, if you are interested and can leave me a comment on what you think of my idea. Anyway, let's start and finish this little adventure. I also leave you a little summary here so you can refresh your memory of what happened in the last chapter. 
> 
> SUMMARY: Eliott finishes talking about Lucas' funeral. What Manon told him about Lucas sacrificing himself for her. They also talk about some discoveries about Lucas death and finally, Eliott reads a letter that Lucas had told him in one of his favorite books where he confessed his feelings and also with a little bit of mystery at the end. Eliott gets on his plane to Greece where he will spend the next weeks trying to rest and think about everything he and Lucas could have had.

The flight was shorter than Eliott had imagined. He had booked a ticket with a direct flight that promised that the trip would only take seven hours, but that morning when he arrived at the airport one of the attendants told him that he would board the plane an hour later than specified. Despite this small delay, he was able to sleep without any problem for almost eight hours in the sky. And when he least felt it, the captain spoke to them from the loudspeakers to announce his next arrival, the lights with safety warnings came on, Eliott was fastening his seat belt, and in the blink of an eye, the plane was landing. The only thing that did take him a little longer was getting out of that place. The people, as usual, piled up at the entrance carrying their bags and made it difficult for him to get through, so he decided to sit there until the last person left.

The airport was small. It was not like the ones in Paris, with thousands of people walking around, with lots of chairs to sit on. No, it was a small, two-storey place where through a large window you could see the planes coming in and out of the runway. It didn't take him long to locate his suitcase. In fact, he had planned the whole trip very well and even though it was a two-week thing. He had enough clothes in that big navy blue suitcase.

It was about eleven o'clock in the morning when Eliott took a taxi to Mantoudi. He had never been to these places before. He had never left Paris except for those few times he had gone to visit his parents in New York or when he went to London for an art exhibition, but those times were quite few. This was different. While he was in the taxi he noticed that the air was much warmer, full of moisture, hot, it felt like weight was being put on his lungs and it was getting harder or heavier to breathe, but it was not a choking feeling but a relaxing one. The air hitting every part of his face. People walking on the rocky roads, the trees, the palms, the fruits that were fallen on the road. Everything was a peace he had not felt in a long time. Everything there felt like home, even though he had not yet reached his destination.

After a trip of almost an hour, because of the traffic they found on the way, Eliott finally arrived at the port. This time it was a little difficult for him to communicate with the person in charge of selling the tickets because apparently, unlike his taxi driver, nobody there spoke English very well. Eliott fulfilled himself, maybe it was his bad accent or his pronunciation or actually no one on shift spoke that language, which he doubted because there must have been hundreds of tourists there, but in the end the girl on the other side of the cab managed to understand, after a difficult five minutes, what Eliott wanted.

And as luck would have it, the next ferry was leaving in about fifteen minutes. At this point, Eliott's stomach was roaring with hunger but he didn't pay much attention to it. He took advantage of those few minutes, bought something that the woman at the post assured him was "delicious" and waited patiently to board the Ferry. The trip was to last about three hours. Eliott knew that he had rested enough on the plane but that didn't take away from the fact that the trip was being a bit exhausting for him, even so the excitement of the unknown, the wanting to discover this place, all the excitement after so many years of waiting, was keeping him up and ready to sit there for three hours, and just enjoy the huge ocean.

And so it was, the view that held those three hours was impressive. He had never had the opportunity to get on a boat before and for his first time, he didn't do as badly as he imagined. The air still hit his face every few minutes when a breeze blew in his direction, and he could feel his hair back and the sea receiving him with open arms. Everything in front of him was blue. A beautiful navy blue that could easily be mistaken for crystallized. It was peaceful. He was letting himself go against the rhythm of the ferry, slowly and gently. He had never been a big fan of the ocean, in fact the few times he went alone were just a few minutes before he got bored and decided to go on to the next thing, but this was different. This was infinite. There wasn't a single sign of life on land other than that boat. On the horizon, beyond, there was a thin line that marked the beginning of the sky. The sky was a lighter shade of almost white, with no clouds above and only the hot, yellow sun beating down on those calm waters.

After what seemed like an hour, which was not, Eliott could finally see the mountains in the distance. Skopelos. A city of less than ten thousand inhabitants that had all the view to the sea every day since that small island existed. And he was fascinated. It was impressive to see those two mountains, one in front of the other, with some houses, trees, from the distance you could see the different color of flowers and species that came out of the green blanket that the trees gave away. That place took Eliott's breath away the first time, and he could not help but smile so eagerly. He couldn't take his eyes off that beauty. He remembered every light, every shade of color, every shape, recording in his mind every detail and then trying to copy and have an exact replica of this moment in his sketchbook.

A strange feeling completely flooded Eliott's heart. Something felt so right. It was as if he had just found his place in the world. Maybe Lucas was right after all, maybe this is the home he was looking for.

_As I would love for you to see this._ Eliott thought silently as he pushed his suitcase down the path to the harbor.

It was a little after three o'clock in the afternoon and his appointment with the owner of the house where he was going to stay had been arranged for around four o'clock in the afternoon. That gave Eliott enough time to go to some restaurant near there and eat like his stomach had been asking him for a long time to eat.

The restaurant was like a huge house divided in two with light blue balconies. In front of the first house there was a sign with something written in Greek. At the entrance there were several tables with a huge white tent on top of them to cover their guests from rain or the heat of the sun. The door and window frames were made of wood and the walls as well as the floor were made of smooth white stone. Inside the place was quite empty. Eliott assumed that most people in that place ate early and that everyone there at that time was mostly tourists like him. But that wasn't important, the only thing he wanted at that moment was to be able to fill his appetite, to drink a cold beer that would silence that heat he was feeling and maybe later, when he had received the keys to the house, to sleep a little, so that that little pain he was feeling in his lower back would disappear.

And that's what he did, an hour after he ate and met with Viktor. Eliott was lying on the bed face down with his eyes closed enjoying the sound of the few waves that were hitting the sand from a distance.

Who'd have thought his first trip would only leave him half dead from exhaustion?

* * *

"What took you two so long?" Arthur asked them when they got to the table but nobody was sitting down anymore.

Basile was nowhere to be found like Daphne, Sofiane and Imane. It was just Arthur. "Where's the rest?" Lucas asked his friend.

Arthur looked up from his cell phone for a moment with a frown before turning it down again and finishing writing some text messages. "They went ahead and went to the movies to buy tickets." Arthur explained to them and then put his cell phone in one of his pants pockets paying attention to his friends again. "We're staying because your share of the bill is still missing."

Both Eliott and Lucas nodded their heads. Eliott started to pull the money out of his wallet when he felt Arthur's hand stop him.

"No, let him pay." Arthur told Eliott while he was shaking his head at Lucas. Lucas, on the other hand, was frowning in confusion as if he had just missed something he was supposed to do. "He's your date." Arthur told Lucas by shaking his head again now pointing to Eliott. "you have to pay for his food." A small mocking smile was drawn on Arthur's face as he looked at each of them waiting for some reaction.

Lucas just rolled his eyes and dropped enough money on the table to cover both his and Eliott's bills. Arthur spun around picking up the money and started counting it.

Eliott opened his mouth to protest just as he caught Lucas’ glance, a small smile was coming from the corner of his lips, and then Lucas winked at him.

_God, give me the strength not to kiss this boy right here._

Arthur turned back to face the two of them and saw each with a scowl waiting. "Come on, we've got to go now, otherwise we'll be late and it'll be the fault of you two." Arthur protested as he walked over to the cashier, who was also the one that had served them, and he handed her the money.

Both guys came out of the restaurant. It was almost December and the cold was becoming more and more present. Eliott was wearing his brown jacket over his shoulders and Lucas, on the other hand, was wearing two sets of sweaters. A gray one below and on top of that, a blue one. Eliott made fun of him the first time he saw him wearing that ridiculous outfit and asked him why he hadn't just bought a bigger jacket or even a coat that would keep him warm enough instead of having to wear two outfits to keep him warm. Lucas rolled his eyes in response and then lifted his middle finger as a sign of, "Fuck you."

Outside the restaurant Alexia was waiting for them and she kept moving around trying to get warm. Soon after, Arthur joined the three of them and the small group began to walk through the streets, well almost running because they were going against time, to the theater that was about five blocks away.

Lucas snorted several times as Eliott left him behind for a few steps. With every breath Lucas took, a wave of white smoke rose from his lips or his nose. It was getting quite cold, more so than other nights, and Eliott had to control his desire to raise his hand and take Lucas' in his hand. They couldn't do that. Not here. Not when he was three feet away from the other couple. Still, that didn't stop Lucas from bumping his body into Eliott's every now and then to try and stop the bigger guy from moving faster.

"It's so unfair." Lucas told him as he tried to keep his face neutral. "You have long legs, five steps and you'll be at the end of the block."

"Well, then you'll have to try even harder." Eliott answered him, and with that, he began to speed up his pace a little more. A laugh escaped his lips when he turned his face and found Lucas giving him a look that in another life could have killed him. The boy's nose was a little red at this point and his hands were hidden in his sweater pockets in an attempt to keep his fingers from freezing.

It wasn't such a long race because when they least felt it they had already reached their destination. And all his friends were waiting for them inside. The theater was not old, no, in fact Eliott remembered that it had been built in the mid 70's but still the finishes and everything around it screamed that it was a much older place. The candlesticks and the lamps that lit up the entrance. The carpeted floor and white walls with some red curtains covering the doors and windows. It was beautiful. Eliott had been there once when he was little but it wasn't much of a theater go but rather he preferred to go to the malls where the movie theater was, it was much more practical than spending a few extra euros for a bigger screen and a red armchair with wood finishes that would probably make him uncomfortable for hours. But being there he realized that maybe the experience wasn't so bad and that maybe it was worth going to these old places.

"Where were you?" Daphne asked her friends when she saw them going up the last few stairs to the third floor. Next to her was Imane who looked a little calmer.

"Has the movie started yet?" Alexia asked her friend after she caught her breath.

Daphne shook her head. "No, Basile didn't want to miss the film previews. Here," her friend handed Alexia two tickets. "You two, I couldn't find you a seat in the front so you'll have to settle for the back." She told Lucas and Eliott and then dropped two tickets on the younger guy's hands. "And don't fight me that it's your fault for coming late."

Lucas was going to open his mouth to say something. Maybe protest, but Eliott was quicker and he got ahead of himself. He placed one of his hands on Daphne's shoulders. "Thank God, an outing with three couples to see a French romantic movie about two old people who lived their lives together and still have to share a seat with all of you? Thank you for not torturing us anymore, Daphny."

Daphne raised her eyebrow, which clearly told her that she was judging him. "You're lucky I invited you."

"You're the one who's always telling me I have to go out." Eliott defended himself with the first thing he could think of to say.

"Yeah, if you'd let me get you a date... Or if you'd brought your mystery girl." Daphne reminded him what the original plan of all this was for him and then she let go of his arm by turning around and going to the entrance of the room. Imane gave him a little smile as she shook her head.

The rest of his friends went into the room one by one except Arthur, Lucas and Eliott. Arthur had disappeared at some point and Lucas, on the other hand, remained just to the right of Eliott.

"So, did you invite your mystery girl?" Lucas asked him quietly, with a small sideways smile on his face.

Eliott narrowed his eyes and shrugged. "I may have told her about this, uh, how do you say, four-date?"

Lucas did a little pouting in response to Eliott. "It's a shame she couldn't come. You're going to have to settle for me." Lucas gave Eliott the tickets without wiping his playful smile. "I'll get the popcorn. See you inside."

Eliott nodded his head and watched Lucas walk up the stairs until he could no longer see his hair moving up and down as Lucas turned to his right and disappeared into the big spiral of steps to the first floor where the candy store was located. Eliott looked down at the two tickets he still had in his hand.

> ## ROOM 8
> 
> **ADULT 12 €**
> 
> **Amour**
> 
> FUNCTION: 17/11/2012 06:05 pm Class -12
> 
> Condition of Sale: CASH Transaction: **2529893/188**
> 
> Saturday, November 17, 2012 05:49 PM Seat. **O-7**

The seats were almost the last ones in the room. His friends were about four rows ahead except for Imane and Sofiane who were a little further to the left side of the room. The row where they had been seated was not very crowded. About five seats away from him there was a group of girls, three to be exact, and on the right there was no one yet occupying seats. The truth is that the place was quite full, and is something they had not imagined would happen because this was a film that had been released a few months ago but that was put back on the screen for its high demand. So all his friends thought that nobody would go on a Saturday night to see a romantic French movie but apparently they were wrong because from the line in front of Eliott to almost in front, the place was full of people so far and he believed that there were still more people who were going to attend.

After all the advances were over and when they had stopped coming in and out and people in the room. Lucas appeared to walk slowly to the seat next to Eliott. The young boy tried to keep his balance with a soda pop in his hand and another by taking the box of popcorn while he asked permission to pass to where Eliott was.

"Sorry, there was a huge line." Lucas apologized after he dropped on the theater chair without any elegance and some popcorn fell next to him.

Eliott nodded in reply and put his hand in the food box, taking a few popcorns in his hand and then putting them in his mouth. "It's okay, at least you brought food. I had already begun to believe that you had met someone more attractive and you two ran away together."

Lucas laughed but then quickly fell silent when he realized that the whole place was already silent paying attention to the movie that was starting. "Were you worried?" Lucas asked him quietly.

And Elliott nodded again without taking his eyes off the popcorn box, his hand still poking around trying to catch the candy-flavored popcorn. "Yeah, right, a movie without food?" Eliott snorted in disgust. "As if to stop me from getting angry and wishing you the slowest and most painful death in the world."

"So you only cared about food, that's all." Lucas told him like he was trying to prove that he understood what Eliott told him.

The older boy approached the younger one and brushed his ear to whisper. "Do you want me to lie to you or tell you the truth?" Eliott didn't wait for him to give him an answer, even in a low voice he said. "Not only did that make me panic." He left a short kiss behind Lucas’ ear after saying those words and he felt how Lucas’ body had moved under that little touch, and then he parted, giving Lucas a smile in the dark that only the younger boy could see.

At that point the film credits stopped appearing on the screen and instead the sound of a door banging was heard, and then several men entered a house. Eliott took more popcorn but this time with his left hand while with the other hand, his right, he took Lucas hand between his and interlocked their fingers.

He had already assessed the distance his friends were from them, and taking into account that they were all the way behind the room, it was certain that no one would see them, besides the fact that all the people around them were strangers and he knew nothing about them. They were safe.

It was just the two of them. He and Lucas, no one else.

He took Lucas’ hand to his lips and, while looking at the screen, deposited a kiss on each knuckle of the youngest boy.

The truth is, Eliott was waiting for Lucas to freeze and take his hand off his, but he was surprised he didn't do it himself. Lucas gave a little squeeze to his interlocking hands and from the corner of his eyes, Eliott could see that Lucas was looking at him carefully before turning his face to the movie that was playing in front of them.

And deep down, that made Eliott very happy, and filled him with enormous relief.

* * *

The next five days flew by for Eliott. The time on that little island was really not felt. It was something quite magical. Like you couldn't count the hours or the minutes or the seconds. Eliott would just sit in front of the sea with his toes sunk in the thin white sand, and let it all go away. The clear, crystallized sea always called out to him. It was as if it was speaking to him in whispers and telling him to come closer, to touch him, that he could drop on it and that it would receive him with open arms.

It was something that hypnotized him but it was also something quite dangerous.

The second morning Eliott had spent there, he decided to go for a walk around seven in the morning. There weren't many people on the coast so he could take advantage of that time by himself. And so he did. The sky was starting to get a lighter color leaving the night behind and from the sea were coming small waves that hit the sand and then went back to their origin. Eliott was watching for a long time admiring that process. From time to time he saved backwards avoiding the water to touch his bare feet. The heat was already starting to come out but even so, it was still a cool morning and he couldn't imagine the temperature of the ocean at that moment. But then, Eliott doesn't remember when, he thought: "Fuck it", and he

touched the sea with his fingers and then little by little the water came up to his heels, and so it was getting closer and closer, he felt that it wasn't enough.

That he could still get closer. That he could go even deeper. That it was safe.

He wanted to go further.

And suddenly a voice shouted to him from afar, and that pulled him out of that transept he was in. He was no longer on the shore with the water up to his feet, but was about six meters away with the water a little higher than his chest almost touching the bottom of his throat. Eliott had never been so deep in the sea and the truth is that it was terrifying how intoxicating that feeling could be. He wasn't sure if it was the sensation, the sound, the sight or everything that made it so easy for the sea to deceive you. And he wasn't sure what would have happened if that person hadn't called him from a distance.

It was a girl. From a distance Eliott could see a dark complexion, curly hair and an outfit that didn't look like she was planning to go swimming. She shook her hand high and hard as a form of greeting. Eliott, on his side, swam to where he had left off but when he reached the shore of the beach. No one was there anymore.

After that little accident he had, he stopped getting so close to the sea. Realizing that the advice his mother had given him all these years: "Never disrespect the sea." He had some truth in it.

The next three days he had filled them with other interesting activities.

He would get up at about eight o'clock in the morning. The sun would come in through his bedroom window and the yellow rays would often touch the corners of his bed or warm his sheets while he was still asleep, so that was a rather pleasant way to wake up. The next thing he did was to make himself breakfast. The first thing he did when he got the keys to the house, well more like the second thing he did after his nap, was go to a grocery store and stock the refrigerator and some cabinets with enough food for those two weeks. It wasn't as if he went home to eat all three times of the day either. It was really just breakfast and sometimes dinner. The meal was something small, a plate with fruit, cereal, sometimes it was a glass of juice with some granola. He had kept up this habit of not filling his stomach too much in the morning.

After that little breakfast, he would bathe and change. And he would go down to the village where he would visit some markets, he would go into shops trying on some clothes, some gadgets that some shopkeepers sold, or sometimes he would just sit on some bench and take his book out from under his arm and start reading while listening to the sound of voices talking in different languages, different tones, some voices transmitting so much with just a

little word that he didn't know or a badly pronounced sentence in a vague attempt to communicate something in English.

So time passed until noon when hunger began to attack him and he walked, walked, and walked down those long white stone corridors with houses of the same color filled with trees or flowers on every corner of the street. And he would wander around until he found some restaurant or some coffee shop that offered something to silence his need for food. Eliott visited so many food places, he never repeated the same ones, he wanted to taste every dish that was offered to him. Some were more elaborate than others or more extravagant with their names in Greek and their pronunciation difficult to copy for his French tongue but there was none that would have displeased him. Well, maybe a few but it wasn't something he couldn't stand.

And the rest of the afternoon was spent at sea. Sometimes he would rent a motorbike and go exploring on the other side of the island. It was a place full of so much flora and fauna, and besides it was an island that at first sight looked small but actually had so many streets and some small villages, that if it wasn't for the existence of the roads and the directionals, Eliott was sure that he would have been lost a long time ago.

It wasn't until his seventh day, when he was passing in front of a store with huge windows and a sign with thick black letters, that Eliott decided he wanted to do something different that day. Something that he would make this trip hard to forget. He drew something that night in his dark-covered notebook. He stayed up until one in the morning trying to find the right figure, the perfect line, the curve that would outline the beginning and end of each drawing. And the next day, without wasting much time, he entered the place he had seen yesterday.

It was quite spacious, he couldn't imagine it because of how small it looked from the outside. The walls were white to gray and all sides were covered with black and white pictures and figures. Eliott stared for a few minutes at the entrance of the place hoping to give enough time to the girl who was behind a wooden table while she talked to some people. The place was not so crowded. It was only those two people and one more sitting between the waiting chairs. 

He was looking closely at a picture of a huge rose bush with little leaves around it that had a crescent on top with some stars on it. It was quite detailed and the flower was painted a pale pink color that accentuated very well with the white of the moon and the yellow of the stars. 

"Can I help you with something?" The checkout girl at the front desk asked him. Eliott noticed a little accent he hadn't heard before. 

"Yes, I'm here to have this done." Eliott answered her as he took the sheet of paper out of his back pocket and stretched it out with his hands on the table in front of the girl. 

She leaned her body, looking carefully at the details of the drawing. "Wow, you did it?" She asked him without looking up from the white piece of paper. Carefully she ran her index finger around the edges as if checking every line. 

"Yes, I did." He answered by hiding his hands in his trouser pockets. 

In spite of the passing of the years, Eliott never ceased to feel comfortable with others seeing him draw or seeing what he did. He used to like to leave his paintings or his art everywhere because he felt it was an extension of himself but as time went by, when he finished college and became a full time teacher he just stopped exhibiting his creations and dedicated himself completely to teaching. From time to time he drew, he did it almost all the time when he had time, especially in the evenings it was like therapy for him but everything he always did he never showed to anyone else. He always kept it to himself. 

"Could you make an appointment for me?" Eliott asked her after a long time. 

She nodded her head and for the first time looked up, she was smiling eagerly as if she had just discovered something wonderful. "Of course. He's going to love it." 

And so it was that after half an hour Eliott found himself sitting in a black chair with a sloping back waiting for the boy in front of him to finish making the final touches to his sketch. 

"It's quite nice, very well done if I'm honest." The boy was telling him when he turned in his chair and approached him applying some gel to the underside of his ribs. 

The guy was maybe in his thirties or a little older maybe. The color of his hair was a light brown that with perfect illumination could pass for a blond and his features were quite thick, his jaw was square and well-made as was his nose that was neither so fine and thin but not thick and coarse either. The boy's eyes were a light green color that sometimes glowed yellow. He was quite attractive. His tanned skin and long forehead, was someone that Eliott would have noticed at any other time and he did, he noticed how the boy moved around him and how he smiled at him from time to time. He also caught his expression when Eva, the girl at the reception, handed him the drawing. 

"This may hurt a little, but you'll slowly get used to the feeling." He finished telling him while soaking the needle with the black ink. "I'm going to try to do it as fast as I can, but I need you to stay put." 

Eliott nodded in response to what he had said and then heard the machine start making noise. And he closed his eyes looking forward with his right arm behind his head. He was right, if it hurt a little it was like a burn on the skin but he was also right when he said that the sensation would go away because little by little, Eliott felt some pleasure in what was happening. He could now understand why people became addicted to these things. The needle on your skin, the sound, the heat, the cold later, the ink going deep into you. 

It was so strange. It was like tasting pure adrenaline and the release of that emotion, and everything, at the same time. 

"If it's not too much trouble to ask, but why this?" The boy's voice interrupted him from the wave of thoughts that were crossing Eliott's mind at the time. 

And without opening his eyes, Elliott answered him. "This trip is important to me and I wanted something to remind me of what I've been through here these days." 

He heard the boy next to him breathe a little and then run a wet towel over his skin that was now starting to feel a little warm over his muscles. "Yeah, I figured that was it, but these figures here."

Eliott hesitated for a second whether to say something or not, but after debating it for a while he realized that it was better to talk things over instead of keeping them quiet. Besides, this was a person he would surely never see again, and although his job was to do this all the time, surely this, the talk, was also part of his job. Asking people, what had prompted them to leave a permanent mark on them or what hidden message was hidden words or figures they had chosen for them. 

"It's the reason I came here." 

The boy stopped the needle and Eliott could hear the wheels of his chair moving sideways. He opened his eyes and found the boy looking through the drawers of a table in the corner of the room, and then came back. The machine had also stopped until there was no more noise. 

The boy returned and carefully passed a new sterile towel over Eliott's swollen red skin, finishing off the ink and blood. "Well, your partner's going to love it." The boy concluded with a small smile on his lips. 

Eliott shook his head slowly. "No, I don't have a partner." 

The boy first frowned and then opened his mouth a little to form a small "o". Eliott suddenly felt like laughing when he noticed how confused that man was in front of him. But all he did was shrug his shoulders. "It's a bit complicated to explain, or rather, a long story." 

The man had started to spread some gel on Eliott's new tattoo and nodded slowly without taking his eyes off his latest and most recent work so far. "I get it." He replied before putting a bandage on it, being careful not to make contact with the newly abused skin. "Well, at least now he has something to look forward to." 

Eliott got up from his reclining chair and walked to the mirror next to the door to see what he had created and was breathless, again, for the third time on that journey. The tattoo was beautiful. He could never find the words to describe how good he looked there on his ribs. It was a circle but not just any circle but a circle formed by the water of the sea and inside that circle were the waves of the sea, but they were not just waves, if you looked at them closely you could see that it was a face, the trace of a nose and lips that were open as if he was getting a kiss... A kiss to the sky. You could not define where the kiss begins and where it ends.

It's perfect. 

_Just like us._ Said a little voice to Eliott inside. 

"I love it, thank you." Eliott told the boy without taking his eyes off the tattoo. His face was hurting so much for the smile but he couldn't help it. It was the best thing he'd seen in a long time.

Eventually Eliott had to drop his shirt on his shoulders letting the fabric cover that freshly made work, he didn't think he would ever stop admiring how beautiful it was. No, he didn't want to ever stop seeing it. When he was paying at the reception with the redheaded girl who gave him a huge, excited smile, she asked him to let her see the tattoo as soon as she saw him leave the room. She bent down and looked at it just as carefully as she had done with the sheet of paper. Eliott paid for the work with great pleasure, he felt very satisfied with the work that the guy had done and he felt that no one except the boy could have followed the same strokes he had made in his sketch. And just as he was about to leave the shop, the boy stopped him. 

"Hey," Eliott spun his body around meeting the tattoo guy. He was giving her a sideways smile. "wouldn't you like to go out for a drink?" 

Eliott froze to death right there. He wasn't quite sure how to react to that invitation and that's when he pictured everything that was happening. The smiles, the looks, the touches, how the boy had referred to Eliott's explanation as: "partner" and not as "girlfriend or boyfriend", was testing him and apparently Eliott passed because if it was not so, he would not be standing there asking him to go out together on a date? No, it couldn't be possible but also a part of Eliott knew that he had to move on and if this was fate or whatever it was throwing him a second chance. He had to at least try. 

He breathed a sigh and nodded his head in agreement with the boy. "Of course I do. I'd love to." 

The boy approached him, offering his hand as a greeting. "I'm Joe, by the way." 

And that's when Eliott realized that they hadn't introduced themselves properly either, that he never told Joe his name. Eliott shook his hand and he smiled a little more when he felt Joe's warm hand over his and how the boy didn't take his eyes off of Eliott's. 

"Pleased to meet you. I'm Eliott." 

God, from here he could feel Eva's body vibrating. 

* * *

All right, this couldn't be that bad. Eliott had already dated people before and after Lucas. And this wasn't supposed to be any different, but maybe a part of him was nervous about it all. What if he was doing it wrong? What if this was a sign of fate, and he was going to screw it up? Is it okay to do this where Lucas was planning on spending the rest of his life with him? God, Eliott, calm down a little. It's just a few drinks. It's not like they're going to get married. But the thing is, Eliott does find Joe pretty attractive, he likes him a little bit, and maybe that's a sign, even though he was always like that with all his previous partners. A girl he thought was cute or interesting and soon he got bored or felt bad or wrong about it. 

Eliott didn't know if he expected to be wrong and deep down he was hoping this was something more or if a part of him was really afraid and wanted his mind to self-sabotage and ruin everything so he wouldn't do anything that might be disrespectful to Lucas, but damn it, it's been more than ten years loving someone who's gone. 

It's crazy to go through life saying, "Oh yeah, and by the way, I've still been in love with one of my lovers for over ten years, what? No, we weren't husbands, no, I don't think we were even boyfriends." 

Eliott realized how ridiculous and sad that sounded as he walked up the last few steps of the road that led him to the bar where he was going to meet Joe. The place was pretty full. And it was something you could expect if it was Saturday night and they were in a place that was quite visited by tourists. Eliott stood at the door looking around trying to locate the tattooed boy. 

He took out his cell phone trying to see if he had any calls or messages, trying not to look too nervous with the people who were there, coming in and out of the place. The idea of being stood up didn't sound so bad in his head. It was easier. It was better to leave like that and not try. This is a bad idea, Eliott, a very bad idea. Eliott's stomach started to turn badly and he felt like he was being dragged back to the edge. Jesus, before he had been dating longer and he hadn't even started and you feel the urge to run but at the same time the stubbornness to stand there and give him a chance. 

Nothing is lost by trying. Nothing. 

He went to the corner of the bar and asked the bartender to pour him a glass of rum and when he held it in his hand he drank it, letting the fluid burn his throat and warm his stomach. 

In front of the bar there was a small wooden stage with some instruments and from behind a door next to the keyboard came a man in his thirties who announced that the music show was about to begin, and a few minutes later, a girl with a boy wished everyone a good night. Some stopped their conversations to applaud or left their drinks to give the couple a round of applause. 

Eliott was starting to give up on this short and unexpected date when from the door he could visualize Joe coming in, but he didn't see Eliott and Eliott didn't make any attempt to approach him either. Suddenly, Eliott found himself walking backwards in the deepest corner of that place. Thank God the music started playing and the lights of the bar went down little by little until only the stage was illuminated. 

**_You're taking what you want right from me wrapped up in so much life is just the way you hold me._** The voice of the soft boy came out of the speakers while Eliott took the last drink from his glass and left it on the table. **_Boy, I'm looking for affection in all the wrong places and we'll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces._** Eliott didn't lose sight of Joe, who had now entered the place and was walking to the center of the bar looking around trying to find Eliott among all those people. Eliott lowered his body a little bit trying to cover himself with the body of all those who were in front of him. **_Remembering the times, they won't remember me our nights melt into sequels, you sink into me._ **Eliott felt so bad as he walked slowly along the straight line that it led him to the exit but he couldn't do this. He really couldn't this time, he thought he could do it but no, this was not right. Something was holding him back and not letting him go any further and that scared him. God, I'm fucked. **_Just a little bit of, oh boy, I'm looking for affection in all the wrong places._ **Eliott kept apologizing silently to each person he brushed against or had to move to make him move forward. 

And he finally made it. 

I was already outside. 

He walked quickly through the small square while, in the background, you could still hear the voice and lyrics of the song loud and clear. 

**_And we'll keep falling on each other to fill the empty spaces._ **

Christ, couldn't you make it harder? 

Eliott kept scolding himself the whole time he was walking and that's why he didn't realize where his feet were taking him until he found himself there in front of the sea. He was a little more agitated than on other days, perhaps because they had announced that a storm was coming, or it seemed that way because the sky was quite full of clouds that did not allow the moon to be seen and every so often there was thunder coming from far away. It would be a rainy night. The first one that would pass like this, with rain, wind, cold, without the need to feel the heat, the sweat sticking to the body with the sheets. It was going to be nice and cool. Eliott went to the seashore, a little far away so that the waves breaking against the sand would not wet him. And he stayed there enjoying the little silence. There were some restaurants and some bars nearby and the music and the laughter was visible but not as much as the present sound of the water. 

"I see you're already careful of the sea." Eliott heard someone telling him, and he didn't move at first because that voice... That voice had been heard before, and yes, he did remember whose it was. It was a voice that he thought he had forgotten what it sounded like but no, deep down, he could still recognize that voice that made his heart stop and his whole body alert. 

Eliott moved his face to where the voice was coming from and behind him was a ghost. Fuck, he'd had that much to drink? Is this a new level of insanity? 

Eliott opened his mouth wanting to say something but all that came out of his lips was a short: "No." And he kept on shaking his head slowly without taking his eyes off of Lucas’ blue eyes. Oh, God, no. 

"Eliott." Lucas, or whatever it was, told him at the same time he took a step near him. It can't be him. No, it's not Lucas, this is a figment of his imagination or Lucas’ own ghost but he wasn't real. 

Eliott closed and opened his eyes again but he was still there. A little closer than before but he was there. His feet sank a little on the sand, his legs were a little thicker and higher, his skin was a darker and tanned color, his hands rested on the sides of his body, his chest was straight as if he was afraid to make any movement that could make Eliott run like a scared animal, his face was not as thin as before, he had grown, he had aged. Lucas looked bigger, brighter, stronger, his hair was still flowing but it was much longer than the last time he saw him and now it was almost blond. No, that couldn't be real. No. 

"No," Eliott kept repeating as he stepped back a little until he felt the wet sand on one of his palms. "no, you're not real." 

Lucas swallowed saliva heavily and bit his lower lip. No, it can't be. And he lowered his eyes into his hands for a moment before meeting Eliott's again. "Eliott, you have to listen to me." He wet his lips before continuing. "I'm Lucas." 

Eliott was grateful in silence that he was sitting or almost lying on the sand because otherwise, at any moment between that and the next, he would have fainted right there. 

"Why?" That's all Eliott can say in a whisper that only he and the sea can hear. 

* * *

Two and a half hours after they had entered that same two doors. Now the eight friends were standing outside the theater waiting for the cabs they had ordered. Lucas was standing next to Eliott, the boy kept moving back and forth making every effort to get warm. It was a little after eight o'clock at night and they would have to get to the boarding school in record time if they did not want to be punished, call their parents or even be left outside the boarding school. Eliott had to bite the inside of his left cheek every time he looked at Lucas’ red nose, scowl and sore lips. He looked so angry but at the same time so tender there on the sidewalk with his two sweaters and his legs together trying to keep as much heat as possible. 

The two cabs that had been waiting for him arrived a few minutes apart and when Daphne was sending Lucas and Eliott to each cab separately, Lucas put a hand on his arm and stopped him before he went in with Alexia. 

"We're going to leave in another cab." Lucas told Daphne.

"But if there are two cabs here, we can fit all eight of them in perfectly." The blonde girl responded to the younger boy by looking a little upset about the sudden change of plans.

"Yes, but you're not going to force us into a car with other couples." Lucas answered her with a raised eyebrow as if he had just made a valid point. 

Daphne turned her eyes in response. "It's just a trip, it's no big deal." Lucas shrugged his shoulders, his friend rolled her eyes again and then pointed at both of them with her index finger. "You're late and I'm not going to talk to anyone for help, it's your problem and you solve it." Daphne said to both of them while throwing that threatening look at each other. 

Both Lucas and Eliott simultaneously nodded their heads in agreement that they understood her warning perfectly. All of their friends got settled in the taxi and then both boys watched as both yellow cars disappeared down the street until they could no longer be seen at the end of the block. Eliott turned to Lucas and narrowed his eyes while looking at him carefully. The younger boy bit his lower lip and kept looking forward, completely ignoring Eliott's insistent gaze. And then little by little he saw him out of the corner of his eye but looked back to the front of the street as if there were still people who could see him together. 

"Another cab?" Eliott asked Lucas, still unable to erase the look of disbelief he imagined was all over his face. 

Lucas only shrugged his shoulders in response as he had done with Daphne a few minutes earlier.

Eliott was going to ask him when that cab he had ordered it but just as he was about to throw the question the cab stopped about two meters away from them. Lucas only took Eliott's hand between his and pushed him a little towards the door of the vehicle to which Eliott followed him closely and then Lucas opened the door offering him to enter first and that's what Eliott did. It was already when they were inside that Eliott realized how cold he felt. He hadn't noticed that his fingers were almost frozen and that his face felt a little numb from spending so much time out there in that temperature that it was falling more and more. 

Lucas indicated to the taxi driver the address of the boarding school and asked him if he could make the trip in the shortest time possible. The taxi driver only examined both of them from the rearview mirror and let out a small grunt as he looked back at the road. 

Both Lucas and Eliott remained silent for a few minutes looking around them, outside the windows few people could be seen walking in the street and most were warm enough to cover themselves from the cold storm that at some point began to develop in front of them. It looked as if it would rain any minute. And that somehow moved Eliott, it's been a long time since he enjoyed weather like this and to be honest, rain was one of his favorite things in the world. 

Eliott was concentrating on the heat coming out of the car's ventilation when he felt Lucas' hand on his, and he turned his face around and found a little smile from the younger boy who was hiding in the darkness of that little place. Eliott couldn't help but smile too, he could clearly see how Lucas' smile was growing little by little and then he bit his lower lip nervously. 

Why are you so cute? Eliott wanted to ask the blue-eyed boy. 

"Thank you." Lucas told Eliott instead, and then he got a little closer to him by cutting the distance between them. Eliott laid his head on the back of the black armchair and bowed his head a little more without missing a second the way Lucas lowered his gaze to Eliott's lips and then raised them to meet his eyes and finally he smiled mischievously. 

Eliott knew very well what Lucas was thinking, and he wanted it, too. He wanted it. He really needed it. 

He closed his eyes expecting to feel the warmth of Lucas’ lips on his own and so it was, in a matter of seconds everything that separated them had completely disappeared and it was just the two of them again. Lucas and Eliott. The kiss was slow. Loving. Almost as if they were talking to each other, as if Lucas was saying little words in silence for only Eliott to hear, and it was as if Eliott was paying attention to every single thing said and done. He shuddered at first to feel the contact of Lucas’ nose and cold cheek against his own skin but little by little the younger boy got warmer because, Eliott was one hundred percent sure, Lucas’ cheeks blushed, because with his hand hollowing out that part of the younger boy's face Eliott could feel his fingers filling up with that warm feeling. And that made him smile. Even after those short three months he was still able to make Lucas feel that way and Lucas still made him feel that way as if it was the first time they had ever kissed or been together. 

Lucas had his hand on the back of Eliott's neck and raised his fingers to caress the bottom of his hair while Eliott separated himself at times to change his face position to give him more access to the kiss. Even though both were so into what they were doing, they could still feel the car moving and from one moment to the next the taxi turned which forced Lucas’ body to get closer to Eliott's body leaving their legs crossed on top of each other without taking off their lips. 

Lucas smiled down at Eliott's lips which made him laugh too and made it impossible for the two of them to continue kissing as before. Which was good because the driver just stopped the car in front of the high black gate of the boarding school. Even in the darkness you could see those two red spots painted on Lucas' cheeks and neck. Eliott was tempted to move his lips closer to that part of Lucas' body but they had to get out of the taxi and go to the boarding school before nine o'clock. As if Lucas was reading his thoughts again, he separated from Eliott and slid out. Eliott leaned forward and left a ticket covering the trip plus tip for the taxi driver and then did the same as Lucas. 

Outside the air was colder or perhaps it was the change in temperature, moving from something cozy and comfortable to the freezing night of November. Lucas caressed his arms trying to get warm again.

"Hey, you didn't let me pay." Lucas threw a little fight at Eliott as they walked to the front door. 

"You paid for dinner, it's the least I could do." Eliott replied, his eyes were stuck in his shoes trying to be careful not to step on anything that could hurt him. 

Lucas pushed him a little sideways against his body, which made Eliott look up to meet Lucas’ face. He wasn't smiling anymore; he was a little more serious than before but you could still see that gleam in his eyes as if that night had been the craziest adventure that had happened to him in a long time. 

Also, Lucas, being with you is an adventure. 

"That wasn't such a bad plan." Eliott told the kid trying to sound a little more relaxed. 

Lucas nodded slowly and took Eliott's arm for a few seconds. "We could do it again, but without the couples this time." 

"You mean a real date?" 

Lucas nodded again. "Yes, this is how you pay me for tonight." Lucas let go of his arm after telling him that and they continued walking in silence until they both reached the door of their respective rooms. 

Eliott wouldn't even have to think about what he had to do for that date. He already had it all planned out in his head. 

* * *

"Eliott." Lucas got his attention again. The boy in front of him moved as before. He was just standing there still with his arms on either side of his body and his lower lip inside his teeth trying to stay calm. 

The desire to cry began to come in full force. No. It can't be real. How? How can Lucas be standing six feet away when Lucas has been dead for over ten years? It doesn't make sense. And to Eliott's surprise, he doesn't shed any tears, instead he drops a little gasp that sounds more like a bitter laugh that has no hint of a laugh. There's nothing funny about everything that's happening at the moment but he doesn't know what else to do. Is this real? Really? You're not dreaming? That's when Eliott happens to do something, he knew what he had to do right when the water touched his fingertips, he gets up from the sand and goes over to Lucas? 

They were both within inches of each other. Eliott swallowed heavily on saliva while raising his left hand and brushing against... Lucas' jaw. 

Yeah, he was real. 

Lucas' eyes opened a little more and he and Eliott took a step back as if that simple contact had sent an electric current through his body and they had to separate so as not to end up hurt. And yes, it's real. And yes, the desire to cry disappeared because all Eliott felt at that moment was confusion, frustration, anger. And as if Lucas could see what he was thinking, the boy, or rather, the man in front of him, approached again but backed away when he saw the expression that was drawn on Eliott's face. 

"I'm sorry." That was all Lucas could tell him before he bit his lower lip again hard and hid his hands between the pockets of the shorts he was wearing. "I understand if this is difficult for you... I... I don't... I'm sorry, Eliott." 

"I thought you were dead." Eliott accused Lucas, and he took another step back and kept shaking his head. 

"I know." Lucas answered him in a low voice and under his eyes to the sand in front of him. 

The rage Eliott was feeling now couldn't compare to the rage he was feeling about three seconds ago. He now felt his cheeks heating up as well as his ears which were probably burning red and his teeth were hurting from how much he was clenching them more and more. Eliott wet his lower lip as he held both hands to his head and turned his head away trying to concentrate on staying calm. There was no way this was happening. No. No. No. 

Eliott took several deep breaths and closed his eyes trying to think of what to say. He couldn't explode. He couldn't have an anxiety attack now. Not here. Not now. Not with Lucas. 

God, Lucas, why? 

Lucas called him again, but Eliott interrupted him before he finished saying his name. He couldn't bear to hear Lucas say his name again. It would make him lose his mind more and he was starting to feel dizzy enough at that point to add more pressure. 

"Shut up." Eliott responded with the sharpest possible voice but the lump in his throat was making it difficult for him to breathe. They were tears of anger. Eliott knew that. He had experienced them so many times and knew when that strong heat in his chest along with the itchiness in his eyes threatened to explode everything in his path. Eliott opened his eyes to meet Lucas' eyes again. "How could you possibly know? How did you live all these years in here knowing that I was out there believing you were dead?" Lucas opened his mouth again but Eliott continued to speak as he marked each word strongly in an attempt to make Lucas feel how he was feeling. "How could you leave me out there? How could you leave me alone for ten years?" 

"I don't."

"No, Lucas, how the fuck did you let me suffer for ten years? How could you do that to me?" 

Lucas clenched his jaw hard just like Eliott. And he could see how Lucas' eyes were slowly turning a sharp blue full of steel. 

"Do you think it was easy for me? Do you think I wanted it? Do you think I wanted to leave you? Hell no, Eliott! I've been waiting for you for ten years, ten fucking years here hoping that one day you'd come here." 

Eliott let out a strong blow full of irony and turned his eyes to time. "Wow, you wanted me to guess clearly." 

"I left you a letter." Lucas fought back. The boy waved his arms around. "What else did you want me to do?"

"I don't know, maybe a clearer postscript that would say, 'By the way, I'm not dead. I'm on Skopelos. ' Did you really want me to guess that you were alive?" Eliott asked him with his eyes closed and his arms now crossed over his chest." 

"Did you really want me to leave you a letter telling you about my plan while the police were investigating me for a murder I didn't commit?" Lucas answered him with the same cold tone of voice and his eyes equally narrowed. 

The anger was beginning to cloud Eliott's vision and before he had time to think he was pushing Lucas’ chest with all his strength as he continued to spit out everything that crossed his mind. "Fuck you, okay? You have no right to play the offended role here when you're the one who abandoned me. Was it so hard for you to tell me what are you going to do? Was it easier to let me suffer?" The tears of bitterness began to run down his cheeks but he could not stop, now that he had begun there was nothing to stop him. "Do you have any idea how hard it was to live without you? You can't−" 

"Yes." Lucas said to him quietly. The shorter boy hadn't tried to stop Eliott's punches. He simply took both of Eliott's dolls as if he were helping Eliott punish himself as well. Eliott let out a small gasp as he felt Lucas' skin against his, his soft grip contrasting against all the noise and strong vibes Eliott felt inside his body. "Yes, I know what it feels like to live without you, but I also know that your pain is no less than mine. And I feel it. I didn't want to do it but I had to, Eliott, I couldn't put you in danger. I− This wasn't part of the plan." Eliott under his gaze and bit his lower lip very hard trying to keep his anger from coming back out of his mouth. 

Damn it. He didn't want it to be like that either. 

"Please let me explain. I understand if you don't want to hear from me after this but please just listen to me. That's all I'm asking." Lucas asked him, no, he begged him. And something inside Eliott's chest got a little smaller hearing those words from Lucas. 

Damn it. No, Eliott, don't. 

Such a big part of Eliott wished so much that he could turn around and leave. He didn't deserve this. No, he didn't deserve all that pain and those lost years. He didn't deserve to have spent so much time questioning his actions and hating himself or others. No, he couldn't just forgive him. But another part of him. A part of him that was so lost wanted to hear it. He wanted to be able to forgive him and put it all behind him. He wanted to be able to take him in his arms and embrace him. 

_This is what I've always wanted, isn't it?_ A voice said to Eliott in his head.

_But not like this._ Another voice answered him. 

And finally the first voice threw out the last line. _And you're just going to let it go like that?_

And Eliott finally nodded slowly because he wasn't sure if he could talk. He wasn't sure what his voice would sound like if he said something to Lucas so he just walked away from the shortest guy and wiped his cheeks quickly trying to erase any trace of his past emotions. 

Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't fucking cry, Eliott, not now. Not now. 

"Do you want to go for a walk? Looks like it's going to rain." Lucas told him after a long silence in which Eliott stood looking down at his feet on the sand. He sighed and raised his eyes in a frown. He just shrugged his shoulders in response and approached Lucas leaving enough distance to start his walk.

It was a little awkward at first. Eliott had forgotten what it was like to be around Lucas. He had not forgotten the sound of his voice, the heat that his body gave off every time he was near Eliott, God, he remembered perfectly the taste of Lucas lips on his own and could even close his eyes and see every detail of his face but this boy who was next to him was not Lucas, he was but it was not the same Lucas he had known. No, this was a complete stranger. His appearance had changed, he was now a little taller than the last time they had met and his hair as well as his skin was completely different and although his voice was still the same soft tone, something felt different from all this. He wasn't sure if his body would react the same as his. Who was this boy who had once loved with all the forces of the universe? What had happened to him? Had he recovered? Had he forgotten? Had he moved on? Was he with someone? Did he find love on a small island in Greece? But most importantly, was he happy?

Eliott saw out of the corner of his eye how Lucas swallowed saliva and bit his lower lip nervously. He felt that he could not yet see him in the eyes, no, not yet, not while Lucas was going to pour out his whole soul in front of him and tell him the whole truth.

_God, this can't be real._ Eliott thought for the umpteenth time in those last 30 minutes _This has got to be some kind of joke._

"I told you that my father had agreed with Charles' father to turn me in to the police, otherwise something very bad would happen to me." Lucas paused before Eliott nodded again. "Well, that was true. My father planted the evidence to incriminate me, he took it upon himself to have the whole investigation directed at me and it's okay, I mean, what was life in prison for a guy like me? What was I going to get? Forty? Fifty years in prison? At first I was willing to accept the fate that had be fallen me. I did it for Manon, I, I was offering to be the revenge of Adrien."

"I know." Eliott interrupted Lucas at this point, which caused the younger boy to stop short for a second and frown a little bit confusedly. Eliott also stopped and bit his lower lip meeting Lucas' eyes for the first time since he had started talking. "Manon told me the day of _your funeral._ " Eliott uttered that last word, filling it with the coldest, sharpest feeling he could.

"Right." Lucas' chest fell before he got back on track. Eliott tried to keep up. Apparently, Lucas' steps were still as short as they had been years ago so he had to force himself to walk slower so as not to leave the boy behind. That thought brought back so many memories that he could feel the tears building up in his eyes but he swallowed hard trying to hide the knot in his throat that was becoming more and more present. "I loved Manon so much you know? Even after everything that happened between the two of us, she was my best friend, my sister, she was there when I needed someone by my side the most, she was my comfort for so many years and yes, losing her was such a pain that I had to learn to live with but I still loved her. I held her in such high esteem and still had hope that the girl who snuck into my room at night and hugged me tightly until I fell asleep, was there, hiding in the background and that what had happened with Charles was not her fault. She was tired and I don't know, I felt partly guilty that all that happened. I left her and I couldn't do anything to save her and stop all that from happening so when my father was talking to Charles' father about giving Manon away something inside of me went up. I thought that was my chance to do something right. Not to let her live her life and abandon her, no, it was my time to help her. I don't know what it was, but I couldn't help it.”

Eliott yes, he remembered what Manon had said 11 years ago.

_Hero complex_ , that's how Manon had described it and Eliott had to bite his lip hard to avoid repeating those cruel words out loud.

"And I know I didn't have to." Lucas said quietly.

_Then why didn't you tell me? I don't understand._ Eliott wanted to ask you so badly, but it's like Lucas heard his words.

"And I couldn't tell you... If I had told you that night that I had offered. You− I− I wouldn't know how you would have reacted. I don't know, it was silly, I thought you were going to be angry with me and I didn't want to waste my last moments with you being angry, trying to solve something that had no solution or I also thought I was going to convince myself somehow to stay, that there was a way to do the right thing and you know what? I would have believed it; I would have given up my whole plan for you."

Eliott's chest felt heavier after hearing those words.

"I would've sent everything to hell for you, Eliott, and sometimes I wish I had." Lucas continued. His voice sounded more and more broken as if he too was having such a hard time pronouncing those words. "And I just hope that someday you can forgive me."

Eliott wanted to say something, to take Lucas hand, to hold him tightly and tell him that he had missed him so much, that he understood why he had done it even though he didn't share it completely, he wanted to tell him that he was sorry too that he hadn't been there for him, that he needed Lucas to forgive him too for not doing enough, and that he wanted to forgive him too. But Eliott couldn't. It was too much. It was all too much for him, so he kept quiet and let Lucas continue to explain everything that had happened all those years ago. He still needed to listen.

"The plan was Imane's idea." Lucas let go of that name like it was a bomb that was bound to go off at some point, and Eliott wasn't ready for that. Eliott's mouth opened and closed again several times. He didn't believe that the air was circulating through his lungs in the right way but still he took a deep breath and turned his face towards the dark ocean and the navy blue sky that was next to him now. Eliott couldn't believe that more questions had popped into his head but yes, he was more confused and scared now than before. Imane? Of all the people he could have thought had helped Lucas, which wasn't many, he couldn't think of it as Imane. Why her? "Imane and Manon were best friends long before Charles came into Manon's life. I'm not going to say that she and I had a close relationship because the only person we had in common was Manon but after she became Charles' girlfriend, Imane walked away from Manon and there were only the two of us left. Suddenly the person who brought us together had completely disappeared and what kept us together was that loss. She and I maintained this kind of friendship, you could say, we talked to each other from time to time, she helped me in my classes and one of us worried that the other one was fine but we also kept in touch to know how Manon was doing, if she was okay and if we could somehow help her".

Lucas had his hands hidden in his pants pockets now and his eyes were fixed on his feet.

"How?" Eliott found the strength to ask but could not continue to fear that Lucas would hear his voice breaking. He didn't know how to ask him or really what he wanted to know but Lucas must have imagined what he was asking because he answered him.

"Imane realized. She knew that something had happened, something else, something that neither Manon nor I had said. She came to me and wanted to talk but I didn't let her, I didn't want to involve people outside my shit so I told her it was nothing but she's smart." Eliott noticed how the corners of Lucas lips raised a little upwards, forming a small secret smile as if the simple memory of Imane made him laugh. Some memory that Eliott didn't share. "She didn't give up until she almost beat it out of me, besides being smart she's very stubborn. I asked her not to tell anyone and she respected that, only as

she could imagine, she asked me to tell the truth and when I refused and she realized that I was also a stubborn one. Imane came up with a plan, this plan, and at first I thought it was completely crazy to just fake my own death. It was like running away from the problem and never facing it. Nothing assured me that Charles' father wasn't going to hurt Manon or even that he wouldn't realize that my whole death was going to be a farce, but Imane had this whole big plan worked out. She assured me that a friend of her brother's was a doctor and that on the days when he wasn't taking turns at the hospital, he was performing autopsies and then delivering the body to the relatives with the results but that sometimes there were bodies that were never claimed so they would let some time pass before disposing of them". Lucas let the air he'd been holding in his lungs escape. "And I refused. I was very afraid, very doubtful, it all sounded very fanciful, very false, I didn't want to think that there was a third option, I didn't want to hurt Manon and I didn't want to hurt all of you. That plan not only meant that I would leave you, but that you would lose me as well."

Those last words sounded thin and fragile when they came from Lucas lips. Something inside Eliott trembled for a few seconds but he forced himself to swallow the knot that was settling in his lower throat.

"Imane's brother, Idriss, he contacted me and explained everything better. He assured me that everything would be fine and I believed him, I wanted to believe it so I accepted Imane's proposal... We were planning it for about three months. We had planned to do it in June but we had to improvise at the last minute. And the letter I wrote you, sorry, it all went so fast. I− I felt I was running out of time and so when I saw you on the dock I had to swallow all my fears and my insecurities and talk to you." Lucas stopped in front of Eliott. The older boy had to force himself to raise his eyes and find the young boy's blue eyes. "I couldn't leave without you knowing how much I loved you."

_I loved._ Ouch, that hurt.

"Lucas..." Eliott began to speak but the boy in front of him shook his head and raised his hands asking Eliott silently to let him continue talking.

"Please, Eli, you can doubt everything I did, you can doubt what I'm telling you, you can doubt if I'm the person you thought I was, you can doubt who I am, you can hate the Lucas who did that to you, you can hate this Lucas but please, _please never doubt_ how much I loved you, never hate what we were because it was the best thing that could have happened to me."

The tears were making it increasingly impossible to see Lucas face, and Eliott had to close his eyes for a second so he could concentrate on everything that was happening around him.

It's all too much, this is too much, Eliott just wanted to ask him to stop, which was too much. And deep down Eliott was grateful that the sky spoke for him because at that moment a thunderclap sounded in the distance, which made him open his eyes again to find himself with the broken face of anguish and pain of Lucas.

_Can you feel it? How much it hurts?_

"Come, it's going to start raining." Lucas said to him as he shook his head indicating that he should follow him. "My house is near; this is going to be a big storm."

Eliott walked beside Lucas all the way in a silence that in other circumstances would have been imagined as a comfortable walk but that was not the case, now both were lost in their own thoughts. Going through the whole conversation and hoping to hear or say, fill in some gaps that were still burning inside them, touch on issues and clarify, they were probably both struggling to control the emotions that were bubbling up inside them. Anxiety, fear, anguish, sadness, excitement, all seeing and meeting again the

known and discovering the unknown. But both were so lost, both were walking on a delicate not knowing well where he was going.

And when Eliott's mind was beginning to clear up a bit, to form a coherent path of thoughts and when he was already feeling a little ready to say more than one sentence in a row. It was at that moment that Lucas announced that they were already in his house, and yes, he was absolutely right because they were quite close. That ride couldn't have taken them more than five minutes but for Eliott it could have been an eternity. His feet had moved carefully, slowly and bit by bit, almost as if he had to move one foot and then the other, and it seemed that either Lucas had just tried to follow the languid pace of the older boy.

Lucas placed his back in front of the tall white wooden door without missing Eliott.

Lucas must have noticed his expression on his face because he knew that there was something he wanted to say to him. He bowed his face without taking his eyes off his face. "What is it?"

Maybe after so many years Lucas could still read it as an open book or maybe Eliott was still very transparent with his emotions.

Eliott bit his lower lip before letting go of the question he had wanted to ask him for years and here, now, standing in front of Lucas, he could discover the answer.

"What were you good at?"

Lucas frown deepened and his mouth formed a small "o".

"In your letter." Eliott kept talking hoping to clear up Lucas' doubts. "You said in your letter that you weren't good at anything except one thing, which is?"

The blue eyes enlarged in surprise and Eliott could follow with his eyes the movement of Adam's apple of Lucas when he swallowed dry.

"In loving you." Lucas' crooked smile shook for a moment, his eyes had filled with tears and his fingers were rubbing his knuckles trying to disguise the little tremor in his hands. "That was the only thing he was good at. It sounds so corny but it's true, I found it so easy to love you that it was the only thing I wanted to do for the rest of my life."

It was all being too much.

"Lucas..." This is too much, please stop. "It hurts so much."

"I know." Lucas responded quickly by getting close to Eliott, hoping he'd walk away or make a move, but he couldn't do anything. Eliott stood there because he was afraid that if he did something it might be too good or too bad.

"You hurt me." Tears were streaming out without warning and now they were soaking both his cheeks, his lower lip was shaking uncontrollably. He was so embarrassed, standing there crying like a little boy, a boy who had just lost his favorite toy or his mother had just said no to some candy he wanted. He felt ridiculous for expecting this man in front of him to love him or expecting him to forgive this blue-eyed man he had come to love so desperately eleven years ago.

Lucas' hands hugged his cheeks and the little boy stuck his forehead together without letting go. Eliott closed his eyes letting himself be gently caressed, letting himself be filled with Lucas presence, his breath beating his face, the warmth of his skin, his soft voice that many nights whispered words full of so much love. "I know, baby, I'm so sorry." Eliott gasped at the mention of the pet's name but kept his eyes closed and cried.

No, not yet, he's not ready to face those blue eyes. No, please don't. Eliott's hands hurt from the effort he was making to hug Lucas' shirt into a fist. He didn't even realize when he had approached him.

"I'm so sorry."

Lucas whispers under his breath like it's a secret what he's telling Eliott. As if he could not say the words aloud with fear that he would run away but Eliott does not want to run, not anymore, he is so tired right now and that is when he realizes that not only he has been hiding so much for years, that he is not the only one who had to run, he is not the only one who hurt people he loved, he was not the only one who lost the boy he loved, and with those thoughts Eliott approached Lucas to him and held him in a hug. A hug that could have healed them but at that moment they just wanted to comfort themselves. Eleven years of waiting to feel that warmth in the pit of their stomach again. Eleven years of waiting to be able to fit his arms into Lucas'. No body had ever been as perfect as Lucas'. It was like he was made to be with Eliott. They both buried their faces in each other's necks trying to drown out the gasps and crying that emanated from their lips with the sound of rain falling and the waves of the sea hitting the sand shore harder.

It hurts so much but not anymore. This shared pain. This pain that we both feel is less painful.

"I waited for you for so long." Lucas voice sounded so low and raspy as if he was having such a hard time talking. "I missed you so much." Eliott could taste the bitter taste of Lucas pain so he hugged Lucas waist and back more tightly trying to let him know that he was there, that his body was solid, that this was not a dream that would all evaporate the next day, that he understood it, that he still understood it, that no one else would understand it as he did. And deep down he embraces him because he need him to know that he still loves him. That his heart was beating so hard that he was afraid he was feeling it against his own chest. That he wasn't going anywhere. That Lucas would have to push him into the deepest part of the sea for Eliott to get away from him.

_God, I missed you too._

"I fucking missed you too."

Eliott is not sure how long they both remained buried in each other's bodies, arms tightened around their backs, waists, necks, lips rubbing against their collarbones, fingers digging deep into any piece of flesh they could find. He has no idea how long they were crying there in front of that white house with the rain hitting their backs and the sea pounding the sand shore. In the distance you could hear some music or people screaming trying to run away or chase the storm, but it was all so far away. Everything he could feel, hear, everything was full of the presence of Lucas and he did not know if he would be able to let go of the boy now that he had got him back so close. He didn't think he would be able to go back and leave, he didn't know if he would even be able to take a step away from him.

_This is a lot_. Eliott thought.

But again, another voice answered, _this is good._

But Lucas decided for both of them and the blue-eyed boy stepped back from him. He rubbed his eyes with his fist hand.

"Sorry." His voice was much hoarser than it was a few moments ago. "I− I shouldn't have. I'm sorry." Eliott wanted to tell him he was fine but he just bit his lip and nodded to the boy who understood. "I− I think you should go back."

Eliott felt like a cold sharp knife had been plunged into his chest.

Ouch. Sure. He's got stuff to do. None of this means he still sees you the way you've seen him all these years. Right. He said he loved you. Loved. Word in the past tense, silly Eliott...

"You should go back to your family." Lucas said to him now with his blue eyes looking at his face. As if he were studying every trace of emotion that crosses Eliott's face. What might have been confusion, disbelief, surprise, and finally a little smile.

"What?" It was Eliott's turn to ask, his voice sounding a bit funny as he let out a little laugh.

"Your family" Lucas kept trying to explain. "The people you came on this trip with."

"What are you talking about?" Eliott asked him, and that time it was Lucas' turn to frown in confusion.

The reality of all that was running hit Eliott hard in front of his face and he realized what Lucas was really trying to let him know or, rather, what Lucas was imagining and the simple idea only made the older boy laugh more while shaking his head quickly.

"I come alone, Lucas," he paused for a moment examining the face of the younger boy who now nervously bit his lower lip. "I'm not with anyone."

He could have sworn he saw how Lucas face relaxed and his eyes lit up for a few moments. That made Eliott's chest fill up with a warm sensation that he hadn't felt for a long time but that he could still recognize as a vague but constant memory.

"Then I think it's best that you come in." Lucas offered at the same time that he started to gesture to open the door, but then he stopped, turning his face a little to the left, seeing Eliott over his shoulder. "At least until this rain subsides."

And with that last one the youngest boy opened the door of his house without giving Eliott time to rest his invitation. The truth is that Eliott didn't know where he was either, he didn't only refer to the place physically but also to many other things. Doubts filled his mind again and he found himself in unfamiliar territory.

The rain was falling harder and harder now and the simple idea of leaving and walking home under those thick raindrops that night was the last thing Eliott wanted to do, so he followed the young boy. The entrance was a small path that led to another wooden gate of the same color as the previous one, only next to it there was an average-sized garden that had a lot of grass and some trees and rosebushes, and at the edge of the path there were lemons of different sizes watered all around. Eliott couldn't help but smile as he imagined Lucas planting that fruit and taking care of all his plants. An unfamiliar feeling warmed him inside as he thought there were parts of Lucas he didn't know and wanted to discover.

The youngest boy opened the door again very quickly. And before Eliott could think about it much he was already inside the place. He did the same as Lucas by leaving his shoes resting by the door and shook his arms a little in an attempt to make the little raindrops that had fallen on his arms disappear.

At the end, beyond the corridor, Eliott saw a warm light filtering from what he imagined was the living room. A great emptiness settled on his chest as he thought Lucas was not alone.

Of course, how could you imagine that someone like him would be single after so many years? Eliott began to scold himself mentally. And then in the distance he hears a loud sound coming from the side of the house, it was very fast footsteps, no, it wasn't footsteps, it was scratches that hit the floor and it couldn't be the footsteps of a person, no, unless it was someone who had more than two feet.

And halfway down the corridor into the hall Eliott registered in his field of vision a large dark creature that pushed hard on Lucas chest causing the younger boy to squirm back a few steps while he exclaimed words of joy and passed his hands lovingly over the animal's abundant fur.

Suddenly the dog stopped his cheerful movements and turned his face to Eliott's as if it was the first time he would notice his presence, and without thinking much about it he pounced on it placing his front paws on his chest and burying his nose all over Eliott's chest carefully registering every smell the older boy might have with him. Eliott could only laugh as he felt all the joy of this animal that he had never known but that somehow made him feel happy and full of life.

He was starting to feel better.

Lucas eyes were silently apologizing to him as a small, pleased smile was drawn across his face. "Sorry, she's not used to having many visitors.”

"Come, do you want something to drink?" Lucas led him inside his house to the kitchen. Eliott managed to get rid of the hug that had trapped the dog, but she was still following him closely while wagging her tail on either side.

Eliott took a seat in one of the three chairs around the table while Lucas opened the refrigerator and looked for some glasses that he ended up filling with some yellow liquid.

"I ran out of beer. Sorry." Lucas apologized with a shrug as he rested his glass in front of Eliott and took a seat at the side of the table not far from where the older boy was.

The little dog had laid her head on Eliott's lap, he couldn't help but see those honey-colored eyes that weren't watching without any dissimulation. She was, if he wasn't bad, a Border Collie. White with two large black spots around her eyes to her ears and an even larger spot on her back to the tip of her tail. She had some brown hair on the sides of her face. For a little dog that was supposed to be raised to be a guardian, she was actually quite friendly and trusting.

And as if Lucas had read his mind again, he said: "She's like that, she's quite sociable, or rather, quite gifted with people."

Eliott couldn't help but laugh at the tone of voice with which Lucas said that last word. As if it was unpleasant to even get along with people. A betrayal in the eyes of the younger boy.

"Is it yours?" Eliott asked and then looked up to find de Lucas who was following the soft movement of his left hand over the doggie's head.

Lucas nodded his head. "Yes, her name is Moira. It means destiny in Greek." Eliott raised his eyebrow which caused Lucas to roll his eyes in response. "I didn't name her, okay? She was already on her way with that package."

Eliott laughed again at the sight of that defensive, passive-aggressive, daring Lucas he'd known a few years earlier. Instead of continuing to explore that part of him, Eliott decided to keep asking about Moira who was now closing her eyes without moving from the position she was in.

"How old is she?" Eliott asked Lucas, which the boy shrugged again.

"About eight or nine years, I guess. I met her when she wasn't a puppy anymore. She used to go to the place where I worked to order food from time to time and I don't know, we became friends or well, I like to think that our love was built on each other's company and not just on the hams I stole for her."

Eliott laughed again as Lucas' smile grew bigger and his eyes filled with a glow that hasn't been there since he first found it on the beach. "It was a year or two later that I decided to adopt her. It was either her or keep my job."

"Job?" Eliott asked him, he bowed his face and frowned a little. He didn't understand why Lucas would have to decide if it was more important she or his work and also, why he would steal food for this little, not so little, creature.

Lucas nodded his head, taking a short sip from his lemonade glass and then licked his lower lip with his tongue. Eliott couldn't help but follow those movements with his eyes and a little warmth in his cheeks came over him. This forced him to look down at Moira who was now looking at him as if she had just caught him in the act.

Smart girl.

And that's when it occurred to him. "It can't be." Eliott said with his eyes and mouth open in surprise. Lucas was looking a little confused right now. "don't tell me you..." Lucas shrugged his shoulders with his left eyebrow raised slightly. "How can that be possible?"

Lucas rolled his eyes again. "Shut up, you never tasted my food so you can't say anything."

"Correct, but it's still surprising." Eliott replied with a small smile on his lips. There were so many things he didn't really know about Lucas and he didn't know if that scared him or made him more excited. Maybe it was a mixture of the two because he didn't realize when his hand stopped moving over Moira's fur until the little dog pushed his palm with her nose. "And this place, does it still exist?"

Lucas let out a small gasp of indignation. "Sure, smartass. If you're trying to insinuate that I burn down a restaurant, then no, I'm actually very good at it." Eliott didn't hesitate for a second. "So good that I'm now the Executive Chef." From the place where Eliott was sitting he could see Lucas' chest swell as if he were the boy who had just scored the highest grade in his class and felt obliged to show off and let everyone know that he was the smartest of them all. But there was no evil there, no envy, just a warm feeling and a little bit of melancholy, all of which filled Eliott's chest in a matter of seconds.

There's so much he did.

Before Eliott had time to answer this or overanalyze his feelings. Lucas continued. "Chef in my own restaurant."

"WHAT!?" Eliott couldn't help but drop a little exclamation point that sounded louder than he intended. "But who in their right mind would let you prepare their food."

Lucas rolled his eyes again with small exasperation a slight smile crept into the corners of his right lip. "Stop, you can't say that until you taste my food." Lucas pointed at him like he was giving a statement.

And Eliott's laugh was fading, as was Lucas' smile. A little silence settled in with it. And there it was again, the sadness that Eliott had tasted in pieces a few seconds ago, but again, as if Lucas knew where his thoughts were going, he kept talking.

Eliott wanted to say to Lucas that thank you. Thank you for always getting me out of my head.

"It's not that recent. In fact, I managed to open it about two years ago." Lucas explained to him. His eyes were on the glass that now rested on the table and his right hand kept caressing the transparent rim. "It took me a long time, but I made it."

"I was glad, Lucas," the younger boy looked up at Eliott and he swallowed. His eyes were a little sad, but he still had a trace of happiness or relief in them. The blue color that stays there even when you have so much inside you. Eliott wanted to raise his hand and stroke his cheekbones and let him know, in the way they could communicate, that he meant it. "I'm glad you built something on your own. That you found something that you like to do."

"Yeah, I had no choice, really." Lucas laughed a little. "You know my dream wasn't this, but sometimes life surprises you in many ways and when I came here I only had my savings. Don't be confused, it was quite a lot, my father always gave me these huge amounts of money every time I started the semester at boarding school. I don't know," Lucas shrugged, looking a little embarrassed. "Maybe he thought that way he wouldn't have to hear from me for a while. I don't know, he just did, but I never used the money. I just kept it for years. It didn't feel right to use my father's money and I didn't know what to do with it so I just saved it up. And when I got here the first thing I did was buy this house and I still had money, but not enough to not work for life, so I had to get a job like normal people."

"And this is how you end up in a restaurant?"

Lucas laughed again. "That's right, washing dishes." And that time it was Eliott's turn to laugh. "You'd be surprised how many jobs are available here for teenagers of almost eighteen with few personal documents."

"I can imagine." Eliott managed to answer while biting his lower lip trying to control his laugh.

"It was either that or I was beginning to use my slim body and my seduction skills, but it wasn't in my plans to catch some kind of disease so I had to accept the other."

"And did you?" Eliott didn't know what possessed him at that moment, but even when he thought about it his mouth was already uttering the words, and the laughter faded again and the silence gradually materialized between them. Lucas scowl also came back. "Were you with anyone else?"

Lucas slowly nodded and bit his lower lip as he lowered his eyes, nailing them at some point where Eliott couldn't see them clearly. "What about you?"

No, no, no, no, shame on you, don't be afraid. Eliott wanted to tell Lucas that neither of us owed each other anything. Neither of us did anything that should be afraid to talk about, but instead Eliott didn't say it, he decided to just answer truthfully.

"Yeah." Eliott answered him quietly. In all truth. "But it was not the same with them."

Finally, Lucas met his eyes again. Blue eyes filled with deep water that was building up around the edges of his eyes. "No," Lucas replied in a low voice as if he were afraid of breaking up the whole atmosphere they had created between the two of them. "It didn't feel like us."

God, please don't let this be a dream.

* * *

Eliott wasn't quite sure how long they were sitting at that little table, with Moira's head lying on his lap and the two of them talking, laughing, making some silly joke or just listening to the sound of rain outside. Lucas filled the glasses from time to time while Eliott talked to each other about his years after boarding school, college, his teaching work and his art. Lucas smiled and paid attention to his every word, opened his mouth in surprise when he should have and asked the questions that few people had dared to ask him.

Why don't you do your art anymore? Do you still do it? Have you been in exhibitions? Why don't you tell your parents? You should try to do something for yourself. Give yourself some time. It's good to help others, but what about you? You deserve it too.

He also told him about his family and especially his friends. Apparently Eliott wasn't the only one who lost Lucas all those years ago, his friends did, too. Even with Imane. He never spoke to her again, Imane didn't even know where the younger boy was. And Eliott began to understand how lonely it must have been for Lucas and how sad it was to leave a lifetime behind and go into a new place all alone.

Moira had disappeared a half hour ago after raising her head wearily and walking slowly towards the kitchen door where the sound of her legs against the floor grew more and more distant. Like the rain, the storm had ceased, yet drops continued to fall from the sky. It seems that Lucas was right. It had been quite a storm out there. But Eliott couldn't care less, after a long time he was finally starting to feel comfortable in the presence of someone else and not just anyone, it was Lucas, and he felt like he could do this all the time. Just the two of them talking, sharing the odd joke or two, dropping words of comfort or support, giving out little smiles and letting one make the other one blush or make him roll his eyes in response after a clever or bold comment.

Everything felt so natural.

Until Eliott noticed the numbers being dialed on the top of the stove. 2 AM. Wow, but where had all those hours gone? Had they really lost so much time and both sat at that little table for over six hours?

Lucas must have noticed the expression on his face and what was going through his head because just as he let go of the words:

"I think I should go."

Lucas said at the same time:

"Do you want to stay?"

And they both laughed. Lucas lowered his gaze and bit his lower lip, and Eliott bowed his face and could not stop laughing. They were both so clumsy. It felt as if they were sixteen and eighteen-year-old teenagers locked in a room on the third floor of a boarding school, moving around each other, careful not to break the world they had both created within those four walls.

"You don't have to stay if you don't want to, of course, it just still rains a little bit out there and I wouldn't want you to get sick" Eliott could feel Lucas hands moving nervously on his lap and not only his cheeks were painted a crimson color but also his ears. "And don't worry, I can sleep in the living room or somewhere else and you'll have the room for better comfort, nothing has to happen, Eliott. It's not that, I−, it's if you don't want to just so you can rest−"

Lucas was speaking at a thousand miles an hour and the words were coming out with a force and little logic in his mouth, so Eliott just sighed and stopped Lucas before he went on rambling because, deep down, Eliott wasn't going to deny an offer like that. Not only because he was in danger of returning home soaked to the skin, but also because he didn't think it would be possible to separate from Lucas. He didn't want this to end. Not yet, not when he's right there in front of him. At least for one night, one night he can sleep knowing that Lucas is only a short distance away. Alive. Lucas is alive.

"Lucas, it's okay." Eliott told him in a slow voice trying to get the younger boy to listen and understand what he had just said. Lucas stopped the words and let out a sigh while nodding his head in a slow motion. His eyes were wider than before with surprise. Even in that little light that illuminated the kitchen, Eliott could appreciate the blue color of his irises. A blue that was impossible to forget. A blue that he had tried to capture so many times in his drawings but never managed to catch. A blue so particular. A unique blue. Blue was the color of Lucas. Lucas was the blue. "I missed you."

Eliott didn't know where that part came from. He hadn't even through it before he said it, but it felt so good. Like he could finally breathe.

Lucas lifted the corners of his lips, marking a smile on his face, and then bit his lower lip but there was no longer any trace of nervousness in that action, just shyness. Lucas was shy? Then the boy stood up and the glasses they had used before were now in the dishwasher.

Eliott followed Lucas' form everywhere. His hands resting on the top of the above of the kitchen, his spine slightly bent forward, his shoulder blades exposed upward, his long hair falling a little on his forehead, his nose thin and his lips a little redder than before. And Eliott didn't realize how long he had been lost in his mind until Lucas voice was calling him back to reality.

He lifted his face and found Lucas standing less than three feet away from him. His eyes were calm, yes, but there was still something there hidden behind that blue color. His chest was moving slowly and the color pink on his cheeks was still present. Eliott looked around Lucas neck until he found his little mole, his collarbone and his long arms that rested

on either side of his body. Lucas must have noticed how carefully Eliott was watching him because he offered his hand, raising his palm up and extending it. Offering him everything he was willing to give, or perhaps, everything he thought he could give so far.

Eliott held Lucas' hand against his. His fingertips touched his soft palm until they were joined. And an electric current ran from Eliott's fingertips all the way down his forearm to his back. It felt almost like a chill, but a very pleasant one. One that Eliott didn't remember feeling in a long time.

The two walked hand in hand down a long corridor that led them to a room that was lit only by the glare of the moon that filtered through the large balcony. Already in bed Moira found herself with her head resting on her front legs and her head tilted to the left side with one ear raised. She seemed to be quite comfortable on the edge of the bed.

The loss of the contact of Lucas' hand, when the boy looked through a white cupboard, was almost painful. Eliott found himself wishing with all his might that he could touch Lucas again. If only a little. Whatever it takes. It was a much greater need than he had. And he should be ashamed because just a few hours ago he wanted to get away from everything about that young boy, but now he was there wanting more, taking whatever it took, keeping quiet waiting for the next move. It was so pathetic.

Eliott changed in the bedroom bathroom. He put on a pair of sweatpants that reached above his ankles and a shirt that he thought it was quite big for Lucas because to his surprise, the nightshirt did fit perfectly to his long body.

Soon they both found themselves under the sheets in Lucas' bed. Eliott had Moira's extended body on his left side. The little dog quickly settled the new guest in the room and did nothing but crawl lazily on the mattress until her head rested on Eliott's foot. She didn't seem bothered by Eliott's presence, in fact, she looked very happy and placid at the time. To which Lucas responded by rolling his eyes and saying she was a little traitor.

But Eliott wasn't going to deny that he felt a little strange. Just a little. To spend eleven years missing someone's body and then suddenly be only a few inches away. It was a lot. It was quite a lot.

"It's... Strange." Eliott said aloud even as he saw the light-colored ceiling rising in front of him. Lucas hadn't spoken in a long time since they went to bed, but Eliott knew he wasn't sleeping. They had slept together so many times that he knew how everything changed in Lucas when he fell into a deep sleep.

Instead of responding to that comment, Lucas turned his body to the side, facing Eliott. "I missed you, too."

The older boy did the same thing by turning his body around and standing on its side. Now he could feel Lucas' eyes over his own and his breathing a little stronger than before now felt like a wave of warm water on his chest. And without much thought he simply raised his hand up to Lucas' soft hair. It was still silky, clean, pointed but soft at the same time, thick in some parts and fine in others. It was wonderful.

Eliott heard Lucas purr in a low voice as he closed his eyes enjoying the caress. The older boy guided his hand to Lucas' forehead and lowered his fingers to outline the contour of his face.

"I'm so sorry." Lucas said quietly without opening his eyes.

"I know." Eliott responded by slowly going over the bridge of Lucas nose to the edge of his lower lip.

"We need to talk." Lucas testified and then moved a little as he felt Eliott's middle finger make its way down the middle of his lips to touch his lower lip with his fingertip.

"Yes" Eliott answered. His eyes as well as his hands are focused solely on Lucas. Every part of that boy was important. Eliott wanted to capture every little detail. He wanted to record every change that was in Lucas now. On how his lower lip was more pitiful than before. In those little wrinkles that were now forming in the corners of his eyes. In the sun spots that were appearing on his cheeks. How thin his face was now and his eyes were much bigger.

He wanted to know what things had changed and what things remained the same.

Did he still sigh every time someone ran their hand down his thigh and said nice things in his ear? Did he still scowl every time someone withdrew and made a joke? Did he still gasp in despair every time someone left a kiss there, on his neck, right where the mole is? Did he still want to keep control when deep down what he wanted most was to be crushed and controlled? Did he still have those trusting boyish outbursts and try to do something different? Did he still want to know himself or had he already explored every detail of himself? Did he still hold each other's bodies tightly every time he came as if he didn't want to disappear from reality?

"We will." Eliott comforted him. "We will talk. Tomorrow."

Lucas finally opened his eyes and met Eliott's. He looked much less worried, now it was like he was relieved, and that made Eliott feel a thousand times better. He was relieved, too. "Tomorrow." He agreed.

He remembered the last time he and Lucas were in this same position. Just the two of them. In his room at boarding school. Hiding under Eliott's blankets. One next to the other. Fingertips caressing Lucas' face. Lucas whispering to him little bits of his life. Secrets. Half-hearted confessions. Lucas asking Eliott to hold him. Eliott wanting to erase every trace of sadness and anxiety from Lucas' body. And finally, the thought that Eliott had gone to sleep with that night.

But he didn't want to think about the past anymore. Not now. Not when he could have this for one night. Even if it is a night for both of us. One where it's not those two teenagers worrying about what's going to happen tomorrow or where they are now. No. Now it's just Lucas and Eliott, Eliott and Lucas. Two men living in the present.

And that was the impulse that gave Eliott enough strength to get close to Lucas and close the gap. With his left hand buried in the hair at the back of Lucas neck and his palm pushing his neck forward, his lips met halfway in a slow kiss.

It was so delicate at first, both lips together moving at a slow pace like a song they both knew by heart. The heat from the lips on Eliott caused an electric current to

he quickly got up, leaving his elbow on the bed and without wasting any time, his hand went down around Lucas waist and attracted the most attention to him. Eliott wanted any trace of distance that might exist between the two of them to disappear. He couldn't imagine himself being anywhere else but there. With Lucas hands on his neck and face, his legs intertwined, his breaths quick, his lips moving back and forth, biting, panting, whispering random words that sounded like desperate prayers.

It felt so good. It was so much, but it was also so little. But Eliott and Lucas quietly promised that nothing would happen. No. They still have to talk. They still have to apologize and be forgiven. They still had to make peace with each other and with themselves. They still have to heal wounds. They still have to get to know each other. They still have to talk, but that's tomorrow. Or well, that's technically today, but for tonight. Yeah, tonight's fine.

Tonight it's okay for Lucas to bite his lower lip and moan for more. It's okay for Eliott to reach under Lucas' shirt and stroke his sides. Tonight it's okay for Lucas to hug his waist and bring it closer to him. Tonight it's okay for Eliott to kiss his mole, his neck, his collarbone, the corner that joins his neck to his shoulder. Tonight it's okay for Lucas to hug him from the back, and he'd sigh a little if it was the first time he was breathing properly after so long. Tonight it's okay for Eliott to feel happy. Tonight they're allowed to feel this. Tonight he’s allowed to believe that everything will be okay. Because why wouldn't it be when they’re both hugging each other, sticking their fingers into each other's flesh and stroking their tongues sweetly?

They both stayed like that for minutes, hours, no matter how long. Both embraced kissing, whispering their names in the dark along with promises, words of affection, asking, taking, remembering, making new memories.

These were them. Eliott and Lucas. Lucas and Eliott. Just the two of them.

Eliott felt his cheeks wet in the middle of a kiss and was not sure if the tears were his or Lucas', so he did not let go of his face and with his thumb wiping every trace from the corners of the youngest boy's eyes. And he separated a little leaving not much distance between them, just to be able to whisper to him that it was okay because it was, it was okay to feel everything he felt, it was okay to do everything they were doing, it was okay to think everything they were thinking or even it was okay not to think, everything was okay because they no longer had to be afraid. Not anymore. Everything was fine. Everything was fine. And with those thoughts, with those words, with those lips, with that smile, with that comforting warmth in his gut. Eliott fell asleep.

It's going to be all right. We'll be fine.

* * *

He woke up the next morning to the loud sound of the waves pounding on the beach and the strong smell of salt and ocean. This was not his bed. This was not his home. All the memories of the previous night flooded into his head and at another time he would have gone mad. He would have sworn that everything was a dream and that nothing was real, that everything that happened was a product of his imagination but

he knew now that it had all been real. It had all happened because the pillow where his head was buried smelled like Lucas. Because his lips felt like they hadn't felt a year ago, caressed. Because his body had marks that years ago he had stopped allowing himself to have, beloved. And all he could do was smile.

He yawned and got out of bed. There was no one beside him. In fact, Lucas side of the bed was cold which indicated that he had gotten up long ago. The clock struck six fifteen minutes. They couldn't sleep more than about three or four hours last night but he still felt so full of life.

He walk down the long corridor until he reach the room where the big doors with windows leading to the beach were. And in the distance Eliott distinguished a figure sitting a few feet from the ocean. It was Lucas. His long hair was a bit disheveled, his arms rested on his bent knees and his feet were hidden under the ground. Again, as if he wanted to stay in the present. Anchored to reality.

Eliott yawned again and he opened the door and went to where Lucas was. Although it was still a little dark and the sun had not risen, there was still a strong heat coming from the sky. The storm had done nothing but disturb the dampness and heat they would be feeling over them.

Lucas turned his face a little when he felt Eliott's presence next to him.

"Sorry to wake you up." Lucas said in a slightly raspier voice than he'd heard before.

Eliott shook his head and couldn't stop looking at Lucas' profile. The boy was holding a cigarette between his fingers. "You didn't wake me up."

"Did you sleep well?" Lucas asked what Eliott responded to with a nod. Lucas let the smoke he had inhaled from his cigar escape and then dropped it on the sand, extinguishing what little was left of it. "Really? Even with Moira almost on top of you?" Lucas asked with a hint of fun in his voice.

Eliott nodded again, noting how Lucas had been avoiding his eyes since he sat down next to him. "I've never slept so well."

And that's how Lucas was finally able to look him in the eye. He looked a little surprised, scared, but also relieved. His shoulders, which had been stiff up to that point, began to relax and he bent over his eyes again, biting his lower lip as if he were thinking of not saying what he had in mind.

"I was serious last night, Lucas, I missed you so much." Eliott started talking because he felt that if he didn't say what was inside his head and everything inside him was going to explode and it wouldn't be pretty. Lucas opened his mouth as he was going to interrupt him, but Eliott wrapped his hand around his arm. “Please let me finish talking." Lucas made a little nod to indicate that he understood and that he could keep talking. "I know you're sorry, too. I'm sorry, too. Not only did you make a mistake, Lu, I did too. I should have been there for you, I should have insisted, I should have fucking come here years ago and we lost so much time that we could have been together. I'm sorry, too. I'm sorry not only for what I did, but also because I realized how hard it must have been for you. Being here alone, losing your mom, losing your friends, losing yourself and having

to come here, you alone not knowing what to do. I'm sorry I crossed out or missed your pain. Life hasn't been fair to you either."

Eliott bit his lower lip trying to calm the little tremor that was beginning to be located right there. Lucas' eyes were crystallized by the tears he was hiding behind. Eliott didn't resist and ran his thumb along the youngest boy's cheekbones.

_Don't resist, please, cry. Forgive me, but also forgive you, Lucas._ Eliott thought.

"It's time we put it behind us, okay? I'm sick of suffering and if life is giving us this second chance we should take it, right? We'd be stupid to let it go again." Tears fell from Lucas face as he laughed softly, bowing his face to the side and letting Eliott's hand caress him. “We'll do it slowly, okay? We'll take our time."

Lucas bit his lower lip while his brow furrowed a little at those last words. "You're staying?"

Eliott nodded quickly without releasing Lucas face from his hands and lowering them to the sides of his neck. "Of course I do. I've missed eleven years of seeing that grumpy face, I don't want to miss not a single day more." Eliott said in a mocking voice hoping to ease the air between them, but instead Lucas just closed his eyes.

Okay, that was very recent. No jokes yet.

"You don't have to." Lucas released the air from his lips, and with his hands hugging Eliott's shirt, he went close to him until he placed his forehead against the older boy's.

"But I want to." Eliott could taste the heat and the smell of Lucas. Ocean. Nicotine. Sun. Tanned skin. Soft hands. Soft skin. Fine hair. Lips full of so much desire and need. Tall, slim body, full of muscle. Eliott loved every part of Lucas. Eliott wanted to love this Lucas even more. "I want to know everything about you. I want this to work. Hey, look at me." Eliott asked Lucas, and the guy did, he opened his eyes slowly to Eliott’s gray eyes. "I want you, and we're going to make this work for you and me. We deserve it."

Lucas Adam's apple moved when he swallowed saliva and stroked his nose with Eliott's while looking into his eyes. As if what he was going to say now was so sacred that he had to make sure Eliott knew. "We deserve it."

Our promise.

After that they both sat on the sand watching the sun rise from the ocean's edge. Moira joined them after a few minutes running from the other side of the beach and getting into the ocean from time to time, catching the occasional wave that broke on the sand and barking louder and louder as if she was announcing her arrival and also the arrival of the morning.

This was good. This was going to be good.

Eliott could get used to this. His hand intertwined with Lucas'. His head leaning over Lucas' shoulder. To the short kisses Lucas left on his face. To the

conversations they both had every time one of them said something random. To the comfortable silence that filled them where they only enjoyed each other's presence. To the smiles and little laughs. To the warmth that settled in their stomachs every time someone made a move. To the presence of Lucas. His Lucas.

"So cigarettes in the morning, huh?" Eliott told Lucas to keep his head down on his shoulder while still enjoying the early morning. Still soaking up the silence of the ocean and nothing else. There was no one around them yet. It was like it was just them in the world, and that's okay. He likes it.

"Yeah, you know. Always cigarettes, never alcohol." Lucas replied at the same time that he deposited a short kiss on the back of Eliott's wrist.

The older boy sighed, closing his eyes for a moment and then opening them again by raising his head to meet Lucas' eyes.

"Then we'll have to change that. I don't want you to get sick."

Lucas raised his eyebrow upward as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "So? Now are you going to do a change on my life or what?"

Eliott nodded quickly, biting his lower lip, trying to hide his smile. “Yes because I care about you."

And that was enough for Lucas to go up to him and kiss him. Lucas' lips were becoming an addiction. A good addiction that Eliott was going to allow himself. They were so good at doing this. It was like time never passed. Like they'd been doing this for so long and now they were doing it like they had all the time in the world to do it. Slow, smooth, also full of desire, longing, hope, tasting and recording every sound and every movement.

Lucas split up a bit when they were both starting to get short of breath and with his voice halfway down he asked Eliott if there was anything else he was going to change?

Eliott denied without erasing that bright smile from his face. "No," declared the big boy before frowning and running his hand through Lucas' hair. "maybe your hair. It's very long, but before we cut it off there are a few things we could do with it." Eliott said as he plunged his hand into Lucas silky hair and pulled it towards him, losing himself in a kiss that was impossible to deepen because of how much they were both smiling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end!!! In fact I had already imagined that Lucas and Eliott were going to have a happy ending since I was finishing writing the second chapter of this story. I thought at the time, "I live in a shitty world and I don't want any more shit. They both deserve their happy endings and they did." So yeah, this was originally the end of the story but I loved writing from Eliott's point of view so much that I thought "Why not explore Lucas side?" So, I don't know 👉🏻👈🏻 if you guys want I could upload a final chapter about the life of the two of them now in Greece from Lucas point of view. You can leave your opinions down here. 
> 
> And finally I want to say thank you as always, thank you for every comment, every kudo, every visit, thank you for even taking the time to read this. It is the first time I write and sometimes I felt insecure about my writing or I hated it and when I read some comment I could only be filled with happiness and security, I don't know, you gave me the strength to continue. And now that everything in my life is much better, I wanted to give this story his end. As Eliott says: "You deserve it and so do I." So, we'll be seeing each other in a few days when that Lucas' point of view comes up. 
> 
> A hug, always take care of yourself!!!


	16. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What was promised is debt so here is the last chapter. This is the epilogue of this story told from Lucas' point of view.

**10 months later**

There are things that even with all the time in the universe will not change. There are things that every person is born with. Things, or rather, customs or attitudes, that each person brings with them. Like Lucas bad habit of leaving his clothes lying around or that incessant need he had all through his adolescence to go running. Because the favorite part of his day is when he puts on his sports shoes and also gets his thighs moving, at that moment he feels like his whole body is free. It's a nice, energetic electric shock, also a great stress reliever. Every time he feels the strain of his legs and the itchiness in his back all over his calf it is as if an invisible weight is disappearing from his shoulders and he can finally walk properly. Freer. That's why for so long he concentrated on running. Sports had never been his thing because he always ended up angry or others ended up angry at him for being too what was the word his fifth grade physical education teacher used? Competitive? Passionate? Controlling? Or did he say he couldn't control his emotions or himself? Lucas couldn't remember his exact words anymore, but it was something like, "You work better alone, Lallemant." And in fact he was right.

Lucas was better at doing things alone. He was. Because then, yes, there are things one is forced to change. One of them was teamwork.

Coming to Greece and being forced to work among people shouting twenty-four seven, pushing, running and jumping every time a threatening flame of fire came out of the frying pan. All this was a big change for Lucas, but he had to adapt. And as he adapted, he got better and better. He was learning and discovering other parts of himself that he didn't know were hidden. And he liked it. He liked it so much that he asked Marco, the forty-something man, to take pity on his skinny ass and give him a job, to teach him everything there is to know about the art of cooking. At first he asked for something simple. A pasta. Something he could feed himself at least once a day, but it was useless to hide that curiosity. Marco knew behind green eyes his true intentions. Lucas didn't need to learn to cook for himself because everyone in the restaurant ate from what the chef offered. It was either to "approve the appetizers" or simply "because they did a good job today". So a plate of food was never one of his real concerns. Marco refused to show him just a pasta and slowly climbed up the ladder until Lucas stopped being afraid of the stove and started preparing any kind of chicken with his eyes closed.

That was one of the biggest changes Lucas had to make to himself. Besides his name, his bad habits of disorder, he had to start being more responsible and also learn a little English and Greek because, again, today's circumstances demanded it, but there was nothing else that had really changed. He still went running, but only at night after his long days locked up in the kitchen trying to try new things, checking that everything was in order and also keeping track of everything administrative in relation to the accounting. Not that he doesn't trust the manager, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to keep an eye on it from time to time. Again, controller. Damn it, he was right.

Another aspect that had not changed at all during that time was the mornings. Lucas had no problem waking up next to the sunrise. Seeing the sunrise. Having coffee next to a cigarette or two and feeling ready to start the day. He didn't have any. Again, he did. Because now Lucas is the sun's greatest enemy. He used to beat the alarm clock, stretch out his arms and walk around trying to wake up. He wasn't one to waste time in bed tossing and turning. He was, because this Lucas now hates that sound. The sound of the alarm. If there's anything more frustrating than that sound it can't be possible because Lucas has never hated anything so much as that cell phone that's calling him out into the real world and leaving the comfort of his bed.

Lucas grunts again in a low voice as he tries to reach for his cell phone and turn it over until that constant sound stops reminding him of his obligations as an adult. The digital clock reads 6:45 AM. As punctual as ever. Lucas sighs again and tries to close his eyes to focus on the battle going on inside him.

The sun is already beginning to light up the dark sky a little, erasing any trace of the previous night. There are so many things you have to do today. Going to work, going through the books with Noé, calling Kit to place the order for next week, she also has to call Talisa to organize her meal which will be in two weeks, God, two weeks. That woman every year is also punctual about orders.

"Shh, you're thinking so loud." Eliott's hoarse voice murmured. His voice took him completely out of his thoughts which made Lucas jump a little, but he instantly relaxed in Eliott's arms when the older boy brought him closer to him.

"Sorry, go back to sleep." Lucas replied quietly after he released his lower lip from his teeth. He didn't realize he'd been biting it. Again, another bad habit he hadn't yet managed to get rid of.

"You too." Eliott's breath stroked the back of his neck, sending a little shiver down Lucas' spine. Lucas already knew where this was going. "Five more minutes, baby." And Eliott pushed him back until he left no humanly possible space between Eliott's chest and his back.

"Five more minutes." Declared the younger boy closing his eyes again without being able to wipe the smile off his face as he dropped into another dream.

Okay, that's why Lucas set the alarm at that time. Because it was never five minutes but 15 and sometimes even 20 minutes. The first few days Eliott slept over, he realized Eliott hated mornings. He hated them and everything that didn't make Eliott happy couldn't make Lucas happy either and so Lucas also realized that if he wanted to stop being late for work then he would have to change the time on his watch. Eventually, over the months, Eliott ended up abandoning his small apartment and moving in with Lucas. It was a big step really, moving in, living together, being full of each other and that made them both so afraid, but at the same time excited. It was a big step, but a step they never thought they would take so it was almost like a miracle. A celebration for both of them. And soon Lucas realized how easy it was to live with Eliott. There was nothing he would have enjoyed all those years he lived alone. He never had any serious relationships. Everything was always temporary because he didn't feel well, and when Eliott confessed that he too had felt the same way, that was the first time Lucas allowed himself to think that they were something more.

Something unexplainable. He didn't want to think of bigger words, but yes, they were made for each other.

That made him cry with happiness at the time, but now every time he thought about it he no longer cried, he just smiled uncontrollably because it couldn't be possible that a boy like him had been lucky enough to find someone like Eliott.

So five minutes was always 15 minutes. It was their 15 minutes for the two of them. Fifteen minutes where they could hug, tangle with each other, share the odd lazy kiss, whisper words to each other now and then like: Good morning, you look beautiful with your hair like that, you fell out of bed last night? you snore so much, Moira takes up less space than you do, fuck off, who do you think you are, oh yeah? You sleep somewhere else today, I love you, You're my favorite grouch, you're still so pretty in the morning. Or sometimes it was just fifteen minutes where they looked at each other, touched their hands and let their body, their mind, everything else rest and just be the two of them.

Lucas loved those 15 minutes. Those minutes were the only thing that made the morning so much better.

After this, Lucas managed to untangle himself from Eliott's arms and legs and freed himself from the bed. Moira's head rose instantly when she noticed that Lucas was already awake. The little dog normally slept with her whole body attached to Eliott, leaving the older boy squashed into a comfortable and sometimes uncomfortable sandwich caught between Lucas' and Moira's bodies, but as many times as the younger boy asked him, he always denied feeling uncomfortable and on one occasion responded with a, "I love it, really, I always dreamt of sleeping between the love of my life and a ball of hair." Lucas stopped doing whatever he was doing when he heard that word, " **love of my life,** " but when he turned to meet the older boy, he just kept reading some notes Joe had handed him as he finished devouring his last piece of sandwich as if he hadn't just said something that made Lucas' whole world go bump. But seeing Eliott so calm as if everything was so natural filled Lucas with peace and made him realize he didn't have to worry.

Yes, he loves you and you love him. This is your life now, Lucas.

Lucas walked all the way to the door with Moira chasing him from behind while still wagging her tail. She was still a fan of mornings or, well, a fan of early runs. Lucas let the dog out the front door and watched her go off into the distance. She always came back before he left for work. Then Lucas started getting ready to leave. That didn't take more than thirty minutes. A bath in cold water would finish off the heat and humidity of the day before and also help to wake him up completely, then he would switch to something casual. A loose shirt, jeans, and Nikes and his hair, well, that was still a mess most of the time, but now that he was short it was much easier to handle.

He could still remember the threats he made to Eliott that afternoon that the older boy approached him with a scissor announcing that that hair had to go soon. It all came down to thousands of pleas, cries of "Be careful with my ears or you'll leave me without a vital part of my body. Eliott, stop laughing, I'm serious. " And then Eliott trying to reassure him by saying, "Oh, honey, believe me, your ear is not the most vital part of your body to me." And that's how Lucas let that gray-eyed boy cut his hair, because, yes, his body is weak and he couldn't imagine saying no to Eliott. No, not to him.

Lucas came to the bed sitting on the shore where Eliott had his face resting against the pillow and he leaned over until he placed a short kiss on his temple, his forehead, his nose and then a short kiss on Eliott's lips that the boy barely made a move to respond to before he sighed again and buried his head in the pillow. Lucas ran his hand through Eliott's messy hair.

"I'm leaving now. I love you." Lucas said it quietly so as not to disturb his sleep, but he also said it loudly enough so that Eliott could hear his words.

And usually Eliott would wake up in the morning with him. Even though Eliott's not supposed to go to the tattoo parlor until 9:00 a.m. They both had breakfast. They'd both talk about their plans for the day. Eliott would talk to him about the appointments he had, the clients who sometimes came to ask why they wanted him to design a new tattoo for them and work on it, he would also talk excitedly about another new idea for a painting or simply talk again about Eva, his co-worker, and about the course she was taking to become a tattoo artist too. He would talk to him about what he wanted the two of them to do next weekend or even give him some feedback on some of his new experiments. Lucas was very appreciative of Eliott's criticism of his restaurant, even though Eliott had the palate of a two-year-old, but he liked it, he liked knowing what others thought besides his regular customers, the employees and Morgan and Izar or even Aiden, who was sometimes a little cruel but also often held back because he didn't want to be _too_ cruel. Eliott wasn't cruel, he was sincere. Very sincere.

But lately Eliott's been taking a lot of late shifts, staying up late at work, hiding in that office. Lucas doesn't mind. He likes to know that Eliott's doing something that makes him happy. That's not the problem. The problem is that Eliott hasn't been the same for a few weeks. And well, not everything is always perfect. Everything isn't always right. In fact, things didn't go well for a while.

It was all because of the guilt that Lucas felt. Not just because of what he did in the past. Hiding so much from Eliott. Running away, leaving him believing he was no longer in this world and then just interrupting his life again, just like that. That was the worst part. Lucas felt like Eliot was giving up his whole past life for him.

When Eliott announced to Lucas that he was staying on the island with him. A sea of emotions flooded him from happiness, surprise to uncertainty and doubts that Eliott was not making some huge mistake. The older boy returned to Paris for a week, a week that seemed like a long time, and it was difficult for both of them to be those eight days separated from each other, but Eliott needed to do it. He needed to finish arranging some things like his apartment, his things, his job, his responsibilities, his friends that were waiting for him in that country that Lucas knew he could never return to. And when he finally returned to Lucas' side, he talked to the younger boy about all the things he had done there, including talking to his parents about their change of residence. It was an extended conversation where Eliott left out some details to his parents for Lucas' safety, but it was enough for them to understand his plan and support it enough.

Lucas could see in Eliott the happiness, but also the sadness.

Even though Eliott kept talking to them most of the time, Lucas knew he missed them. Eliott denied it, said it was okay, but Lucas knew it wasn't okay, he knew Eliott needed them. He missed his parents, his friends, his students, his classes, everything he had there in Paris that he didn't have here. And those thoughts, that guilt, that hatred, that sadness, that confusion always led them to the same discussion.

An argument where Lucas said he was sorry and Eliott asked him why, Lucas said he shouldn't have stayed. At first Eliott used to close up and ask him if that was his way of telling him he didn't want him there, but as time went on, that answer only led to one where Eliott sighed and told him to stop thinking that he had a right to think for him. That he had already made a decision and that he wasn't going to change it for anything. The whole discussion went on as usual. Lucas was angry because Eliott didn't see that he only wanted the best for himself and that he shouldn't sacrifice himself for him, and Eliott was angry because Lucas thought that all this was a _sacrifice_ and not something he wanted.

It was a vicious circle of guilt, pain, tears, anger, frustration, helplessness, sometimes a few tears and a door closing tight, and then came the silence. The words of apology, the hugs, the kisses, the regret, the reassuring words, the long hours where one held the other's hand and with the passage of time the desire grew to let the other know that all would be well. That this is good. That they are good. That everything will be better.

And Lucas believed it, Eliott believed it, but again, he could feel them slowly approaching that point where either of them would talk about it again. And it was a little exhausting. It was exhausting not being able to let go of everything and Lucas knew that a lot of the blame was his, he still couldn't believe that he had Eliott by his side. That this was his life. Every day he had to remind himself, but he still felt unreal and there was also this feeling that he didn't deserve it. Still not believing that Eliott didn't choose him, and the older boy is so right. He has to forgive himself for everything he did, everything that happened with his father, his mother, with Manon, with his boyfriend and with himself, but he doesn't know how, or rather, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to because that feeling of guilt is the only thing he has known for more than twenty-five years.

Lucas clearly remembered the words that Eliott said to him once he cried on his chest, they were: "You think that when you let go of all that pain you will be empty, but it is not so, Lu, all that space is already occupied by all the love you have inside you. Someday you will feel it. You'll feel that peace and you'll never want to let it go.”

And there was no one else in the world who wanted to feel that peace. He wanted it so badly. Someday I'll feel it.

* * *

The first thing Lucas noticed when he walked in the front door of the restaurant was Morgan's pale face. The girl's head was resting on her two hands and her eyes were half closed when the sound of the door made her suddenly straighten up and try to hide, with bad effort, the dream she had drawn all over her face.

"Bad night?" Lucas asked her to approach the girl to finish what she must have been doing a few minutes before he came in.

"You tell me. No one said having a baby was so exhausting." She answered while letting out a big yawn and resting her head on her arm.

"Yes, of course, that's why there's no such thing as birth control." Lucas responded by dropping the last perfectly folded napkin on the table where Morgan was taking a little nap.

Morgan instead of giving him another one of those speeches about wanting to be a mother, wanting to fulfill herself, loving her child, the greatest blessing of her life, the light in her eyes and all that crap that a lot of first-time parents would repeat over and over again to feel better about their decision to have babies. She just breathed out exhausted and grunted her head off. "I know, but it's done. It's not like I can give it back anyway." And it was the first time in five years that Lucas felt anything like sorry for his friend.

He had met the girl in one of the bars that he sometimes frequented or well, he used to go there when his shift at work ended early and he had a long night alone so he decided to go and lose those hours in a dark place among drunks, music, alcohol, smoke and one or another conquest. He remembered that the first thing that caught his attention about the girl was her thick lips and curly hair that was so messy, but at the same time so in place. She was wonderful. Funny. A free soul. The soul of the party. A girl of almost twenty-six years’ old who had lived all her life with her grandmother in London and when the lady left her a considered inheritance, she made the decision to travel the world, but as if her grandmother didn't know her well enough and knew what her granddaughter was going to spend all her money on. Morgan's grandmother established that everything would be for food, studies and a house. And the lawyer who was a rather grumpy, strict, or rather narrow-minded gentleman He followed Morgan's grandmother's every word. She went to college, graduated, and traveled, but with her money, she learned to manage her time or well, that made her family lawyer believe until one day he gave the news that he was going to Greece for seminary, but never returned.

The lawyer still believes that her seminar, which she has been attending for eight years now, is still going on so he keeps sending him his check every month. Morgan has already told Lucas that the lawyer can be as old-fashioned as he is dumb, but Lucas suspects that the lawyer is simply exhausted and decides to swallow every lie so he doesn't have to put up with a Morgan who comes to his office every two weeks demanding more money. So that's how she ended up there. The rest might be a bit of a story you could all imagine. A one-night stand, a tourist who left, a pregnant girl and that's how Morgan had to take the first job that was offered to her or, rather, the one she had to beg Lucas to give her because the monthly check didn't cover enough for two people now.

"And what are you doing here? You still have about another week of maternity leave before you go back to work." Lucas reminded her.

She showed up at work about three days ago as if she hadn't just had a 5-pound baby a month and a fortnight ago. She didn't say a word and Lucas didn't comment either, but he could see the big dark circles she was trying to hide under her makeup and the dry, humorless smile she threw at him every time he tried to get her to talk about her experience as a mother.

"Because I'd rather be here than put up with one more second of crying." Lucas was going to open his mouth to say something clever, but she raised her hand quickly as a sign that it was better to keep quiet. "No, don't get me wrong. I love my son, but at least there's no one here to yell at every little detail plus I can wear the same blouse here for over an hour."

"Is that all?" Lucas asked her with one of his eyebrows raised. She shrugged her shoulders. "It smells better than my house."

Lucas’ eyebrow never went down and the expectant expression on his face didn't go away either. He was pushing his luck and seeing if there was still a bit of that pregnancy hormone left that in the past few months made Morgan cry about the tiniest, most insignificant thing.

"What? I said I love my son, not you, you idiot. Don't expect anything else from me." She said to him, squinting as if she were reading his mind. Her head was already up and she still looked as tired as before.

Lucas smiled and quickly bit his lower lip trying to keep that smile from becoming bigger than he and Morgan would like it to be. "I don't know, I just thought you missed me."

"Again, don't expect anything from me." This time it was Morgan's turn to smile and maybe laugh a little.

Lucas realized that it was the first time in a long time that he had seen Morgan smile. Not a smile with that false joy she put on every time she received a client, but a real one. One that could make little wrinkles form at the edge of her eyes. Why didn't she smile like she used to? She used to do it so much. More when she was under the influence of alcohol, but she was so funny. Now she just looked a little tired and almost defeated. Should he be worried? Isn't motherhood always that bright glow that many mothers had claimed it was? Lucas made a little note in his head to talk to her later about her situation, but for now she was looking at him with raised eyebrows as if waiting for his answer.

"Sorry, what did you say?" Lucas apologized, trying to pay attention now to what she was saying.

Morgan rolled his eyes in response and shook her head a little. Now it seemed he was the little boy she was looking after. "Where do you bring your head now, Ledet? It looks like you have the brains of a pregnant woman." The girl sighed and continued talking. "I asked you if you're ready for tonight."

The smile that was now being drawn on his face, that smile did not try to hide it this time. Instead he could only nod as he soaked his lips. "Yes, I have everything ready."

"Just look at you. Leo Ledet _in love._ " Morgan told him by punching out the last word in her British accent while moving her eyebrows up and down.

This time it was Lucas who rolled his eyes in response by placing his arms folded in front of his chest. "Yes, and?"

"Nothing." She responded with a shrug, but she didn't stop smiling. "It's just that you look happier."

Lucas let out a snort. "Of course not, I've always been happy." Lucas assured her, but he knew that wasn't true and Morgan also seemed to know that he was lying to her because she shook her head.

"No, it's not true. You're another one since that time you saw him swim almost to the middle of the Egeo sea."

And as much as Lucas loved to disagree with Morgan and liked to embark on one of those long but short discussions where they ended up throwing sarcastic and bad comments at each other with bad words or looks because that's how their relationship worked. But this time she was right. That day was different for Lucas. That day something that had been sleeping inside him for years finally woke up. It was that morning he saw Eliott for the first time and wondered if maybe things weren't lost after all. It was the first time he felt a ray of hope coming to him.

* * *

**10 months ago**

Lucas was concentrating on where his feet were when he climbed the last step that led him to the small street where his restaurant was located. He raised his face and went until his eyes met Morgan trying to hide a laugh with her hand.

"What's going on?" Lucas frowned as he turned to see what Morgan was pointing at, at that moment. "Another tourist playing at being immortal." Morgan replied with a fun tone.

This was a regular thing. Lucas and his friends used to make jokes about how dumb tourists could be many times. On one occasion a man tried to impress his girlfriend by ordering one of the restaurant's spicy dishes and things didn't really end well for him, but that was still an anecdote told at meetings between work and parties because it had just been funny. But now, in the distance Lucas realizes that something is not right. Not only because that boy was approaching a path to his final destination without a return ticket, no, but also because that boy looked exactly like someone he knew or well, at least he looked like him in a few more years. And at first Lucas thought he was imagining it, but no, he could see from behind the bright brown color that was sometimes so clear that he could turn into a blond. A messy hair that even when soaked could become messier, if that was even possible. And also a back, God, Lucas could have located that back and those long arms anywhere in the world just by looking at them once.

"Morgan, go." Lucas told his friend while following with his eyes the movement of the boy who continued to advance deeper and deeper into the sea.

The girl stopped laughing and now she was, Lucas was one hundred percent, looking surprised and also a little upset.

"What? Why?" The dark-skinned girl asked him half laughing.

"Because otherwise we'll have a dead body around here soon." The girl now frowned as if she didn't understand why she should worry about another " _i_ diot tourist who thinks he's smarter than all the old Greeks around here." Lucas sighed, trying to look as sincere as possible. "Please, that's very dangerous."

"And why don't you go?" Morgan asked him, still not erasing that frown from his forehead.

Lucas bit the inside of his cheek for a few seconds before he even thought seriously about what he was going to let out right now. "Because you're so much taller and with those legs you're gonna get there faster than me."

Morgan opened his mouth in surprise as well as her eyes as if she couldn't believe what Lucas had just said out loud. The subject of height was always a topic of conversation around the table for many years and all those times Lucas always cut his friends off before letting them go on to more stupid jokes or pranks. He wasn't small, it was just that everyone around him was a giant.

"Oh, my God." Morgan began to say each word slowly.

"Hanson!" Lucas called her by her last name trying to get her attention.

"What?!" Morgan answered in the same way, raising her hands to her sides, looking more surprised than before to have been interrupted in mid-sentence.

"The boy!" Lucas reminded her by pointing with raised eyebrows at his friend where this tourist was now, further and further from the shore and closer to the center of the sea.

And his friend reacted quickly by moving up the steps and down as fast as possible while shouting in the distance, "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BE SAVED SO FAST, LEDET!"

From a distance, Lucas could see Morgan tiptoeing over the boy, and then he saw him. He saw Eliott. Eliott. His eyesight was very good from a distance and there was no way he was imagining it all. Eliott turned in surprise and looked at himself as if he were a little boy who had just been caught doing something naughty, but he also looked so scared. Lucas moved back far enough for Eliott's sight to disappear so that he couldn't see him from afar, but he doubted that Eliott would notice him when he was at that distance from the island.

"What's going on over there?" Izar's voice took him out of his thoughts. Lucas hadn't even heard his friend approach him. "Another stupid tourist?"

Lucas shrugged his shoulders, trying to hide as best he could any emotion he was feeling at the time. "It seems that way."

Izar laughed while denying with disbelief and amusement drawn all over his face. "They're such assholes, I swear, one day this will happen a misfortune you'll see."

Lucas frowned and this time he did not try to hide the anger in his voice. "Shut up, don't say that."

But it seems that Izar didn't listen to him or simply ignored him because the boy with the blond hair just kept looking curiously at where Morgan was climbing the big steps. "What's Morgan doing there?"

Lucas sighed and narrowed his eyes while looking at his friend. "I should ask you the same thing, what are you doing here?"

"What?" The boy turned around now seeing him completely. "I was coming to work." The boy declared as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Then why don't I see you in your uniform?" Lucas asked him with his left eyebrow raised in defiance.

"We woke up on the wrong side of the bed today, didn't we, boss?" Izar teased him back, trying to push Lucas' boundaries as he sometimes dared to do. "I wouldn't want to be the guy who left you in that bad mood."

"How fun. If you're not in there in five minutes peeling at least two dozen potatoes, you don't want to end up like that guy." Lucas threatened him with his eyebrow raised and both hands now resting on his waist. It was so frustrating sometimes to talk to someone who pulled at least one head out of him. Again, everyone in Europe feeds on the same thing except him, or what?

"Wow," Izar raised his hands in surrender as if he really feared for his life and began walking backwards towards the restaurant carefully trying to put some distance between him and Lucas as if he were about to throw a knife through his eyes. "Among the top five worst fucks of the year, apparently."

Lucas rolled his eyes in response deciding to cut the little game Izar was trying to put between them and the truth is that Izar is a good boy.

Quite loyal, kind, full of great goodness, cheerful but also just a boy who has not had any complications in his life so far. He's a 23-year-old boy he met thanks to Morgan. Izar's parents own several small hotels in Greece and when they retired and left the business in the hands of their two older daughters they decided it was a good idea to go and live on a small island in the south of Greece. And so they did. A fifteen-year-old Izar went from living in the tourist capital to an island far from any civilization. At first he thought it was a good idea but little by little he realized that on this island was very small and could get to know it very well in less than five days. And he quickly got bored, so he started frequenting bars, discos and that's where Morgan enters the story. She always tells the story saying that she did it because her "good Catholic Christian soul couldn't let that boy get lost in that cruel, dark world", in short, it was better that she corrupted him before someone worse did. So that's how a seventeen-year-old boy ended up meeting a twenty-five-year-old girl and ended up being friends. Drinking friends. They both swear that nothing more than that.

Izar's parents always wanted him to take over the family business as "the only man in the family" but Izar in his idea of wanting to be independent and free, he made his decision to be a better waiter in a small restaurant in Skópelos. Lucas still doesn't understand what that good decision is, but he respects it and, although he has never told Izar, he has a lot of confidence in the young man. The boy reminds him a bit of the friend Arthur had in his boarding school days, Basile, always clumsy, always full of joy and also full of good intentions. Always looking for his own way and trying to help others without double intentions.

Lucas sighed as he heard Morgan's last steps up the steps. The girl shook her pants a little, which had filled with sand, and then stopped when she felt Lucas' look on her, but the younger boy was not at all pleased with the smile that was beginning to grow on that brown face.

"You know; it could have been you. At least then you'd know his name." His friend said to him as she moved her eyebrows up and down.

Lucas rolled his eyes again. A habit he couldn't control when he was around his idiot friends. But he just decided to ignore that comment and focus on what was important. "Is he okay?"

The girl shrugged in response. "I don't know, I guess, I left before he got to the shore."

"What?" His voice came out a little louder and stronger than he would have liked, but again, something inside him was moving around a lot and he didn't really know how to control those emotions. "Why?"

"Because I don't want him to fall in love with you." His friend approached him, which forced Lucas to raise his head higher to meet his friend's soft face. "You're his hero, not me." And with that, she slightly pushed his shoulder as she moved towards the restaurant.

Lucas stood there trying to process everything that had just happened. Eliott was on the island. Eliott was there. Eliott was only a few short miles away from him. And with that thought, he approached the side of the road to see where he had located the boy long before but he wasn't there anymore. Eliott was already gone. Lucas let the air out and shook his head trying to clear his mind.

That was real. Morgan and Izar had seen him.

He had seen him after so long.

* * *

**Now**

Lucas spent the rest of the day as usual. He was in the kitchen most of the time. Preparing some orders that he found on the table in the entrance at the same time that he walked around the kitchen from time to time checking that everything was in order. Occasionally he would help one of the assistants or the cooks check that the food was just right, not too spicy but not so dry that it could easily hurt the palate of any of the customers who were visiting them that day. He also took a little break from everything and checked from the kitchen door how everything was going from the other side of the place. Morgan was in charge of receiving the people at the entrance and guiding them to their tables, delivering the menu and sometimes she offered to take the food order, but more than anything she was in charge of receiving the money, making the bills and making sure the restaurant looked good from the outside in. From the kitchen to there it was Lucas' job and also Aiden's.

Aiden was a thirty-four-year-old guy that Lucas had met in his previous job and who was the assistant or rather, the sous-chef's assistant. When Lucas first saw him he thought he was the kitchen manager, but he quickly realized that he was not. Aiden likes that, he likes to act, to take on the role of something he is not and make others believe that he is. He likes to strut around everything trying to look bigger and more powerful. It was suffocating to share space with that huge ego and Lucas became a complete challenge for him. Aiden desperately wanted to be applauded and praised for all his exploits no matter how small, and Lucas was not going to give him that easy. Instead, he tried to turn it into something of a competition. Lucas learned to hold the knife correctly as Aiden inflated his chest and challenged him at every opportunity.

Little by little that enmity turned into a pleasant friendship. Lucas also learned that everything Aiden did was a sham. That he didn't want to be himself any better, he just wanted to hide the great insecurity he had behind that false confidence and those big airs. And he also met a much nicer Aiden, very relaxed, very hilarious, but also quite smart. A guy who knew so many places and who had climbed slowly from the bottom. Aiden never told Lucas about his family, and Lucas never asked him either. He, too, had created a whole new character when he arrived in Skópelos and understood what it was like to want to leave everything behind. Lucas found a friend in Aiden, a companion, someone who pushed him to his limits and wasn't afraid to tell him he was shit when he was shit, but sometimes he also held back because he knew how long he could push Lucas' balls until he exploded.

Their relationship wasn't quite normal or as healthy either. They each knew how to put up with each other, before it was quick blowjobs that they forgot about the next day, but after Aiden got engaged to his girlfriend over two years ago. They had to cut that friendship deal off by only solving it with stupid competitions in the kitchen or in bars with some friends or co-workers. They were totally ridiculous, but that's just the way they were.

It was when Lucas opened his restaurant that he asked Aiden why he had never done it and he simply told him that this was not his dream. He didn't care about a place to eat, he only cared about the food. Cooking was his passion. And that's how Aiden earned Lucas' respect, not in idiotic competitions or his five-figure check that Aiden received every month, no, it was his passion, love and commitment to his work.

And Lucas needed it. Lucas knew he needed Aiden with him if he was going to make this business work. It wasn't that hard to convince him, in fact, even Marco was willing to fire Aiden so that he would run to Lucas, but it wasn't necessary. The sous-chef position and the number on his salary was enough to make Aiden laugh and kiss Lucas after he shouted that his wife would never be able to leave him after that.

So those were Lucas' days. Walking around, cutting, seasoning, checking, getting the odd request from an assistant, pushing Aiden around, cutting up orders, taking new ones, and also locking himself in his office trying to keep track of everything that was going on out there. Lucas didn't trust computers very much and was a bit old-fashioned about his books. He preferred to have everything on paper because it was safer than leaving everything on a machine that could be ruined tomorrow. Morgan would often roll her eyes and tell him that the old man looked like him and not Aiden. Which always caused Aiden to protest and then do a slow, unsexy dance for his eyes trying to show off all his "good attributes". His good attributes were only the magic he created in the kitchen and his green eyes that had little yellow spots on the edge of his iris, but all that was never told to him by Lucas, it would only make Aiden's ego explode higher.

Lucas spent the rest of the afternoon and part of the night locked in his office behind the kitchen. It wasn't really a big office, just a desk full of papers to fill out and check. Maybe there was still a little bit of that cluttered Lucas in the background, and sometimes he found himself imagining what his old boarding school buddy, Yann, would say if he saw all this mess. Surely he would say a few words to him and then sit down in a bad mood and tidy up everything around him just because the idea of letting Lucas work in an environment like that is so unhumane.

The youngest boy had not realized how late it was until Morgan opened the door to his office and announced that the last few clients had left and asked him if he needed anything else.

Lucas shook his head and just as she was about to close the door, he stopped her. "Morgan," the girl turned to see him waiting for some order from him, but Lucas gave her a comforting smile. "you're doing amazing. Thank you."

The girl did not make any joke or mock his words, just smiled and nodded before closing the door leaving Lucas alone again.

The restaurant usually closed at 11 p.m. when all the tourists stopped going to the food and concentrated on the drinks offered in the bars. Lucas used to believe that a place shouldn't close until after midnight, but he quickly realized that it was a waste because no one would go looking for big meals at that time so he decided to leave everything at family time. He used to go home at seven or later than eight, but once a month the restaurant would close at nine at night to give Lucas a free space. A space that he used to fill with long hours of trying his luck and experimenting, but now he had changed the rules and had become something of Eliott and Lucas.

He checked the time on the clock across the room and realized that it was already nine o'clock. He had to hurry if he wanted to get everything ready on time, and without wasting much time he went to the small room next to the kitchen. He opened his locker to find a different change of clothes. He chose to take the tight black pants that stuck to his thigh and ass making him look better. A very precious pair of pants. He also chose a formal white shirt that also fit his body well, and he chose to fold the sleeves up to his elbows leaving his forearms uncovered so he could work better.

After taking all the ingredients he needed to prepare the dishes out of the pantry, he quickly set out. He only had an hour to prepare the whole dinner, but the advantage in all that was that the food wasn't going to take that long to make. He was quite used to working against time, sometimes having to prepare a whole meal that would normally take about forty-five minutes in just half an hour. Then this would be pretty easy for him.

While he chopped the tomatoes and separated the juice from the inside, Lucas left two Teflon on the stove waiting for the water to boil a little. He placed some spices and also some vegetables he had chopped up along with the tomatoes. In another tray he had the oil and dropped the tomatoes while seasoning them with pepper, honey and salt and then left them to rest in the oven for half an hour. Then he concentrated completely on what was cooking in front of him. The vegetables were beginning to give off their scent all over the kitchen, and he would occasionally move them around a bit so that their cooking would be even. He could still remember the many times he neglected his dishes for a few moments and everything ended up on a high fire and Marco hitting his head on the back telling him to do it again, but this time without moving his skinny ass off the stove and then over time he learned how important it was to pay attention to everything and not let anything go to waste because all that meant time wasted and that's the last thing a cook should do in his job.

Lucas concentrated on cutting the chicken into small, thin pieces so that it would cook the way he wanted it to and then dropped them into one of the Teflon. From time to time he added a little pepper, a little garlic and when one of the dishes looked almost ready he decided at the last minute to add mushrooms along with some spinach and finally he added, after making some space, the ramen that was the main protagonist of this meal. He let the food cook for about three minutes while he rushed to cut the baguette in inclined lines and then added the ricotta cheese over the bread with a little olive oil in a tray to later leave it resting next to the sweet tomatoes that were finishing randomly in the oven.

One of the dishes was almost ready, but he needed to add the last one. Something that wasn't really in the original recipe but he thought it would be a good idea and maybe Eliott would like it. He dropped some red hot sauce on the plate letting the pasta and vegetables get the spicy flavor.

In fifteen minutes Lucas managed to finish preparing both dishes and put them on two white plates with better presentation. He also did the same with the cheese rolls and carefully and with the help of a spoon he placed the sweet tomatoes on the crispy bread.

Lucas was quite satisfied with his food. It looked simple. Something Eliott would appreciate because he still found it hard to get used to those elegant and so elaborate dishes, so he had always preferred the homier and simple food, but Lucas could not let his boyfriend eat only pasta, salad and oatmeal. It was very sad, so he had done everything in baby steps. Sometimes he would prepare a salmon and then let Eliott decide for dinner for some burgers, and the next day Lucas would prepare some Cuban vegetarian sandwiches and Eliott would decide that that night he only wanted a tuna salad with avocado. It was an everyday job with his boyfriend.

Lucas changed the tablecloth on one of the tables, opened a bottle of wine and lit some candles that provided light to the space. He was just finishing lighting the last ones when he heard a little sound coming from the door of the restaurant and from the glass he could see Eliott with his hands buried in his pants pockets, his back leaning slightly forward resting on the heels of his feet as he swung a little.

Eliott was already giving him the biggest, brightest smile he had ever seen when he opened the door to rescue him from the darkness of the night. He had completely forgotten to turn on the lights outside but he didn't want anyone to know that there were people in the little restaurant plus all that darkness outside and the candles inside created an atmosphere like it was just the two of them in the world.

Before Lucas has a chance to complain about how early Eliott arrived for his date, the older boy pounced on him by grabbing his jaw with his hands and crushing their lips in a tight, hard kiss until Lucas wrapped his waist around his completely and opened his mouth allowing the kiss to move at the pace they wanted. In a matter of seconds their tongues met and Lucas was so lost in that intoxicating sensation that it was the smell of soap that Eliott gave off and the taste of toothpaste, that Lucas did not realize that Eliott had closed the door with his foot and that they had both been walking without seeing until Lucas felt the edge of the table against his upper thigh.

Both separated trying to catch their breath, their foreheads glued together and their eyes closed leaving the only sound that would fill the silence to be their heavy breathing. Lucas turned away from his face and found Eliott's eyes watching him closely, his hands had risen to his cheeks and he was now lining his cheekbones with his thumbs.

"I missed you." Eliott told him as he raised his hands now doing the same thing with Lucas' long eyebrows.

Lucas smiled sideways and squinted a little at Eliott's excuse. "And that's why you decided to show up so early?"

Eliott nodded without taking his eyes off what he was doing. This was something Lucas knew his boyfriend liked to do. He liked to run his fingers over his face, his neck, his chest, and his whole body as if he were trying to memorize every piece of Lucas. He liked it. It made him feel so loved and wanted, and he had never felt so loved and cared for by anyone but Eliott.

"You could have waited fifty minutes, but not ten?" Lucas challenged him again with his raised eyebrow as he lowered his eyes to Eliott's lips where his smile turned into a little pout.

Eliott nodded again and circled Lucas' neck while he taped his forehead to the younger boy's. "The worst 50 minutes of my life and 10 more were going to be complete hell."

Lucas rolled his eyes, but could not help but wipe the smile from his lips. God, I loved this guy so much. How could he be so annoying, but at the same time so damn sweet? "You're a riot, I swear."

Eliott laughed in response by shrugging his shoulders.

"Well, that's the way you want me, isn't it?" Eliott opened his eyes and mouth in mock indignity when Lucas grimaced as if he were actually thinking about that question. "So you're pretending to love me so well. I think you should take up acting."

Eliott walked away from him, but under his hands until he took Lucas’ in his hands.

"Maybe I was in another life." He answered the older boy by interlocking his fingers and letting him push him away from the table.

"You were a very good one." Eliott concluded with a beautiful smile hidden in the corner of his lips before he finished pushing Lucas towards him leaving his chest stuck and bending his face until his lips met Lucas' in a slow kiss. Their hands were still intertwined at the sides of their bodies.

"See?" Eliott told him when he parted from the kiss by putting his body back upright. "If I had come late we wouldn't have been able to have this incredible kissing session."

Lucas spread his hands and walked backwards towards the kitchen. "Yeah, sure, and the food would be still hot."

Eliott bit his lips that were now a little swollen, red and wet from standing there kissing for so long like two desperate teenagers who haven't seen each other for a whole weekend.

"Sorry, baby, just enjoying your company." Eliott told him when Lucas came back with the tray and put the dishes on the table as best he could. There was a reason Marco didn't put him in the waiter's chair and that was that his strong point was not coordination. It took him a while to learn how to hold a knife well, but holding two trays in each hand was still a complete challenge for him.

"I'm glad to know you still like me better than Moira." Lucas left the tray on another table while he poured water into one of the wine glasses and Eliott filled his own glass with wine.

Eliott let out a little snort of laughter. "No, please don't let her hear you say that. I don't want her to think badly."

Lucas rolled his eyes, but he still smiled when Eliott pushed the chair off the table so that Lucas would be seated. And then he took a seat in the place in front of him.

"I hope you like it." Lucas told him just as Eliott was taking one of the sweet tomato breads.

"I hope so, my stomach was waiting for this all day and it took me half an hour to prepare." Eliott pointed to his entire body with his other hand before taking a bite of the bread and closing his eyes to let out a short moan.

God, if only Lucas wasn't in the middle of his own restaurant which obviously has two huge windows and a glass door and if he wasn't so stiff from cleaning the kitchen or if he didn't have such a small and uncomfortable office. Surely the last thing he would be doing at that moment would be filling his mouth with food because with Eliott sitting in front of him, with his eyes closed, the corner of his lip stained with sauce and wearing that black shirt with the first three buttons open leaving his chest almost bare. Surely with all that Lucas would already be on his knees making Eliott groan for another more specific reason.

Damn it, Lucas, calm down now is not the time to be thinking about that.

The older boy let out a little sigh and picked up another roll doing the same thing he had done a few moments earlier. _Please stop, you're torturing me_. But the truth is that Lucas didn't want him to stop, he loved so much to feed his boyfriend and see that satisfaction on his face every time he tasted something for the first time or the way he squinted his eyes and approached him when he asked for some ingredient as if it was the most interesting and important thing on the planet.

God, I love you so much.

Lucas also enjoyed his own food. He had heard of many people who couldn't eat their own food, but he always wondered how you could pretend to give it to others when you couldn't even taste your own food yourself. He felt a little sorry for those cooks and had met a couple who only ate small meals because "it' _s exhausting to spend so much time between meals_.” He was of the idea that these people didn't really enjoy cooking, they just did it as if it was just another job and he hoped he would never end up like that because if there was one thing he loved more than cooking it was eating.

"God, this is so good." Eliott interrupted him halfway through his meal when the older boy took the first bite of his ramen. "And so spicy but not that spicy that makes you sweat but– mh it's so good, it makes you hungrier. How did you do it? How did you know how much to put in it?"

Lucas shrugged as he tasted his own dish. "It's not the quantity, it's the sauce or the spice. If it's good quality, then it doesn't matter how much you put in because it will always taste good."

Eliott denied with a smile on his face. "I swear; I'm going to have to start running with you. At this rate, I'm going to run out of clothes."

Lucas laughed as he took some chicken and vegetables with his fork and put them in his mouth. Eliott leaned forward a little bit trying to see his own plate. "What's that?"

Lucas ignored his question and decided to answer his first comment. "You've been saying that for almost ten months and you never do."

Eliott took his wine glass and hid his little smile, which was growing on his face, behind the drink. "Yes, because you can burn calories in another way just as effectively..." Eliott took a sip of his wine and then ran his tongue down his lower lip. Lucas followed the movement of Eliott's Adam's apple up and down and then his tongue. "And more fun." Eliott added after leaving his glass on the table and continuing to eat.

Damn you. What was wrong with you today? Why are you doing this to me here and now?

Lucas cleared his throat a little and lowered his eyes to the plate in front of him. His cheeks felt warm. God, why was he blushing like a teenager as if he didn't know every part of the man's body in front of him?

"It's chicken" Lucas decided to change the subject. "Yours is vegetarian so that's why I made it spicy."

When he met Eliott's face, the boy had a little mocking smile and a slightly spicy look as if he knew what had just happened. As if he knew what it did to his body and where his thoughts were swimming. Jesus Christ, of course he does. _You idiot._

"Do you like it?" Lucas asked him and Eliott leaned his face to the side, but now his smile had become soft as his face when he looked down at the almost finished plate and then turned to him again.

"You know I do." Eliott answered him with all the sincerity that Lucas could read on his face. Lucas raised his eyebrows as he took a drink from his own cup of water. "But..."

"But" Eliott said the words slowly as if he was delaying what he was going to say "you know how I feel about ingredients."

Lucas rolled his eyes again for what appeared to be the ninth time in the night and shook his head. He knew very well where this conversation was headed. Why did he have to go out with a boy who had the body of a man in his thirties but the attitude of an eight-year-old?

"I don't think the ramen with vegetables and spice goes very well with chocolate." Lucas declared it to be the most ridiculous thing in the universe.

Eliott frowned and lowered his lower lip slightly. "You won't know until you try it.”

"No thanks." He replied with a slight grimace on his face that made it clear how unpleasant that simple idea was. "I don't want a food poisoning lawsuit either."

This time it was Eliott's turn to roll his eyes and let out a little snort in protest. "If you like my food, they'll like it, too."

Lucas shook his head and rested his elbows on the table before raising his index finger "First, I don't like your food, it just happens that my stomach has more resistance than I thought. Second," he raised another finger to mark each point "I want you and it is clear that I will support everything you do even when it is a danger to humanity."

Eliott opened his mouth and now he was the one pointing at him. "See? You want me."

Lucas let out a little moan and put the palms of his hands over his eyes as he shook his head. _How did I end up dating this idiot?_

"It's the shirt" Lucas said after dropping his hands on the table and Eliott bit his lower lip with his left eyebrow raised in a perfect arc.

"The shirt?" Eliott asked him while still seeing him with that curious but also mischievous look that was making Lucas' stomach hot with emotion. "Now I must attribute our relationship to my clothes."

Lucas shook his head as he couldn't stop looking at Eliott's eyes and noticing how his pupils were slowly dilating. Eliott's hands took his and turned him over as he caressed his knuckles with his thumbs. "No, I like it better when there are no clothes involved."

Eliott went down the river and took one of Lucas hands to his lips where he left small kisses on the knuckles of the younger boy without taking his eyes off his own. "I like you with or without clothes, but I prefer the second option."

Lucas laughed a little when he heard his boyfriend's answer. God, I love you so much, how could you doubt that for a second? Lucas felt that his face would break in two any minute because of how much he was smiling, but he didn't really care. There was nothing that could make him happier than being with Eliott. It didn't matter how or where. The only presence of the other could make him feel in a unique and special way.

The two of them spent more time there. Eliott had two glasses of wine before Lucas handed him a glass full of pure water. As much as he loved it when his boyfriend started talking fast, he could turn red with shame over anything or become very flirtatious. He couldn't let Eliott drink too much because of his medication and that's why after about two or three bottles of beer or any liquid containing alcohol, Eliott had to drink some water to level himself and calm his whole body. The couple remained about two more hours sitting down talking, touching their hands, bending over from time to time to steal some little kisses and Lucas was dying for a cigarette, but he couldn't smoke inside and he didn't want to go out either. He didn't want to break up that atmosphere the two of them had built. Their faces half hidden in the darkness and only lit by candles, laughter, the touch of their skin, Eliott's eyes that opened a little every time he spoke of something exciting that had happened to him during the day. Lucas hadn't seen him this fast in a long time and for a moment he worried that Eliott had forgotten to take his medication. He was biting the inside of his cheek and working up the courage to ask the question when suddenly his boyfriend jumped out of the chair.

"I have an idea, wait." Eliott said to him with his index finger raised as if he were asking for a second or a minute or some time. Then he went over to the sound system and hooked up his cell phone before he started running his fingers across the screen scrolling to find what he was looking for.

And then from the speakers you could hear the soft voice of a woman. **_Darker than the ocean, deeper than the sea. You got everything, you got what I need._** Eliott reached out his hand. Lucas shook his head with a smile on his face knowing full well what his boyfriend was asking him in silence, but he couldn't deny it. Why does he make me feel this way? So he took the older boy's hand and let him push him back into a space where they could both move as they pleased. **_Movin' to the tempo, show me what it takes. Speedin' up my heartbeat, playin' in the face_**. Eliott circled Lucas' neck as he embraced Eliott's waist, leaving their foreheads glued together and still looking into each other's eyes.

Lucas closed his eyes for a few seconds, letting Eliott swing his steps to the beat of the song. It was so crazy, but in fact yes, the atmosphere felt so different now as if there was a complete electric current passing between their bodies that surrounded them and separated them from the outside world. Eliott brushed their noses and then left a small kiss between Lucas' jaw and chin causing him to tremble. **_Use me, you're electric, babe. Move me, take me all the way. Whisper in my ear, I'm the only one you're lovin' on._** Eliott moved his lips down Lucas' jaw to his neck, gently brushing his skin against his lips until he left a short kiss just under his ear. Lucas hugged Eliott's shirt trying to hold himself up, he felt his legs failing him for a moment.

**_Take advantage of the moment, you're the only one that I want._** Eliott went up to leave a short kiss on the youngest boy's temple. Lucas still remained with his eyes closed enjoying all the heat that his boyfriend was provoking in his body and then, with all the strength that it took him, he moved his face a little separating his cheeks and finding himself halfway with Eliott's lips that received him with a scorching and hungry kiss. Lucas opened his lips to let his tongues meet. His hands pushed Eliott's body more against his. Eliott's hands on his cheeks guiding the kiss. **_Hold me like you mean it, take me far away. Bodies movin' and temperature rising._** Lucas needed more. He wanted more so he lifted his feet on his tiptoes following Eliott's lips when he noticed he was lifting his face from his as he moved further and further away. Damn height difference. Eliott laughed slowly, keeping his eyes closed. Lucas wanted to ask him what was funny, but instead he just slid his hands down, placing his thigh in the middle of Eliott's legs and pushing him back towards his body, making Eliott's laugh cut off and he leaned over again looking for Lucas' lips, but this time it was his turn to move away. **_Kiss me, we're on fire, babe. Love me, take me to outer space._**

"We still have dessert." Lucas interrupted his boyfriend's thoughts. The two of them stood with their eyes closed, facing each other while they tried to stabilize their breaths. Eliott released what sounded like a protest. "Aiden is going to be so upset."

"No, please don't mention that name when I have these images in my head." Eliott asked him, and Lucas was laughing when Eliott pushed him back into a kiss that was just as desperate, just as needy, and just as full of warmth and desire.

* * *

They both stumbled in through the driveway. Lucas had a little difficulty opening the door when both his hands were shaking so much that he couldn't concentrate on what he should be doing when Eliott's lips were leaving long wet kisses all over his neck and his hands were going further and further south trying to find more ways to make his body desperate and upset. Lucas had been so many times tempted to hit those long hands and push him aside, but he couldn't, not when he was actually enjoying feeling Eliott's hard body behind him. So when the door closed behind him and the only thing that kept him tied to the ground was his back against the wood and his chest glued to Eliott's the only thing he could do was close his eyes and let the older boy do with him what he wanted to do.

Eliott's teeth bit into his neck, his hands untied his belt and soon it became a complete power struggle between the two boys where one was looking to undress the other faster. It was so difficult to keep the lips together when Lucas took off Eliott's shirt or when Eliott came down to leave some kisses around his chest until he took a piece of the collarbone between his lips and left a little mark there.

Lucas felt that at any moment he was going to leave his body, but they could not do it there, in the entrance of his house, in that corridor with the little light illuminating the way to the living room. So they gathered all the strength they had and with the few layers of clothes they were still wearing, the two of them. Eliott with his shirt off and his pants halfway down his thighs, Lucas’ pants hanging down from his waist and his shirt halfway down his arms. Eliott's hands caressing his sides coming down to his waist. Lucas parted his lips and had to hold back a gasp as Eliott grabbed his ass with his hands sticking closer to him.

"God, for someone who likes to see me with my clothes off, you do a lousy job of taking them off." Lucas bit his lower lip when he felt Eliott take his earlobe and suck on it. He hugged Eliott's shoulders as tightly as possible.

"Wow, we've got someone desperate." Eliott split when he saw him behind those eyelashes. His eyes dark and full of desire.

Lucas approached him again, wrapping his arms around his neck and tiptoeing his body forward, keeping his eyes closed. Letting his breaths and his agitated breathing mingle. Lucas was about to kiss Eliott, but the boy separated again now lowering his hands to his thighs. "I want to make love to you, will you let me do it?"

Lucas could feel his heart beating much harder than before and when he heard those sweet words coming out of Eliott's mouth, he could swear he felt his heart stop beating and his breath cut off halfway through. "It's going to be so good, I promise."

The younger boy only nodded softly with his eyes closed because he wanted to let those words seep in. To touch every bone in his body and let him go. He knew what Eliott meant. It was something he loved doing with his boyfriend. The pace was always slow and paused between them when Eliott or Lucas or both decided they wanted to do it that way, but there was also a small detail and that was that they both refused the privilege of going all the way until it was too much. Eliott had proposed it the first time. He wanted to do it and Lucas wanted to do it too, but he was afraid, and Eliott promised him that if it became too much he could tell him and he would just finish him. And it was such a good thing. It made everything feel a thousand times better. How to climb a mountain so high for so long and finally get to the top where you find a breathtaking landscape and you descend from the clouds.

And so it was that Lucas soon found himself on his back to bed with Eliott's face buried between his thighs and his tongue surrounding him. Lucas arches his back a little as he feels every little sensation. He knew he was making a lot more noise, he knew he was saying so many things he couldn't even register in his head, he knew he was panting in a way that would make him blush at another time just to remember it but now that heat in his cheeks, that sweat that was running down his forehead, his hand clinging on to Eliott's short hair with a force, his other hand buried behind his head trying to control his movements, his eyes closed and his teeth trapping his lower lip. Lucas couldn't feel better. Lucas never felt the same way in this situation. Sometimes he would see flashes of light inside his head, sometimes he would hear the loud murmur of blood rushing to his ears, and sometimes he could only focus on Eliott.

"Don't control yourself, baby, I want to hear you." Eliott told him after leaving a short kiss in the lower groin to where his hand was wrapped around the base of his dick. Lucas stuck his heels further into the bed and released his lower lip from his teeth letting out that little choking sound he made when the tip of his limb touched the bottom of Eliott's throat for a few seconds before he withdrew again.

Eliott, who moved his head at a slow, strong, gentle, hurried pace. Eliott's fingers digging into his waist trying to keep him still. Eliott's warm mouth covering every inch of him and trying to fill him with all the pleasure possible. The sounds that Eliott let out each time Lucas pulled more and more of his hair, and finally, Eliott's fingers that had no trace of shame. That seemed to have a life of their own. His fingers that sometimes liked to tease Lucas so much, liked to listen to him beg and plead, and other times were more gentle that just sought to give and give until Lucas was sick of them. And right now those long fingers were torturing him so slowly, grazing from time to time where Eliott knew very well that he was driving him crazy. Backing up a few inches and then moving with a disdain for when Lucas felt that familiar warmth, his fingers backed up causing Lucas to let go of the air and complain quietly.

But yes, Lucas had said that he was patient and that he liked to be good. He loved giving Eliott what he wanted, but he was also very stubborn and if there was anything he loved more than feeling the taste of it on Eliott's lips it was also filling his lips with Eliott. So he took advantage when Eliott was depositing short kisses on his chest and he turned Eliott's big body around leaving the older boy underneath him. And Lucas did what he knew very well he had to do.

He descended his kisses over Eliott's trembling body, stopping for a few seconds on the lower part of his rib where his boyfriend's tattoo was. A tattoo that the first time he saw it took his breath away and filled his eyes with embarrassing tears. Lucas loved every part of Eliott, but that, that piece of skin that had the meaning of his love outlined, that part was his favorite. He touched it, he kissed it, he adored it, he loved it with every part of his soul. He left a kiss on the tattoo and then he let his nose rest on it for a second until the sound of Eliott's gasping breath took him out of his thoughts.

His hands caressed Eliott's thighs and he let his mouth play all over Eliott's skin except where he was waiting. It was long and slow his torture that Lucas only concentrated on Eliott's moans, his strong breathing and his hands that were digging into his shoulders and reaching into his hair. And when Lucas thought he had heard a short prayer that had been interrupted by half a gasp, Lucas let himself sink into Eliott's strength. The weight of Eliott's cock on his tongue was so comforting, so familiar, so pleasant, so warm, but it also felt right. Something he had to do. It had taken him so long to accept this part of himself, that the first time he had done it he was so scared, but then Eliott was so kind, so patient, he never complained about his lack of experience when they were just teenagers. No, Eliott told him he had done very well and Lucas had never felt so good. It was amazing to receive, but it was even better to give. Giving was his favorite part. To have that power in his hands, to know that only his mouth could make Eliott tremble under his touch, that only he could make Eliott stop thinking so much, that only he could make Eliott cry with pleasure, only he provoked those sweet sounds from Eliott's mouth, only he knew that body very well to know when Eliott was two seconds away from letting go and disappearing into the background of sensations.

Lucas sucked up and down hard while following the path of Eliott's cock with his hand. Her tongue went down and down following the path of a long vein that was in his boyfriend's member until it reached the bottom where it sucked slightly causing Eliott's legs to shake and he lowered his gaze with his eyes open looking at Lucas. Lucas was aware of how he should look. Red and swollen lips, hair directed in different directions, red cheeks and neck, his sweat falling down his forehead as well as the thin line of saliva that was slipping down his chin. He didn't know if it was something embarrassing, it probably should, but the way Eliott was looking at him like he was the most beautiful sight in the world. With his glazed eyes and his chest rising and falling fast, Lucas just felt more proud of himself.

This was his favorite place in the world.

So Lucas went on. Stopping now and then to provoke small protests from his boyfriend until with his palm on Eliott's belly he felt it tighten and his shoulders lift a little, and Lucas knew, he knew that Eliott was about to go then with all the strength it took him to do so, he stopped. He let go of Eliott's sweet spot and separated his lips with a strong pop while depositing a short kiss on the tip. Lucas raised his eyes to meet Eliott's blushing but happy face. For someone who had just been deprived of an orgasm he looked quite pleased and that could make Lucas very angry, that's why before Lucas let go of his emotions about Eliott. The boy didn't waste much time and shut him up with a long deep kiss where his tongues kept the taste of the other one and just made Lucas' whole body relax letting Eliott take control of the whole situation again.

I love you so much.

Everything between the two of them flowed too well. Everything was like a dance. A dance that only the two of them knew and that only the two of them could do well. Eliott fit perfectly between Lucas’ body. Lucas’ body surrounded Eliott's body very well, both hands knew where they were going, the kisses were given in the right places, the words were the right ones, both were read too, both moved to a perfect tune. Both knew what the other needed and also knew how to ask for what they wanted. Lucas only needed to arch his back so that Eliott would cover his body and take his hands. Eliott only needed to hide his face in Lucas’ neck so that he would know to kiss his temple or say something sweet in his ear.

They were perfect.

They also fit together like two puzzle pieces destined to join.

Lucas was sitting on Eliott's lap. The older boy's hands went down and up his back to his waist guiding his movements. Lucas knew that Eliott was not going to give up all control, that he needed something safe, too, but Lucas was not going to disappoint him. He didn't want to do anything until Eliott wanted to, and from the look on Eliott's face, it seemed like he still didn't want this to end. The older boy's eyes were so dark, the grey had become deeper and they looked like two clouds with a storm coming at him. His hand descended all over Lucas' body until it embraced his waist. The kisses were so messy, so many teeth, so much tongue, so much movement between them as if they were both swimming in deep water and their lips were the only source of oxygen. Lucas loved those lips. He loved kissing Eliott so much at any time, but mostly like this, like this with the two of them swaying in a slow dance.

Eliott took Lucas’ lower lip between his teeth at the same time as Lucas let out a groan and sank his hands further into Eliott's hair. "Shit, God, Eliott–"

His thighs were protesting with weariness and his own erection, heavy and red, was screaming in the middle of both bodies, but Eliott knew this and knew in an instant that Lucas was telling him because the boy ran his hands over Lucas’ trembling thighs and took one of his knees making Lucas go around his waist. His whole body was shaking uncontrollably and deep inside his head they both knew it was only a matter of seconds before the uncontrollable orgasm was unleashed. Lucas was opening his mouth and moving away from Eliott, who had his face buried in Lucas neck, when he felt him spin around on his back and stop.

Lucas let out a moan of pain when he realized he wasn't. Eliott had stopped them again. And he couldn't help but shed a few little tears from the corners of his eyes. He did not realize his little cry until Eliott parted from him and hollowed out his cheeks with both hands forcing Lucas to open his eyes and meet his own.

The light from the table lamp illuminated Eliott's entire face very well. His lips were swollen, sweat was running down his skin, his hair was untidy and darker on some sides than on others, his jaw and neck were red like his cheeks, his arms were shaking like his legs. Everything about Eliott was so bright, for a moment that idea took Lucas' breath away. How can you be mine? Lucas wanted to ask him, but instead Eliott put his thumb under Lucas’ lips and a sharp pain pierced him, but his body responded differently by moving under Eliott.

"Just one more time, okay?" Eliott asked Lucas without stopping to look at him, with his hands caressing his face and his thumbs erasing the trail of tears of frustration he had let go a few seconds earlier. "And you'll come, you can come for me, okay?" And then Eliott came out of it to go back in, causing Lucas’ back to arch and his lips to open in a moan that was caught by Eliott's lips.

And Eliott adopted that rhythm. The slow and hard one, the one that made Lucas sigh, but also ask for more. Lucas had found himself in that position so many times. The first time he slept with Eliott in that boarding school bed. The first time he had let someone literally walk into him and allowed himself to be vulnerable. The first time he stopped looking for more excuses and let Eliott take him in his arms. And yet, even after so many years there he was at Eliott's mercy, letting him take what he wanted from him. Before it had been short flashes of "love me, please take me and if that's enough then it will be", now all that had changed and had become a, "I love you more and having you is all I need".

Lucas ran his hand over Eliott's back, feeling all his thighs move up there. His legs wrapped around Eliott's back trying to get higher and higher, and his other hand grabbing the back of his neck bringing it closer. Eliott lowered his kisses down Lucas’ jaw while still moving inside him. Occasionally making some movement that caused Lucas' whole body to convulse and all the blood to go up to his brain until it came down his hands and touched his fingertips. Everything in them was too much. Too hot, too slippery, too noisy, too messy. Eliott with his teeth biting Lucas' neck and Lucas with his eyes glued to the white ceiling while he lifted his head trying to catch the smell of Eliott's shoulder.

Eliott separated his face from Lucas' skin until he met Lucas' eyes. His pupils dilated and his lips half open, with only that image Lucas' mind began to turn a thousand times and he approached him, he got up trying to reach him, but Eliott went away and took his hair between his hands making Lucas to go back. Eliott hit Lucas' sweet spot again, causing, without being able to avoid it in time, a small grunt to come out from deep in his throat and make Eliott smile. It was a smile so wide and satisfied that it only caused Lucas' heat to increase and one of his hands to descend down to surround his butt and push him, urging him to change his rhythm, but Eliott didn't do it. He only closed his eyes for a few seconds and sighed, then opened them again to dive into Lucas'.

Lucas wasn't sure what was going on. A few more pushes and he'll be able to get there. Eliott had promised him, but before he had a chance to protest. One of Eliott's hands grabbed his cheek and the older boy's pushes increased in speed, causing Lucas to roll his eyes a little on his head and arch his back. Eliott took the earlobe between his teeth and then left him a few kisses underneath. "I love you so much."

_I love you so much, too._ Lucas wanted to tell him, but the only thing that came out of his lips was another moan because of another move Eliott knew very well what he was doing. That was the only sound that filled the room. Their bodies crashing, their hips against his, the sheets clinging to his back going up and down, the sounds of their kisses, the sounds of them making love. This was Lucas' favorite song. It was their song.

And when Lucas felt he was losing his mind again, Eliott spoke again. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me, you're–" a moan that came from Eliott's lips and fell into his ear, sent Lucas flying high. Eliott surrounded Lucas' heavy erection with his hand and began to move it at the same rate he was doing as it went in and out of him. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me. You have to know that. I don't want to be anywhere else but here." Lucas' chest was shaking too much at that point, and he didn't know if it was because he could feel his own climax coming on or because of Eliott’s words. "I love you, baby, I–" Eliott's movements had become so accelerated that all Lucas could do at that point was to hold him. Hold on to Eliott with all his might trying not to escape that moment.

Not yet, tell me what you want, what you desire, Eliott, please tell me what you need. "I need you, Lucas, I love you so... shit, I love you too much."

That was all too much and it was only fair. It was just what Lucas needed. From afar he could feel his body slowly swinging around the corner of the highest hill ready to fall and Lucas held on so tightly to Eliott. He hugged him with all the strength he had while Eliott finished expelling him to the last drop of his own orgasm, until he finished pushing him from the top to let him fall slowly before what was an endless number of feelings and sensations. His body filling with heat, shining as if a thread of light was illuminating every nerve ending of his body like a series of lights that could illuminate the whole room in which they were. And this time Lucas didn't feel like he was falling into an endless void, no, this time he didn't feel like he should be holding onto Eliott's solid body because this time Lucas wasn't descending. This time he was flying very high. He was climbing up and it felt like he was carrying Eliott with him. Floating until he touched the stars that were shining in his head. With his eyes closed and his arms surrounding Eliott's back and shoulder Lucas felt a huge desire to laugh and cry, to scream while Eliott, still wet inside him, was using him to reach his own orgasm.

Lucas has never felt so free.

And with the strength that was left to Lucas, he moved his fingers that felt like little ants running from them. He took his hand to Eliott's hair and brought it closer to his neck where Eliott had his forehead and eyes buried, while letting out little grunts. "Come for me, baby."

And that was the last push Eliott needed to let himself go. Lucas could feel Eliott's whole body tightening up on him, his stomach arching forward and the hand that was on his waist tightening up as small grunts came out of his lip that sounded so sweet in Lucas’ ears and managed to enter his body like little arrows going through his body. And his whole interior was filled with Eliott. This is something they had started doing recently after they both made sure they were clean Lucas decided he wanted it that way. He wanted everything he could from Eliott inside of him. Lucas closed his eyes and ran his hand down Eliott's back, touching the sweat drops that ran down Eliott's spine to his lower back with his fingertips.

They both stayed that way for a long time until Eliott separated from Lucas. The younger boy complained at first about the loss of Eliott. He wiped his hand with a piece of cloth from the sheet and then separated from Lucas long enough to see him. His whole soft face wrinkled in confusion and worry.

"Baby, are you okay?" Lucas opened his mouth to respond when he felt Eliott's thumbs caressing the corners of his eyes and hollowing out his cheeks like he had a few minutes earlier. When Lucas was blinded by desire and couldn't stop begging. "You're crying."

No, what? Lucas hadn't even noticed that he had cried and was going to start laughing and saying something funny about it being side effects of his fucking technique, but when he saw how worried he was, he simply put his hand behind Eliott's neck and pulled him close making their mouths meet halfway in a slow, quiet kiss, the opposite of what they had been doing all night.

"I'm fine." Lucas murmured on his lips and then parted, leaving a kiss at one corner of his mouth. "You did so well." And then he did the same thing with the other corner. "I loved it." Lucas left another kiss on the bridge of his nose and finally on the spot between his eyebrows. "I love you." Lucas went on to finally leave a kiss on Eliott's lower lip. "But you're getting heavy and it's also going to get uncomfortable if you don't clean it up soon."

Eliott made a little sound that sounded like a whimper and separated from Lucas. His face was much more relaxed than before. "Excuse me? Me?"

Lucas nodded as he tried to hide his desire to smile with his teeth clenching his lower lip. God, it was so hard to play hard to get with Eliott when literally Eliott was on top of him, still a little hard.

"Of course, you did." Lucas reminded him of Eliott.

He let out a breath and shook his head trying to get up from his arms and holding himself now with help in his hands. "I don't remember hearing you complain a few moments ago."

"Yeah, well, the endorphins are wearing off and it's getting sticky." Lucas pointed to his own chest where the remnants of his pleasure were still, but yes, it was starting to dry out and all that heat was getting cold causing his whole body to feel a little uncomfortable.

"Oh, yeah?" Eliott replied with a small smile that spread from the corner of his mouth to his eyebrow. "Should I shoot them again?" Eliott asked him and then moved his hip a little, causing the friction of his dick to rub against his recently worn ass.

Lucas arched his back a little without being able to stop in time and shook his head quickly without being able to avoid closing his eyes when he felt Eliott so hard against him. How could this be so? How could this be so good between them and never get tired? It was never the same. He never felt the same. He was always better. They always reached another level, and when Lucas thought that was enough, it was just like his body didn't obey his orders and decided to go another way. He could make fun of how insatiable Eliott was, but he was in the same situation, too. It was never enough when it came to the two of them.

Lucas quickly pushed Eliott over the shoulder with his hand and Eliott laughed at the younger boy's reaction. _You idiot._ But as much as Eliott liked to play his dirty games with Lucas, the truth is that Lucas couldn't feel anything but love. How would that be possible when he had this boy sitting between his legs wearing that tattoo he had made himself thinking and with his hair all messed up thanks to his hands, his chest red as well as his neck full of little marks that Eliott would probably scream later on? How could Lucas not love that figure that looked like a Greek god? Still...

"Idiot." Lucas scowled at him, but Eliott wouldn't let him finish before he interrupted him with a big kiss that could break him in two, bend him over and leave him again at Eliott's mercy if he wanted to.

Lucas didn't have time to respond to the kiss because Eliott pushed himself onto his knees and walked away from him now heading for the bathroom. The light from the bathroom illuminated the other side of the room and then Lucas could hear what was a little scream from inside. And there's the reaction he expected.

"Lucas Lallemant!" Eliott shouted from inside.

"Hey!" Lucas complained about the way his boyfriend was using his full name as a father scolding his son for breaking some important family ornament. Eliott knew full well he hated being call like that.

"Do you want all of Greece to know that we have sex?" Several drawers opened and closed at the same time as the sound of the sink water opening announced whatever Eliott was doing in there.

"Well, at least they'll know you're having sex." Lucas bit his lip trying to drown out his laugh.

"What do you mean by that?" Lucas raised his head and leaned on his elbows when he heard Eliott's voice coming from the bathroom door that was now dark inside as before.

Lucas shrugged with feigned indifference. "Only without me your situation would be different, honey."

Eliott rolled his eyes and moved to the side of the bed, settling down on the opposite side of Lucas. "I wouldn't be so sure about that, _honey._ " Eliott replied. Everything about him was a very bad attempt to act offended, but his whole body said the opposite, his soft hands passing the wet towel over his chest delicately as if it were a job he had to do with great care. He was so adorable. His frown was slightly furrowed in concentration and his lower lip sloped downward in a half pout.

I love you so much.

"What makes you so sure?" Lucas asked him without taking his eyes off Eliott's soft face and his marks on his neck, the reason why Eliott had bought some concealer and had sometimes been forced to wear it because “unlike him, Eliott doesn't have to wear a uniform that can perfectly cover his marks of uncontrolled and possessive boyfriend”.

Eliott soaked his lips with his tongue and Lucas found himself wishing so much he could do the same. God, insatiable. You have to have a little control. Damn it, Lucas. You just had one of the best fucks of your life and here you are wanting to jump on the guy like you haven't spent a good two hours doing the same thing.

"Because it wouldn't be the same." The older boy lowered the towel to his groin and diverted it to his inner thigh erasing any trace of Eliott's semen and the lubricant on Lucas' skin. No, please don't, I like to feel the remains of you inside me. He wanted to take his wrist and stop it, but instead he let Eliott keep stroking him slowly. "No one would make you feel this way." Eliott directed his movements now by doing the same thing to Lucas' other thigh. "And no one would make me feel the way you do."

And finally Eliott's eyes met his. They weren't cloudy or darker hidden in lust. No, they were soft. As tender and gentle as if he were reciting poetry or telling Lucas about the stars that lit up the sky that night. It sounded like the greatest declaration of love on the hottest and most fuckable stage in history and Lucas didn't know if he was excited or madly in love. Maybe a little bit of both? He could kiss Eliott until he was out of breath or he could find a way to do exactly the same thing and try to find the most beautiful words that exist to describe his love. Maybe he could do both.

But the older boy made the decision because Lucas quickly found himself lying on his back again with Eliott's hands around his neck holding his jaw and handling the kiss as he pleased. Lucas was beginning to open his mouth to give way to Eliott's tongue when he split completely, taking Lucas' breath away.

Okay, that was a sudden turn of events.

"Wait, wait a second." Eliott asked him with his hands up. Lucas huffed and puffed, but he couldn't help but notice how suddenly nervous Eliott looked now.

"Baby, we've already done this. In fact, we did it a few minutes ago, you don't have to act like a 15-year- old in his first time." Lucas said it in a funny tone trying to relax his boyfriend a little, but Eliott just responded with a little grimace.

"Lucas," Eliott took his hands in his and squeezed them a little. "there's something I have to tell you."

Lucas swallowed. Okay, that was getting pretty serious for him. Eliott's palms were a little sweeter than before and his grip was strong. His face isn't helping at all. So he sat up on the bed facing Eliott, but without letting go of his hands he looked for any sign of what might go wrong.

"Eli, what's going on?" Lucas asked cautiously, trying not to look as worried as he really was.

Eliott must have noticed his distress because he let go of the air he was holding and tried to relax his face while quickly denying. "It's nothing bad, baby, just close your eyes for a moment?”

"What?" Lucas let the question go a little louder than he intended, but Eliott instead of listening to him just guided his hands into his face.

"Would you, please?" Eliott asked him again.

"But why? What do you have to tell me that you can't see my face?" Lucas asked him to stop trying to hide his obvious concern and annoyance at Eliott's ridiculous request.

Eliott let out a sigh looking a little more desperate than before but he didn't let go of his hands he just squeezed them again hard trying to find some strength.

"Lucas Lallemant" Eliott told him with his teeth a little clenched but the last thing Lucas could see was that he was not upset. That made him feel a little more confident to do what Eliott had asked him so he closed his eyes and let Eliott take the palms of his hands to his eyes covering them completely and leaving him in the dark.

Lucas was about to start talking when he felt the weight of the bed shift and that Eliott was nowhere near him. Then he heard some footsteps coming out of the room and he stood there with his hands on his face while Eliott, God knows, was doing out there. For a moment Lucas was tempted to drop his hands and go after Eliott, what was going on? Was Eliott manic? Where is he? Why did he leave him here? And just as he was about to leave this stupid situation, he heard Eliott's footsteps coming back into the room and then stopped right by the bed.

"Lu, you can open your eyes now." Eliott said in a slow voice and that's what Lucas did, he dropped his hands slowly as his eyes got used to the light again.

And he found Eliott on the side of the bed where he had sat a few seconds earlier, but this time he wasn't naked and he wasn't sitting on the mattress either. He was wearing his boxers and was leaning on one knee with his elbow on it and his hand holding a small black box.

Lucas was two seconds away from laughing and denying whatever was going on in front of him because there was no reason for all that to be happening right now. That had to be a joke or some trap Eliott had set for him. This can't be happening. And Lucas was going to do it. He was going to laugh and tell Eliott to stop, but he stopped when he saw Eliott's eyes being scanned closely and he was so serious. That was serious. That was really happening.

"Eliott..." Lucas would go up and down between his boyfriend's gray eyes and the box in his hand. She could feel her heart beating faster and faster and the sound of her own heart flooding her head and ears.

"Lucas, God, I've been practicing this so many times I swear, but it's like my whole brain has just been removed."

Eliott laughed a little, shaking his head. Lucas understood. He wasn't the one who was about to do what he was doing and yet he felt so blank. He felt unable to say more than two words at that moment and yet Eliott was there, looking so nervous, but at the same time so sure of his position.

"I love you and I know I love you and I know you know it too. You know I love you so much." Yes, I know. "But you also forget it so many times." Yeah, I know that too. "Sometimes it seems to me like you don't think I can stand by you like you don't deserve to be with me and, Lucas, we deserve this. We deserve to be happy, you and I, and we're going to be because since the day I met you I've been nothing but happy. That first day I saw you in the hallway I knew there was something that had brought me to that place. That day I saw you in the library and you took a seat next to me, that day I knew that this was my place, next to you. That night I could kiss you for the first time I knew–"

Eliott took some air because his chest was going up and down very fast and Lucas had not realized until that moment that the tears had clouded his eyes and were not allowing him to see his boyfriend properly. He wiped his cheeks and eyes with his wrists.

"That night I knew that there was nothing I didn't want to do that was not to kiss you, touch you and hold you every second. That night in the music room when you first opened up to me was when I realized how much I was in love with you. How madly and desperately in love I was with you. That night at the lake was when I knew I would give up everything for you, Lucas, I would do anything for you. I would have given anything to see you happy and I still would, I would still be willing to do anything for your happiness. Lucas, I don't want to leave your side. That night on the beach after we talked was when I decided I wasn't going to leave. That I was never gonna let you go again. I want to live every day of my life by your side, I want to wake up every morning by your side, I want to be able to hold your hand, I want to be able to kiss you and above all I want everyone to know that we're together and no longer need this." Eliott pointed to his neck which made some more tears roll down Lucas' cheeks, but with a smile on his lips.

"You're my home, Lucas, you're all I really need. And you probably think this is ridiculous. Why a ring? It's quite simple, I want you to be my husband and I want to be yours. Even if it's a silly formality or if we never make it official. This piece of silver," Eliott said as he pulled the ring gleaming out of the box. "It will remind us of what we have, what we have achieved, what we have built and that we are together. It's not our past, Lu, or our future because life is now and I want to live it minute by minute with you."

Lucas bit his lower lip and shook his head because he couldn't believe what was really happening. God, he hated himself so damn much for being too sentimental and probably later on he'll just bang his head against the wall, but for now he's letting this happen. Let this happiness fill his chest to his bones and let the tears continue to fall.

"You still can't say no if I haven't even asked the question, Lallemant." Eliott reminded him that even in that happiness he still looked a little worried and anxious about what was coming. "Lu, would you like to be my husband?" He finally asked the question and Lucas could feel as if his heart was about to explode so before he did he nodded his head uncontrollably as Eliott's eyes opened in surprise as if he were really surprised by Lucas’ answer. How could he say no, you idiot?

"Is that a yes?" Eliott asks again, but Lucas instead of answering just pounces forward around his neck and makes their bodies collide by letting Eliott's back hit the floor of the room. And his lips meet halfway. At first it was a desperate, hurried, hard kiss, one of those kisses where one needs the other, but gradually the pace changed to a slower, calmer, softer, slower one as if they had all the time in the world to do this. And they do, they both have their whole lives to be together.

Lucas separates from the kiss leaving his forehead stuck to Eliott's and his noses rubbing together trying to catch his breath. Breathing the air and enjoying that moment together. Lucas was sitting on Eliott's lap and the older boy had his arms around his back and waist with a ridiculously desperate need that Lucas could understand. He didn't want to be away from Eliott now. All he wanted was to feel every part of Eliott and be flooded with his love.

Eliott turned his face to the left and Lucas did the same. At the door of the room, Moira was looking at them, one and the other, with a bored expression. Perhaps the sound of Eliott's fall woke her from her long sleep and forced her to get off the couch and go find out what was going on.

"Moira, he said can you believe it? We're getting married!" Eliott told the dog with quite a bit of enthusiasm in his voice and hearing Eliott so happy only made it impossible to breathe. It was too much. It was so good.

But apparently Moira didn't share the same enthusiasm for the news because the little dog only frowned and her mouth made her cheeks look a little puffy, and then she turned around going back to her place in the living room.

Lucas laughed a little as he watched Moira walk out the door. God, she hated them.

"She hates us so much."

"Speak for yourself, she loves me." Lucas turned his face to find Eliott's bright eyes and red lips framing a huge satisfied smile.

Lucas ran his hand through Eliott's messy hair and bit his lower lip as he marveled at the beautiful view below him. "Who wouldn't?" Eliott's cheeks were painted a red color as was his neck. Christ, Eliott had him naked on top of him, tearful, excited and yet he was the one blushing with foolish compliments. He was so cute.

"So, are you going to give me that ring or what?" Lucas sat on Eliott's lap and Eliott did the same thing by lifting up the ring and taking Lucas hand with his other hand and slowly placing Lucas’ ring. Eliott was so committed to what he was doing, but Lucas wasn't paying attention to that, all he could see was the profile of his boyfriend or well, fiancé now.

I love you so much.

And then Eliott brought the ring finger, where the silver ring was now, to his lips and left a long kiss there. Everything inside Lucas shook so much and he felt that his lungs were going to explode from so much force that he was doing not to cry or scream everything he was feeling inside.

Soon Eliott gave him the box where the ring was and inside there was another set of rings. One that Lucas assumed was for Eliott. He raised his eyebrow at the older boy with a little mocking smile. "What? You want me to propose?"

Eliott rolled his eyes in response as he ran his hand down Lucas' side, bringing it as close as he could. "No, silly, I know you're not the romantic type, but I want everyone to know I'm taken, too."

Lucas laughed a little earlier at that response and pushed Eliott a little. "Yeah, too bad. All of Europe is gonna mourn that loss." Lucas replied and then took the ring out of the box and did the same thing that Eliott did with it. The ring fit so well on his finger and looked so beautiful on his skin now a little more tanned. He kissed the cold material and when he opened his eyes he found Eliott's eyes. A little open, a little full of so much love.

"How long have you been preparing this?" He finally asks the older boy.

Eliott grimaces as a sign that he's calculating in his head how long it took him to do all that. "About a month or so. I knew I wanted to marry you a long time ago, but it was only a few months ago that the idea of doing it stuck in my head and I wanted something perfect, that's why I was working late..." Eliott shrugged. “I needed enough money to get what you deserved. I had planned to do it at dinner, but you had to put on those damn jeans that I couldn't think of anything else to do but bring you home and take them off."

Lucas kissed him again. He wanted to tell him so many things, but he didn't know how. How could he put into words everything he was feeling at the time? How could he ever match this boy? How would he know what words to say and how to say them? So he did what he could do best and that was to kiss him, to run his hands through his hair and bring it closer to him. The sensation of the ring caressing his back sent a current down his spine to his lips where he let out a short gasp between the kiss.

I love you so much.

"God, I thought that..." Lucas whispered between Eliott's lips, keeping his eyes closed, and didn't open them until Eliott move away from him, looking at him closely. His hands were now on his face trying to read what was going on in his head.

"You thought what?"

Eliott asked him with a worried frown, but Lucas only slowly denied with a small smile. He pulled out some strands of hair that were falling down his forehead and then ran his thumb across Eliott's frown, erasing that expression.

"Nothing." Lucas sighed and hugged Eliott's shoulders again as he closed his eyes and taped his forehead to his fiancé's. "Nothing else matters now."

And they both brushed their noses until they were plunged back into a long, deep kiss. Eliott's arms hugging his back, his waist and sticking more to him causing the friction of his now quite obvious erections to rub against each other sending small waves of heat through Lucas’ body. His cheeks as well as his body were turning red and his open, hungry mouths were moving back and forth at the same rate as his tongues.

I love you so, so much, Eliott, I love you so much.

"Eliott?" Lucas called the boy who right now had his head buried in his neck and was quite dedicated to his work of biting, sucking, licking and marking every space in Lucas with little elegance and too much impudence. Lucas' head was spinning around. Eliott responded with a little sound letting him know he heard him. "Eli, I love you so much and right now–" Lucas let out a short moan when Eliott's mouth focused on taking one of his nipples. "now I need you inside me."

Eliott separated his lips from his skin just enough to answer Lucas' request. And then he took Lucas' hair between his fingers and pulled it away to see his breathless, blushing face already beginning to cover itself with a thin layer of sweat. "Well, baby, you're gonna have to get up because my ass can't take this cold floor anymore."

Lucas didn't waste any time and neither did Eliott. When he found himself standing on his feet, Eliott embraced his waist allowing Lucas to wrap his thighs around him and then make them both fall on the bed with less elegance than they had imagined. Soon Lucas was there again, with his fiancé's arms wrapped around his body and his ankles hooked around his back.

And that's when Lucas finally understood. He understood what Eliott meant a few months ago when he told him that he would soon feel that peace because it was just what he was feeling. That weight that had been on his chest and wasn't allowing him to breathe properly finally went away and Lucas felt so liberated. So well received in Eliott's arms and in his soft, delicate kisses full of care and love. He didn't know how much longer that feeling would last, maybe a few minutes, a few hours, a few days or a few months, maybe it was just a matter of moments, but he wanted to savor every second. He wanted to hold on to that happiness and never give it up. He wanted to hold and be held by Eliott and he knew that that love was eternal. There with his hands intertwined with those of his fiancé and his mouths drowning out their own sounds, there Lucas felt only a piece of the happiness that awaited him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Then this is the end. It hurts a little to say goodbye to these characters but having written this story was a unique experience that I would like to do again very soon. And as always, thank you for every kudo, every hit and every comment. And I'll see you next time. Take care!!


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